Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

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My Life as a Dog

This is my first ever short story. It was written Sept. 15/82.  I was ten. Weird to realize as mom always told me I was younger. Any how hope you enjoy. And remember I was 10 lol

***I have not changed anything other than spelling and sentence lay out***

The day I was bought I was a puppy. I belonged to a little girl named Jay-lyn. (Me) When I got to my new home I was named Nero. At first I explored my yard. I met a squirrel who said:

“Hi my name is Pete. What’s your’s?”

“My name is Nero” I replied.

All of a sudden there was a cyclone.

“Hurry.” Pete yelled. “Run to your house.”

As I ran a rock hit my head.

That night I had to have a warm cloth on my head. After everyone had gone to bed I heard a scratching noise. I was curious. I went out to the front door.

It was my friend the squirrel.

He said “Under the tree we met I buried my wife when she died. Please bury me there.” With that he died.

I buried him the next day and also was caught in a cyclone.

I landed in Siberian Desert. I was so hungry and cold. I killed a rattle snake, by then I was ten.

I had found a farm and lived there. It was just like home but all of a sudden I had nightmares about the squirrel and home and ghost.

The very next year I wa caught in a cyclone and fell into Oz.

I found a girl named Dorothy crying.

“I lost my dog.”

So I took his place. So that is why we live here my children.

Written Sept. 15/82

 

Saturday January 26/19

T and me are hanging out. On a Saturday night. Okay late afternoon but whatever.
I have been watching (okay binging on) Wentworth. Precursor to Orange is the New Black. That one is next on my watch list. T is extremely interested in the show and well considering all the shit that one can find on Youtube I am not about to block him from watching. And he is watching with me. Sitting on the couch next to me. He has his blanket and favorite pillow. He has settled in for the duration. There are 6 seasons. He is in the living room with me. His Xbox is turned off and shut down. He is sitting here asking me questions.
Last night the Ex and me were texting. It has been decided that the Xbox is no longer going to be welcome at the Ex’s. He liked having T hang out with him and do other things than gaming. I get that. I still have not given him permission to play with his friends and he has not. There is no sneaking. He plays Farming Simulator 2019 and watches Youtube. He plays with his lego. He wants to hang out with me. He wants to hang out with his dad.Thinking that we might have stumbled onto something here.
I am a little afraid though. T is not acting like surly boy. He is being my sweet child. Hanging out with me. Playing with his cars and lego. He put the dishes away while I was washing the others. He is talking to me. Non-stop which I cannot complain about. A) I am a chatterbox and he takes after me. B) He is in the living room hanging out with me.
However as much as he is like me there are aspects of his father coming through. I watched season one by myself. T is coming in on season two. And the questions he is asking. Nonstop. Now we are watching the same episodes together. Therefore I know as much as he does. ‘Mom why is she bleeding?’ ‘Mom what happened to the girl with the foaming mouth?’ ‘Mom……mom……..mom…….’ When the Ex and me were together Sunday was recoup and movie day. Chicken day if we had extra money. We would be watching a movie and he would be asking me questions about what was going on. Seriously? I have watched what you have watched how can I know what is going on? I am not able to foresee what is coming.
T believes he is a comedian. He also thinks that I am funny. Was giving him the mom glare (not really) and he was giggling away. So I did it again. Was told to stop so Lucky would not get off his lap. Lucky has been driving me insane. Always on top of me. I bribed him not to move with getting him a drink of Pepsi. However I decided to do dishes so he had to get up and put away the other dishes. Lucky was not impressed at all with either of us.
T stood at the kitchen sink putting away clean ones as I am washing others. We talked. A lot.
He is not impressed with my reason for liking Canada. I asked him why? I mean I was born here pretty sure I like my country. Maybe not wanting to live in the coldest province in all of Canada but it is my country. He informs me that liking Canada because marijuanna has been legalized is not a reason to like it. Oh boy. Now I am in for it.
We had a discussion about marijuanna. We had a discussion about the fact he is telling his father things about me. He tells me dad does not care. I told him once more that like Vegas…..what happens in my home stays in my home…..what happens in his father’s home stays in his father’s home. He never tells me anything. What am I doing that makes me so interesting to T that he needs to tell his dad?????? Oh and I discovered that he is talking to his friends about us. LOL I mean to be expected right? Getting older and needs people to confide in who are not related to him.
It is funny how many unlearned traits T has. An unlearned trait is something that  is prevelant in your family but you never know how you began to do it. Mine was I use to punch the Ex in the arm when I was proven right/said something funny. He told me not to. Asked me not to. I had no idea where I got this weird thing I did. Until I stayed with mom and grandma when T was premature. Mom had come down asking if grandma had seen her black sheet. She could not find anywhere. Grandma starts to chortle. Says to mom ‘you mean the one you have hanging up to blackout light?’ and than she punched me. In the arm.
Now for T. We are sitting here chatting away when a car pulls up. Our parking spot is 2nd last and visitor parking comes next. We hear the tires crunching over the snow. He is off the couch in a flash and peeking out the blinds. I laughed so hard. Sent mom a message telling her about it. Asked who it reminded her of. First answer was Mrs. Kravitz from Bewitched. (Had to explain that to T) Her second response? Is it someone famous? Me staring incredulously at my phone wtf? Really????? I message back um no you and grandma. Mom came back with: ‘I know that! Uncle and Aunt do too!’ If you knew it why did you not say?????
I realize I have been all over the place here with T’s actions and comments. But truth be told were you sitting next to me on the couch or talking to me on the phone….this would be our conversation. One thing leads to another and while they all make sense in my mind maybe not yours.
Today has been a good day. T has hung with me. T has hung out with me. Really that is all that matters.
Addendum: I allowed T to game 1 hour with his friend tonight. 1 hour. At 3 minutes to the hour I reminded him. Bedroom door slammed shut. Replying to message realize it is 9:19 so I go to tell him to get off. I opened the door and said to him ‘T…..’ realized he was already watching Youtube. Told him I was proud of him for listening to me. He asked me to leave his room. I did after again telling him how proud of him I was. 🙂

I need to apologize…..

I need to apologize. For a couple of things.

  1. I have not had the same amount of time lately to get through all the blogs I am following and I feel horrible. I am very busy right now although I am not sure with what and am hoping that things will settle soon. Or I will win the lottery and be able to retire thus freeing up good reading time.
  2. Kristian over at  Tales from the mind of Kristian  nominated me for an award and I have yet to get around to it. Kristian I so appreciate and will get it done by Sunday at the latest.
  3. John over at The Eclectic Contrarian challenged me to write a poem/story based on a picture he shared. This also will be done by Sunday at the latest.

I try my best to read all of you. Some days it is not so easy. I have been a little lethargic and tend to be sleeping in more in the mornings. Part of me wonders if I am in a depression but I am happy. There is no voice in my head telling me no one cares, no one wants to hear my problems. There are no issues at work, I enjoy myself now and interacting with customers. But the small little concerned voice is suggesting that it might be so.

I think part of my problem is that I stay up to ensure that T goes to bed. And after interacting with people all day long, I am exhausted. There is a difference in my normal self and being relaxed chilling at home or with friends, and my work self. Not a one person would believe that I am actually an introvert. At the end of my 8 hours, I need silence. I need to recharge. I need to go to bed earlier.

Also I am dealing with a bit of heartbreak as everyone can see as they read. I fell in love and got burned. Badly. This was the first time that I had opened up to someone about everything about me, since leaving the ex in 2015. So another thing to apologize for is the lamenting brokenhearted poems. (I still am in love with him but that is another post. Maybe)

The one constant in my life, besides reading and catching up on the blogs I follow is my own writing. I have been writing a lot. On different themes. And I am wanting to organize. And eventually publish a collection. And I need to organize all my poetry from the blog. Idiot Jay didn’t bother/think of writing her poetry on Evernote and having a copy on file, did not start to happen until last year. So really I only have 2017’s posts/poetry to go through and I have made a start.

I am meandering all over the place here. As I do, I realize I am not depressed. My girl friends they all have been keeping close tabs on me. I talk to them every day. Even if it is just sending a GIF and they respond with another, they know how I am doing. I know that they would be banging down the door//phone if they thought that there was something wrong.

The being in love thing, that is on hold.

I am going to work really hard at getting myself back on track. By that I mean exercising and eating better. I have fallen off the wagon a little there and it is time to get back up on that horse. LOL I did not do that intentionally.

Thank you for taking  the time to read all my babbling. I bounced here and there covering the thoughts in my head. I will work hard to read at least one of your posts per day. I may not always comment but I am there. Lurking in the background, peering around corners, checking y’all out. . (As if that doesn’t give you the creeps.)

 

I am not a Killer

As I was showering Sunday morning I suddenly realized that I could never kill someone……and get away with it.
First off is that it is a crime. It comes with jail time. It comes with infamy. No thank you. And orange makes me look so sallow.
Than I would dither about how I would kill them. Do I use a knife? A gun? Rope? Hammer?
My poor victim would be staring at me in horror as I was trying to figure out which weapon I wanted to use.
Than do I want to be up close and personal or from a safe untainted with corruption spot elsewhere?
(This is how I will kill them-death by indecision.)
So I have gotten this far what comes next?
The clean up.
And you know you never ever get all the blood.
You would be crawling around on your knees, microscopic eye trying to detect the slightest spatter of human matter.
Clean up would have to be done with the black light and than you find out what else is all over that room. (Gross need I say more?)
Too talkative. I like to talk. I would be remembered.
‘Yes officer I am sure that is the one. She would not shut up for a minute.’
I would by and large leave enough DNA evidence it would be unbelievable. I shed copious amounts of hair.
As I watched my hair go down the drain I realized that I would need to get Drano or something soon.
Which lead me to than think about today’s word radioactive.
What if when I poured it down the drain a giant hairball came to life.
Than I thought I would get T to do it. However there is some law that says you cannot put children in danger. Not even if it is to fight off a radioactive hairball.
So there you have it. Why I could not commit murder and get away with it. But I am a writer mwahahahahaha I will kill you 100x on paper.

Heart & Soul

Today’s episode of ‘Let’s see if Jay can keep her cool…..’ is brought to you by…..me!

It has been awhile (okay a long time) since I have given an update as to what is going on with me and T.

The end of the year was difficult for T and I. We had a lot of rough mornings, yelling and screaming and that was just me. He ranted and cried and refused to leave the house. We have to find a balance for next year as I am just so unprepared to deal with this. As well, he is going to soon out weigh me so it will be harder to push him out the door. 🙂 The last time we battled, I ended up grabbing him by the back of the neck and frog marching him into the bathroom. Than dragged him out by his arm. All while he screamed ‘stop hurting me, you’re hurting me.’ This lead to a serious discussion on the way to school let me tell you.

Now for braggy mom to come out. T sailed onto Grade 5. With flying colors. My son is a mostly A student with a couple of B’s thrown in there. The subjects that were the lower grades, well not the ones that he found to be all that enjoyable. What I need to enforce this summer is reading so that he will be going into Grade 5 on par with his peers.

Me time, me time! I have been doing awesome. I am happy. I am confident. Yes, no doubt there are days when I have a little let down but they never last long. I am setting goals for myself and although I have yet to begin working on a single one, I have them. Work is going so amazing.

Stepping down absolutely was the best thing that I could have done. I am not the same person at all. The person who worried. Who controlled. Who followed all the rules. She is gone. I am responsible for T and myself. No one else. Nothing else. I am way more relaxed. I am making changes, ones that are good for me. Exercising. Eating well. I am not sure how it could get any better. Well I can but that is a long conversation for another time.

Now let us fast forward to today’s episode on ‘Can Jay keep her cool?’

First Act: Regular customer is getting ready to pay for his groceries. Pays the same way all the time. I told him the total and hit debit and told him to go ahead and insert. He looked at me sheepishly and said: I’m sorry, I stuck it in too early.’ I bit my tongue so hard to keep from laughing out loud.

Second Act: A lady stops in front of the counter. I ask her how I can help her. This is the following conversation.

‘How can I help you today?’

‘I want a ticket.’

‘What type of ticket are you wanting?’

‘A scratch ticket.’

‘What type of scratch ticket?’

‘I guess they are all scratch tickets aren’t they?’

I could only stand and stare at her.

‘I think I will take a crossword because I like words.’

Third Act: Phone is ringing and I answer it. I do my spiel ‘Thank you for calling blah blah blah blah. How may I help you?’

‘I need a price check.’

‘Okay, on what?’

***To save on space and too boring I will give a synopsis.***

The customer had been in our store and made a purchase for her neighbor of cream. Now when she got home, there was no cream. But she paid for it. And the cashier had given her back change. $15-16. I check with the cashier and no, cream was not left behind. Ask customer if she has her receipt and am told no.

‘M’aam, maybe you were not even charged for it.’

‘But I was. I gave her a $20 and she gave me back change. I just need to know the price so I can charge my neighbor.’

‘But you don’t have the cream?’ (Yes I realize none of my business.)

‘But I paid for it and now she needs to pay me back,’

I go and check for her and come back to phone.

‘$3.99.’

‘Good so $4.00 I will charge her.’

She than hung up. Did not even ask me how we were going to fix this. Was so intent on getting her price that the fact she did not have the product seemed to have flown out the window. I would have loved to be a fly on that wall.

‘Yes Doris? You owe me $4.00.’

‘Where’s my cream?’

‘Well it never made it home with me. You still owe me $4.00 though for the cream.’

And so on and so forth. Shaking my head.

Act Four: Answering the phone, giving my spiel and realizing that a) there was no one there and b) the phone had not even rung. Thank goodness I have a great sense of humor with myself and laughed hard.

These are the type of days I have. They make great fodder for the imagination. Today’s though, they were too special to keep to myself. I love talking to people, and while there are those who would prefer to remain silent, the majority like to talk. Which leads me to this gem.

I was checking through a little old lady. She was about 90/92 I believe, she did tell me so that is how I know that it was in the 90’s. We were chatting away and I was explaining to her that sometimes I talk so much (shocker there) that I am not aware of what I am doing.

Case in point: I was chatting away with my customer and trying to scan a product. I kept moving it back and forth and finally looked down to see why I was not getting a beep. Well, it only works when you scan it with the laser, not over the deactivator. The customer and I roared.

By the time I was done, my little old lady was laughing so hard. I handed her back her change and wished her a good day.

She said to me: ‘You are good for my heart and soul. Thank you for making me laugh today.’

And that folks is how I am leaving it. I am good for the heart and soul.