Pillow Head

Mirtazapine. Also known commenly as Remron. Used in conjunction with another anti-depressant to help to alleviate symptoms of major depression At least that was how it was explained to me. One takes it at bedtime as it is suppose to help you to sleep.
I have experience with Remron from 2003. The year after my first diagnosis.
During this time, the pills knocked me right out. I would take them and in 15 minutes be asleep and drooling. The Ex told me that attempting to wake me up was futile, I was comatose. I remember taking them for awhile but quitting. The dosage at that time was 45 mg.
I explained to the Psychaitrist and my counselor that I had previously been on the Remron and described my experience. Both felt that it was the dosage and the fact that I was also self-medicating as well way back when. They felt that it was safe enough because I was going to be on the smallest dosage of 7.5 mg.  Given how it had previously affected me, I wanted to experiment with the meds when T was not here. I was not comfortable thinking that something could happen and I would not awaken.
Saturday night I took it around 11ish. By 11:30 I was feeling groggy and having difficulty keeping my eyes open. Not so bad, it didn’t just swoop in and swamp me. I slept straight through the night. I woke up at 7 a.m. on Sunday and felt as though I had been drinking the night before. My head was full of stuffing, my mouth was dry, my teeth scuzzy. I stumbled into the living room, blinking my eyes, doing face contortions to try and awaken myself.
I thought that it was because it was the first day that I was feeling this way. I decided I would try one more time Sunday evening and after that I would call my counselor and tell him this was a no go.
Sunday afternoon I was feeling tired and out of sorts. Which is unusual for me. I went and laid down in my room and fell asleep. Was out for about an hour. When I woke up I felt like I had slept hours. My head was aching and again my mouth felt dry. Even Sunday evening I felt really off. I still took the pill willing to give it one more chance.
I again slept straight through awakening to the alarm at 6 a.m. Again, feeling as though I had been drinking the night before. Decided right than and there that I was not going to be taking this medication any more. I spent my day much as I did on Sunday, lethargic and I realized that my mood was not where it had been for the last 6 days. I was feeling down.
I could attest that to the fact that I was feeling out of sorts. That because I did not have my normal energy I was stressing a little. Not a lot, not panic like but stressing a bit. But I do not think so. And I did not want to write. My desire to read the blogs I follow was nonexistant. Again not like me at all. And I had been able to read but my interest again had waned.
I also had an hour and a half nap yesterday. Did not feel right. Called my counselor and left a message indicating that I would not be taking the Remron any longer. Which means that they might want to switch my Wellbutrin altogether. I am really leery about that because it does work for me. The fact that I am now having to take the highest dosage does indicate that I may be building up a tolerance to it.
This morning I woke up at 5:05 a.m. Actually Thomas woke me up tapping a claw into me to awaken the misterss so that she could feed me! Got up staggered to the bathroom and crawled back into bed. Did not fall back to sleep but did doze until the alarm went of at 6 a.m. I was not feeling as groggy as the previous two mornings but still did not have the same level of energy that I have been having. Also I was a little snappish with T. Annoyed because he would not even give the new cereal a chance.
I fell asleep after eating breakfast this morning.  I had done my workout when I got back from dropping T at school. But another wave of sleepiness rolled over me and I napped. Another hour and a half gone. And when I woke up my head felt stuffed with fluff again. I know that it is going to take a couple of days for the pills to be completely out of my system and I am drinking a lot of water.
What scares me is the drain on my energy and the fact my mood has gone down. How I have slipped back a little bit. I know that it is not going to last forever. I am still able to do the small things and am pushing through this bleak moment. And that is what it is, a bleak moment. I have tried the Remron again and it does not work. Groggy Jay is on the way out, and Energetic Feeling Good Jay will return. I just need to be patient.

I did it!

Yesterday was a huge success day for me.  I can acknowledge how far I have come now. And it is huge. I am doing the happy dance while sitting on the couch as I type this I am so excited.
I am a planner. Time and structure has a lot to do with it because I can than make sure that I am in control. Nothing can blindside me. T is much like me in this regard as was evidenced when he got mad at me because, wait for it, I did not wake him up at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning. Much pouting and anger were shown. Refusal to shower because he had to shower at 6. Within about 15 minutes, I was pretty tired of the #6 and a.m. Finally I looked at him and said: T, I understand that you are angry with me because I did not wake you up at 6. You are disappointed in me. I accept that but nothing is going to change the fact that I did not wake you up so please let us just move on from this.’
He was not happy with me at all. Whether he thought that if I fought with him I would yell and he could feel justified in his anger, or I really don’t know, but he glared at me his mouth pursed. I finally heard from M that they were up and told T that he needed to get ready. This was his sleepover day with his bff K. I think both boys live for these saturdays more than anything else. He stomped around here and snapped that he had no pants to put on. No socks. I went to the laundry basket and in seconds found what he was looking for. Than he tried to tell me that the socks I had brought him were mine.
I went out to the car and started it. I had not used it since Friday morning and it was -15 with a real feel of -26. Celsius. Came back into the house as T came out of the bathroom. A transformation had been performed. His hair was brushed. His teeth were brushed. He looked neat and tidy. He smelled good without it being overbearing. (He is 9 with an obsession for Axe) He looked at me and smiled sweetly. I awaited the angry boy to return but within seconds it was apparent that he had switched into sweet cherub mode.
We left the house at 9:26. Went to Mcdonald’s where T commented on the service. He is very bothered by what he views as a lack of service at the one Mcdonald’s we have in a city of over 15,000. I realized that the Hold button was flashing on the panel. This was not good. I told T that it was on and that we might have to make alternate arrangements. We were chatting away and I was okay when doing up to 80km/hour when I realized that the car was not shifting. We made it to Mitchell and pulled into the gas station parking lot.
I shot a text off to the Ex and than got out of the car to check fluids. I figured that I should make sure that the oil and transmission fluid were both alright and they were. I called M in a slight panic and told her what was going on. Wondered if she could come and pick T up and than I would drive out Sunday a.m. to pick him up. Except that the Ex had text back. He was up. And we could take the car to his place and he would scan it for me. I sent a quick text off to M saying to hold off I might still be able to drive T out.
Off we went to the Ex’s. T and me talking and listening as the engine is reving at 4000 rpm’s and I am cringing. I dropped back down to 80 in a 100 zone and tootled along. Got to the Ex’s and waited while he scanned the car. And it wasn’t working. I got into the backseat and text M to give her and update. T told Ex that he had not been to school all week. That he had been sick. And I projected my fear that the Ex was going to call my mothering skills into account, that I immediately listed off all of T’s symptoms. The Ex didn’t even say a word, and I realized it was me. I am T’s mother and I would know if he was scamming me. I can make these decisions without having to feel that it is wrong.
The Ex finally realized that he had the wrong ‘key’ for the scanner and retrieved the right one. Up came the code for Coolant Temperature Sensor. And when he cleared the code, the car shifted down and it was hoped that I could now drive without concern. I do need to call around and find the sensor and pricing but we were good to go. By now it is 10:30, the time that I had hoped that I was going to be dropping T off. Shot M a text and said we were off. And we were and the car shifted into overdrive. Wohoo, I told T (I Had already profusely thanked the Ex) to send his dad a text and tell him that he is the most awesome and again thank you. T says I already did before we left mom.
I was a little nervous at first but as the car continued to behave, I became a more and more confident. We were cruising along. I made the cloverleaf onto the perimeter coolly and calmly. Taking the cloverleaf off onto the #1 to head into M’s, it suddenly dawned on me. I had done it. Today I had been thrown a loop and I came through it without breaking down. I did it.
First my time line had been thrown off. I had it in my head that we would leave at 9:30, there by 10:30 back by 11:30. Finish cleaning the apartment by 12:30 and rest of time was my own to do what I wanted. Now I was an hour behind. I had gotten a little snappy when I again projected that T was going to blame me for the car failure. So I apologized to him. T looked at me incredulously and said mom you did not do this.’
Than I had called M to ask her come and get T rather than texting and fretting waiting for her to get back to me. Texting the Ex I had not expected that he would get back to me until later in the day. That he did and was willing to scan the car for me was an added bonus. The car acting up in the first place. Reading that one should not be shifting gears as it could damage the engine and hoping that mine was not about to blow up. That it is something easy to fix.
Before I would have been in a tailspin. My entire day would have been skewed because of all these things. Yesterday though, yes, there was a brief moment of accelerated heart rate, I was a little sweaty. I did not cry. I did not rage. I did not blame things on the unseen or think that the world was out to get me. I handled it. I had a plan and I followed through. And I cheered for myself.
I told T as we sat at the light and he said you know what mom, you are right. You did a great job.
And there we have it.
I did a great job. I took a huge step. I can see a difference and I am loving it.


I am a dweller. When I have been through a situation, I will look at it from every angle to see where I could have done better. And will still be looking at that same situation three weeks later. I go over and over it in my head. It is the same with conversations that I know are forthcoming.
One of the steps in my counselling is learning to be present. Be in the moment. Once a situation is done it is done. No amount of dwelling on it is going to make a difference. As for the future, I am unable to predict that let alone know what is going to be said and how I will respond. So I need to learn not to dwell. Something I have done my entire life.
Yesterday as I was getting ready for my appointments, I began to think ahead to when I return to work. What that is going to be like. How will…….and I stopped. I shoved my face into the water, felt it cascade over my skin. Felt my wet hair clinging to my shoulders. My hands on my face. And the inside voice began: ‘Jay you are stopping this. You do not know what is going to be said. This does you no good to think about it.’ and like that, it vanished. The thoughts lol, not the voice.
In the evening when my Ex dropped off bread and milk for us, he was pretty curt to me. Thrust the two items at me and left even as I was saying thank you. I put the milk and bread away and asked T what was wrong with his dad. I know I should not have. T had no idea. And he had been off on Sunday too. I began to dwell. Trying to imagine what I had done or said that had upset him.
After a little while of this I realized what I was doing and shot off a long message to K1 (BFF in the United States). I explained to her what was going on. And as I did, the need to justify or figure out what his deal was, was not mine to make. I am no longer responsible for him. I no longer need to be concerned when his nose is out of joint. I only need to be concerned about what  T and me are doing. And as I did, it vanished.
This morning while working out, I began to think ahead again. To what I do not know. I had the same conversation with myself. I am responsible for myself and my actions. I do not know what someone will say to me or do in any situation I may find myself in so why do I bother dwelling on it? That doing so is not good. And as I had this conversation I could feel the beads of sweat that threaded along my temple. My hair glued to my back. The wet spot on my tank top. And I came back to now.
There are some exceptions to the thinking ahead and that is when you are planning something. A holiday to Mexico. Your wedding. The birth of your child. Submitting your work to a magazine.  To look ahead and imagine what that future looks like is normal. And exciting. That is not dwelling.
I really am proud of myself. I use that word a lot don’t I? The truth is though, that I never have really been proud of myself. I lacked the confidence and really felt as though I was not deserving of my own pride. I use to think I took pride in doing a great job at work, but that is who I am. It is an ethic that is ingrained in me. I learned it from my mom.  I take pride in T and all that he has accomplished but did not feel proud that I have been instrumental in this development.
Now though, as the days and weeks go by and I am learning about myself, I am beginning to feel proud. Proud that I believe in myself and that I am worthy of everything I want. Within reason obviously, wanting a castle, a pet dragon and a King to sweep me off my feel although well deserved is not going to happen. 🙂 Proud that I have not self-medicated in almost 60 days. 2 more days.
I am learning that I am stronger than I ever thought that I was. That I can look at myself see what is needed to change and go for it. Yesterday, I was telling my counsellor how after trying to teach T ’80’s’ math I started to flip through the pages. The first 15 or so pages were about addiction. A poem that I was trying to write. In 2015. Even then I knew but I was not at the bottom yet. Had not reached the point where my self-loathing came with a price that I had to pay.
I am going day by day. I am sorry to all who read this I bounced around a little bit. I am a woman on a journey. A growth that is spiritual in my own way, creative, as a mother and friend. I have come a long way in 60 days from who I was.
“I am a woman with dreams that I am finally ready to persue. I am beginning to think that this is my evolution and I am awakening from hibernation.”-Me today to a friend about myself.

7.5=Perfection for Me

This morning as I am sitting here reviewing my week, I am proud of myself. I am also cautiously optimistic. I have now had 4 days of being good. As in my mood has been elevated. I have felt good. I have been laughing. And well I am doing things. I have cleaned the apartment 3 weeks in a row. 3 weeks I say that is amazing.
I had the music blaring, well not blaring because I have neighbors, but it was loudish. Have I mentioned that I downloaded Spotify to the Xbox so I can play it out of the t.v.? Oh yeah. Only issue I have is that it doesn’t pick up where I left off when I close it down. It does on the computer but that is life right? So I was dancing around the apartment, singing to myself having a great time. I opened the blinds all the way and sunlight was streaming in. My beautiful babies were thrilled to feel the sunlight on their leaves.
I threw the blankets in the dryer and figured that I would jump in the shower before doing the last load of laundry. And I mean the last load. I have been doing laundry almost every day this week so I was pretty much done. I only had the floors left to wash when out of the corner of my eye espied the laundry basket and thought to myself ‘Oh yeah I need to put that load in.’
Laundry is going and I am filling the sink so I can wash the floors when it suddenly hits me. The reason I had not thrown the last load in was so I could shower. And I had done a hot wash on the blankets and now a warm wash with this last load. Smacked myself in the head and laughed. Seriously only I would do this. Washed the floors and sat down. The apartment smelled nice and fresh. My laundry was about finished. The bed was made. It was awesome.
Also, there have been multiple outings. Monday I only went next door to the gas station but as it had been a ‘down’ day this was big. Tuesday I made myself go into work for some groceries. And I talked to fellow co-workers. On my own. Wednesday was ‘Meet the Psychiatrist’ day. I did really well, not bursting into tears or anything, but once I was in the car I burst into tears. Sobbed all the way home.
Thursday was a good day. Friday after dropping T off at school I went to work to get a few items for myself and for the school week. I only had a few twinges and did not have to give myself a pep talk to go in.
Friday V and her son came for coffee. Well as he is 3, he had a juice box. It was so much fun. We laughed and talked. Her son finally warmed up to me and even sat on my lap for a while. When he wanted my attention he shouted ‘auntie, auntie’ until I responded. And when they left I did not feel tired. I was energized.
So as I sat here yesterday, realizing that I needed a few things, I figured I would shoot Auntie K a text and see if she was up to an outing. And she was. I did have a mission. I was on the hunt for my Sandalwood incense. Not sure if everyone is aware of my obsession for Sandalwood scent. I love it. And was most dismayed that Wal mart was no longer carrying them. And all my other go to places were no longer selling them I was devestated.
Decided that I wanted to check Only Deals and see if they might have them. OMG I was so thrilled they had them. And lots of them. Despite them being $2.99 + tax I bought 4 packages. As an aside when I got home I lit three of them and had them in their holders before I even had taken my jacket off. Than we went off to Red Apple where well not as discounted as they say. Needed laundry pods but I only use Sunlight. So we went off to Canadian Tire who does not carry Sunlight laundry pods which entailed a visit to Wal-mart.
We meandered. And dreamed. Looked at the summer patio furniture. Talked and laughed. Did I buy a few things that maybe I should not have. Weekly deep treatment for frizzy hair. Which I have in spades. The small package of powdered donuts, again maybe not necessary but damn they were good. The entire package was eaten. Did I maybe spend a little more than I should, yes. Was it a great afternoon of fun with Auntie K? Damn right it was.
I had a great idea for a short story on my way home. Have written only the first line but it is percolating.
I also have had a realization.
I am not going to worry about what ifs. As in what if I have good mood for a week but than have a not good day. What if I have a couple of consecutive not good days? It is alright. The amount of time that I spend in the not good days, is becoming less. I am getting stronger. And while I do not wallow, as long as I do the small tasks that I set for myself to achieve every day, I feel accomplished and let the emotions ride. I am going to enjoy the mood I am in right now, enjoy this moment.
I still have not been able to read. The day will come when I can. Until than, I am not going to worry about it.
I am extremely proud of what I have done this week. I cared for myself. I was able to deal with a difficult situation, that is, talking about myself, without falling apart. All in all, I would give this week a solid 7.5 and that is perfect for me. 🙂


  1. a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify.
T and me we had a great time throughout the week last week. Towards the end I had a few moments of irritability with him. I was annoyed with myself that I reacted to him the way that I did but not overly harsh.
Monday as I drove to pick T up from school I realized that I am sick of always being afraid. When did this happen to me? I don’t expect to be fearless as that is just not me, but this fearful person is not me either.
Tuesday I received a call that my insurance paperwork for the bank was filled out and I could go and pick it up. Well this began a comedy of not so funny laughs. The clinic tried to charge me for the paperwork twice. Thank goodness as I was going over it I realized or I would have overpaid. Than came the trek to the bank. Later I received a call from the clinic that they needed the paperwork back to make copies. Bank could fax if willing. Spent the better part of 3 hours going back and forth until I threw my hands up in despair went back to the bank picked up the paperwork and went to the clinic. The bank made me a photocopy of the papers needed so at least I did not have to go back.
Wednesday was my second counselling session. I have detailed that in another blog. Also on this day I found out the T believes that I am scared of everything. So my efforts to not have my fears infect him has failed. Well not failed, but I need to be more cognitive of how I talk to him.
Friday evening I drove to pick up T’s best friend for a sleepover. I had to do a loop da loop off the highway (cloverleaf) and I hate the things. There were people in front of and behind me trying to get to the loop da loop onto the highway as well as the traffic continuing into Headingly. I did it but my heart rate accelerated, I was sweating and sure that T and me were going to die.
On Saturday, I dropped T’s friend off at a birthday party and he and I went to Wal-mart. We had a great time walking throughout the store, getting the items we needed and browsing. I chatted with the cashier and was a real person. Not the mumbling zombie who interacts with the bare minimum. Stopped and got cat food. More interaction. Mcdonald’s and even more interaction.
Sunday T and me hung out until his dad arrived to pick him up. We had a great time. Laughed a lot. I have created a Tisms file and am going to start writing down things that we do that are funny or serious for us to look back on. T thinks that it will be cool as a teenager to look back and see how he thought as a kid. I was good for the evening after T left.
Than came monday. And the malaise hit. I exercised. I ate. I did laundry. I did dishes. I did not fold the laundry. I did not remake my bed after washing the sheets. The clean laundry on my bed ended up on the floor. I did go out for a brief moment to the post box and Co-op for a bag of chips. And by 3 p.m. I was exhausted. Wanted to nap but forced myself to stay awake. I ate very little for dinner. T arrived at 9 and we talked for a bit.
Although it is only 7:32 a.m. I am already trying to minimize my exposure to the outside world. And that is when it hit me. I feel malaised.
Now first off I love the word and we do not use it often enough. Secondly as I am pushing my way through this fog that I have found myself in, I am comforted knowing that it is not going to last forever. I am not wallowing in self-pity or hatred, I feel blah but am able to ride that out without falling into a sobbing mess. Thirdly, I am able to mark the decline. I can see where I am falling off and how to rectify the situation.
I  had a lot of external interaction last week. And because of that I have taken a couple of backward steps. But I am still stronger. For I have recognized what is happening with me and know that it will end.


I have struggled with the concept of affirmations. I have to admit that I feel silly standing in front of my mirror and talking to myself. I have devised another way of doing them. When I wake up, before getting out of bed, I will lay here (this is going to be what I do) and I will repeat my affirmations to myself. And than stretch and up to start the day.

Today I finally found my affirmations.

  1. I am a wonderful woman
  2. I am a kick ass mom
  3. I am beautiful
  4. I am strong.
  5. I am confident
  6. I have got this

Tomorrow after dropping T off at school, I am going to our local Staples and I am going to get me some really pretty paper. Or to Dollarama and get a poster board, come home and make up my affirmations poster. T has a ton of coloring stuff, and than I am going to hang it……somewhere where I will always see it.