Do I need my brain Poked?

Well I realize that this is not what is done when they stick and swab your nasal cavity but it is a better image is it not?
Poking the brain.
 
As I previously wrote this week Tember has a cold.
It is sticking around in the form of a cough.
Had I kept him home on Monday I am sure that rather then now missing the rest of the week he would be going  back today.
Live and learn.
And it is a cold.
A cold I tell you.
 
I called off work today.
I feel really guilty but I am coughing with a headache and sniffles.
I would much rather take today to feel better then be off for days on end.
My supervisor asked if I should be tested.
I said no. 
 
As a child growing up mom always said I was great for getting sick on the weekend.
Never during the week while she was working.
She also instilled in me the premise that one does not call off from work unless they are dying.
Or in a hospital bed.
Her mind set has since changed but it is one I still battle.
 
I am getting better a calling in and not pushing through being ill.
All it does is extend my feelings of shittyness.
But I still have that sense of guilt that because I can stand up and am not totally laid low that I should be at work.
It is a hard one to shake.
I could be on my death bed and would still feel guilty although I am working on that.
 
When I woke this morning I knew something was wrong. 
I had not slept well last night. 
Up at 2:30 when Loki decided that he was hungry and cried.
And cried.
And cried.
Then after feeding him he proceeded to cry some more.
Thomas was pushing him away.
So I had to take the food into my room.
Where Lucky’s bowl was because she has to eat right before bed under my bed so the other two leave her alone.
My head felt floaty.
My throat a little scratchy.
And as I moved I began to cough.
I did a self assessment.
Stood in front of the fridge going down the list.
 
I will provide a bit of background.
Since I was little whenever I get a cold it settles in my lungs.
Mom use to take me to the doctor a lot because I sounded like I was wheezing and gasping for breath.
When I cough(ed) I sound(ed) like a barking seal.
I wore a lot of hot mustard plaster during the winter months.
It seemed to work though.
Mom thought it was asthma.
I think she said the Dr. told her that I had weak lungs? 
Mom do you remember? (HE HE HE I Know you are reading)
 
I am also very in tune with my body.
It is not my thought only as my family Dr. has mentioned it.
I am not one of those who goes running every time I feel something is off.
I can assess what is happening and go from there.
 
Mom was a nurse.
So another thing that drilled into me as a child was you do not go to the Dr. unless something is seriously wrong.
Death bed or hospital…….
Going to the doctor when it is a simple cold/flu is unnecessary.
It is a waste of resources that can be used to help those who are truly ill.
Never mind wasting their time as well.
 
Which is why when I am being asked if I should go and be tested I give a resounding no.
I know my body.
I know in sickness and in health.
I have the start of a cold.
Complete with cough.
And no cough syrup.
Messaged the ex and asked if he could pick some up for me. 
Benylin Cough & Congestion. 
Works better then the other stuff.
For me.
I was coughing as I headed down the stairs and decided to nip in bud.
Opened and took a slug. 
When you have a cough like I do tablespoon does not cut it.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
He had grabbed me extra strength.
Did not know that there even was extra strength.
 
I am now on couch.
Wrapped in blanket with my coffee.
Loki is settling to sleep on top of me.
I am going to cuddle with him and put something on the tv low as background.
Cartoons most likely so that when I fall asleep I won’t be missing anything important. 
And should work call and request it I will go and get my brain poked. 
 
Have a terrific Thursday loves.
 
©Oct. 22/20
Picture via Pinterest
 
 
 

Day 92 of Sobriety

It has been a weird strange week.
 
I was off. 
Felt sad.
Wept.
Felt better.
Angry.
Done with customers.
Thursday……..Please see I’m a Little Radio.
Friday…..I watched the clock.
 
I am not a clock watcher. 
I may take a glance now or then but a watcher no.
And to make matters worse it was a slow day at work. 
Would have gone home but I am taking a week off at beginning of January so was not willing to give up 3 hours.
I smiled.
I joked with my customers.
I had two ladies come through my till and we were laughing and joking.
 
C 1: I’m sorry today is my first day out.
M: Oh day pass?
C 1: How did you know?
M (leaning against till as though voicing a conspiracy) Don’t tell anyone but every once in awhile they let me out to come to work.
C 2: Do you two know each other? (Laughing as obviously not they are friends)
C 1: You just made our day. Thank you so much.
They walked away chortling.
 
I was thrilled at 3:30 to dash out the door. 
All the way home I hemmed and hawed about walking to meet Tember. 
Got home.
Put a hoodie on over my work shirt and sweater.
Put on fuzzy knee hi socks.
Jacket.
Gloves.
Walking to meet him was chilly.
Walking back colder.
NW wind.
We had fun though.
Talking.
My mood lifted.
 
Yesterday I waffled between laziness and should do something.
I always do something.
I always clean.
I did not make the bed.
I did not do the laundry.
I did make beef stew.
I did not write.
No inspiration.
I felt a loggerhead.
There is an itch for change.
But what???????
 
The other day I craved a drink.
I did not have one but I craved one.
And then I did not.
My tracker informed me this morning that I am 92 days sober.
And it seems that this may have something to do with the feelings that I am experiencing.
I have not missed drinking at all.
I have not missed feeling like shit for three to four days after drinking.
I have missed nothing at all about drinking.
 
I have gained energy.
I have adulted.
I am making things my own.
I am embracing the dark ladies that bubble up poking and prodding at me.
 
Psssst Jay…….I have another one. He really deserves to die. Please. Let me out.
Or
Jay……Get him. Her. They did it. Let me at them! Liars. 
or
Jaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..Don’t open your eyes.
 
I could go on and on but that is enough to freak anyone out so I will stop with the ladies in the head.
I took my blood pressure yesterday as I felt that it was thumping.
123/73
Resting heart rate of 71.
I am back to normal.
Ha ha in the blood pressure range anyhow.
 
Speaking of scary freak out material:
 
Last night as I lay in bed I was goofing around in Messenger sending pics to a friend.
They have filters and I got a little wonky. 
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I was having fun until I got to the last one.
This one here.
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I was laying in the dark so when it asked to find a face a pulled it in really close and slowly backed out again.
Trying to get the right color so the horns would show.
Well……
And there was no way for me to capture this…..
As I pulled the phone back and the red lighting flared my image has its mouth open.
I do not.
On my face face.
Thought it was a glitch.
Until it happened three more times.
No more pictures for me lol.
 
I woke up at 6 this morning and stretched.
Feeling something has shifted.
Not entirely sure what it is but it has.
And then the notification.
Things began to make sense.
 
Three months is big for me.
Three months is always the bar.
If I can get to the three months mark I can do anything.
Taught myself to make my bed every morning in 90 days.
Quit smoking the 700th time in three months after that no patches needed.
Pills. 
I counted down a year for those.
And this year it is 3 years free.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I am proud of myself for accomplishing this.
 
Autumn is here with colder weather and once more I already have my heat on.
That plays havoc with my moods as well.
Have begun to include a Vitamin D to my daily vitamin regime.
Using my blue light in the morning before work.
I know what to expect come winter.
I know my moods are bleaker.
Sadder.
But I know this.
And knowing means I can plan and put into place safeguards so that I am not wallowing.
I don’t wallow really.
Not any more.
 
The anger I was feeling last week seems to have abated. 
My feelings of needing change. 
Still there.
That is something I need to work through.
Usually when this feeling occurs something big happens.
 
First time: got pregnant with Tember.
Second time: left the ex.
Third time: Ka-boom! 
Fourth time: pending.
 
To begin your week with a chuckle:
 
My adopted little sis ‘Queen-in-Training’ (I am Queen) and I were talking about men/relationships:
 
Me: IDK I don’t want to have like a full on relationship. Pretty easy really. Message me daily. Maybe dinner and evening during week and one evening on weekend to spend night. The rest of the time leave me alone. 
QIT: So basically you are a cat.
Me: Huh I guess I am. 😹😹😹😻😻😻
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Have a fabulous Sunday loves. 
 
©Oct. 18/20
Pictures obviously are my own (🎃🎃😝😝)