Why you won’t want to date me

What one can expect to find if they continue after reading and understanding the rules:

My heart enclosed. The gates locked. Bridge is up and the moat is full. With vicious crocodiles. And piranhas.

As I sit here, pouting like a petulant toddler who’s discovered she has to share her candy, I realize how hard I am to please. I have always been the caretaker. That role, after doing it for years becomes exhaustive.

Every single relationship I have been in I end up being in total control. I am the one making all the plans, paying all the bills and ensuring that life continues along tickety-boo. And now I have independence and the only ones I need to worry about are T and myself.

So I have come up with 10 things I need to warn the opposite sex of. About me. And my requirements. For my non- relationship. With a man who can take care of himself.

1) I do not want a relationship. However I do not want to share you. So get use to it.

2) I want a text. Not a thousand times a day but a good morning, a hey in the afternoon and a good night. So I know I have flitted across your mind.

4) I want to hang out with you. But I don’t. So just sit there until you figure it out. I will continue to read my Kindle.

5) I want to talk to you. Sometimes I will actually want you to participate in the conversation. Wait for the extended pause and dive in there.

6) I am a little bit crazy. But just a little bit, most of my friends will tell you it is barely noticeable.

7) I have anxiety attacks. There is no rhyme or reason they strike from no where. Just talk to me calmly about anything so I can focus and ask you questions.

8) I am not certain I want overnight company. I now sleep diagonally across my king size bed. Debating if I want to share.

9) I live with depression. That means some days I am sad. There is nothing you can do about it. Give me a hug and kiss and I will be okay. Some cuddles are nice too.

10) I am extremely emotional. I cry at commercials. I get mad at stupid stuff. I feel things very differently.

Truthfully, I am forwarning most men.  I am a weird woman. I want my independence. I want to be taken care of. I want to be respected.

T and me had a conversation recently. He wanted to know when I was going to get a boyfriend. I phfft’d and said I did not need a boyfriend.That I was more than capable of doing what was needed. He looked at me and asked ‘ you just needed one to help you put together my bed, right mom?’  (I so could have put his bed together but a friend with a drill is much more helpful)

Antidepressants and Weight Gain

For me the struggle went in the opposite direction. My Abilify caused me to become gaunt and unhealthy looking. Now I am a healthy weight and friends and family are happy with me. I struggle a bit because I have always been super thin. But everyone is right, I do look better.

Depression Hope

Raise your hand if you take psychiatric medication and you are gaining weight.  Is this you?  This is true for me, definitely.  The struggle is real.  People in my social circles just nod their head in sympathy when I mention it.   However, I don’t think they really believe me.

Let me tell you a little bit of my story, and it will be clear how the Lexapro I’m taking is directly affecting my weight gain.

About six years ago, I was on three medications that were helping me live a fairly normal life.  I took Zoloft, Gabapentin, and Trazadone, plus some Ativan as needed for my anxiety attacks.  I was doing pretty well, with some relapses here and there with my depression.

But you know what?  I was fifty pounds overweight!  I could hardly stand to look in the mirror.  It was something that really bothered me.  I felt unhealthy. …

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The Next Year of My Life

What a great idea! Instead of New Year’s Resolutions we do birthday ones. I am going.to do sider thos

Kristen Ruchalski, Writer

We all know that on New Year’s Eve, everyone makes resolutions for what they intend to change in the coming year. I think that’s interesting, but it doesn’t make sense to me. It’s not your next year, it’s just the next year. Your next year begins the day after your birthday. That is technically the next year of YOUR life.

Well today is my birthday. So I have been thinking about what I want to do differently in MY next year. For my next year I have a few things that need to change. So I have compiled a list.

  • More gym time. Stop making excuses and go.
  • Less saying yes, more saying no.
  • More me time.
  • More writing.
  • More positive thinking.
  • Go to bed at a decent hour.

Now let me explain. I was going to the gym pretty regularly. Then I got sick with the flu. I kept…

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My Day (It was not what I had planned)

I have friends who live with Fibro so this allowed me the insight I might not have to their pain. But as Kristin writes, her passion for her ideas and the causes she champions shines through. I wanted to share her beautiful words with others.

Kristen Ruchalski, Writer

Good evening folks,

So yesterday I spent the day driving around the region, attempting to flood the market with my resume. Instead, the rain flooded things! I didn’t get to stop at all of the locations I had planned, so I set out again today. One thing after another happened to let me know “today is not my day”. I decided to drive to one of the local libraries nearby where I was to search for a book to help with the paper I’m writing this week. Of course, they didn’t have what I was looking for.

What they did have was an awesome book sale!! And I got a ton of books, plus a tote bag to carry them. Of course, all funds go to assist with running the library, which is great. I did find a few books to borrow, but let’s see if I will get them…

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I will be……

You watch me, standing on the edge of the abyss

not hearing, not listening to the words that you cry

I only hear the voices within me,

criticizing, mocking drawing blades across my soul

making me weep.

I lose myself in blackness and despair

I see no one in the mirror,

Just the shadow of myself.

And I weep, and I rage, but no one does keep.

With fragile thoughts and moonbeam whispers

I claw my way forward to the light

I will not allow the beast to claim me

I will not allow it to beat me out of spite.

Your embrace is welcomed and needed

but I feel your fright; to understand the devil I face,

One must be willing to see beyond the norm

and to writhe with the pain of history past

To subjugate yourself to loathing and misunderstanding.

But I stand before you, proud as I can be

I will not bow, I will not cower.

I will not beat this illness, for its claws are deep within

but I will learn to live with it, and maybe;

 

soothe it to sleep.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 14/17

See me go

You believe in me, the person that I can be

dancing beneath the velvet night sky

Twisting and turning. Romance abounds

or is that my imagination?

I love, I learn, I yearn and I dream

I want to feel your truth

pull me into the warmest embrace

Make me feel your pain.

The acceptance I want, that I desire

you promised to me

Silently, vocally, telling me you understand

and yet, you run for the hills.

I am not a superstar, nor am I normal

I bleed and I flail, hanging by a thread

as I wait for you to see me go.

© Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 12/17

My Blood Pressure

Okay…..I quit smoking….I ummmm have given up salt…..alcohol  I still drink. I walk an average of 10000 a day save for the days that I am off.

Today  I was in to see my doctor. I live with depression. Live with not suffer…..But sometimes depression gets the upper hand. We talk, I tell him I need meds, he suggests we take my blood pressure. 165/95 and he says to me….not a true reading.

I all teary eyed suggest that maybe I need to be on medication. His response omg so your blood pressure will be 90/60 I don’t think so.

The belief here is that my depression is playing havoc with my blood pressure. My stress levels and the fronts that I present make my numbers out of this world.

But I am willing to admit this, I am so willing to see this….I need to be better.