Decision

Memories
flood
all I have left
better times
not laced with tears
fears
deception.
I still want you.
I miss you.
I know my worth.
Yet you…
you bring me to my knees.
I would do anything
to feel your lips
your arms
your body pressed to mine.
Friends
stare
incredulous
what the hell?
How can I forget?
How can I not know myself?
Taken by the shoulders
shaken
slap me upside the head
voices battering….
me?
Shutting down.
Wrapped in the corner
arms around
face shuttered
hidden
black shadows dancing
howling
let me hide under the bed.
I want to be.
I want to live.
I want to decide
Do I live?
Do I die?
How do I make this hurt disappear?
Stepping back
find the boundary
set the stakes
you want me
come
crawl
beg
still not sure I should not forgive.
I need to think
I need to decide
another chance
or do I say good-bye?
December 6/18
Picture is my own taken Summer of 2017
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Thank You

Battered my shields
rent free
creating a gap to crawl through.
I tried to keep you out.
Scars ripped anew
promises made
no one will hurt you
whispered in my ear
as fear paralyzed my body.
I cannot believe.
You wore me down
demanded that you know all
swore to me
were I to open up
you would not leave
as all the others did.
I opened up.
I gave you my history.
My dreams.
My nightmares.
I laid my soul bare.
I trusted
despite that voice.
The one screaming at me.
Telling me
you were laughing.
All I was…..
a joke.
Woked the hell up
sin danced before
paraded
no love lost
for no love was had
only convenience.
How could you do this?
I am not strong.
I am no Valkyrie.
I am a broken woman.
Pieces scattered
always one missing
never whole
shattered glass
broken hearts
why did I let you in?
Let you open that door
make me feel
make me dance
only to rip the rug out
from beneath my feet.
Spinning
spanning
tell all the tales you need
to assuage your guilt
even as you scream at me.
Demanding I beg
forgiveness
yours to give.
Ummmmmm……..
Well now…..
I am sure
that I had not hand in this.
I did not guide you into her.
I did not stand there
waving a whip.
‘Should ye not perform
I shall strike thee
with this cat o’nines.’
Self deprication.
It tis myself
I should be flaying
for having fallen for gilded tongue.
This blackened carcass
yours to feast upon.
My heart
melts in your mouth
tainting smooth words
no one shall listen.
All they will hear
is my desolate moan
crying out
realizing that the words
not the actions were true.
Fuck you.
Fool
I am
am I.
No one to blame.
My romantic heart
re-locked
re-caged
steel reinforced
wire wrapped around
never to be loosed again.
Thank you for that.
December 1/18
Picture is mine taken Summer of 2017

Dream of Me

Tears
no longer falling.
Rage
erupting
flowing like lava
more
more
more
until
explosion.
I scare you.
Maybe someone should.
Cocky are you
believing all should bow
take hold of your robe
carry forth the crown.
Fattened calf 
lead to the altar.
Mistakes made
gritted teeth
realizing
discovering
sighing breath.
Stooge
not of the three
only of self.
Curling in
will not show
how much I hurt.
Standing on the abyss
ready to jump.
Currents rise
diving in
cradled
safe
watching from above
as ravens tear into you.
Your form.
Your lies.
Your ego.
Deflated
depressed
drained
made to pay.
I am not a simple girl.
I am a woman
strong
independent
courageous
never again
to fall to my knees…..
docile & powerless.
Worth I know
forgotten for a bit
screw you dude
too bad
’cause
I am that bad bitch.
The one
who haunts your dreams at night.
November 23/18

Bruised

**Adult Subject Matter. Not indicative of anything I am going through right now.***
Bruised.
Molted yellow
garish brown
had to tell others
it was okay
I was fine.
Lied. 
Said I tripped on the stairs
cannot see at night
walked into that door
am a klutz
of the third degree.
No abuse here officer….
please leave.
Bleeding lip
eyes shaded with sadness
no escape
his way
or
no way.
I feel it.
His fist smashes
breaking cheek
nose
teeth shattering
moaning
pain engulfing.
Awaken.
Held in his arms
scalding tears
waterfall
scorching my skin.
He promises this is the last time..
I know the truth.
He will kill me.
November 24/18

No F**KS (Or Prince Charming is Missing)

Broken
standing upon shifting sands
crystal tears
soaked within the parched ground
while I try….
try so hard
to figure out
understand
what I did
to get fucked like this?
Forever
it seems to me
that one iota of happiness
must be torn away
that I am not allowed
to have good things
happen in my life.
I want love.
I want home.
I want a man who
understands
supports
is proud of me.
My Prince Charming
I am pretty sure he is dead
ain’t no man
riding to my rescue
ready to climb my hair.
No one who wants to break bricks
chisel at the mortar
it is time for me to ascertain
that I am the problem
not the solution.
Too needy.
Too clingy.
Too loving…..
too much for so many people.
If you find my Prince Charming
should he ask for directions to my house
please point him
away from me
cause I can no longer give a fuck.
November 20/18

Ashes

The taste of ashes
on my tongue
my heart
shattered by cruelty
my mind knows not where to go
except that the pain I feel
is now a part of me
it cannot be undone.
Walked into my world
stole my breath
my desire
made the ice around thaw
I melted.
You gave to me so much
is that the problem?
Do I scare you?
Do I make you want to run?
It seems that I have a talent for that.
Promises made
promises broken
feel the fool do I.
What was sworn
pledged
turned to tatters
in less than a heartbeat.
How do I trust again?
How can I look at you
without seeing
feeling
the betrayal?
Cold
so cold am I
my heart
recaged
never will I love again.
November 16/18

Fairy Tale

I do not understand.
You have changed me.
Changed my thoughts
my wants
my everything.
Pushing
pulling
encouraging
I have begun to dream
a dream that I never thought was meant for me.
You are no prince
I am definitely no princess.
Flawed
we flow together
melding of minds
emotions
understanding
at the basest level.
Not one of intellect
but
one based on…
souls calling to one another
bleeding
bare
laid their secrets.
Bodies fit together
made for each other
not a space between
as they lay
content
alive
in love.
When I was little
I had an idea of
fairy tale love.
As I grew 
I knew it was an illusion…
until 
I met you. 
Fairy Tales 
do exist for the broken.
November 16/18
Photo by Jackson Hendry on Unsplash