Hello…..

Hello…..
is it me you are looking for?
Lionel 
is that you?
High
low
searching
wondering
can I?
will I?….. 
find you
looking in the cupboard
one
two
shit
down to the last roll.
I stalk the streets
heeding whispers
listening to rumors
on the hunt
on the look out
for that elusive creature
the one that keeps me clean
oh my
Toilet Paper
when did you become god
when did I need to reserve
just a roll
to ensure
I had what I need
when in need.
(Grandma…..
lesson learned
going forward
toilet paper shall be bought 
on sale 
never ending
so again 
never shall I face this plight)
Oh my
it makes me giggle
it makes me laugh
look at me with disdain
I do not care
last I checked
this ain’t no ass illness…..
respiratory.
Lungs.
Lungs people.
‘Dem t’ings y’all breath through.
(sad
 sad
rhyme
sad
sad
accent
I hear it better than I speak it
smile)
Never
not in a million years
trite as that statement may be
did I ever think
that toilet paper
would become more sought after than gold
that limits would have to be imposed
but:
can you spare a square?
Just one square?
Homage to Lionel….
Homage to Seinfeld….. 
Please do not sue me
Please….. 
Cease and Desist……
much better….. 
cause 0% of 0%…..
well……
it equals 0%…..
unless you do the new math
than it could mean anything. 
©April 10/20
Picture is my own

Sheriff John

Anyone who takes a gander at the comments know that John over at The Eclectic Contrarian and me tend to banter back and forth. We have been known to suck people into reading all 100 or more comments (LMAO) leading them into a dark abyss where they finally realize they read all our comments. We were joking around and he said I should write a poem about him. A mountain man. So I did. I am hoping that you will find this as funny as I did. And I had such a blast writing it.

Peeking through knitted lace
Watching
Wondering
Thoughts filling her mind.
What evil awaits?
What crime would be committed?
Should she venture out there?
Timid by nature 
Afraid to be
One day a man came to rescue her.
Big and brave
Tall as the mountain
Shaggy like a bear.
Carried a massive axe
Upon his back
In case any trees step in his way.
Vibrant and funny
His word to become law
As he cleared the evil world.
Like thick hickory coffee
Strong
Comforting 
Warm
He spoke with eloquence 
That made the girls swoon.
‘Sherriff John is such a dream.’
Soft giggles
Follow always behind
As he keeps the mountain lair
Safe from all crime.
Alas though there was one
His sister be
She did not think him great all.
When he came home
She snipped……
‘You forgot to feed the goat!’
 
March 6/19
Photo by Daniel Horvath on Unsplash