Mixed Bag

I have learned a lot in the last month.
I am still learning.
I am changing.
I am becoming braver.
I am being honest. With myself and others.
I am responsible for my feelings and reactions.
I am working very hard to slow down and think before I speak when I become annoyed with T or for that matter, anybody. This is hard as it is a habit/learned trait that I must consciously break. I will have to carry this technique over into the work place.
I am present. Working very hard to not plan. To not fret over the things that I cannot control.
I am looking after me. No more of this shit putting everyone else first as though they are more important than I am. I will not do that anymore. I do not need to bend over backwards to make people like me.
I am a wonderful woman with a wicked sense of humor, smart as hell and damn sexy. I will not allow anyone to undermine the foundation that I am building beneath me.
My definition of projecting:  Reading a statement and because of something that you fear within yourself, you color a person’s response/words to you with that fear.
Ex. I was explaining to a friend something that I had noticed she had a bad habit of doing. We are intensely honest with one another. After I was done she  thanked me with an exclamation point. I know how dare she be excited and show it with an exclamation point because yes I helped her. Yet I fear that I am going to annoy her because of all my advice and experience. But than I stopped myself and realized what I was doing. I was projecting my fear into her typed words and thought she was being sarcastic. She was not being sarcastic at all. Once I realized that and changed my mind set the fear was gone just like that. Bye bye.
I am learning that once you can recognize what you are doing, you being to pick up on it when you are doing it. Once you are aware that you are doing it you can change how you think, feel and respond. Once you begin twigging to when you start projecting and figure out why, you conquer that fear.
I am a mixed bag of thoughts and ideas.

My Best

Picture via Facebook. Created by @treeowl

I am at my best. Every time I push myself to write. Every time I have an idea. I no longer strive for perfection. I am happy how I am. I will grow and evolve but always as I do I will be doing my best.
“I am a woman with dreams that I am finally ready to persue. I am beginning to think that this is my evolution and I am awakening from hibernation.”
I wrote both of those statements yesterday in regards to myself. I was having a conversation with a friend at the time. And after I made both of these, I had a profound sense of relief. That another piece of the puzzle has slide into place.
Recently when asked to do something, my response has been ‘I will do my best.’ Prior to this, I would take on more and more work or tasks pushing myself beyond the limits that I impose on others so as to not overwork and burn them out. But not Jay. Jay is Superwoman and she can go for years on empty with a false smile on her face. (Yes I realize that I wrote about myself in the 3rd person but I have found another topic for myself to ponder) I do have limits though. I may crash through all the barriers before I come to the firey crash but it will end. And away I go down a road of disrepute.
Back to my best. My best is going to have to be good enough. For those who are use to me going above and beyond, well they are going to have to get use to this me. The me who is not going to keep her fingers on all the pulses. The me who is going to live life and work her job. Not work her life and live her job. The me who is right here, happy and well along the way to healthy. Both physically and mentally.
When the statement ‘I cannot wait to see you at your best’ was made to me, I did not even hesitate to think before shooting back the above response. What do you mean see me at my best? I am at my best. I give my all and if that falls short for you, well my friend I guess you are missing out on this me and you are looking for a me that does not exist. Now I know that he did not mean anything rude by his statement and I did not take it as such.
Yet again it made me think about how I have been in the past. Previously if this comment was made to me, I would have gone into a tailspin. To me that would have meant that I was failing at something and I needed to shore up the defences. I would panic and force myself to work hard, push more. For what? To fall apart when I cannot meet that ideal I have created for myself. No one else did this, this is a reaction that I have built into me. Oh wait, yes someone did help to create this mess but I am already leaving it behind me.
As for my dreams. What do I dream of? I dream of writing every single day. And I do. I dream that I will win the lottery. Haven’t yet but I keep on buying and dreaming. I dream of what T and me are going to do this summer. I dream of romantic dinners and walks under the moon. Ha, that one is a dream dream. I dream.
These are not the dreams I allowed myself before. Before it was all about ensuring that I had my head on straight. Took care of the bills the rent the loan putting food on the table. I was the responsible one at all times. This is not to say that I am going to ditch my responsibilities and run off to live on a beach somewhere (however we will add that to the romance and winning lottery dream) but I am reprioritizing. My dreams are very important. Never again am I going to stifle, deny myself the dreams that I have.
I am shaking the dust off my wings and I am going to soar higher than I have ever been. 🙂