Lost in Time

**The picture is mine stylized by Google Pictures**
I sidle through the silent halls of my memories
head down
teeth bared
afraid of what I might find.
Memories that have been closeted from me
the good
the bad
and everything in between.
As time has passed within this dream
I awaken
and find
that the bad have slowly disappeared.
I can see sunshine and light
I can remember things I long forgot
I cry as the good times spill over me.
For too long
darkness has held court over my memories.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
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A living nightmare

Please read. I was not aware of the statistics. And the poem itself is heartbreaking.

Megha's World

This poem is second in the anthology of the poems based on the Social evils.

Sex trafficking is human trafficking for the purpose of sexual exploitation, including sexual slavery. Sex trafficking is a form of modern-day slavery in which individuals perform commercial sex through the use of force, fraud, or coercion.Minors under the age of 18 engaging in commercial sex are considered to be victims of Child Sex Trafficking.

The underlying causes of commercial sexual exploitation of children include poverty, gender discrimination, war, organized crime, globalization, greed, traditions and beliefs, family dysfunction, and the drug trade.

Sex trafficking is an industry making an estimated $99 billion a year.

  • At least 20.9 million adults and children are bought and sold worldwide into commercial sexual servitude, forced labor, and bonded labor.
  • About 2 million children are exploited every year in the global commercial sex trade.
childtrafficking.jpg

She was snatched from the
warm embrace of…

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The Ex and Me

The Ex and me, we don’t always see eye to eye. Different parenting styles, different people, different lives all around.

Last evening one of the girls was over at his place for an evening of drinks and relaxation. And this was what she overheard. All I can say is that I am sure that this is the sweetest thing bar none that he has ever said about me:

‘She is a great mom. We have an amazing relationship and parent so well together. But she speaks her mind and doesn’t hold back. But that is okay.’

Now it has taken us a long time to get here. When first we split up and then when I moved out there was so much animosity. We could not tolerate one another and when we did have to interact World War III was simmering beneath the surface. There were a few times where I nearly stabbed him with a fork I was so angry however was able to maintain a level head. I really did not want to go to jail for stabbing him.

I am sure that there are things that I do that he does not agree with. I tend to be more open with T about things. I explain. My parenting is not about ‘do this because I said so’. My actions speak so much louder than my words do and if I want T to be l00x better than I am or ever was, I had better be providing him with a damn good example to follow.

I do have language issues. T is forever telling me to watch it. I have to laugh because he also tells characters in the t.v. shows we watch and any singers with explicit language in their songs, to watch their language. I have heard him a few times use shit or hell. As one of his dad’s siblings is married to someone who was once a farmer, I watched their three kids grow up and using the word shit as young as 5. I cringed but as it was explained to me, they heard it all day long. It was used to fertilize the fields.  So on and so forth. At least T waited until he was 9 before I heard him.

It is also important to me that he treats everyone the same. When he does not say good morning, or thank you, or please with others (i.e. school crossing guard, someone holding the door open for him/him holding doors for others and so on and so forth) I lecture. And I will do so until it becomes second nature.

T is an amazing kid. He is smart. Funny. Has a sarcastic sense of humor much like my own. He is fast to quip.

We were discussing how I needed to ensure that he was properly equipped for school. Jacket, that is a big one a) because at 9 he is too cool to wear proper winter attire and b) because it is March and who wears winter coats in March? Well if you live in Manitoba, you may well be wearing your winter coat until June. As we are going back and forth T looks at me and says if I am to make sure he is properly equipped for school where were his rubber boots? I admit, I barked with laughter before attempting to school my face into a disgruntled mom look, it did not work.

I also see his dad in there too. He is great with his hands. The designs he creates in Scrap Mechanic and Minecraft amaze me. Mechanically inclined as he has been helping his dad in the shop since he was 2. He can fold clothes from the dryer better than I can. (Which is why I hang everything up that can be hung up)

While there are times that I wonder what the Ex is thinking he is a good dad. He loves T with every fiber of his being. And when they have the time to hang out together, they have a blast.

As always this ended up being more about me and T than my thanking the Ex for the kind things he said about me. But I can only take the idea and go with it, the rest flows to my fingers and onto the page.

While neither the Ex nor I were good partners for one another, we are great parents together for T. And really at the end of it, is that not the best example that we both can provide him? He saw the fights between us and now he sees that we talk to one another. That we are friends. These last few months, the Ex helped me with food and lunches for T. He let me keep his share of the baby bonus each month so I could ensure that my bills were paid and I could buy groceries.

He really is not a bad man. And I hope that he is with the woman that is going to make him happy forever. Because I do want him to be happy. I want him to have a love that fills him from head to toes with light and laughter and songs. I was not that person and it is okay. We had a good life together and we have an amazing son. And now we are friends. And I can turn to him for help whenever I need it.

 

Walking down Main St.

Today after walking T to school I chose to walk home down Main Street and than Brandt Street. These are the pictures that caught my eye. The picture of the all glass building and the feed factory are 2 blocks apart from one another. Only in my city.

The empty lot I swear that there use to be something there I just cannot remember what.

Policing

The descent into the asylum of Tween/Teendom has begun. I am sure that it won’t be that bad right? Ha! I remember what I was like. I have heard what the Ex was like. If I escape with only half of the crap we put our mothers through I will count myself lucky. However he was a wonderful baby and young child. Lately I have been getting glimpses of the ogre that is going to be my child.
T loves sleeping in his clothes. This way he is ready for the next day. An ongoing battle I have been a little lacksidaisy in enforcing the changing into pj’s at night. Well enough is enough and given that he soon will have to be showering daily, I decided last night that I was going to hold firm. T had asked to play Scrap Mechanic. I said yes as long as he put his pj’s on first. Which lead to a large amount of whining. And he did not want to. So up I got, I was in my room reading, and I took the mouse for the computer. That earned me a ‘Fine than! I will watch Youtube.’ Went back into the living room and took the controller for the Xbox.
Back and forth we went. He yelling from the living room, me holding firm and repeating ‘get into your jammies and I will give you the mouse and controller back.’ T was bored. I was ruining his life. How could I be so mean to him? And the best one ‘If this is how you are going to be I am just going to go to my dad’s.’
Now T so rarely uses the going to dad line but I decided that I was not going to allow this to become his go to threat. So I told him that I had text the Ex and told him that T would be taking the bus to his place after school today. Well my word but the water works began and he was caterwauling on and on about how could I have done that. I had hurt his feelings. As I stood at the end of his couch looking at him, tears rolling down his cheeks I informed him that I had not actually text his dad. I was hurt as well that he would use this as a threat to me.
All said and done last night I ‘wasted’ all his time. He only had half an hour to watch Youtube. I explained once more that had he done what I requested that no time would have been wasted. T would have been able to play his Scrap Mechanic. He would have been able to watch Youtube. But he chooses to yell and kick up a fuss, throwing things, kicking them around. I remained calm last evening although I sorely wanted to yell back at him. I can admit that. He was driving me absolutely insane.
Fast forward to this morning. I went in at 5: 45, 6 and 6:17 to tell T what time is was and he needed to get up. Finally at 7 with my going in to awaken him again, T got up. And once more I have ruined his day. Which as he is sitting on the couch removing his jammies became a whole lot worse when I discovered that he was wearing his jeans underneath. I looked at him and he gave me a smartass grin that I am all to familiar with. It has crossed my own lips many a time.
I asked him if he was proud of himself? Did he think that he had pulled one over on me? All this meant now was that I would have to stand over him and watch while he changed. He did not care. And the mouth began running again about my wasting all his time.
I told him that he was to get ready for school and tell me what he wanted for breakfast before he could watch Youtube. Oh dear lord but once more I became the world’s worst mom. I was going to be the root cause of his having a miserable day. It was not going to get any better. And he was going to his dad’s after school. I asked him if he would like me text his dad and he said yes. So I did.
While I was writing the text to the Ex, he slammed into the bathroom, knocking my body spray and mousse to the floor. The dryer door opened and was slammed. As I was finishing the text he came out. Hair styled. Shirt on. Same jeans but different socks. He sat on the couch and glared at me. I sent the text and asked if he wanted to read what I had sent. And he did. In essence I explained that T was having a crappy morning and may show up at his place after school because he was so mad at me. And if he did could he please return him to me. I went on to explain what the uproar was about and asked that he back me on this issue.
T was furious. Called me a tattle tale. How could I ruin his life even more? And he was not walking to school today. I could not make him do that.
Now the storm has passed. He is ready for school. We will be walking and have to leave soon.
I created this child. I am completely at fault for having not held firm on the pj’s thing. The getting ready for school and eating thing. But I am now. Much to his dismay. I held firm both last night and this morning. I did not yell or threaten him. I continued repeating my request over and over again. Until he did as I requested. I am hoping that it will click. That if he were to do as I asked when I asked this would be a nonissue. But he is pushing back because he wants to make those decisions. And I gladly would allow him to, but until we get these new ground rules established, I will have to be the PJ/Getting ready for school Police.
10:59 a.m.
While walking T to school he and I discussed what had occurred last night and this morning. I asked him if he had learned anything about what happens when I ask him to do something. He responded with ‘just do it mom’ which I am sure Chichi is thrilled to hear because that is her motto. We talked about how his dad and me are on the same page with parenting. But that I would probablly be more of a hardass than his dad but that was okay because Chichi had been with me. And I turned out alright. He agreed.
We were nearly at the school when T turned to me and said darn it mom we are having a really good conversation and we are almost to the school. I reassured him that we can always have good conversations that it would not end just because we got to the school. He gave me a kiss and ran off. I asked if he wanted me to walk him to his hut. There was a resounding No. I am beginning to think that he is embarrassed by me. 😂😂😂

Kisses Forever

As T and me approached the halfway mark to the school I asked him if he wanted to stop and give me my kiss so none of his friends saw. I did not want to embarrass him.

Without missing a beat he continued walking and said to me ‘Everyone always kisses their mom. If you didn’t it means you are unloved.’  I had to clarify that he meant we would not love one another anymore.

I giggled and asked him if he was still going to say the same when he was a teenager? Was he going to be okay if I dropped him off in front of his friends and gave him a kiss? He did not really answer but I got a definite no to the suggestion that I drop him off 6 blocks from the high school.

As we neared the school I asked him again if he was sure he did not want to give me a kiss before we got up to the walkway. And that is when the truth came out.

T was not worried about anyone seeing us because they would all be in the back by their hut.

I got my kiss and a good chuckle as he bustled away. And now I have this to show him when he is a teenager: That he will always give me a kiss.