Wise Boy

Sage advice from Tember after telling him I felt weepy:

Mom it is okay to cry for no reason. Is it a little weird? Yes but do you feel better after crying?

Me: Yes

Then cry mom. And you will feel better.

So I did and I do how did I get so lucky?

And the Winner Is…..

I was not today but I certainly was yesterday. Confused yet? I would be for you have not had the pleasure of hearing the tale of the late ones.
Not sure if everyone recalls that I had made it a goal to have Tember to school no later than 9 a.m. And I was doing really well until now.
Back story to how this all came about: I was running later then usual and took the round-about a little quicker than I should have and yelled wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Tember looks at me and shakes his head. What? I asked fairly defensively. He has taken to making fun of me a lot……only right considering all the things I make fun of him about…..You have got to be the only parent that does that going around the corner. Well it is fun leaning like you are racing. Hey do you think that that is what late parents do? Race to not be the last? (There are a few of us) Okay Tember get ready undo your seat beat I will slowly roll while you fold and roll buddy we can’t be the last ones. Tember looks at me like I am absolutely nuts and gives me a kiss. This has now become a running joke with us. And seriously I cannot be the only one…..right?
In part the reason that I am getting later is sometimes I am writing. As was the case yesterday. Another part is brushing snow off the car. Again as was the case yesterday. Warm the car up in -30 C weather before being able to get out the door to take Tember to school. And I will say that yesterday was a doozy of a day. Cold and snowing blowing the car did not even warm up at all yesterday. I told Tember that I was fairly confident that I would not be the only parent dropping their kid off late……there had to be a few of us. And there were. But I get ahead of myself.
I pull in chortling because I am not the last vehicle. I can see three more cars come whipping around the round-about. But there is snow on the back window again so I have to get out and brush off. Tember shook his head and said oh god mom you are going to be that mom this morning aren’t you? I am guessing there is a mom like me every morning. You know that parent. Daring to make themselves visible to in coming classmates. He is lucky that I did not grab him and kiss him. Waved good bye and hopped back in car. As I drove away a couple of more cars in pulled to disgorge children. I giggled to myself as I pictured the other parents who now were not the last last cheering and punching air or dancing in seat or both chanting: I’m not the last one. I’m not the last one.
Well this morning I was most definitely the last one. I think. But in my defense it felt like -39 C. It was damn cold because even with having been plugged in my car had a really rough time starting. I start work later today so I plan to run the car a good twenty minutes before leaving. Will also have to run out on breaks and run car. These temps are hard on gas that is for sure but at least gas is now under a $1 so there is the silver lining there. We all bundle up. When you live in Manitoba you really cannot gripe about the weather…..we can always move.
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s winner…..maybe it will be me!
Jan. 16/20

Did You Turn the Lights Out?

Well me and my warped humor have struck again. I have now moved from being the cool funny mom to being ‘that’  mom. And the fact that I laugh at my own jokes seems to make matters worse. But laugh I do. To the point where I am crying. Besides if I don’t mess with Tember’s head who will?
Tember has this really bad habit. Really bad. He turns lights on. Hall. Bathroom. Kitchen. Upper hallway. You name it he turns it on. What he does not do is turn them off. That is right…..no matter how many times I remind him…..nag him……bully him as he would say…..this kid is incapable of turning lights off.
This week the ex dropped Tember off a few nights. Tuesday evening he arrives home knocks on the door and as he opens it hollers ‘helloooooooooooooo’ so I did not hear him lock the door. This bothers me for one main reason…..he has been known to get distracted and forget to lock the door. He comes down the stairs and the hallway light to the stairs goes on…..the kitchen light well I had left the one on over the stove so it was good for now…..bathroom light……hallway light and his room. Every light blazing. Our conversation is as follows:
Me: Buddy did you lock the door?
Tember: Yes.
Me: Did you turn the lights out?
Tember: What?
Me: Did you turn the lights out?
Tember: Why?
Me: Did you turn the lights out? You turn them on but not off! Have you turned the lights off?
We go back and forth me asking Tember getting more and more annoyed and once I start to giggle…..things got even more annoying.
Me: (for like the thousandth time) Buddy did you turn the lights out?
Tember: Mom seriously that is enough. Enough ok? You are not funny.
Me: Hey buddy did you turn the lights out? You still have not told me. And are you sure that you locked the door?
Tember (sighing exasperated as I am giggling): Mom I locked the door. I will turn the lights out I swear.
Me: I don’t believe you.
Tember: Mom that is enough you are not funny.
He putters around the kitchen putting his lunch containers in the sink. Bathroom and of course the lights are still on. I am laying in bed chortling watching but at same time I am in need of reassurance. I need for him to check to door.
Now….I have at this time gotten out of bed turned all the lights off and crawled back into bed. Why did I not check the door myself you might ask? Turning lights out does not require glasses checking that the door is locked does…..Jay is lazy.
I crawl back into bed and Tember goes into the kitchen to grab a drink. Light in hall goes on. Light in bathroom goes on. Light in kitchen goes on. I am like seriously but at the same time I am going to take advantage of this.
Me: Tember are you sure that you locked the door?
Tember:  Yes mom I am.
Me: Are you sure sure?
Tember (and I hear the frustration) : Mom I locked the door.
Me: Can you just humor your mom? Please? Go and check the door for me.
Tember: grumbles under his breath……it is locked mom…..
Me: giggle giggle snort snort….but did you turn out the lights?
Were I to write over and over how many times I asked Tember if he turned out the lights you would abandon reading this. However whether child or parent you have been at one end or the other of this conversation so go with that……
Maybe it is only me? I don’t know but I thought I was hilarious. Two days after this happened I was still giggling. As I write this I am giggling.
Tember……he did not…..does not…..think that I was/am funny at all.
Okay…..he told me I was not funny.
I have told a few people about this…..and with the exception of one everyone has thought my messing with him is hilarious……now every night before bed the question shall be asked:
Did you turn the lights out?
***I am laughing as I write this. Maybe it is only funny in my head because each time I tell it I am crying laughing by the end. It may not translate as well in my writing as it does in the telling but I hope it does.*****
Jan. 11/20
Picture via Pinterest

It Might be Me Time

I decided that I was going to do something nice for myself as well as helping out the ex so I took holidays from Dec. 27-Jan 5th. I have never done this. As I said in part was to help ex as it is his week and Tember is still out of school. Well Tember has decided he is going to his best friend’s. Which means I am alone for 7 days.

Which lead me to do some calculations. It has been well over a year since I have been alone for a stretch of time. And I am not sure what to do with myself.

Sure I will enjoy my ability to run around apartment stark naked but that will last all of thirty seconds and I will be freezing.
I can watch what I want. Already do that.
And then I realized…..I am going to have some serious me time. To read. To write. To sleep in? We all know that won’t happen.

It will be my time. To work with myself for myself. Sounds odd but an up coming post will make that statement make sense.

And to run around naked from dusk til dawn…..in my dreams.

Dec. 20/19
Picture is my own. Was burning incense and smoke was hanging in air. Snapped a few shots and played around. I like how it turned out.

Me & 2019

I haven’t done this for a while. Chatted with myself. Trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Where I am going. What I am wanting from myself and from my life. I cannot continue to surf along being a passive participant. And truthfully I am. I do not actively write for a poetry collection. It is a dream yet I keep telling myself it will happen when you have the time. When you are on holidays. When you have this when you have that it isn’t gonna happen without my doing something about it. So I have.
 Tember received his report card  last week. I am happy with his grades. There are a few things he needs to improve on one such thing being his use of punctuation spelling sentence structure to name a few. We were talking about it on the way to school the other morning. Yesterday. I was asking a few questions probing wondering if he was having some difficulties. He said no it was how he wrote. Now I get that. I spew out a lot too so I understand what he is saying. (As is most apparent with these types of posts)  He is trying to keep up with the ideas that are forming in his head. There are times when I write that I end up on autopilot because I have too much to say and if I slow down I loose the rhythm. I can go back and edit. Which is what Tember needs to do. Edit that is I suggest that during the week he is with me in the evening he could write a page and go back over to edit it. He is grousing at me and how am I going to gauge a page? When it hit me:  Buddy we will do it together. During the time that you are writing I will do the same. I will begin my poetry collection for publication.
Called Evenings spent with my Son. That is a working title but we are doing this. Tember will work on his short stories. I will work on my poetry.
My problem is I like to share my poems. Once upon a time I despaired of being a poet. I wanted to be a writer. A Writer. Who spun stories. Who had a wellspring of tales in her head that needed to be told. Some of this may sound familiar to those who have followed my blog for awhile but for those who are relatively recent a quick run down: I was sure I was the next best thing in the writing world. Please cut me some slack I was a brash teenager. Aren’t we all as we head into adulthood? I had written the next great novel. I sent it off. I was rejected. Now they acknowledged I had talent but that I should avail myself of some classes. Writing classes. Broke my spirit. At that time I had no idea that I had depression/living with depression.This was enough to send me into an episode. I did not write for years. Approximately 5. Then the dam broke and out came the notebooks filling them with poem after poem. This became a cycle for me. Eventually it boiled down to: I burned my collection of works. Swore I I was never going to write again. Ever. Yet here I am. And I realized I am a writer. I write for the pleasure of others. My stories. My words. My imagination. My creativity. My emotions. I write for myself. Actually I will let you in on a little secret I am not sure that I am the real author of the poems. I may be channeling someone greater than myself will ever be because I can never believe that I wrote that. That I put those words together. Oh look at me off on a ramble and boasting.
I am making myself cry.
Originally I was sitting down to write because I was annoying the hell out of myself. I have been finding myself lately second guessing things that I have said or done. Examined them over and over obsessively to see if I could have handled them differently. Coming up with answers to questions that have not even been asked. Given how f**ken hard I worked to break myself of this very bad habit yet here I am doing it again. I have had several conversations with myself. When I do catch myself (it is becoming easier to see what I am doing and why. It is having to face what is inside me) and chivy myself along with a stern talking to. I keep having to remind myself that it is passed in the past. Nice tongue twister there. I have to remind myself that coming up with answers to questions is futile and so…..was going to say idiotic but stopped. That is such an insult to myself. I am not an idiot. I am someone who when she is bothered by something begins to obsess over it. Poking and prodding.
More tears.
I have a friend who seems to have an uncanny knack for messaging me at a time when I need it. I asked her a couple of questions about what was bothering me and told her I was obsessing over it. With that she shot back that I do a great job. To not obsess in anyway. And that I had actually accomplished something that others could not. I almost spit out my coffee when I read that. She has been on this incredible ride with me for the last two years. I was not sure if I ever told her how much I appreciated her and all she has done for me. So I told her today.
Crying again.
Someone will be pleased to know I am sentimental. (Stop smirking J) And maybe I am crying for myself too. For how far I have come. I have further to go but right now I am good with myself. I do have to work at being more accepting of myself. Loving of myself. Quit looking in the mirror and despairing at what I see. Refind my confidence. Grow.
Well now I began in one spot and as usual when I begin to write these conversations and everything comes spewing out. I know it it is because I think of some as family and our community here is supportive and close knit. and you all create so you will understand my abrupt brain shifts. Squirrel. Hope that made someone laugh.
I am going to give a brief recap of my 2019:
Tember and I have continued to grow our relationship. I am that cool mom. Only because I almost never get mad and even if I do it never lasts long. We will still do things for each other even if we are mad. I have realized hanging on to anger is ridiculous. Yes I might yell however after I calm down I always go back and we talk. Oh and as I am at work I provide great comedic entertainment for Tember’s friends. I.E. putting my glasses on over my contacts and then accusing Tember of having done something to them. OMG I felt dumb on that one.
The ex and I are getting along really well. He is back with his significant other which I am so appreciative of. She is good for him. And I like her.
Me? Mentally I have done really well. I have been struggling with alcohol I am going to be honest. However I am quitting. I can see mom shaking her head as she has heard it time and time again and shit I sound exactly like it. Ever need a swift kick in the ass to realize you are exhibiting the behaviour of someone you despise? Just had that moment. Gonna make it stick this time.
Met a really nice man. However much to my dismay it did not work out and while we still text some times we have parted company. I have been watching a lot of Murdoch mysteries hence the ‘parted company’ comment. He made me laugh.. And ladies…..hang on to your hats…..he even listened every once in a while. I know I had to bestill my beating heart as well.
As we are heading into the final days of 2019 I look forward to Dec. 23. It will be two years that I have been pill free. 24 months. With no slips. No cravings except maybe once but I was stronger then that. I am damn proud of myself. I have had heartache and allowed myself to experience it. Twice. Once with mom although I had to drink to get the words out with that one. But the crying. The pain. The loss. The everything…..I allowed it all to flow over me. And let me say I did not like it. I did not like experiencing all those feelings like that. I understand why I took pills for so long to mash down my feelings. The fact is I have beaten the pills. Not my addictive personality. That is something that I always am going to struggle with. But the desire to escape from them. I do not want to do that ever again. And I think that I really ready to open up myself. To myself. I need to come out and chisel the metaphorical ice that I have around my heart and to let it warm. Sounds so damn corny. But I cannot be afraid to live any more. I need to reach for the stars. I need to believe in myself. I need to be 100% not 92.9% as I hold the rest in reserve.
I am looking forward to growing more in 2020. I look forward to loving all of me. I look forward to all the life has to offer me. All of it.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Folks. I appreciate each one of you who are a part of my WordPress family even though I am more the quiet lurker in the corner with all the kitties. Sorry more warped humor. Hope all enjoy if you made it to the end of my endless ramble. Not sure how to end this but I cannot type forever so I shall just stop now………
Dec. 5/19

Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.