I am…..

Standing upon the plains of desolation
tears streak upon my cheeks.
The growling wind
a tempest
trying to defeat me.
Within my breast a demon rises,
fingers pointed in contempt.
I know what you have done,
I know what you hide,
I will make you lose your mind.
Lightening dances from my fingertips
shattering peace accords,
blazing across the sky
electrifying the sinner
as I see thee.
I am Envy.
I am Rage.
I am Hatred.
I am Disgust.
I am Revenge.
I am the little child hidden in the corner
who’s mind is twisted and torn.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
December 14/17
Advertisements

To Axe or not to Axe?

Wow so this is what I have to look forward to?

T is going to movies and doused himself in Axe.

My eyes are watering and the cats are hiding.

How long does this particular phase last?

He has no clue, I hollered just a tad, he came out and says to me but mom it was only a few squirts.

His few squirts means the entire block can smell him.

Where oh Where?

Tonight was our Christmas staff party. I got dressed up. Turns out I clean up pretty well.  The party was amazing. Everyone who is part of the social club are eligible to come with a plus one. Dinner is free and everyone leaves with a gift. This is a time for everyone to get together without the social confines of labels, we are a group of people meeting and having a meal together, laughing and seeing one another outside of the business that we are in. A chance to see others in a personal setting, non-work related. You often learn some interesting things.
I wrote a poem about our boss. I am a fast walker. Like fast. No one can out run me except for our boss. The following is the poem that I wrote and presented tonight:
Where oh Where?
where oh where could our boss be?
is he here?
is he there?
Damn it he could be anywhere.
First down in grocery
than off to File
Check in on the Front
Dash by bakery
onto meats
ah shit I’ve  missed him again.
moving with lightening speed
it is so hard to keep up
searching the aisles one by one
we’ve turned it into a game
that absolutely no one has won.
Now, let us examine me. I am gregarious, I am forthcoming, I talk to people for 40 hours a week, as part of my career. Put me in front of a group of people and well I freeze. My anxiety ramps right up. I was at Auntie K’s when it first started. I could feel my heart racing. I was jittery. At the party, I kept bouncing my toes off of Auntie K’s, thank goodness that she likes to play footsie. And as it was the Christmas party I had a wine to help me. Yes, I know that it is wrong, I used alcohol to give me courage, but I did not over do it.
My boss was concerned for me. He asked me several times tonight if I had in fact stopped drinking. I informed him that I had, but it was also a special occassion so I had had a glass or two. Also as I was winging my way through my speech I admitted that when one is asked to present the boss with the Christmas present that usually they have super nice things to say. But that type of stuff makes me uncomfortable. At the end of it, he told me I had done a good job. He also asked me to forward the poem to him. I was beaming .
And than the gifts began to be dispersed. I really wanted the Amazon Gift Card. I won the Large Hurricane Candle holders. Nice but not sure where I am going to put them.
 message_1512966208240652698108.jpg
 I suppose despite the fact I laid myself open in front of so many of my co-workers by reading a poem I had written, it was well recieved. And they laughed where they were suppose to laugh.
Gotta admit I am kinda proud of myself right now.

A Year in Review Part I

Yesterday was December 9th. A year ago I quit smoking. At the time I was deep in the grips of a depressive episode that I would not seek medical attention for until February 2017. I was still drinking heavily and my body was trying to get my attention in so many ways, to alert me to the fact that there was something very very wrong with me. I was sluggish. Unhappy. Smoking like a chimney. T was unhappy. My work was suffering. I was getting cold after cold. My body screaming for me to realize what was going on. My brain though, so adept at pretending that I am not depressed, continued to delude me that all was fine. I would just consume more alcohol. I would watch television all the time. My home was not as clean as it is now. I was not cleaning the cat litter daily.
I had fallen on the Tuesday evening. Ended up giving myself whip lash. On Thursday I was in so much pain that I went to the Quick Care Clinic. Learned that I was going to have to take a few days to let it heal so I could do my job. And than they took my blood pressure. 160/95. My heart stopped beating for a second as I went omfg what is going on? And than and there I decided that as soon as I finished my last pack that that was it, I was quitting. Did I maybe drag it out a little? Yes. But I smoked my last cigarette on the eve of December 8th and woke up on December 9th a nonsmoker. I used the patch. For two weeks. The two weeks running up to Christmas.
I was still drinking. But I did not light a cigarette. I may have been a little snappish. I cried when I was at home alone, a lot. Day by day I went, and I worked and I moved away from the lure of nicoteine. After Christmas, I worked a few days and had a seven day break. During this time, I did not wear my patch as I did not go anywhere. T and me we hung out and really did nothing much. And the first day back to work, I forgot to put my patch on. I worried that I was going to have the urge but I did not. I think the realization that I was heading directly for a stroke, which are prevelant in my family, made me sit up and take notice.
Plus there is T. I want to be here to see him become a young man. I want to see his dreams come true. I want to see him fall in love and have a life he loves. Would I like grandchildren I am sure I will but at the moment I want to enjoy this time with him.
When I was 14 years old, I went through a bout of depression that lead to me trying to hurt myself. Turns out that there are two things that kept me alive at that time. 1) I have a really wicked imagination. And all I could see in my mind’s eye was my mom and my brother standing over my grave while my coffin was lowered into it, crying and asking each other why. My brother was 7 years old and like hell was I going to traumatize him like that. I was suppose to protect him from pain and not cause it. And my mom did not deserve that heartache no matter how mad I was with her. How I thought that she could not understand me. 2) I am the world’s biggest wimp, omfg! It hurt, it hurt more than the pain and rage inside of me. And I did not even cut myself that deeply.
Flash forward, here I am, 44 years old, 30 years later and I had a choice to make. And I chose to quit smoking. I chose my love for T and my desire to be here for as long as I can.
During this time period K3 began to harrangue me about writing. That I needed to start a blog and how awesome it was. I hemmed and hawed about it before I decided to check it out.
I began writing about myself and T. As I began to come out of my depression, I wrote about that and my anxiety. I relearned how to be happy. The worst of it, was how much it hurt to realize that it had been so long since I had been happy that I was actually a little frightened of it. I began to write and share my poetry. And it has been wonderful.
I entitled this A Year in Review but this is only the first part. I am thankful for the journey that began a year ago, a journey that I look forward to with a joy and eagerness that sometimes catches me by surprise. I need to put it into perspective for myself before sharing.
Most of all, I am thankful for all of you who have decided you like my quirks and writings,  I appreciate all of you. And I hope you enjoy this journey along with me as much as I am.

Anxiety Attacks

It has been awhile since I have talked about my anxiety and my reaction to it. The reason has been that my anxiety has been under control for the most part. And when I have had a panic attack there has been someone there to help me through it. Yesterday though I had a doozy of one.
I was getting ready to go out when I suddenly stopped in the middle of the kitchen and began my count down. T.V. off, check. Computer shut down and turned off, check. Coffee maker is off, check. Have fed the cats, and than I became distracted. When I returned my attention to where I had been, I realized that I had to start my check list off from the beginning.
I made it through and gathered up the garbage to take down and away I went. As I walked down my brain began it to whir. I began to make connections between what I had done while standing in the middle of the kitchen floor, to when I stop suddenly at work, ennumerating the list of tasks that I have accomplished or still need to do, is all due to my anxiety.  I don’t always have anxiety attacks with sweaty palms, or a racing heart. I do feel a sense of dread, a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes it hard for me to swallow. Sometimes I forget the simplest of words, words that I use on a daily basis, and while I search, my mind wanders and I forget what I was saying. My embarassment is massive and at that time I wish that the floor would open up beneath me so I could fall straight down to the pits of eternal damnation rather than stand there like a total idiot.
Given that I love words, my inability to think of or pronounce correctly the right word, is an indication of anxiety within me. My only problem at times is trying to figure out what it is that has triggered that paticular bout of anxiety.
If work related it is pretty easy to figure it out. I make a mistake and even though I can correct said mistake, I feel awful. I fear that it will be enough that I may be spoken to. I go over what had been done and struggle to make sense of how I could have been that stupid. Made that big of a mistake.
In my personal life, it is not always that easy. Again some are, such as returning to work after a two week holiday. I use to always be afraid that when I went back in for my first shift I would be fired. The last couple days I would go over everything I had done prior to my holidays. This is the first year that I haven’t. But for the most part, I do not always know why I am having an anxiety attack, I only know that something is off within me and I need to counter it with my lists and double check lists to calm.
I am never going to be free of anxiety. What I am going to do is continue to find more tools to put into the self care tool kit which helps me to get through each and every episode.

Fiend

Becalmed,
upon the river of my life
snakes and demons to either side.
Flames roar and sputter
dancing upon the water
as shadows reach down from the sky.
Gossamer strands of debauchery
pulling at my soul;
my heart yearning
to let go…..
yet stubbornly I hang on.
Angels weep,
their tears a salve to my scars.
Demons screech
claws extended, slashing
emboldened by my fear,
my anger,
my hatred.
Within me black ink flows,
not blood
but an evil so deep
that the demons call me
by name.
I have tried to turn away,
to escape my heritage
but never can truth be denied.
Where evil blooms
I shall appear,
a devil in a woman’s disguise.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 7/17

Ripped Asunder

First you went away
than you began to fade away
until I was not even sure
if you were reality
or simple a dream that I created?
Are these memories a truth
or fantasies I played
to stop the lonliness,
the betrayal of my heart.
Held in your arms
safely kept from the truth,
that soon
you will have forgotten my name.
Tears blind me as I desperately grope
to find the trail back to you,
for within my chest
my heart is ripped asunder
by your careless care.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 5/17