20/20

Looking back
it is easy to see
as they say
hindsight is 20/20.
I delighted in fire
flame
burning debris
still wonder
how I did not burn that place down?
Vicious words
pelting down
tearing
rending
piercing
exposed flesh.
I need time
time to adjust
to come to terms
with yet another aspect
of my past
my history.
Rage
inferior
tagged to be little
never was I important enough.
Looking back
I can finally see
veil torn from my eyes
the monster before me.
There was no love.
There was no pride in me.
I was superfluous
an afterthought
a child weaned on fear
disgrace
disregard
left to herself
her own care.
Heart torn
rent
beaten flat
left to defend
shield
armor myself
for yet another blow
another hit
another hurricane
blowing me apart.
Sept. 25/18
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Spirits

Crimson lips
dipped in poison
whisper pious words.
Head bent forward
prayer of supplication
no need to fear.
Cross to bear
my own.
Hatred to shed
yours.
Unsure if I am able to go forward
without the abuse of your dead.
Walking amongst the forgotten
fingers trailing
whisping frost
disintergrating
from my warm touch.
Each spirit I stroke
echoes  a plea
‘let me go’.
I look to release them
from this plane.
Forgiveness is not required.
I see thickened strands
black shadows
acting as shackles
keeping them close to me.
With a single thought
I unlock each one
allowing the spirits to flee.
Sept. 7/18
Photo by Michael Weidner on Unsplash

Boogeyman

His shadow spreads
over bitter walls
skeletal fingers
creep along
scritching
scratching
he wants to come in.
Hidden under the covers
trying to ignore the fear
counting beneath your breath
please do not let him come near.
Each footstep
each creak of the floor
an indication that he is coming closer.
Mouth working
throat closing
your scream comes out
as a whispered no.
Terror holds you tight
an embrace you cannot escape from
the door slowly opens
as you squeeze your eyes shut.
Like a child
you are convinced
that if you cannot see him
He cannot see you.
Covers slowly pulled away
a low moaning hiss
fingers pressing
nay bruising into your flesh
as you struggle to awaken
away from this horror
towards the sunrise.
August 31/18
Picture via: https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/804596289653185639/

Return from Hell

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.’
Steep steps
chiseled
hewn from black stone
back lit a flaming red
globs of lava thrown about
while demons howl
not with shame
not with fear
with blood lust
as the hunger bleeds through.
Crawling downward
ever downward
each level passing
as I search within the gloom
there is one I want
one I will kill
for all the pain
all the anguish he has caused.
At my back
demons scream
throwing bolts of flame
illuminating the darkness before me
I grimace
scorched by fire
but revenge shall be mine.
Finally the one I seek appears
bolted to the wall
fear
pain
sadness
soaking through my desire
my need
my retribution
I squint with fear.
In lowering myself
in giving in
to satisfaction that will be felt
I demean
I debase
the marrow of my being.
I draw myself up
strength returning
I look him in the eye
‘There shall never more be hope
I release you to Satan’s care.’
Head thrown back
he screams in terror
seeing the disjointed maws
black
salivating
thick gobs of spit
spun out as ropes
further tying him to the wall.
Stand aside
watch the horde rush in
my hands
clean they will remain
as I climb back up the stairs.
Aug. 19/18

Nonparent

You lie to me
with a straight face
not knowing that I already know
the truth has been presented
via text
bet you wish she didn’t talk to me.
I ask you
nay plead with you
to help me parent
to have my back
to help enforce bedtimes
and electronic time
only to find out
that you think I am unreasonable.
Let us call into question
the parenting style of each
and tell me true….
who is the parent?
who is the friend?
My anger is not unexpected
nor is your response
I thought you could parent
yet I find
that the will is not there.
Stuck in your head as a teenager
you cannot see the damage you have done
he will not follow your parenting style
I will see to that.
He will learn respect
he will learn responsibility
he will learn how to be an adult
with help from me.
Keep it up
I am warning you now
time will be lost
when he realizes the game you play
deciding that you are not worth the time
or energy to stay.
Disappointment oozes in his voice
his eyes shatter with tears
you really are nothing more
than a bastard……dear.
Aug. 19/18
Photo is one of my own.

Never Fear

Yawning abyss
toes curled at the edge
staring downwards
can I fly?
Will my dreams hold me?
I leap
over the precipice
feeling the current
soar beneath my wings
I glide forth
my heart touched soft
knowing you are near.
Swooping
diving
catch me in your arms
show me I have nothing to fear
for you are not the callous one
but a lover dear.
Downward spiral
wings wrapped around
holding me safe
snapping upright
into the breeze
flying high above
but cradling me near.
One two
you will never let go
you want to show your worth.
Three four
beats on the floor
dancing
around and around.
Darling of mine
shine baby shine
never more
will you fear the morrow
for I shall always be at your side.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 10/18
.

I am a Queen

Trying out this new thing;
Called Adulting.
I seem to have grown once more
without even realizing it.
No longer do I feel worthless
no longer do I feel alone
no longer do I speak to myself
degrading
causing panic dear.
Oh yes
the blackest voice is there
whispering
hissing
making me doubt….
myself….
my abilities….
me.
Countered with
a litney of good:
Funny
Smart
Beautiful
Independent
words to some
lifelines
to keep me sane.
I stand
the pier soaked beneath my feet
deep cleansing
breath in breath out….
Golden Girl.
Golden Queen.
Golden Princess
no more.
Queen of my life
Queen of my destiny
Queen of my confidence.
Queen of my Soul.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 2/18
Photo by Matthew Brodeur on Unsplash