Fears

Everyone fears something.

From spiders to flying to dogs to cats to cars to spontaneous combustion.

The last one may be a little more out there but you can bet that it has happened.

How do I know this for sure?

For there is a warning label on my dryer that I should stand clear in case of spontaneous combustion.

To be honest that and drowning are the two worst ways I can imagine dying.

I can swim like a fish and all my fires are contained.

Was I once a witch?

I floated so they burned me?????

 

I have given voice to two fears this week.

And in doing so I am hoping that they will lose the power to continue to cause me grief.

 

#1-Crying when I watch T ride off on his bike to school.

Every day.

And I could not figure out why.

Finally last Monday after I got to work, having sat in the car crying, I asked myself:

Jay what is it that you fear? What is it that makes you cry when you see T ride off?

I am afraid that it is the last time I might see him.

As I write this I am teary eyed and not because I am worried any longer but the relief that I now know what the cause was and could deal with it.

Tuesday as we said good-bye I told T that I had gotten to the root cause of my crying and told him what it was.

Did not cry for the rest of the week.

 

#2-Having a real issue this year with aging.

I have never had a problem with the milestone ages I think I have mentioned this before.

But the off years 27/38/49 they have been hard.

I think about my age and the thoughts that rage through my mind:

-I wasted so much time under the influence

-I wasted time of T’s life being a drunk and stoned on pills.

-I hurt my son

-I am only now coming to life. (not like today but having left the ex and in finding my way on my own)

-I fear that I am not going to be around to see T grow up.

 

I am not ill.

Kidneys/Brain/Liver have all been tested and seen.

Nothing wrong with any of them.

Which leaves my heart.

Drugs.

Alcohol.

Cigarettes.

I can only begin to imagine the state of it.

 

I am not courting death.

I am not laying around bemoaning  the choices I made.

I take responsibility.

And overall I am totally healthy.

 

Yesterday I gave voice to my death fear.

Told M all about it as I sobbed.

She informed me that she too has thought of it.

And determined that due to K (her 3rd child and one of T’s best friends)  and her grandchildren that she is not allowed to die.

And by that extension I am not allowed to die because she cannot be responsible for both boys.

Her concern: her death will surely follow from the death stench of their farts.

 

I am putting my fears out there.

Not only speaking them aloud but setting them free in my writing.

With this step I am hoping that I can shake loose these feelings and go back to enjoying my life and time with T.

 

©Sept. 20/21

Picture is my own