Hopeful

I am sitting here playing Clockmaker on my phone moving into my daily mode. As I am my mind is aimlessly wandering around and I keep touching down on one small thing.

Mom is home June 9th. T is getting out of school and we are going to pick her up at the airport. Now I have not seen her in nigh on 3 years. Neither has my brother. I have not seen my brother in almost 5 years. There are things. And the SIL.

I received a text from mom asking me to think of a place that she, the brother, T and I plus assuming SIL and family for breakfast the day she arrived. My response was visceral. My heart began to race. I began to shake. Tears formed in my eyes. And I shot off a text to mom saying no can do.

Mom had forgotten. Which I now realize I need to take into consideration. Sorry mom it happens to us all. I forget things all the time. All the time. Yesterday not only did I lose my work keys-did find those-and my work sweater. Never found that.

I am very concerned that the brother is going to disregard my wishes as relayed via mom. It would not surprise me. Same with her brother. While I cannot plan for it, will not plan for it, it is a worry in the back of my mind.

I have worked very hard to rid myself of the things I did to harm myself. Pills. 1460 days clean. Alcohol. 655 days sober. The trauma that contributed to these behaviours was faced. To the extent my brain allows and which I have said before I am thankful for.

I was taken to task for the near overdose in 2017 that put me on the path to recovering my truth and self. I was ignored and berated when mom fell ill and the brother needed to fly out there to see to her. I understand he was in a position to do so. I was not. However there is a thing called respect and talking things through but nope.

I am hoping with writing my fears out and addressing them that I can set these worries aside. I can hope that both the brother and mom’s will respect that I am picking her up and we are coming home to get her settled.

I am hoping.

May 5/22