Butt Lift

Still having issues with the writing but I found humor in this and I hope you do as well.

On the way to school this morning T and me are talking about how if I win the lottery we would go to Egypt for sure. He also still had to go to school but we would travel as much as possible.

We are sitting at the last stop sign before turning right and letting T off. I look over at him. His blue jacket zipped all the way up, hood on, pulled up to his nose. He has been a little crabby this morning.

‘I also want to get a butt lift.’

‘A what?’

‘A butt lift.’

‘Mom what is a butt lift?’

‘Well that is when one pays to have their butt lifted. Firmed.’

I glance over and struggled to contain my giggles. T had reared back against the door and his nose was wrinkled in disgust. The look of abject horror was almost too much to stand.

‘No mom, no, you are not allowed a butt lift.’

And than I dropped him off at school and we did our ritual good byes. I love that boy so much. It is fun to tease him because he cannot hide his facial expressions and well those are the most fun to see.

Advertisements

Shorthand Speak

Today is a bit rough for me so I thought that I would share the humor that T and me shared this morning. (He is spending nights with me while his dad is at work.)

I have a very bad habit of shorthand speaking. I believe I have talked about it before. I only speak half the sentence and fully expect that the person knows what I am talking about.

The following is the conversation we had:

Me: Okay T time to turn it off. We have to get ready to go. (Driving to school)

T: Okay mom.

I turn around and he has turned the Xbox off and is about to turn the t.v. off.

Me: What are you doing?

T: Turning it off like you said. What are you doing turning it on?

Me: I leave the t.v. on so that I have background noise all day.

T: But you told me to turn it off.

Me: Yeah, I meant for you to turn off Youtube so I could put Amazon on.

T: Well I did not understand that!

Shorthand speak strikes again.

We will be ok (Better Than)

After our conversation regarding rape last evening T and me, we went on to have several more conversations. I was and am intrigued to discover, in hindsight, that due to our discussion about the aforementioned r talk, T now feels like he can ask me questions and I am not going to get angry about them.

He asked for the definition of bitch. A female dog, wolf, fox or otter. A difficult situation or person. If he really wanted to tick people off, ask them why they thought he was a female dog? Stymies them like crazy. (Someone had called him a bitch)

What about the f bomb mom? Is that also sex? Well, if you look up the definition that is the first one; having sexual intercourse with someone. So I tersely explained that it was more of a rough term. Than there is the situation aspect.

This morning he asked me about a**hole? What did that mean? So I said well, a mean or nasty person. But no mom, what does it really mean? Well your butt hole, also properly known as the anus. We also looked this one up.

Those of you who have been following T and me for awhile, know my frustration that T does not like to read. Well, he decided to take his Dog Man 3 book home to his dad’s with him to finish. Is looking forward to the new one coming out. Maybe I am being too optimistic in thinking that our conversation last night is having some effect here. Also that given his nature, I think deep down T is horrified that they used this word. Being cruel is abhorrent to his true self. So, he may be trying to educate himself on words and their meanings. (When you know the root meaning of words sometimes they can take the sting out of them when parsed that way)

We sat at the dinner table and talked while we ate. There was a lot of talking going on last night. And this morning. He is in awe of how fast I can type and the fact that I do not need to look at the keyboard. Ha, I was trying to show off to him and this is basically what I type: Txhyyyyyy llmgtw oooot yeah mom you so smrt. T asked where I had learned and how long it had taken. And how did I know where every letter was on the keyboard.

But the best conversation of all was our conversation about Mexico and Chichi (mom) and myself maybe retiring down there. Not likely at the moment but a woman can have dreams. I cannot even afford a two week holiday there lol, never mind move. But T was full of questions. How old had I been when Chichi moved? Had it been hard? And that was when I dropped the bomb on him that I might want to move there.

The look on his sweet 9 year old face was one of hell no, uh huh you are not going anywhere mom. And thus the list of reasons why I cannot move to Mexico:

  1. It is a poor country
  2. It is too hot
  3. They have nothing new
  4. The cars are very old
  5. Why would I want to live in an area that meteorite are known to frequent.
  6. He could not go 10 months without seeing me

Counter arguments:

  1. The area that Chichi lives in has some of the richest homes that are only used 2 months out of the year, like Chichi and the beach, well that was their beach.
  2. You do not have to come and see me
  3. Of course they do. Chichi had a flat screen t.v. before we did. (That was due to money though T insisted and I pointed out that this was 2 years ago)
  4. He had to take into account that they were a coastal area and the sea salt did damage to the vehicles.
  5. Not since the last one 65,000,000 years ago
  6. There was skype and whatsapp

And he looked at me and said No mom, I could not go 10 months without seeing you in person every day. Now this might be a stretch because you have to remember that he does go 14 days out of the month without seeing me. Okay save for when he and his dad come shopping and I always get a hug and kiss. But still. My heart melted and I looked at my little boy. I love him so much.

He than farted. 🙂

 

 

Mortified

T is over tonight as his dad is working evenings and his S.O. is not available. Well lucky me I get him for an extra night during a week that is not mine. Of course I am going to scoop that one right up.

When T first arrived home there were two bags of garbage waiting for him to take down to the dumpster. We had a little bit of a hemming and hawing and arguing a tad, about how unfair it was and it was not his garbage. This ended with me reminding him that when he came back we needed to have a talk.

Oh no he insisted, we did not have to have a talk. That was all taken care of. He knew all about it. I raised an eyebrow at him and said yes, however we need to have a conversation. I am not mad but I need to explain some things to you. Off he went, looking dejected and worried, for I am sure he was expecting a lecture.

I required fortification for this conversation so I poured myself a cup of coffee and turned around to sit back down at the table. T had plunked himself into my chair so I ushered him out of it. Not happy. He wanders around in front of me, anything to forestall the dreaded lecture that T feels is coming. I look at him. He walks around the cat’s scratching post, pulling on the batting ball.

‘Buddy, do you know what rape is?’

Well now that I hooked you with suspense and you are all sitting with either your mouths hanging open or a crooked eyebrow thinking what the hell has gotten into this woman? allow me to fill you in. Monday I came out from getting ready for work to discover that T’s school had called me. Noticed I had a voice mail but was in a panic so did not listen. Had I, I would have realized it was from T’s teacher. Well, I am trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Thought if he was being a bully he had better run. Was hoping he wasn’t being bullied. Called and left a message at the school for T’s teacher to call me at work.

He did. And I discovered that T and a group of his friends had been playing tag. It was called ‘Rape’ tag. I still do not understand the full concept. It entailed playing tag but if you were it to make the other person it you had to ‘hump’ them. Needless to say my face was burning with mortification. I had no idea where this came from and well I may have stuttered a little I was so shocked. I agreed that not only should I have a conversation with T regarding this subject but also that he needed to see the guidance counsellor along with the boys that had been involved. They also saw the Principal I believe.

Let us fast forward to this afternoon. So T is staring at me and I ask him again. And he goes well it has to do with sex. That is it. That is all. Okay I in no way want the school to be explaining what rape is to T.  This is something that needs to be handled by parents. But I knew that the Ex (I know I confuse myself too) had talked to him because he knew the name of the boys involved and had disciplined T with the loss of Youtube. Which means that tonight T is stuck hanging out with me. Once he comes home from hanging out with the neighbor.

I explain that rape was not about sex. It was a violent and degrading act that happened to both women and men. That often time women (I needed to chose one or the other to explain female is just easier) are threatened with being killed if they do not comply, hit and beaten. That their clothing is torn off and it is an evil act. Do you think that I was too graphic? I want to get the point across to my son that rape is nothing to be blaise and flip about. But he is only 9 you are pointing at the screen, only 9. If he and his friends are able to use the word and run around knowing that it has to do with a sexual act, than he is old enough to learn what is right and what is wrong in regards to his behaviour towards women.

I also explained that a lot of times, especially by men, rape goes unreported. That the person lives with guilt and fear. And that if they do come forward and go to the police they are often treated as though it was their fault. That they had asked for this act to happen to them. He said ask for it? What do you mean mom? So I tried to explain and than I stopped and said, you know how during the summer mom wears a bikini at the beach, and shorts and tank tops? Do you think that because I am dressed like that that anyone should be allowed to touch me or try to have sex with me? And he said absolutely not.

I said, that is what it means to say someone was asking for it based on the way they were dressed. But it could also be how they act. How they are walking.  Even how they might have smiled at someone. T looked at me and went to sit on the couch. He stared at me and I stared back. I wanted to know if he understood now why everyone was making such a big deal about it. He did.

I again reiterated to him that no matter what a girl is wearing or how she looks, talks or behaves does not mean he has the right to touch her unless she gives him permission. And than I did something that may have either scarred him for life, or done some good, I told him that the basis of his behaviour towards girls (now) and women as he gets older should be as simple as this: Would he want someone to do this to his mother?

I am not saying my son is not going to ogle girls and smile at them. I would not expect him not to. It is human nature. If you say not, I say you are a liar. You should see me when a cute man walks by the counter at work, I will be leaning over it to watch him go out that door. However, I know that I am teaching him how to respect them more.

 

Snow Chicken

Went yesterday to the Ex’s to have him replace the two wheel studs that had broken off my tire when he put the snow tire on the rear driver side and my plug to plug the car in. Yes, Saturday, despite years of constant checking, I drove off with my car plugged in. The cord remained plugged into the outlet and the plug ripped free from the car. Ah yes, the shades of red my face was Saturday night when I arrived home from work, was hidden by the darkness.  The ‘Are you f***ing kidding me?’ as I shook my head and ground my teeth in frustration, was pure comedy.

This is also my week with T so I killed two birds with one stone and he came home with me once the Ex was all done with the repairs.  We also discussed a few things with regards to T, and how we were going to go together and help T out with a purchase of a gaming system that he wants. I am the lesser of the idiots when it comes to gaming platforms so I shall be the one doing the research and looking around for the best deal. T wants an Xbox 360 except I have discovered that Xbox has its next generation Xbox One out. There was also a discussion with regards to language.

Remember how T dropped the f bomb on me? Well apparently he has been really vulgar at his dad’s. Yesterday he was asked if he was allowed to swear at my place and obviously his answer was no. So they wanted to know why he thought he could swear while at his dad’s? I am sure that T is going to long for the days when his dad and me did not talk for no sooner was he in the car with his seatbelt on than the question was asked: I understand that you have been swearing a lot what is that all about? I don’t know, as he looks at his lap.

Look I am not an idiot. I know that he swears. I am not so far removed from my own vulgarity and the recalled horror of the one time I dropped the ‘f’ bomb on mom, but there is a place and a time. The place and time right now is not within hearing distance of any adult and only with your friends. As I said, I know it happens, I do not need to hear it too.

We talked all the way home with a few laughs. Found out how far he was in his Call of Duty game. Learned that a new one was coming out and soon all his on-line friends would be playing that and not the one he had. Which lead to a discussion about how he would have to earn money to purchase said game, that they were not free. I do believe that he is beginning to understand that money is not something that grows on trees.

Although it is only the beginning of winter, there is already a snow pile in both the parking lot of the gas station next door and a wee one next to the building. We were going over the rules of snow hills. No sliding down snow hills that are piled up at the street corners. No sliding down hills in parking lots. The one on the side of the building is okay as now no one can park there. (It is our visitor parking)

We are sitting at the red light discussing the rules. I look over and read the sign for a local restaurant: 9 pc Chester Chicken with fries and 2 liter pop $5 off.

‘And T I really do not want you to be run over by a chicken.’

I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth. And I howled. T looked at me like I had suddenly sprouted wings and repeated ‘a chicken mom’?

I pointed over to the sign and he read it and looked at me. I am giggling uncontrollably because I totally know what happened. I was saying the standard ‘I don’t want you to get hit by a car’ at the same time as I was processing the sign about the sale on chicken and those wires crossed.  This is not the first time nor will it be the last time it happens. I am the Queen of wires crossing and the weirdest things coming out of my mouth. I have asked people if they would like milk for their bags? Would they like cereal in boxes? Some days I think it might be better for me to keep my mouth shut, but the comedy is gold I tell you.

The start of our week was awesome. What with the laughing and snow hills and all. Just remember folks to watch out for those deadly snow chickens, you never know when they will appear.

End of an Era

Today is going to be the 2nd hardest day of T’s life to date. I would say his first hardest was when I moved out of the family home into our apartment. Like that time period, he had to adjust and redefine his reality. This is going to be the same. Today is the day that T’s best friend K is moving. An hour away.

Yesterday T and me, we put on a helluva show for the neighbors and others who were lucky enough to have caught it. At one point the RCMP drove by and all I could think was wonderful, I am going to be arrested for making T go for a walk. Again. This time I did not even make a lap around the park I was so furious. Walking back I steamed. When we got home he refused to come in.

It was awesome. His dad had text to say he was going to take T shopping. I text him back and said come and get him. I cannot deal with this attitude. I went outside and told him his dad was coming to get him. And I ruined his life even more by telling both of his friends that he was grounded. The t.v., the play station, youtube, computer, all gone.

When his dad arrived I explained everything to him and handed the Fire Kindle back saying T is not allowed any electronics. I assumed that he would think that I was over-reacting so was a bit on the defensive.  He did not. And when T came out and was snarky with me, my ex said T’s name and looked at him.

I went back inside, still angry. I was so tired of T’s attitude. All I had wanted was for T and me to go for a quick walk while his friends were not home. This whole show was for a point he had snippily informed me, as he did not want to go for a walk. But your friends were not even home, I pointed out, so there was no one to play with. You did this all for nothing.

I mulled it over. Text back and forth with K’s mom M and finally I decided that because it was K’s last night I would allow T to play with his friends. I still was not giving him back his electronics because he acted like a little snot, but I would not be the cause of irreparable childhood scars for not letting him play with his best friend, on his last night, as our next door neighbor.

They played and all things were grand until T came in and he had tears on his face. Angry that he could not play with his friends, he could not understand why they had gone into one’s house without him. He wanted to go knock on the door again, and while I sympathized with him, I had to caution him that it was inappropriate to go banging on the door again. In under two minutes. Than he heard the boys and went off running. Only to return three minutes later tears leaking down his cheeks.

I held my arms open and he flew over to the couch. I held him, rubbing his back and rocking him, my heart breaking and my own tears falling. I told him that K was only an hour away and that with school starting he would make new friends, people he had never met before. T shook his head and said ‘no mom, I have no other friends. And I know everyone in grade 4.’

I had no argument for him. I held him until he felt better and he sat up. I cajoled him into the shower. The tears had left tracks in the dirt on his face. And he had said it was shower night anyways. We sat on the couch and talked a little bit more. I let him watch Larva and I watched it with him. A show that I cannot fathom nor explain. It is on Netflix.

He was in bed and asleep at 9. I am holding firm on that one. We have been getting back into the swing of a 9 p.m. bedtime so I won’t have to fight next week. This morning when he got up, I text M to see if they were awake. They were. T and K are together for the last little while.

As I was writing this, any residual anger that I felt at T for his behaviour has leaked away. Instead I am ashamed that I was not more compassionate towards him. He is 9. His best friend since he was 1.5 years old is moving today. They have been neighbors for over a year. Don’t get me wrong that does not excuse T’s behaviour, and the repercussions still stand, but compromise might be possible. After I get my house cleaned. And his room purged. And the cat litter boxes cleaned………..

 

 

Not Funny

Yes so Wednesday T was furious with me. I had been after him all day to go for a walk with me. He kept putting me off until finally I had had enough and told him that we were going, no ands ifs or buts about it. Outside we went and he huffed and puffed behind me. Stomping his feet and swinging his arms, postulating like an ape. I was trying so hard to keep a straight face.

We walked along, me slightly ahead of him, as I was not going to allow his misery to color my joy at being outdoors. Finally he comes clomping up next to me and with a red face demands that I slow down. I am walking too fast if I can be way ahead of him. I slowed my pace but refused to talk to him while he was still acting this way. All I wanted was a little time where he and me could get out and enjoy our time together.

We got to the park and began our lap around the pathway. I ended up being warmer than expected so made him hold the keys and my phone while I took off my hoodie. This began a conversation. Of sorts. First though T had to make sure that I knew without a doubt that I was only allowed to take one lap around the park.

Our conversation was actually pretty cool. We talked about university versus college. How was T to get there? What if he didn’t have his driver’s license by than? All this stemmed from the fact that I informed him that unless he was going to school, he would not be living with me rent free until he was twenty-five. I was optimistic as this is the first time that T has agreed that he is going to further his education after high school. (I should note here that he wants to be a mechanic and own his own business. I keep telling him that he will need to learn the trade aspect as a mechanic and than take business courses so he knows what he is doing. T seems to think that this might be a good idea now.)

As we come around the curve, I decide that we are going to keep going so I wave T to continue walking. Which did not meet with his approval. So he became angry. We walked along no longer talking. T continued to bitch and moan that I was not being fair. We no longer had anything to talk about. I finally had enough.

‘Here, lay down on the grass between the trees and I will continue my walk.’

‘No, you aren’t going to come back this way mom.’

‘You can see the entry way, just watch for me.’

‘But what if I miss you?’

‘I guess you will figure that out soon enough,’ I glanced over at him.

‘Mooooooom! You would just leave me here?!?’

I could not contain myself. The look on his face one part abject horror that I would even conceive of leaving him laying on the grass in a pout and one part anger that I would even conceive of leaving him laying on the grass in a pout. I burst out with laughter, and not a gentle ladylike tee hee hee. I guffawed. I chortled. I had tears in my eyes.

‘That is not funny at all mom.’

‘I thought it was.’

‘Well it wasn’t.’

We continued along in silence a little while longer. Me giggling under my breath and wiping away the stray tear. T clomping along in stony silence. Finally throwing me a glare he muttered ‘you can talk now mom.’

With that we segued back into our conversation about school. I admitted that I kinda wished that I had continued my university education. Not sure what I would have done with a Bachelor of Arts but there you have it. When we came to the bend again, T made sure that I continued walking the straight and narrow out of the park.

His friends were outside playing but he graciously conceded to walking to the Co-op with me. As we walked over to the apartment, I was glad I had forced the issue. I thanked T for walking with me, and told him that I hoped it would happen again. And soon.