Good Bye Baby

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Screaming. In my head. My voice.
How the fuck could I have done this? I have no recollection. Suddenly people were screaming at me to stop and the baby was missing…..I only had a couple oh my god what have I done?
They are going to take her from me. I know it. I did not mean to do it. I put down the car seat put the beer on the backseat heard something turned away and……oh my god how could I have forgotten that I  had put her down on the pavement. Tears fill my eyes. How am I going to live with myself? I nearly please let it only be nearly killed my beautiful baby girl. Fuck……
They think that I don’t see I don’t hear them whispering. Cunt mother drunk drugged up forgot her baby girl was in the car seat behind her vehicle. Thank goodness the stupid bitch was so hammered she didn’t hurt the baby at all. Voices ripping into me. Eyes slashing daggers pull into myself there will never be enough rage throughout the world scourging me as I scourge myself. Rub raw bleeding wounds oh god I cannot believe that I have done this.
Don’t take her from me please. Wrists now bound. Screams baby wanting her mother I try so hard to be good but it is not easy. They all know I am going to fail they tell me so. Maybe it is better this way……
Time to say good bye. Heart breaking watch parents carry her away at least family will have her I will not be a total stranger papers in front of me signed. Lean head back tears slip slowly from lidded eyes pain so intense I feel nothing.
Late last evening the body of 29 year old Laverna Moore was found in the back of Shamrock’s Bar. Police have given a preliminary cause of death as accidental overdose. Most of our viewers will remember Laverna from last month when she nearly drove over her daughter while high……In other news……
Jan. 12/20
Picture via Pinterest

Split Second

I wonder did you look back as you walked away? I know that you did not. I know for I stood at the living room window hidden behind the drapes. You would have seen the shadow of me peeking after you. My heart shattered. Trite I know but at my feet lay a thousand pieces. How could you leave? How could you go? I thought you loved me. I thought you cared.With wicked disregard you tore my life apart. I was a fool. Always have been you sneered at me. 
Multiple women in our bed. Vicious beating when supper was late. Lived with fear clothed in a lie of love now stripped bare. Clouds suddenly parting as I saw the vile man that you are. Mean. Little. Spittle spewing as you scream at me. Hair plucked from head standing on end cocking my head I look at you. Strange how you went from the love of my life to the object of my hatred in the blink of an eye. Scales pulled ripped off like scabs. Brutal pain spears through the heart and then a sting of stupidity a flash of hatred for my own self that I had fallen so far.
Began as a flatterer a wooer of love. Whispers in my ears of what a beautiful girl and I allowed you to fill my sight. I never noticed when my friends fell away as you became my entire being. Once alone isolated your began a campaign of terror that would last this entire time. Captive in my own home. Afraid to risk being seen going to the far side of town to shop. Hiding my face with make up and hats that did nothing to camouflage the bruises old and new. Multiple broken arms and wrists. A few head traumas. All enough to weaken me further to ensure that I would remain at your side……your very own live punching bag for when life became too much. 
I saw the light beckoning as you walked away. That is how I knew. That you never looked back as you entered death.
I gazed upon your bloody face. An expression of surprise. Eyes wide open. Caught as you roared how dare you who do you…..thunk
I have called the police.
Best put on the coffee it is going to be a long night. 

Jan. 7/20

Part One (Of What am Unsure)

She sank beneath the bubbles. Drunk on rum numbed feeling nothing. This was life. This was lie. Eyes half lidded inhaling lavender scent relaxed no one would hurt her here. It had been promised. This was a safe zone. No man could touch her without permission. Her permission. Narrowed squinting seeing which did she want to warm her bed tonight. Licking purpled lips forked tongue speak with ill intent.
They came for her in the darkness. Shadow men pulling her from her bed. Mouth sealed screams choked scratches upon their chests. Grit teeth. Pull forth from that nightmare no longer allowing any to rule her days. Her nights. Shudder sit upright nightlight shines upon the pillow bathing her with warm light. Lay back head on pillow deep breath in tears leak from sleepy eyes cold witness to damage done her him as child……
Cinnamon scented air…..hazed gaze lips ruby red place hand upon breast swear not to hurt her again so they always say. Locked in nightmares. Has no way forward. There is never a way backward. Lost cesspool bottomless drug deadened eyes helpless raggedy ann drool upon lip please whisper for freedom desperate measures howl with silent despair. Memories eclipse pain……pain deadens memories……unfaced……unwanted……
Howl at the moon. Full blood red no one can fool the riot. Lupine sleek flow with shadows stand tall against evil backdrop of stone onyx protector befouled rumored rogue silvered blade licked steel. Kneel before you my queen hear me in the depths of your angst your pleas for death overridden I serve I swear awaken. Pulled forth to now to never eyes widen with pain with success blooded knees a cross to be borne.
Jan. 4 2020

Here or There

The water was warm. Too warm. Sun baked. No one knew she was out here.
 
Laying on her back. Staring up at the night sky. Rounded…..amazed always by the sphere that was Earth. Looked above. All those glowing pretty rocks. Wish here. Wish there. Wish everywhere. The Percocet she had taken mellowed her out. Deep breath in…….sigh it out…..there was no protection. Floating…..dead man’s float so ironic…..so easy to ignore the pain here. To pretend nothing was wrong.
 
Vast void. Within. It felt as though she was free falling. Tumbling over and over. Did it ever end? Screams of pain rage anguish unheard by the world. With head under water holding breath liquid silk over face panic breath gasped sit upright how does she go on?
 
Fire light on the shore. Beckoning warmth. Laughter voices of friends float out to her. Sitting letting water move her weightless body this way that way. Wood scented air memory scratching at the surface unexpected pain dive beneath the water come up deep breath dive below again. Toes barely touching pushing hair back from face she spots the shooting star. Spectacular trail of golden dust make a wish deep breath in death breath out…..
 
Phantom…..spectre…..hovering on the outskirts of life…..pain encompasses all how to trust when trust was not something afforded but torn away…..
 
Tears shed meld with water lapping around her head. She stares at the moon above. Lighting a pathway. Only she can decide…..live……or……
 
©Jan. 4 2020
Picture is my own

Eyes Wide Open

I stood behind her in the check out line. Peering. There was something about her. Vaguely familiar. Her jacket open with another underneath. To keep her warm? Why did she not just zip up the outer one? Her scent a mix of vanilla and lavender. She was pretty in a sweet way. The wife was nattering in my ear. I paid her half attention wondering about the young woman in front of us. Ran a critical eye over her purchases. Eggs. Pepsi. Pizza. Hmmmmmmmmm…….
I eyed the groceries I had piled on the belt. ‘Hey the first few items are the must haves…..after that we will see’……Nervously I watched the total add up. I had received an unexpected boon today which allowed me to shop for some items to tide us over until payday. Princess looked at me eyebrows furrowed in question. ‘Kay the pizzas. Cream.’ She looks over at me and pointedly at the pepsi I am buying. It came down to personal items (toothpaste/shampoo/vitamins etc) or extras for the kids lunches. Princess flippantly looks over items and in a throw away voice ‘healthy or beauty?’ I cringed having to say this. Furtively I glanced at the customer behind me. Hoping he would not recognize me. ‘Bars. Buy one get one at least have snack for first part of week.’
I zoned in suddenly. Caught the end of the conversation. That voice. Took a moment to cycle through and realized it was our regular cashier. Always cheerful. Smile on her lips. Asked after the family. Teased and laughed with me.Not someone I would have thought would have to make such a decision. I guess I had never really thought about what it must be like for her outside of the service she provided for me. For my wife. My family. Her cheeks reddened as she peeped from beneath shawl of hair. Realized she was checking to see if I had recognized her. Turned away and pretended that I was listening to the wife.
Oh thank goodness he did not recognize me. Benefit of having such long hair. When it is down most do not see me. Princess handed me the bars and I bagged them. Handed her my rewards card hoping there was something I could redeem. Add at least one of the extras but not yet. Shrugged and paid. Ducked my head so that my hair fell forward covering my face. Beyond Princess no one realized I had been there. I calculated what I had spent and yeah so the pepsi is not a must have but a little something as a treat. Not only for me.
I watched as she walked away. Saw her head swiveling subtly back and forth eyes gauging cataloging the people around her. She did not acknowledge anyone with raised voice or hand. She moved quickly neatly between the people blocking her exit. Realizing as she zipped through none saw her a ghost within their midst.
Thank god I got out without anyone seeing me. Hard to explain how money is something you need to count to the penny. Proud asking for no help because you can do it. And it is no one’s business learn to live in your means tighten your belt voice roaring in your head bow beneath the onslaught. Load the groceries into the back of the car pushing the cart back to the pick up area brace self against the sudden gust of rain washing over me baptismal flood slid behind the wheel. Windows fogged as I steam.
I watched standing at the cart corral as she puts her car into drive pulling into traffic. What I was seeing did not reconcile with the picture I had of her. Granted I only thought of her for the maybe 10 minutes a week I saw her. Never beyond but this is not what I had imagined. Kinda like a cartoon that does not end just because the scene has. Suddenly confronted with the bias of my thoughts. Middle class as they were. Laughing because I had been so sure she was middle class too.
I saw him standing watching as I pulled from my parking space. Rain dousing him until he became a blob in the rear view mirror. He knew now. How was I ever to meet his eyes? Poverty is not a sin…..yet we still feel as though it is. 
Jan. 3 2020
Picture via Pinterest

Runaway

She sat lank hair falling into her face smelling of body odor and cigarette smoke. All she wanted to do was go home. She was so tired. She wanted a shower. She wanted her life to return to her. She did not like the person inside of her. Raging black beast with fear as a companion. She watched as other social workers left and still her mom did not arrive. When finally mom did she could not look at her. Did not want to see the anger. The disappointment that surely was etched in deep lines across her mom’s pursed lips. A single tear fell a small bit of moisture she rubbed into her jeans.
When had her life become so shit? No matter how hard she tried to remember there seemed to be no defining moment. No time she could put her finger to calendar and exclaim ‘aha it was June 3 1986 at three p.m. that my life turned to shit.’ Wishful thinking. There was nothing. One day there was this sense of dread deep within. A horror. A need to not be awake. Not alive. It was becoming overwhelming. It was just so much easier to ignore the warning signs that were knocking at the door. Had been knocking for awhile.
How could she explain? How could she tell her mom the horror she found herself in. A part played and played well. Once she mentioned something but when questions arose buried her face in a book easy escape.
That sense of horror. It builds and builds exploding with vicious words. Tried to banish the darkening thoughts in her mind by writing them out. Death was her constant companion. Her constant desire. Need. However blessed or cursed with an imagination that defied her…..she had been able to imagine herself in a coffin while her mother and sister looked down at her. The abject sorrow upon their faces and whispered ‘whys?’ were enough to convince her to write out her deadly dreams. And truth be told, it hurt like a son of a bitch and pain was not something she could handle.
She watched the second hand sweep around the clock. Saw the minute hand tick off each 60 second. 15 minutes passed before her mom appeared before her. Looking up all she saw was anger. Sever disappointment etched deep lines around pursed lips. There was no love. No sympathy. Seen through the eyes of a child long feeling forgotten.
‘I do not want to do this. You have left me with no choice. As of now…..I am giving up custody of you for a year.’
Shocked all she could do was stare at her mom. This was not happening. It could not be happening. Her mom leaving her behind. Once more she had sought safety, had reached out to be rebuffed. Tears filled her grey eyes, threatening to overflow as she reached out to her mom. Voice lost in the thickness of pain…..of rejection…..of love and need.
‘Mom please. I will be good. I promise. Please don’t leave me.’
Her mom walked out the door. As it closed behind her she leaned against the wall, hand to mouth to muffle the scream of pain that was trying to erupt. Never had she felt so useless as a mother. So incapable of caring for this child of hers. Long passed the time of hugs and kisses to skinned knees. Walking away shakily this was a defining moment. Scored in pain.
Jan. 2/20

Darwin

Photo by Ali Yahya on Unsplash

***I wrote this back in April and than put it away after sharing with K & DD. Decided to dust it off and put it here for you to read.***

I lay chained to the bed, hungry, thirsty,

This room is disgusting. The bed I was laying on had not seen clean sheets in about a hundred years. Dust bunnies rolled around the floor with the slightest breeze. I had been left to stew in my own juices. Literally. I had not been allowed to go to the bathroom. The first time that I wet myself, I was humiliated. I had tried to hold it for as long as I could. But the pressure had become too much and I peed.

I heard the door open and turned my head as far as the collar allowed me to. My hair was greasy, lank and fell across my face. It took him ten steps to cross the room from the door. I know because I have counted those steps time and time again. He sat on the edge of the bed causing it to dip. And sighed.

“Shaene why must you defy me? This would be so much easier if you would listen to me. I would put you out of your misery. Rather than you laying here, degraded, less than an animal.”

I was not the hot house flower he took me to be. I knew that if I spoke to him, if I begged him or pleaded with him to let me go, the torture would begin. When I had first awoken, groggy and head throbbing from the drug Darwin had used to sedate me, I had screamed myself hoarse. Darwin had stood over top of me, eyes gleaming as he had drawn the knife across my breast.

The cut had burned like it was on fire. Later I would learn that he coated his blade with kerosene to make it more painful. But that was later. I screamed as lightning flared in my breast bucking on the bed, trying to get away. When the drug cleared my system I realized it was futile. I was chained and collared.

I  quickly learned that Darwin needed  to hear me scream, to hear me beg. When I did not it  dampened his desire to kill. If I did not respond to his slashes and pinches and pricks he would become frustrated. I went away during those times, hiding in the deep recesses of my mind. I am very very good at that.

“Shaene what would make you succumb to me? What is going to make you give me the pleasure that I need?”

Darwin was a handsome man. 6’3” tall. Shaggy blonde hair. Piercing blue eyes that sucked you in. Made you lose yourself in them. His voice was a warm southern drawl that I had melted to when I listened to him speak. Now though it was not so melty making, more like I was getting really annoyed.

“When are you going to feed me? I am getting a little hungry here.” my voice was cold, flat.

“When are you going to beg me to release you?” I heard the frustration in his voice.

“I am not. Do you still have my cell phone?”

“Yes, it is useless though, I turned it off before we got here. No one is going to ride to your rescue.”

“I am not expecting anyone to. I just thought that maybe you could order me dinner from one of my favorite restaurants.”

My head rocked from the force of his blow. I bit my lip, blood flooding my mouth, The collar rubbed against the abrasion that was forming. I bit my lip harder, drawing the blood into my mouth and swallowing it. I breathed once, twice and a third time to still my wildly beating heart.

“I brought you water. No food, water only.”

“You aren’t so sexy any more Darwin, now that I can see the monster behind the mask.”

“Most of my girls have not lasted this long. And Shaene you will break. I will have you screaming and begging for release.”

He held the straw to my lips, and I sucked in as many sips as I could before he stood to walk away. I knew that he stood in the doorway, staring at my body. His desire arose from the designs he wanted to draw on me. With a knife. Dipped in kerosene.

I have been here for three days. Laying in my filth. Smelling my unwashed body and urine. Stale, and greasy with fear. I swallowed it when Darwin was around because it would send him spiraling, Reality was, even though I went away when he began to ply his little tricks, I knew that soon I would give out. And when I did, I would be dead. After he played his games with me.

The windows were covered with plywood. No nosy neighbors who would accidentally look in and see me. I had tried to pull my wrists free from the shackles that held them, to no avail. I could do nothing but lay there. Waiting. And waiting some more.

I could see the room begin to shift shades. From black to a slightly less dark shade of black. Morning was dawning which meant that this was day 4 of captivity for me. I was getting just a little annoyed when I heard the keys scrape into the lock.

The door flew open and I heard a gasp.

“Shaene?”

“Where the hell have you been? Seriously?”

The fetters were released and I swung my legs over the side of the bed. The room spun dizzily and Matti put her arm around me. She recoiled slightly from the smell of me but as my best friend, she kept her body close to mine in reassurance.

“Where is he?”

“Laid out in the living room. I zapped him with the cattle prod. Twice that should keep him down for a bit. Or at least until we get him in the car. Than the shot.”

“Awesome. Where the hell are my clothes? And is there a working shower in this pit?”

Fifteen minutes later Matti and me were in the car. I was freshly showered shoveling the donuts she had brought me into my mouth. The smell of coffee brought tears to my eyes and I swiftly drank some down. Darwin made a little noise and Matti jabbed him with the sedative. It had taken both of us to maneuver him into the wheelchair and over the ragged grass. Both of us thankful for those classes we had taken at the gym.

*********************************************************************************When Darwin opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was my face. His arms were pulled tight above his head. His legs spread wide and shackled with chains. I was much nicer than he had been, I did not collar him. At least not yet.

As he groggily came to, his eyes widened in surprise and he stared at me dumbfounded.

“Hello Darwin, now it is time for us to play.”