SMRT

A long long time ago, when I was not paying attention, I set up an account for logging into my PS3 and being able to use as a conduit for Netflix. A long time ago…..so long that I could not figure out how to set up new account using my current email account. And it has all been good. Until today.

Cooking supper, t.v. going in the background, watching Grounded for Life on Netflix. And than something happens. I am all……what? I try to log back in. I am being told that my password has expired and I need to respond to email sent…..to the old account. Are you kidding me?

Now, I am 44 years old. I am not stupid. I can put together furniture from China using pictures only. I can figure out how to access my account. So I google it. And I click link after link after link and realize that they are of no use to me. So I do what any self respecting woman who has a younger brother who is a tech geek does….I text my baby bro help!!!!!!!

At first, he texts me the same shit that I just read on google. I have already tried this, it does not work. You are a tech god (ha he will never read this therefore never knowing that I called him a tech god lmao) he googles and sends me a link. Resetting up an account. Coooooooooool.

So, I set up new account. I verify said account and than I try to log in. And omg I am told that I cannot log in with someone else’s account! But nooooooooo……….I wail it is my account. So I shoot off an email to the bro. And than for reasons that are unbeknowenst to me, I decided to set up a secondary user on the PS. And than I logged off and restarted.

Given the option to log in via User 1 0r Daisymae72 (2ndary account) I chose Daisymae72. And than it asks me to log in. And I use the new email address and password. And there is success. Logged on. Access to Netflix. I am doing okay.

Brother texts back. Tell him I am so smart. He texts back SMRT Jay. That is me. I am not technologically savvy. A lot of what I do is hit and miss. But he got me half way there and I got home with the rest. And thank god ’cause my only source of visual entertainment is Netflix lol.

How does that make you feel?

So, the week after my car died (cancelled 1-more to follow on that thread) I had my son. It was the coldest week of the season thus far. I had no car. Had to rely on my best friend (forever after known as BFF) to drive both myself and my son to and from work and school. My sitter (also a wicked ass friend will be known as Sitter lol) also drove me to work and son to school. The fact we had to rely on others did not go unnoticed by my son.

Finally get car back when son goes back to his father. No problem. I do require a fuse, bolt on inline battery fuse.  Still waiting for him to either a) order it for me or b) drop off to me so I can go in and order. I do not have radio or clock. My wipers also did not work but that was a fuse issue. (Cancelled 2)

Sooooooooooo……..I pick my son up from the sitter’s on Wednesday December 28th. We are now going to spend the next five days together and I am pumped. Driving along talking about our day when my son drops this bombshell on me: “Mom dad totally didn’t want to fix your car. That is why it took so long.”

Wow. Okay my son is 8. He is trying to instigate. Not even going to answer this.

Deep breath. Deep deep breath.

“Okay. So why are you telling me this? Are you trying to start a fight between your dad and me? Cause it just isn’t worth it dude. Not worth my time, not worth my anger, not worth anything I have.”

“But mom does this not make you angry?”

“I have a question for you. So we had to rely on our friends for a week to get to and from school and work.”

“Yeah we did.”

“And I got sick. Had to have BFF take me to the walk in. You had to wait at school to get picked up.”

“Yeah, so why are you not mad?”

“How do you feel about this? How do you feel about the fact that we had to rely on friends to get us around this week? How do you feel that mom ended up getting sick (totally unrelated but related) and had to stay home?”

“I was kinda mad mom. When I have a shop I will always fix your car first.”

“Baby…..one day you will look back at this and you will understand. You will understand why I left your dad, why I could no longer be there.”

“Mom?”

“Yes baby?”

“Dad’s girlfriend is 21.”

And there was nothing more to say.

This is why I don’t like going back and forth

So despite my writing yesterday that I do my best to not let my son know about my depression, tears, etc when he leaves, I failed. Huge. Melt down about the pants situation. All the sweats (he does not like to wear jeans but his dad persists in buying them) I have purchased since moving out on my own have disappeared. Told my son I was sick and tired of purchasing items and having them disappear into the abyss.

Told him that if he came back next week without his sweats I was done and he would be wearing shorts to school. We have like 4′ of snow on the ground. Our average temperature is -10 to -15 Celsius before the windchill. We will probably drop to like -25 or lower. I am not a perfect mom.

So after I hollered at him, he is in his room with his best friend and I hear him say “This is why I don’t like going back and forth between my mom and my dad.” And my heart dropped.

He has no choices. He is 8. His father and me decide his week to week moves. But clothes, clothes he does have a choice on. He can decide his tee shirts or the style of pants he will wear. And I realize he is stealing his sweats because that is something he has control over. He can choose whether to wear sweats or jeans. And his choice is sweats.

So damn it really it is all my fault. This actually started out as a pity me…..can you believe that he is doing this…..to an epiphany. My son likes his comfort clothes, just like his mom. Really there is no reason for me to get upset.

I know that it is a bitch for him to have to go back and forth. And there are different rules at mom’s house as to the rules at dad’s house. Sooooooo I will let him steal the sweats that he has stolen and I will buy a few to replace them. In larger sizes and than hide them. He is 8. I am lucky if he showers twice a week and changes his clothes every other day. Just going to deal.

 

Can my show be cancelled?

I have had a really bad string of luck or those who know me have had a bad string of luck.  I swear and this is only so I do not loose it and can find the humor in it, somewhere some god/ess or godling is watching an episode of my life. And my life is a comedy in his/her reality.  What I would really like is to have that comedy cancelled.

December turned out to be an absolute horror of a month.  If I chose to I could lament and whine; cry and say how the hell did this happen to me. Instead allow me to give you a visual of the last few weeks and you will understand.

Mon Dec 5/16

Incident with my mom that is all.

Tue Dec. 6/16

10% Tuesday at work. We had a snow storm blow in so the day was relatively quiet.  I was walking towards customer service and pulled my note pad from my pocket. All of a sudden something flips out of my pocket and I glance down. Suddenly horrified my eyes dart from left to right and I lunge downward only to smack my head on the counter. Why? Because a condom had flown out of my pocket. Turns out that it was a packet of tea that had been given to me for my son to try. Greyish blue in color. Like a Trojan condom. Funny thing is that I had just washed my apron and why the hell would there be a condom in my work apron?

Head home. Get stuck in the driveway five times. Five times. Finally am able to pull up. As I take the garbage down I slip and fall. Head slammed into the concrete. But hey, I didn’t drop my cigarette.

Knock on neighbor’s door because damn it someone should feel sorry for me. She informs me that she will be texting me every hour.  All night. To make sure I do not have a concussion. And she does.

Wed Dec. 7/16

Get up and go to work. Snow everywhere. Almost get stuck. Get out of car at work and nearly slip beneath it. Ouch.

Thur Dec. 8/16

I know something happened here but believe I may be blocking it out.

Fri. Dec. 9/16

Things are settling into the holiday rhythm at work. Carts have been moved into the mall so need to move back into lobby to have ready for the day. Also ended up cashiering a lot. Sudden pain in my back. I have never in my life experienced pain like this. One side of my body seized up. There was a dagger jammed beneath my shoulder blade piercing the muscle so that when I moved pain ripped through me. Went to walk in clinic. Am not sure how I finished my shift.

At walk in discover that I have whiplash. From falling and hitting my head. I had no idea that that was even possible.

Sat. Dec 10/16

Thank god the weekend can finally begin. Son is coming home at 5. Off at 2:30. Go out to my car pumped that I am going home and can relax after the week that I have had. Get into car and it won’t start. Well it turns over but it won’t fire. Ask my girl friend to boost me. She does, for two hours before ex comes and tells me I need to have it towed to his place. Awesome.

That was the start…..the next week doesn’t even come close to getting better. I look at this week and wonder how the hell did I survive? And if I remember correctly the boyfriend was suppose to come out on Friday and ended up really sick. And you wonder why I think that the god/ess or godling is having a laugh at my expense. It is funny once you get through it.

Not a Resolution

One of the hardest things I had to do in 2016 was going from seeing my son every day, hearing him tell me he loved me and giving me thousands of kisses, to seeing him every other week.  That is the custody arrangement my ex and me have worked out.  Week one with me, week two with dad, so on and so forth.

Today is the last day of my week with him.  As I write this he is still sound asleep, sprawled across the bed all long gangly limbs and cherubic innocence. Not so innocent when awake but in the coma of sleep he is still my little baby.  One might think that after 9 months of this that you might get use to it.  But you never do.  I cry every week.  I start to miss him before he is gone.  My home becomes silent and somehow less colorful.

I never let him see me like this.  The overwhelming need to cry only occurs when he is, like now, asleep or otherwise occupied out of sight.  I don’t let him know that my heart breaks when he goes out that door at 4 p.m. on Sunday. I don’t go into detail about how I will count down the hours until he returns in 7 days. I give him a hug and kiss, tell him I love him and will see him in a week.  Than I go into the house and wonder what to do with myself now.

So I read. I spend a lot of time on Facebook. I text a lot. I work. But I don’t really live. My world is drab. There are no visions of sugarplums or fairies dancing in my head.  There is depression. There is a need to self-medicate so it does not hurt so much. In doing that though one is lead down a bitter twisted road that ends only with more pain and conflict.

I am going to do something different this year. And no this is not a resolution. This is a need, a must, a chance for me to remake myself once more.  To start with I am going to write more. Write more often? Just write.  Writing is cathartic for me. It allows me to process my feelings and to work through the dark imagings that can arise.

I will live healthier. Eat better. When my son is here I cook meals and when he isn’t I eat whatever is on hand.  I need to stop that. I need to nourish my body as well as my mind. I am going to drink less and learn to live with the silence that surrounds me. And I am going to be okay with it.

In doing so I will become a better version of me. A better mom, a better friend, a better lover.

My son and me

So for the last two days my son and me have spent the entire day together.  Just the two of us.  Now I must explain, we spend time together all the time during the week that I have him with me.  However I work full time so our time is spent from the time I wake him up for school or to get ready to go to sitters to when we get home.  Than Saturday and Sunday are full days but he has buddies who live next door.  So I see him but it isn’t the same.

Yesterday and today it has been the two of us. I have a mini break from work so this is a great way for us to spend holiday time together.  Thursday was lazy day and today, today was purge/clean his room.  And let me tell you this kid is a hoarder.  I found multiple sticks, as in the ones that come from trees? Yeah hidden in the back of his closet.  There was garbage to be tossed, papers and broken crayons and clothes to be sorted through.

While tidying up the hallway I picked up the shoe baskets.  I have two pairs of sandals, one pair of work runners, two pairs of boots and 1 pair of sexy kick ass boots.  My son….his basket is overflowing.  4 pairs of sneakers, 4 pairs of boots, rubber boots, slippers.  I looked at him and said ‘dude you have way more shoes than I do!’ He asked me if that was a problem.

And than began the great purge of his room. Drawings and colorings from kindergarten and grade one.  Books that he wrote in grade two.  Thank god there was no moldy food or rotting meat (lol) he has some cleaning ability. But I came to the conclusion that my child hoards items.  I wonder where he gets that from? Today though, he tossed with abandon and soon the end was in sight.  Until we began going through the clothes.  And there was a lot of them.

There are all the jeans that I have for when he gets bigger.  I have nephews who are five years older than he and they are hanging in the closet waiting to be worn.  But there was also clothing that he had outgrown.  Clothes that he doesn’t even wear.  Stripes apparently are icky.  Color other than red black or grey are just not cool.  I finally snarled after the fifth dark shirt that during the week when he was with me I was going to be seeing some color even if he didn’t like it. I spent 20 years surrounded by dark bleak colors and I refuse to have that trait carry over.

Than I realized my son is a clothes horse.  He will change his shirt upwards of three times a day sometimes more depending on the season. He changes his pants from one pair of sweats to another depending on how the mood strikes him. Me, I live in yoga pants, tank tops and sweatshirts.  Jeans are for date night and if I need to make an impression. I prefer comfort. I have such a lacksadaisy attitude to what I wear that this careful consideration and need to look ‘right’ confounds me.  But he is 8 and I know that it will only get worse.

I have learned a lot in the last two days of being with my son. His ability for abstract understanding has yet to kick in. We had a conversation regarding digital money. He talks nonstop, feeling the need to constantly explain everything to me. That I know he gets from me. Case in point….he read the bit about the shoes and had to go clean out the basket so as to provide me with an accurate count of how many shoes he has. He is funny and smart. Sensitive and inquisitive. He is the male version of me in minature.

 

Hello everyone

So I have to admit that I am not entirely sure what I am doing here. I have a really good friend who is also a writer and she suggested strongly I start a blog. I do not even know what to write about.

I am a simple woman with simple wants and needs. I want to teach my son how to be a strong independent living man. The opposite of my ex.

I work 40+ hours in retail grocery and my god customers are fodder for a lot of my stories. Because who would actually believe that another human  could act like that.

I have a crew of girls at work who I laugh with and who hug me when I cry. They are the ones who help me to keep sane during my daily trials.

My BFF is my next door neighbor and her son is my son’s best friend as well. She is planning to move to the city at the end of June. I refuse to acknowledge this new reality until I absolutely have to. She and me take bathroom breaks at work solely so we can text one another.

And than the is the BF. He has no idea that I am planning on writing a blog. He is sweet and caring. Likes my son and is a dutiful son himself. He is going back home for New Year’s as well which has made me sad.

Oh yeah and there will  discussions about all things adult and immature. Poop, farts, the weirdness of life and the amazing world of sex.

Welcome to my weird little world I hope you will enjoy  read.