Harlequin’s Mask

Can you see me?
The real me?
The one who stands behind the woman I show?
With harlequin mask
gilded tears in the corners
a reality
a truth
I cannot bury.
I mouth the words you need to hear
the platitudes
the I am okay’s
so you can have respite.
Respite from my pain
respite from my need
respite from my everything.
I am sorry to bother
allow me to retreat
and the facade shall return.
Ignore the silver tears that are real
escaping from beneath
the harlequin’s mask.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
December 4/17
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Queen of Deflection

Hello how are you?
Terrific and you?
Your mom and dad?
How about that sister of yours?
By the time you walk away
having regaled me with tales
of normality and bliss,
you will have forgotten the pain
reflected on my face.
I am the Queen of deflection.
 I cannot allow you too deep
for within the shadows my beasts strain
wanting to partake.
Though leashed and muzzled
still they try,
wanting to break free and control
the singular puppet I am,
for their macabre tastes.
I weep and I cry
but there is no escape
for I am entrapped within a cell
of my own making.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 3/17

Flawless

I like to believe that I have no flaws
that I can get through my day without tripping
without stealing away
to drug my thoughts, my pain.
I suck them back with greed
they calm the beast within
and I cannot tell
I cannot send him running
I do not have the strength.
7,10 at a time
anything to obliviate
this heart of mine.
I feel too much
I love too hard
I try to make it all right
for everyone
but myself.
This pain that I fight
I have no idea where it comes from
I only know that this is not the right way
as I flush the pills
once again.
I need help,
I need assistance,
I am not as strong as I make myself out to be.
I hold my hand out
a silent plea.
Do not judge my sins,
hold me and aide me,
for it killed me to admit this.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 3/17

Depression 1

***Pic via Pintrest***

Am not sure why but I feel as though I need to share this. I am in a really good place right now with my medication and having stopped drinking. I use my blue light daily which helps as well as taking my vitamin D. This was the start of my ‘crash’ as I call it in 2014. It is the one and only time that my depression sunk its claws so deeply into me that I needed time off to confront my demons. And confront them I did. This began a journey that ended up with where I am today and the road still unfurls before me.

Jay-lyn December 3/17

Silence spins out like a golden thread,
spider silk.
Distance no longer about space but emotion,
fears and desire combine to hold your hopes together…..
and you watch, and you wait to see if it will crumble.
Living at the seaside in a house made of sand,
a moat keeping the tide from attacking at the banks,
eating away.
Water creeps closer and closer and still you wait….
hoping that dreams can still come true?
Atop the tower, watching the beast ravage the man
a forest of wickedness and lies,
black truths.
Protect and keep your faith nigh….
what the hell is going on?
Waking every morning,
a scream upon your face.
Smitten with the devil who tortures you all night.
How did you get here?
Do you really care….
so long as the peace has been written.
July 23/14

 

Like, Um, Just

Last week this all began. Thursday was the day of the absolutely mortifying conversation and subsequent change in behaviour. That was all the day that T and me talked. I did not yell or scream, he did not feel he needed to make excuses, we talked. And than we even sat down and had dinner together.

As T and me are eating and having even more conversations, I slowly become aware of the fact the every other word out of T’s mouth is like. Followed by um. Flashback to the day before when I was going to the back to do something and passed a young woman on her phone. Every second word in that 30 second snippet I overheard was like. Like this, like that.

Now I guarantee you that as Chichi is reading this, she is howling over her cup of Yarba chortling ‘oh Jay.’

The story behind the word like in our household:

I am a child of the 70’s and 80’s. Valley Girl idioms made their way as far north as Winnipeg, Manitoba. So like was a popular word. My mom hates it. My aunt who is an editor hates it. I now realize why.

In February 2016 I went and spent two weeks with my mom. Am pretty sure that those two weeks saved my life because when I came back home I had a game plan for how to move away from the toxicity I found myself in. Chichi and me walked a lot and talked. We always have. Or rather, I have always told her everything and she in return tries to not offer advice but listen and allow me to talk my way through it.

I imagine after about a week Chichi was exasperated by my continued use of the word like in my sentences. Finally she demanded of me if I knew how often I said the word like when I was speaking. I was taken aback. I never use the word like I countered. Really? Chichi challenged me to listen to what I was saying and to count how many times I used it.

Holy cow Batman!

It was horrible. I was using like as though it were fairy dust and I was sprinkling that shit everywhere.

Like is the lazy way of speaking, Chichi and my Aunt ringing in my head. You are in too much of a rush to speak and not to find the words that will help you express what you need to. (As a writer I understand however 2 years ago I was still bumbling around in the dark, lost and buried beneath my life and unhappiness.)

It took a lot of perseverance but I was able to do it. I stopped in the middle of sentences a lot for a while when the word like danced on my tongue. But I did it.

Now flash forward to my household and T’s receiving the exact same lecture that I did 2 years ago. I explained how it was considered to be a lazy way of speaking. That he needed to slow down and think about what he was saying. T looked at me and went okay mom. And as I type this I realize that I have not heard him use the word like at all.

Before though you raise your morning coffee/tea and salute me in this I do have a confession to make:

I have discovered another word that I overuse when I am writing text messages or am talking and that word is ‘Just.’

I just walked in the door.

I just got off the phone.

I just, I just, I just, must, need to find another word to describe the moment.

🙂

 

Childhood Dreams

Crashing waves
a beach of sand
tranquility at its best.
Bringing back childhood memories,
of times when dreams
could still be realized.
Aching with pain to know
I abandoned myself along the way,
clawing back the tempest
parting the bleak curtain
To once again be me.
Create and go forth
Let your dreams fly
Let not society tell you no
Only ask why?
Soaring on wings buffeted by currents
beauty seen
No longer denied
For childhood dreams reclaimed.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb 27/16

Grim Reaper

The Grim Reaper we fear

creeping through the night

phantom of our dreams.

He is not the one

we should watch for,

no,

but the predator on the streets….

He stalks and whirls

encased in black

shadows are his home.

Creeping and crawling

into our hearts

bleeding dry our bones.

Living on our fears and hatred

gorging on all our despair.

He mocks and sidles

not even trying to repair

but dividing and punishing

all the good people here.

Believing he is a demi-god

master of all

bowing to no one.

Captain of his fallacy

chartering a path to he’ll

to confront the Grim Reaper

and challenge him for his crown.

Jay-lyn Doerksen

©Dec. 1/17