Heart & Soul

Today’s episode of ‘Let’s see if Jay can keep her cool…..’ is brought to you by…..me!

It has been awhile (okay a long time) since I have given an update as to what is going on with me and T.

The end of the year was difficult for T and I. We had a lot of rough mornings, yelling and screaming and that was just me. He ranted and cried and refused to leave the house. We have to find a balance for next year as I am just so unprepared to deal with this. As well, he is going to soon out weigh me so it will be harder to push him out the door. 🙂 The last time we battled, I ended up grabbing him by the back of the neck and frog marching him into the bathroom. Than dragged him out by his arm. All while he screamed ‘stop hurting me, you’re hurting me.’ This lead to a serious discussion on the way to school let me tell you.

Now for braggy mom to come out. T sailed onto Grade 5. With flying colors. My son is a mostly A student with a couple of B’s thrown in there. The subjects that were the lower grades, well not the ones that he found to be all that enjoyable. What I need to enforce this summer is reading so that he will be going into Grade 5 on par with his peers.

Me time, me time! I have been doing awesome. I am happy. I am confident. Yes, no doubt there are days when I have a little let down but they never last long. I am setting goals for myself and although I have yet to begin working on a single one, I have them. Work is going so amazing.

Stepping down absolutely was the best thing that I could have done. I am not the same person at all. The person who worried. Who controlled. Who followed all the rules. She is gone. I am responsible for T and myself. No one else. Nothing else. I am way more relaxed. I am making changes, ones that are good for me. Exercising. Eating well. I am not sure how it could get any better. Well I can but that is a long conversation for another time.

Now let us fast forward to today’s episode on ‘Can Jay keep her cool?’

First Act: Regular customer is getting ready to pay for his groceries. Pays the same way all the time. I told him the total and hit debit and told him to go ahead and insert. He looked at me sheepishly and said: I’m sorry, I stuck it in too early.’ I bit my tongue so hard to keep from laughing out loud.

Second Act: A lady stops in front of the counter. I ask her how I can help her. This is the following conversation.

‘How can I help you today?’

‘I want a ticket.’

‘What type of ticket are you wanting?’

‘A scratch ticket.’

‘What type of scratch ticket?’

‘I guess they are all scratch tickets aren’t they?’

I could only stand and stare at her.

‘I think I will take a crossword because I like words.’

Third Act: Phone is ringing and I answer it. I do my spiel ‘Thank you for calling blah blah blah blah. How may I help you?’

‘I need a price check.’

‘Okay, on what?’

***To save on space and too boring I will give a synopsis.***

The customer had been in our store and made a purchase for her neighbor of cream. Now when she got home, there was no cream. But she paid for it. And the cashier had given her back change. $15-16. I check with the cashier and no, cream was not left behind. Ask customer if she has her receipt and am told no.

‘M’aam, maybe you were not even charged for it.’

‘But I was. I gave her a $20 and she gave me back change. I just need to know the price so I can charge my neighbor.’

‘But you don’t have the cream?’ (Yes I realize none of my business.)

‘But I paid for it and now she needs to pay me back,’

I go and check for her and come back to phone.

‘$3.99.’

‘Good so $4.00 I will charge her.’

She than hung up. Did not even ask me how we were going to fix this. Was so intent on getting her price that the fact she did not have the product seemed to have flown out the window. I would have loved to be a fly on that wall.

‘Yes Doris? You owe me $4.00.’

‘Where’s my cream?’

‘Well it never made it home with me. You still owe me $4.00 though for the cream.’

And so on and so forth. Shaking my head.

Act Four: Answering the phone, giving my spiel and realizing that a) there was no one there and b) the phone had not even rung. Thank goodness I have a great sense of humor with myself and laughed hard.

These are the type of days I have. They make great fodder for the imagination. Today’s though, they were too special to keep to myself. I love talking to people, and while there are those who would prefer to remain silent, the majority like to talk. Which leads me to this gem.

I was checking through a little old lady. She was about 90/92 I believe, she did tell me so that is how I know that it was in the 90’s. We were chatting away and I was explaining to her that sometimes I talk so much (shocker there) that I am not aware of what I am doing.

Case in point: I was chatting away with my customer and trying to scan a product. I kept moving it back and forth and finally looked down to see why I was not getting a beep. Well, it only works when you scan it with the laser, not over the deactivator. The customer and I roared.

By the time I was done, my little old lady was laughing so hard. I handed her back her change and wished her a good day.

She said to me: ‘You are good for my heart and soul. Thank you for making me laugh today.’

And that folks is how I am leaving it. I am good for the heart and soul.

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Sad….Not Sad Anymore

I am sitting here at 6:49 a.m. yogurt eaten, coffee on the table, I can hear the birds chirping away outside and it is Friday.

Monday-Wednesday for sure felt like a long continuation of Monday. Yesterday began like another Monday but morphed into a really great day. Work went awesome. I was able to talk to customers and laugh. A lot of laughing. I was able to accomplish all tasks without feeling drained. And I finished the day with a massage.

I wrote that I had made a plan and I am going to follow it.

  1. Affirmations. I had fallen away from saying mine and have restarted. Those words have more power than anything anyone could say to me because they are my truths of myself.
  2. Working out. I was up at 5:00 a.m. did my half hour on the bike and my 7 minutes abs exercise. And for those of you who scoff at the 7 minutes let me see you do it. LOL
  3. Writing. Besides the blog post and the poem last evening I also finished off another poem that I am just in love with. I need to tweak it a little before it will be ready. K says I am insane she can never really tell what it is that I have changed.
  4. Reading.
  5. Going to pick up my glasses today. (Not a thing I will do every day but I am excited)
  6. Not beating myself up.
  7. Remembering that I have people that I can reach out to. Talk to. I do not have to hide behind my strength, it is okay every once in awhile to have a mood and discuss it. No one is going to run screaming away from me.
  8. Admitting that I kinda miss having someone in my life. Not going any further.
  9.  The small things that keep me on track: making bed, doing dishes, tidying counter before leaving for work.
  10. Smile.

With these 10 items on my list, I cannot lose.

Also with the friends that I have made here on WordPress I cannot tell you how much I appreciated all your kind words and support. I cried when I read them because it makes the world so much smaller, so much dearer when you know that people are out there in all corners of the world rooting for and supporting you.

Today is going to be a great day. 🙂

Sad so Sad Part 2……

Well now that I have had a night to sleep on it, I realize what is going on with me. I am still feeling off this morning and my head is aching but I have a plan. Sort of.

First I realize that I am not always going to be singing about rainbows and true love. Or any type of love at all but that is besides the point. I was lulled. Lulled into thinking that my depression has faded away and is a part of my past. It is not. It is an every day thing that while it may hibernate somewhere in the deep recesses of my body it will reappear.

I am not in the throws of a depressive episode but I have had a dip in my mood. Which I have forgotten happens. So when it did or is as the case may be I begin to beat myself up and berate myself for not being happy. For not having the energy I need to do my job. For being short with T.

I have also fallen away from doing the things that keep me on track. Such as working out every morning. Making time to write and read. Sitting out in the sun.

So as of today I am going to quit beating myself up.  I will let the feelings move through me. Not dwell on them. Not try to figure out the reason behind them. Just let them move through and out.

I am going to get back on track. Waking up on time to work out. Not skipping a day even if I don’t feel like getting my ass out of bed. I am going to make the time I need to write. To read.

I will smile and be pleasant with my customers but until I fully move through to the other side I will not take myself to task for not being ‘on’.

I was allowing my depression to define me again, to make me doubt myself. And that is wrong. It is I who define my depression and I need to remember that.

Have a great day everyone. I know that I am going to.

**I picked my favorite quote because again I forget. What happened yesterday has happened. I cannot change it. What will happen today is up for grabs at the moment but I have the power to make it a great day. And even if today is not that great, there will be tomorrow. And as each tomorrow becomes today, it is a new day and a new chance for me to grow and learn. I must remember that always. 🙂

Sad so Sad…….

I am not exactly sure what is going on with me. At first I thought that I was morose. Than I looked up the definition and no that is not me. All I can say is I am feeling a little off. And it has not just been one day, no this has been going on since Monday.

Monday I slept in as late as I could before getting up and getting ready for work. I worked at 8 so what I really did was skip the workout, breakfast and coffee. So let’s put my mood down to that.

Tuesday. I got up at 5. Worked out, was ready to go before I even woke T up at 7. Yet still the feeling prevails.

I know something is off because truthfully, I am not my fun loving bubbly self at all. I can barely muster the energy to talk to customers at work.

I thought that as Monday and Tuesday were grey gloomy rain days, that that was all it was. I mean, T and me we fought again yesterday morning but now, I shrug my shoulders and lock myself in my bedroom. It was my fault for his shoes being wet as I made him walk home in the rain on Monday. Yep, evil mom that I am he had to walk home in the rain.

I can look for every excuse but there are none. I cannot explain what this feeling is other than off. I want to weep. I want to lay here cuddling my pillow and sob. But why? That my friends is the elusive question. I have no reason to be feeling down or sad. Work is great. My friends are great. T, well T is T. He is good when he wants to be and no so good when he doesn’t want to be.

My poetry is going well. I have no complaints there.

I want to cry. I want to be held while I cry. For no real reason but that I need to cry. Long hard sobs where I am gasping for breath and unable to speak. I do not know what is causing this giant hole I just know that I feel it and it is there.

I do not want to fall down the rabbit hole. I want to get back to the me I have been for the last while. I am sad. I am going to go and lock myself in my room and cry. I am sorry for being so depressive this evening when of late I have been on cloud 9. Hoping that this will pass soon.

 

I did it!!!!

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So…….this will be causing some confusion for my most recent followers and those who journeyed with me for awhile are probably thinking ‘um what did she do now?’ It is well known that I fly all over the place and have the strangest thoughts and feelings. This though, this needed to be done.

I crashed hard this passed Winter. I will not reiterate all I went through, for those who would like to know there are multiple blogs written and posted under Depression. I had a drug addiction problem, I was depressed. I did not believe in myself and it all came to a head when I took 30+ pills on December 23rd.

For three months, I did not work. At a job. I worked at myself. Hard. I looked at what caused me to do this. I looked at what I needed to do to make sure that it never happened again. I looked at my life. At what I wanted and needed to do.

T is my number one priority. And being in charge at work left me little time for him. Even when we were together I was always thinking about what had to be done, how it could be done. Staff issues. You name it, I dealt with it. I was short changing him.

My writing. This is my passion. This is what I am meant to do. I have known since I was 6 years old, if not sooner, that I wanted to be a writer. And than life got in the way. I need to reclaim that.

My mental health. While not all issues were work related, my need to appease male authority figures and be perfect related to my past, but I was projecting it forward. And it was killing me.

When I went back I went back with an open mind. No responsibility. See how things went. And you know what? I loved it. The not being responsible part. The not having to manage people. Or follow up with issues. Or making sure this, that and the next thing were done. I go to work, I work, and I come home. With energy for T and my own desires. Hmmmmmmmmmm……..

The last couple of days, my blood pressure has been elevated. I have been playing scene after scene over in my head about telling my boss I was stepping down. And I knew it had to be now. There was no more waiting. I was making myself ill and irritable because I thought I needed to wait. I didn’t.

I discussed this all with T before hand. Some might think what the heck? Talking to a 9 3/4 year old and asking his opinion? Hell ya! This is his life being affected too and I think that as parents we sometimes forget that. I explained to him that my stepping down meant time in morning but would have to work a little later in evening. He looked at me and said, ‘mom I want more time.’ That decided me right than and there.

Let’s get back on track. Today I went to my boss and asked if he had time for me. Finally around 4ish or so he did. I went to his office and while I teared up a little I explained I needed to step aside. T needs me more and that is what matters. The picture at the very top is me right after I gave my notice of stepping down. The second one is of me this evening after I have told everyone I know that I had done it.

There are a few who think that I am going to regret this but they are wrong. T, my mental health and my writing, that is what is important now.

I finally did it! I finally put not only T but myself first and damn but does it feel amazing.

 

 

Benign Neglect

I am sitting here having my coffee this morning a little tired and cranky. I could easily pass it off onto the cats who were doing the chase around the house at 3:23 a.m. using myself as a part of their obstacle course but this is not the sole reason.

For those who don’t know the whole story let me give you a bit of history. It has been 2.5 years since the Ex and me split. He fought me tooth and nail that we would share custody of T.  Sharing is different from joint custody. Shared is a straight 50/50 split. One week T is with me, one week with his dad. Not always perfect but it has worked.

This passed January, the Ex’s girlfriend began going to school during the day and had to work nights. As does he. So I agreed that T could come and spend the nights here while they were working. It was going to be for six months. She is done next month.

Beginning of April when I returned to work I explained to the Ex that he would need to stop here and pick T up on his way home from work Saturday a.m. as I began at 9. This is when I learned that for the previous month and a half, he has not been working Friday nights. Yet he not only did not tell me, he also did not pick T up until mid-Saturday afternoons. Well I guess you would think that shock would be my most prominent feeling. It wasn’t. I was more resigned.

T has been mentioning to me that his dad spends little time with him. Always in the shop working. Or on the weekends drinking. Hanging out with his friends. And T is suppose to stay until Monday mornings but has been coming home on Sunday for the last several weeks.

I received a text in the middle of the night. Well, 1:40 a.m. I woke up realizing that I had heard my phone go off. Before everyone is like wth is her phone on for I have two reasons. 1) T was at a sleepover at M’s. And despite her being a nurse and my inability to do anything were something to happen given that we live an hour apart, I leave my phone on just in case. 2) Mom. Again, I know that I can do nothing if something happens to her, but I don’t want to be waking up to a call from my bro about it.

I had been lead to believe that the Ex would not be home until today from his fishing weekend. That he works tonight so T would be staying with me. The working part is correct however he came home yesterday. The text was from his girlfriend. Or rather should I say ex-girlfriend. They had just broken up.

She was messaging me to ask that I keep T today until she was done moving out. That she did not want him to see that. I messaged her back and than shot a text to the Ex asking WTF? I have yet to hear from him. I don’t expect to because he is going to be hung over and dealing with a bitchy ex-wife is probably not at the top of his to do list.

We, she and I messaged for about an hour. His drinking is getting worse. He is not acting like himself. Refusing to change. Refusing responsibility except to himself. And it was never clearer to me that I had married a man so like my dad I am disgusted with myself.

Drink. Wreck lives. Pass out. Contrition. Rinse. And Repeat.

He is charming I will give him that. When he wants to be. But as a companion he sucks shit. She said to me last night that she hoped he would learn to love again. Now that could be a shot a me for destroying his ability but it wasn’t. The truth of the matter is that the Ex, he loves himself first and foremost. T, the ex-girlfriend, me we are/were pulled into his orbit. I have been able to pull myself out but T he is still there.

I am sad really. Sad because I believe that beneath the infantile man who puts his needs and wants before everyone else, is someone who could be a really great dad. Who could teach his son how to be a kind and decent man. Sad because I stand on the sidelines watching my child hurt and can only ease the pain so much. Sad because I am watching history repeat itself.

Benign neglect is more disheartening than straight up neglect.

There is always that hope that the other person with change. It is a futile wish.

**Photo is mine taken at Matlock Beach, Manitoba last summer**

 

 

Happiness is easy

Hey! What is that sound I am hearing? The one that is constantly pouring from my mouth, shaking my body, making my eyes shine? What is that noise I am making? Why can I not stop grinning?

I work with people all day long. I talk and talk and talk and talk. Yet I complain about T when he talks too much. Believe me I totally get the irony of that statement.

Since starting back to work last month, all I have done is Customer Service and cashiering. No responsibility. None. I show up for my shift, I do my work, I come home. I am not grouchy. I am not short tempered with T. I am loving going in no earlier than 9 a.m. So far the latest that I have had to stay until is 8:30 p.m.

Next week I begin working 8 hour days, earliest start time is 9 with the latest at 9:30. Wohooooo! Home no later than 6 p.m. Okay, home at 6:08 if I don’t have to go and pick T up from the sitter’s. Maybe I will make him walk home which of course he would not find very funny.

And the laughing. I laugh almost all the time with most of my customers. There is joking so much so that I have gotten to the point of saying that my comedy is free of charge, a bonus for coming through my till. And I do not have a quiet laugh. I am the girl who laughs with her entire being. I have mentioned that before in previous blogs. Head back, belly laughs. There have been times that I have been close to tears I am laughing so hard.

And the staff I am working with are terrific. I am wondering if I might have been a little scary before and come to think of it,  yeah I was. Anal, everything had to be by the book.  Unable to give up control. And I did not hang out with them while working. I was always doing what a manager does, managing. I do not have to do that now. Manage I mean.

Am I helpful? Yes I am. But I do not have to watch like a hawk and make sure that every little thing is being taken care of. I stand behind my till or bag for other cashiers. Last night I washed tills and made sure to tidy up the front. I did what I could do without stressing or foaming at the mouth because things were not completed before I left work.

I have been given until the end of June (I will have been back to work for 3 months than) to get back on my feet. To make the decision of whether or not I want to continue on in the role of Front End Lead, step down to Supervisor or step all the way down. To full time Customer Service/Cashier. And I have to tell you I am fairly confident that I already know what my answer is going to be.