Harlequin’s Mask

Can you see me?
The real me?
The one who stands behind the woman I show?
With harlequin mask
gilded tears in the corners
a reality
a truth
I cannot bury.
I mouth the words you need to hear
the platitudes
the I am okay’s
so you can have respite.
Respite from my pain
respite from my need
respite from my everything.
I am sorry to bother
allow me to retreat
and the facade shall return.
Ignore the silver tears that are real
escaping from beneath
the harlequin’s mask.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
December 4/17
Advertisements

Welcome to Hell

It hurts my heart.

An ice cold hand

reaching between my ribs

squeezing,

crushing,

bruising; 

and with a taut snap

rips free 

the abscessed soul

plagued with hell spawn.

Savage teeth bared

ripping and tearing

at phantom viscera

gorging on putrid flesh

steeped and soaked in sin.

Wracked with guilt

tortured with the profane

I crawl forward, 

my hand reaching out

grasping for shattered glass

ready

to plunge it into my breast.

To end this streaming vile

spewing of sensationalized news.

Snarls and roars fill the arena

as demons prepare to roast

the humans who feed their hunger

on the here and now

with no thought to the future. 

Pain paralyzes my body

I can go on no longer

I am lost to the hoards 

to the vast crowds

who stream through the entrance to hell

complacent in their own corruption.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

November 23/17

Mortified

T is over tonight as his dad is working evenings and his S.O. is not available. Well lucky me I get him for an extra night during a week that is not mine. Of course I am going to scoop that one right up.

When T first arrived home there were two bags of garbage waiting for him to take down to the dumpster. We had a little bit of a hemming and hawing and arguing a tad, about how unfair it was and it was not his garbage. This ended with me reminding him that when he came back we needed to have a talk.

Oh no he insisted, we did not have to have a talk. That was all taken care of. He knew all about it. I raised an eyebrow at him and said yes, however we need to have a conversation. I am not mad but I need to explain some things to you. Off he went, looking dejected and worried, for I am sure he was expecting a lecture.

I required fortification for this conversation so I poured myself a cup of coffee and turned around to sit back down at the table. T had plunked himself into my chair so I ushered him out of it. Not happy. He wanders around in front of me, anything to forestall the dreaded lecture that T feels is coming. I look at him. He walks around the cat’s scratching post, pulling on the batting ball.

‘Buddy, do you know what rape is?’

Well now that I hooked you with suspense and you are all sitting with either your mouths hanging open or a crooked eyebrow thinking what the hell has gotten into this woman? allow me to fill you in. Monday I came out from getting ready for work to discover that T’s school had called me. Noticed I had a voice mail but was in a panic so did not listen. Had I, I would have realized it was from T’s teacher. Well, I am trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Thought if he was being a bully he had better run. Was hoping he wasn’t being bullied. Called and left a message at the school for T’s teacher to call me at work.

He did. And I discovered that T and a group of his friends had been playing tag. It was called ‘Rape’ tag. I still do not understand the full concept. It entailed playing tag but if you were it to make the other person it you had to ‘hump’ them. Needless to say my face was burning with mortification. I had no idea where this came from and well I may have stuttered a little I was so shocked. I agreed that not only should I have a conversation with T regarding this subject but also that he needed to see the guidance counsellor along with the boys that had been involved. They also saw the Principal I believe.

Let us fast forward to this afternoon. So T is staring at me and I ask him again. And he goes well it has to do with sex. That is it. That is all. Okay I in no way want the school to be explaining what rape is to T.  This is something that needs to be handled by parents. But I knew that the Ex (I know I confuse myself too) had talked to him because he knew the name of the boys involved and had disciplined T with the loss of Youtube. Which means that tonight T is stuck hanging out with me. Once he comes home from hanging out with the neighbor.

I explain that rape was not about sex. It was a violent and degrading act that happened to both women and men. That often time women (I needed to chose one or the other to explain female is just easier) are threatened with being killed if they do not comply, hit and beaten. That their clothing is torn off and it is an evil act. Do you think that I was too graphic? I want to get the point across to my son that rape is nothing to be blaise and flip about. But he is only 9 you are pointing at the screen, only 9. If he and his friends are able to use the word and run around knowing that it has to do with a sexual act, than he is old enough to learn what is right and what is wrong in regards to his behaviour towards women.

I also explained that a lot of times, especially by men, rape goes unreported. That the person lives with guilt and fear. And that if they do come forward and go to the police they are often treated as though it was their fault. That they had asked for this act to happen to them. He said ask for it? What do you mean mom? So I tried to explain and than I stopped and said, you know how during the summer mom wears a bikini at the beach, and shorts and tank tops? Do you think that because I am dressed like that that anyone should be allowed to touch me or try to have sex with me? And he said absolutely not.

I said, that is what it means to say someone was asking for it based on the way they were dressed. But it could also be how they act. How they are walking.  Even how they might have smiled at someone. T looked at me and went to sit on the couch. He stared at me and I stared back. I wanted to know if he understood now why everyone was making such a big deal about it. He did.

I again reiterated to him that no matter what a girl is wearing or how she looks, talks or behaves does not mean he has the right to touch her unless she gives him permission. And than I did something that may have either scarred him for life, or done some good, I told him that the basis of his behaviour towards girls (now) and women as he gets older should be as simple as this: Would he want someone to do this to his mother?

I am not saying my son is not going to ogle girls and smile at them. I would not expect him not to. It is human nature. If you say not, I say you are a liar. You should see me when a cute man walks by the counter at work, I will be leaning over it to watch him go out that door. However, I know that I am teaching him how to respect them more.

 

My little ‘Murican

T is a comedian. I am not sure if the video will upload or even play. But he is hilarious. I do not know where he got this accent from all of a sudden. However this blog is not about him even though I am sharing his video lol.  Okay maybe this blog is a little bit about him.

This has been a fabulous week for me and T. We sat three times at the dinner table. Thursday evening we didn’t but T played on the couch next to me as I ate. (He had already eaten dinner at AK’s before I picked him up.) And Friday well omg!

Friday I awoke and was not feeling good. Stomach was just rolling and as I sat at the kitchen table trying to wake up I was like ‘please do not let me throw up, please do not let me throw up’. I despise throwing up. Hate it. I didn’t but the nausea stayed with me. My body was starting to ache and if I moved to quickly, the floor waved at me. I swallowed hard and went to work, thinking that I could do it. I could not. I was counting inventory and came up short no matter how I looked at it. My head was throbbing. I needed to be at home in bed. So I went. I text K2 asking her to write down my hours and laid down. Immediately I was up and running to the bathroom.

Whatever it was it all came up and out. I had had nothing to eat since the previous night. So basically it was bile. TMI? Think how I felt as it all spewed out of me. It was like every dark monster that I had ingested decided to eject itself from me. All the anguish and anxiety, all the ebony moments that make me cry, gone. You wonder why I am making this analogy? Because after it happened, although exhausted, I did not feel like shit.

This week I have been flying. Okay Tuesday was a peculiar day but my circle enclosed me in warm hugs and love and I got through it. I still was happy at times. Eventually though I have to fall down and go boom. Friday happened to be that day. I wish that it had not been Friday, I would have rather worked and than crashed, but I have no control over this. What I can hope for is that there won’t be a requirement for a sick day for another ten months or so. I believe that I may have to discuss with my boss the need for a mental health day. He needs to understand that even though for the most part I have my depression under control, there are going to be days when it creeps up on me. This is the nature of depression.

So last night I did not feel like cooking supper. We had pizza and cheese stix. Well T had pizza and cheese stix. I nibbled at my pizza but my stomach although empty was not quite ready to accept sustenance. Both of us were abed by 10 p.m. Protests on my part begging on T’s.

I was awake at 5 a.m. this morning. T followed me an hour later. Yes folks he was up at 6 a.m. despite my yelling at him to go back to sleep. His response, his mattress is bad and he has a hard time sleeping on it. At 9 we left to have breakfast and go shopping.

We went through the fastest food drive thru and it was awesome, no cars in front of us. I almost did not know where to stop. But we got our food. 2 of everything for T and 1 of everything to me. Ate everything, until, I saw it. I pulled it free of the cheese and showed it to T who immediately said ‘oh gross mom it is a ladybug.’ Now, I do not want to smear the good name so I will add that it could have been a crisp of piece off the bacon. However that had been my first thought and now I was grossed out. Off we went to Wal-Mart.

That is where the below video took place. T also wanted a onsie. And I caved. I am shaking my head.

As we are walking up to the store, he looks up and realizes that there are two flags. One is the Canadian Flag. One is the Manitoba flag. However, he believes that the Manitoba flag is an American flag. And he is yelling this to me at the top of his lungs despite being right next to me. I do think I finally got it through to him that it was not the American flag. Forgot to find and show him one will have to google it.

We had an amazing time shopping. T got his onsie. He also turned into an 80 year old man in front of my eyes as he stated ‘those were the memories’ talking about 4 months ago. He found a mattress that his dad offered to help me with.

That was really the whole point to this blog. How his dad and me have grown and become adults. T and me were talking about K3 and his parent/teacher conference. He would like her to be there. So I shot off a text to her. Also wants to get her a present so I had to find out her size and color likes or dislikes.

I appreciate that M wants to help me. It has taken me a bit to be okay with it. I am a strong independent woman lol, why should I need help? But there are times that I do. So if help is offered than I need to be gracious in accepting it.

Our week is drawing to an end so I am going to go spend more time laughing and chilling with my son. My heart, my love, my heart and soul. No one will ever hold a claim to my heart like he does. Every day I am amazed at this child who is a part of me, my life.

T also told me last week that I deserve to be published. Just for that I think I will keep him.