Lock and Key

****9 Days****
Blackened hearth
ashes cold
no warmth found
a loss of self
a loss of innocence
tears track through soot
silence round
staring endlessly into the darkness.
Morbid thoughts
death
destruction
voice raw from shattered screams
gasping air
unable to stop
convulsing as the ugly truth
rears its bloody head.
Alcohol
consumed in copious amounts
dims the light within
allows for wraith like movement
through my own life.
Grey ghosts gather
dancing around my bed
an exorcism
no longer effective
I am lost within.
Broken
death looking on
time has come to change
to embrace this self
amalgamate it to the new
creating a better me.
As time grows close
my festive nature
a joy to perceive
my demons battled
sedated
locked within a chest
for which I have the only key.
©Dec. 14/19
Picture via Pinterest

Patchwork Girl

****10 Days****

Falling down
rabbit hole deep
lost in a swirl
of blackness
of pain
no possible way out.
Round and round I go
never ending carousel
riding the pony
reaching for the stars
out of bounds
out of my orbit
a dream unrealized.
When I look in the mirror
a cadaver stares back
blooded rivets in my skin
holding me together
pinning me as I am
no change
no feelings
utter blackness
a void where once my heart was.
Detached
looking at myself from afar
disgusted
deranged in my addiction
hurting body and soul
to hide
to unacknowledge the girl
desperate for release
for acceptance
for forgiveness
scratching beneath the surface.
on my knees
screaming my rage
frothing with murderous desire
I slowly reunite
each broken piece
knitted back together
until I become the woman I am…..
flawed
patchwork colourful
beautiful
healthy
growing
learning every day.
No longer do I fear.
No longer do I hide.
I am who I am.
Warts and all.
Accept me or not…..
I really don’t care.
© Dec. 13/19
Picture is my own

11 Days to Go (Loving Myself)

Feelings
wrangled
caught
tossed aside
easier
to be non-feeling
to care not
than to accept…..
Abuse
wretched
damaging
turmoil wrought
turned my life to a nightmare
hiding
running
pain untold.
Addiction
ruination
addled
hidden from self
denial
rapt with lies
no matter how I try
caught in a vicious cycle
never able to end.
Recovery
light
happy
acknowledged
little girl lost
little girl found
learning to accept myself
learning to forgive myself
learning to be myself.
I know
but as the saying goes
better late then never.
Now…..
now I am loving my life
I am loving me
©Dec. 12/19
Picture is my own

New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own

Perfectly Imperfect

Wretched
hollowed eyes
staring into the mirror
aghast
this wraith
is it truly me?
Wrapped
pained chains
swathed in miasma
unable to swim free.
Blackened shadows
in the depths
reaching out
tentacles
lashed around
pull me downward.
Drowning
gasps
unable to see
preservation is key.
I cannot 
I am afraid
a child unacknowledged.
Fast forward…..
Looking back
to that woman
broken
lost
defeated
I was…..
To this woman
cracked
crazy
filled with love
acceptance of self
so lacking before
I now have in spades.
I have swum many an ocean…..
pain
tears
addiction
to arrive upon these shores
not in perfection
but in perfect imperfection
love me as I am.
©Dec. 10/19
Picture is my own

Building the Perfect Man

Wine is chilled
table set
girls night
time together
to reconnect
to laugh
to build the perfect man.
Mad scientists.
Frankenstein
rebuilt here
retouched there
cackles of laughter
shrieks of delight
as he begins to form
such is their fun.
Dash of romance. 
(Only a little though
modern women that they are)
Splash of dominance.
(Enough…..
just enough
to invoke a frisson of lust)
Listen with half an ear.
Encouraging.
Respectful.
Humor.
Crank up the switch.
Lightening crackles
energy slashes through.
Spasms.
Groaning…..
it?
he?
sits up
looking around
eyes alighting upon his creators.
With wicked intent
bated breath
they wait to hear his first words
this fabulous man
built to spec.
What would he say?
What could he say?
Mouth open.
Soundless.
Dumbfounded they are
until they realize why…..
They neglected to give him a voice.
©Dec. 8/19
Picture via Pinterest

Not the One

Winding staircase
standing at the top
spine straight
head held high
beauty reigns.
Breath held
attention captured
a sudden silent hush.
Confidence
exuded
beauty
power
belief….
in self
in worth
in love.
I stand
all eyes upon me
ready
finally to meet
The Queen I am to be.
No longer…..
never again
will I crawl
’round the base of a throne
looking for a King
for anyone to fill the void.
I stand
secure
within the knowledge
of my desires
and what I finally can admit.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to be desired.
I deserve a great love.
I deserve to have eyes that shine for me alone
arms to stave off the nightmares
a man who will see the greatness within 
help me to achieve 
the dreams I have.
I deserve to be adored by my one and only.
Glide down the staircase
glimpse of slender leg
eyes flit here
there
scanning the crowd
searching.
Pardon…..
should you find me frosty
it only means
you are not the one.
©Dec. 7/19
Picture via Pinterest