Boy Humor

T and me are sitting here watching Mr. Bean and he is chatting away to me about school and the things that happened.

Than he drops these nuggets on me:

‘Hey mom, today the substitute teacher said that we had to work independently. I told him I was already single.’

I could only look at him and shake my head.

‘Hey mom, than he told us we had to work with a partner. I told him I was already hooked up with someone.’

I am a little worried. He was chortling away and I had no words. I could do nothing but stare at him in disbelief.

 

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Double Sleepover Part Deux

Well last evening was an adventure and a half in our household. The boys were a little wild. I made farmer sausage for dinner. Now, since mom had her stroke three years ago and my own struggle with high blood pressure, I have pretty much eliminated the use of salt. I use Mrs. Dash products and if I am using salt it will be a small dash of Pink Himalayan. Well I ended up eating salad and T went for the corn only. The amount of salt was overwhelming. And though this would be an normal amount to most, it was as though we had dumped a box of salt on it before eating. As I am discovering that T does not want to eat the farmer sausage K-T pipes up that he too does not like farmer sausge. Now, I had just finished texting with M who said he would never leave here because he loves farmer sausage. I looked at him and told him exactly that. His response, oh yeah that is right as he pops another piece in his mouth. The kid cleaned his plate leaving veggies behind but eating all the farmer sausage.
The boys spent the majoirty of the evening rowing their boats, racing their cars, playing with lego. A few times I hollered out at them from my perch on my bed to watch it they were going to hit their heads on a) the floor in the kitchen b) the coffee table in the living room. I informed them that I was not going to spend my whole night in the ER because one or both of them have cracked their heads open. This only cut down on the shenanigans for a brief moment but they are boys. Incapable of thinking about the pain until it happens to them.
They disappeared into the bathroom and I heard giggling and splashing. I was not too alarmed as T often does this. Goes in and mixes a bunch of colognes, hand soap and Axe bodywash in the sink. Than he puts his boats or cars in there. Not entirely sure what that is all about as I try very hard to not go in there when he does this. The reason being that the cloying smell of the three mixed Axe colognes coat my tongue and the back of my throat. It is horrendous as it lingers there for an incredibly long time. Both boys are suddenly standing in the doorway to my bedroom (this is my sanctuary little boys are not allowed over the threshold) asking if they can have a bath. I inform them that this is totally inappropriate at their age and they trump me with ‘but we are going to wear swimming trunks.’
Okay so what harm could it cause if I were to say yes? I can see you all shaking your heads and asking if I have gone insane. Why on earth would I allow them to take a bath? Well for one they would be clean, cleared of all the chocolate smeared on their faces and they would not stink. Unless they reapplied the Axe. I was hopeful. A mother can wish can’t she?
I can hear them banging around in there and a few times I poked my head in to make sure all was good. The last time I realized they had taken two
St. Ives face washes (full) and used them in the bathtub. All of them. I may have had a small flip out. Did not raise my voice but informed T that his money was going to be used to replace them. I was a little harsher than I should have been. I can only use the banishment to my bedroom as an excuse. Lastly when I went into the bathroom once they were out, I realized that my brand new bottle of Wild Honeysuckle cream that I had not used yet was missing some. I stuck my head out of the bathroom waving the bottle and asking if they used it. Both boys adamently denied it.
We were all in bed by 10:30. I turned my phone off which is rare for me but I figured that nothing important would happen over night. Boy was I wrong. K was having a small issue and I awoke at 6 a.m. to discover 6 1 minute voice texts on messenger. You would be surprised what a woman could say in 6 minutes. I groggily sent a return message and said I would respond more coherently when I had some coffee in me. (As an aside the Ex sent me an apology last night which made me cry)
I am in brushing my teeth when I realize that there is a blob of cream in the bathroom sink so I go out with toothbrush in the corner of my mouth and the bottle of body cream in the other. I explained to the boys that I had them. There was a clump in the bottom of the sink. T looks at me and says but we did not use in the sink, we used it in the bathtub. I stared at him incredulously. Did he really try to get out of this on a technicality? Because I said sink and not bathtub? I laughed. (I had taken the toothbrush out of my mouth so they weren’t only hearing a mumble of words). I told T that he should be a lawyer if he was going to do that. And than I said that they should never lie to me. Stretch the truth. Twist it on a technicality. I will always find out. And as my son and adopted son I am always going to know when they are lying. Our relationship will be much happier without the lies.
I am busy pouring my coffee when I notice K-T searching in his bag of chocolates. I look over and ask what he is doing? He looks at me like I have grown two heads and says having chocolate. Like hell you are having chocolate at 6:30 a.m. your mother will never allow you to come and spend the night again! (My head words not what came out of my mouth) I said no way jose. In this household we do not consume pop or chocolate prior to noon. Than I asked if M would allow him to eat chocolate at such an early hour. To which (and I will hear all of you groan) his reply was well not if she doesn’t notice. I explained that that was sneaky and we don’t do sneaky. M hide the chocolate from now on. LOL  He tried again at 9 a.m., I have to give the kid credit for being persistent.
I love these boys I do. They have had another bath with swimming trunks on. Much slipping and sliding all over the tub. I could hear it. Finally went in and told them that they needed to stop it. Someone was going to crack their head on the faucet and that would mean a day spent in the ER while they awaited stitches. And once more I was not going to spend my day doing so. Are you catching onto the theme here? I do not want to spend my time in the ER because they are not thinking.   And once more  according to the law and M I would not be allowed to just dump them and run.
We will be going for a walk at some point today. Once it warms up. At the moment it is -13 Celsius and the real feel is -22. For you Southerners that is 8.6 Fahrenheit  with a real feel of -7.6. Also the boys will be learning to wash dishes. Clean the living room. Well maybe I’ll let the living room slide because they want to build a blanket fort and that is way more cooler than cleaning it.

Cake for Breakfast

Although this is technically the Ex’s weekend with T, we are doing a double sleepover (Fri-Sun) with his best friend.

His best friend is leaving next month for a trip to Maui with his mom. The boys are already planning how they will Skype with one another. This means that there is going to be nearly 4 weeks before they see one another again. Also as M is working tonight and tomorrow night it makes life easy for her. She does not need to worry about child care.

This morning we drove an hour one way to pick K-T (T’s best friend only way I can designate) up. We left the house at 8 a.m. Yes you are reading that right. For those of you who are not Canadian, it is a stat holiday. Everything is closed. Everything. Except small convenience stores, gas stations, etc. If T had had his way, we would have left at 7 but the gas bar did not open until 8.

To start T was playing his game on his phone. He was sort of talking to me but not much. Than he put his phone down and we talked. I told him about all the things that had been wrong with me when I was born/a toddler. Had to explain what a lazy eye and pigeon toed meant. Also how they had been corrected. Than he asked if he had had anything wrong with him at birth. So we discussed that.

The drive flew by as we talked the whole way there (barring the 10 minutes or so he was playing his game). I asked him if when things returned to normal were we still going to talk like this? And he assured me that we would. I tried to impress upon him how happy this made me and it was really important to me. He is 9 3/4 now (as he likes to tell me) so really he was more focused on getting to K-T and all the fun things they would do. We were only a few minutes from K-T’s so I understand the excitement.

K-T had been packing since 7:15 a.m. These boys are nuts. You would think that rather than seeing one another every other weekend that they had not seen one another in months. I mean the minute we entered the house they were yammering at one another. It is K-T’s birthday today and he is 10 so we also got to bring home the half bit of cake left over.

M suddenly heard that T had size 7 feet and looked at me. K-T has size 2/3 feet. I explained that T was 4’10 1/2″ and 105 lbs. M looked at me and asked how it was possible that there was a 30 lb difference between the boys. I told them to stand side by side. There is almost a foot difference in their height. K-T was disappointed until I reminded him that he came from short stock.

M found this to be an insult and informed me in haughty tones that she was average height for a woman. It was I who was the abnormally tall one.

On our drive home I learned that they were both planning to be WWE wrestlers. K-T wants to also be a NHL goalie and in the Army. As soon as he is old enough off he goes. T wants to also be a WWE wrestler as well as a singer and writer. He will only join the Army if he can leave whenever he wants. I explained not possible so I think the military career is a no go. There is never a dull moment with these boys.

Once home I was banished. That is right, I spent the better part of the late morning and afternoon in my bedroom. My door is open so I can see them and what they are up to. The Ex picked them up at 3:15 and returned them at 4:30 with bags of chocolate. For a brief moment I was able to chill in the living room. Once they returned I was asked to return to my room.

They have the best imaginations. So far, they have been wrestlers, each fighting their stuffies. The giant bear in the background on the couch is T’s opponent. You can’t see K-T’s gorilla. During these wrestling matches they have also been Tag Team Champions. As I sat here I watched as they pretend high fived their fans and held up their championship belt for all to see. (I tried to video but they moved out of view)

They have broken free from jail. What they were in for I do not know.

They have become detectives. T is looking for a yellow folder which had cartoons that he had created and brought home from school. He insisted that it was under the junk drawer. They searched high and low. I know I saw it but not sure where it went. I really think that I may have thrown it out during a clean up but there is no way that I am ‘fessing up to that one. They looked for clues.

Than they decided they were going to be writers. Hot on the trail of stories to tell the world. Both have made pretend lap tops to work on. They have opened their very own writing academy. I am eagerly awaiting the stories they will produce.

As of now, they are trying to decide what they should now do. T is tossing his bear around. First hey decided on Mini Mono Wrestlemania. They crouch down and pretend to wrestle. Than they moved onto Truth or Dare. I am watching this from the safety of my room.

Eventually they will get hungry. Not sure why I cannot allow them to fend for themselves. Apparently though, M and the law assure me that I must feed them. Maybe just as I allowed them to eat cake for breakfast I will let them gorge on root beer and chocolate for supper.

Policing

The descent into the asylum of Tween/Teendom has begun. I am sure that it won’t be that bad right? Ha! I remember what I was like. I have heard what the Ex was like. If I escape with only half of the crap we put our mothers through I will count myself lucky. However he was a wonderful baby and young child. Lately I have been getting glimpses of the ogre that is going to be my child.
T loves sleeping in his clothes. This way he is ready for the next day. An ongoing battle I have been a little lacksidaisy in enforcing the changing into pj’s at night. Well enough is enough and given that he soon will have to be showering daily, I decided last night that I was going to hold firm. T had asked to play Scrap Mechanic. I said yes as long as he put his pj’s on first. Which lead to a large amount of whining. And he did not want to. So up I got, I was in my room reading, and I took the mouse for the computer. That earned me a ‘Fine than! I will watch Youtube.’ Went back into the living room and took the controller for the Xbox.
Back and forth we went. He yelling from the living room, me holding firm and repeating ‘get into your jammies and I will give you the mouse and controller back.’ T was bored. I was ruining his life. How could I be so mean to him? And the best one ‘If this is how you are going to be I am just going to go to my dad’s.’
Now T so rarely uses the going to dad line but I decided that I was not going to allow this to become his go to threat. So I told him that I had text the Ex and told him that T would be taking the bus to his place after school today. Well my word but the water works began and he was caterwauling on and on about how could I have done that. I had hurt his feelings. As I stood at the end of his couch looking at him, tears rolling down his cheeks I informed him that I had not actually text his dad. I was hurt as well that he would use this as a threat to me.
All said and done last night I ‘wasted’ all his time. He only had half an hour to watch Youtube. I explained once more that had he done what I requested that no time would have been wasted. T would have been able to play his Scrap Mechanic. He would have been able to watch Youtube. But he chooses to yell and kick up a fuss, throwing things, kicking them around. I remained calm last evening although I sorely wanted to yell back at him. I can admit that. He was driving me absolutely insane.
Fast forward to this morning. I went in at 5: 45, 6 and 6:17 to tell T what time is was and he needed to get up. Finally at 7 with my going in to awaken him again, T got up. And once more I have ruined his day. Which as he is sitting on the couch removing his jammies became a whole lot worse when I discovered that he was wearing his jeans underneath. I looked at him and he gave me a smartass grin that I am all to familiar with. It has crossed my own lips many a time.
I asked him if he was proud of himself? Did he think that he had pulled one over on me? All this meant now was that I would have to stand over him and watch while he changed. He did not care. And the mouth began running again about my wasting all his time.
I told him that he was to get ready for school and tell me what he wanted for breakfast before he could watch Youtube. Oh dear lord but once more I became the world’s worst mom. I was going to be the root cause of his having a miserable day. It was not going to get any better. And he was going to his dad’s after school. I asked him if he would like me text his dad and he said yes. So I did.
While I was writing the text to the Ex, he slammed into the bathroom, knocking my body spray and mousse to the floor. The dryer door opened and was slammed. As I was finishing the text he came out. Hair styled. Shirt on. Same jeans but different socks. He sat on the couch and glared at me. I sent the text and asked if he wanted to read what I had sent. And he did. In essence I explained that T was having a crappy morning and may show up at his place after school because he was so mad at me. And if he did could he please return him to me. I went on to explain what the uproar was about and asked that he back me on this issue.
T was furious. Called me a tattle tale. How could I ruin his life even more? And he was not walking to school today. I could not make him do that.
Now the storm has passed. He is ready for school. We will be walking and have to leave soon.
I created this child. I am completely at fault for having not held firm on the pj’s thing. The getting ready for school and eating thing. But I am now. Much to his dismay. I held firm both last night and this morning. I did not yell or threaten him. I continued repeating my request over and over again. Until he did as I requested. I am hoping that it will click. That if he were to do as I asked when I asked this would be a nonissue. But he is pushing back because he wants to make those decisions. And I gladly would allow him to, but until we get these new ground rules established, I will have to be the PJ/Getting ready for school Police.
10:59 a.m.
While walking T to school he and I discussed what had occurred last night and this morning. I asked him if he had learned anything about what happens when I ask him to do something. He responded with ‘just do it mom’ which I am sure Chichi is thrilled to hear because that is her motto. We talked about how his dad and me are on the same page with parenting. But that I would probablly be more of a hardass than his dad but that was okay because Chichi had been with me. And I turned out alright. He agreed.
We were nearly at the school when T turned to me and said darn it mom we are having a really good conversation and we are almost to the school. I reassured him that we can always have good conversations that it would not end just because we got to the school. He gave me a kiss and ran off. I asked if he wanted me to walk him to his hut. There was a resounding No. I am beginning to think that he is embarrassed by me. 😂😂😂

Kisses Forever

As T and me approached the halfway mark to the school I asked him if he wanted to stop and give me my kiss so none of his friends saw. I did not want to embarrass him.

Without missing a beat he continued walking and said to me ‘Everyone always kisses their mom. If you didn’t it means you are unloved.’  I had to clarify that he meant we would not love one another anymore.

I giggled and asked him if he was still going to say the same when he was a teenager? Was he going to be okay if I dropped him off in front of his friends and gave him a kiss? He did not really answer but I got a definite no to the suggestion that I drop him off 6 blocks from the high school.

As we neared the school I asked him again if he was sure he did not want to give me a kiss before we got up to the walkway. And that is when the truth came out.

T was not worried about anyone seeing us because they would all be in the back by their hut.

I got my kiss and a good chuckle as he bustled away. And now I have this to show him when he is a teenager: That he will always give me a kiss.

He believes

Belief: Confidence in someone
T has that in spades for me. Way more than I think that I have in myself and my writing.
Thursday I allowed him to stay home in the morning as we had a dentist appointment at 11:50. His tooth has been bothering him. Every time he laid down to go to bed, during the day, suddenly there would be a sharp pain from his jaw to his ear. I was worried that my insurance was not in place and that I was going to end up paying an arm and a leg, which at this time is not an easy task for me. Bonus, not only was my insurance in place but up to the first $200 was 100% covered and everything after that was 60% off. Well damn but isn’t that awesome. (His two appointments were covered within the $200 limit and a $15 balance yet!)
Thursday was a weird day for me. I spent a lot of time with weepy eyes. At the time, I did not know what it was that was bothering me. I do know now however it is not something I am ready to openly blog about. V told me that having ‘leaky’ days, as she calls them, are perfectly fine to have. Yet my mood had not plummeted. I was still having a good good day. Even with all those tears.
T is a little strange and I say that with absolute pride because so am I. He was pumped that he was going to see the dentist. Quite a change from when he was little. The tooth had previously been filled last year. It had been a deep cavity and T chose to have a silver filling put in. Now though, either the tooth had chipped or part of the filling had come off.  Now as an aside, my mouth is not filled with silver fillings but back in my day (making myself sound as though I am 145) that was the only type of filling we could get. None of this fancy white filling like these young whipper snappers get these days. But white is stronger than silver in the filling wars. When he discovered that he was going to have to come back and get a filling the next day T was super exciting. (No word of a lie when we returned yesterday morning he announced to the office at large how much he loved having his teeth filled. I am still terrified of it.)
A white filling was required as Dr. K had to remove all the old filling and refill. She did not charge me extra for the white one which was yet another bonus. But that was a Friday bonus and I am writing about Thursday. After both appointments T did try his darndest to get me to allow him to stay home using the arguements that a) his jaw may start to hurt in the middle of the afternoon on Thursday and b) the frozen tongue syndrome on Friday. He went to school both days.
I had my revelation as we were talking on the way to school Thursday about why I was weeping. T of course had the answer for me. Just Quit. Don’t do it anymore. I had to explain that it did not quite work that way. That I have responsibilities to fulfill. T was silent for a moment.
‘Mom maybe they will hire you and than you can stay home and write full time.’
I was a little shocked as it seemed like a full change in conversation. And than it dawned on me that he was talking New Reader Magazine where I had submitted my poem.  I laughed a little and explained to him while that would be a dream come true, that that was not how things worked. There was no way that they were going to hire me to write full time. But I lived in that fantasy world for a brief moment.
‘Well mom, than you need to write a long book. One with 25 chapters. You will get published and can stay at home and write.’
I smiled and told T that that was what I was doing with Juliette’s Journey. Working title only. And he nodded and sat back.
I was sitting at home after dropping him off when it struck me how confident T was. He made the announcements, the one about the magazine hiring me and publishing my book, as if they were already done deals. He does not have fears like I do. He does not mistrust the words that I write as I sometimes do. He looked at me and he only saw that I was going to do this. No matter what. And that was when I realized that T really believed in me. He did not even consider that I may fail at writing. He believes in this dream with all his heart.
I realize I have a lot of work to do. I have to live up to his expectations of what I am capable of. And I do not want to let him down. I always tell T that he can do whatever he wants to do. If all I do is talk about my dreams yet never chase them, I am saying one thing while showing him another. And I want him to reach for the moon and stars. I want him to dream big and go for it. He is amazing. He is smart. He is a great looking kid. And I need to be the one to show him how to Jump.