How do you describe a wave?
Water pushing and pulling. Dancing upon itself.  Folding.  Grasping the dappling sun, pulling it beneath the teal waters. Twisting and turning. Capturing and releasing. At its peak it rolls, curling under, ready to submit to itself.
I am having problems with my fiction writing. While it was flowing before now it seems to have dried up. So I thought that I would begin to write. Let the words flow from my mind to my fingers. It did not matter what I was writing, I needed to be writing.
I keep picturing the wave in my mind. Seeing it build and peak and crash back down. Or smooth out softly hitting the shore with barely a ripple.
When I was younger, I would go to the cabin with my amma. The dogs.  It was at Beaver Creek, now known as Beaver Creek Provincial Park. It is on Lake Winnipeg. I loved swimming when it was rough. Wading in, diving through the waves. Laying back and letting the water hold me, keeping me safe. I would ride the waves. Letting the water lift and lower me. The water was my friend, warm even if the day was gloomy and overcast. I have always loved the water, feeling protected and secure.
I miss being a little girl. I miss my amma. I miss my grandma and grandpa. I want a chance to do it all over again. I want the chance to make different choices. I want to fly. I want to dream. I want to live as though tomorrow has no consequences.
I know that this is not realistic. I am an adult, I have responsibilities. I have a life. A son. So going back is not an option for me. And besides all my choices have lead to me being here.
I have always felt strong emotions. Sadness. Fear. Love. Pain. Joy. Happiness. Anger. And I really never knew how to deal with them. I was unable to see that eventually they would pass and I would go back to it being alright. I did not know how to let go of those emotions. I hoarded them. All the hurt and pain, I shut it out. I never learned to navigate those emotional waters. How much has time changed. Now my main goal is making sure that T is able to do so.
That he is going to know that not everything is going to go the way that he wants it to. He will learn to weather the disappointments and let downs, knowing that they are not going to last forever. T will ride the wave better than I have.
Going forward when things get a little much for me, I will ride the waves. The anxiety, pain, fear, disappointment whatever it maybe, I will go up and crest. Than slowly come down the other side. Landing upon the shoreline. I will ride each wave. Secure in the knowledge that the waves can be swum, I no longer need to fear being submerged and drowned.

Good Enough Woman

Friday I was talking with M. She was not feeling well and had decided to go home. I cheered this decision. Because as I have learned ignoring your own needs and those of your body is detrimental to your mental and physical well-being.
At first she attempted to downplay how she was feeling. Her heart was doing some funky things. She was not sick sick. Not contagious. I was a little ticked off and told her that whether mentally, physically or emotionally ill, you have to take time for yourself. That being stupid like that is greatly overrated. To which she asked if I had never worked when I was sick.
Yes, I have. I often feel guilty that I am calling in sick. I pushed myself through at least two months of depression before I finally hit my rock bottom. I have been made to feel that I should work through any illness that I might have. That if my child is sick I am required to make other arrangements. I must be there. Well hell guess what? I no longer choose to allow someone else to decide whether I am healthy enough to work or not.  I will no longer not be with T when he is ill. Children need you. I still want my mom when I am sick. So she can tuck me in and make things all better. It doesn’t really but I can pretend.
My response may have been a little extreme. I mean we were texting and I could have edited but my text went to her as though she was sitting in the room with me.
“I have and where the fuck did that get me? Emotionally and mentally ill. Breaking down because I thought I had to be superwoman.’
And there is the crux of it. I thought I could burn my candle at both ends and get away with it. It is not possible. It is not healthy,  I thought that if I was superwoman, if I was perfect that everything would fall into place and my world would begin to make sense. But it didn’t. Again, Superwoman is overrated. Being her requires a lot of personal sacrafice and being there for everyone but yourself.
Personally I prefer to be ‘The Good Enough Woman’.
The Good Enough Woman:
My son thinks that I am an amazing person. He believes in me. He believes in my writing.
I have learned who my supporters and friends truely are.
I have found myself again. The real me. Not the one who used alcohol and drugs to escape her pain.
I have found strength.
I have reprioritized my wants and desires.
I am reaching for the stars.
I wake each morning feeling satisfied and wonderful.
I am settling the past and living in the today.
I am learning, each and every day, new things about myself.
I am able to own my feelings.
I am able to now see when I allow others to affect my mindset and self. (They whoever they may be do not have the right to make me feel as though my best is not good enough) And I will calmly explain that this is how I feel and I do not appreciate it.
I am good enough for myself. I am good enough for T. I am good enough for the people that orbit in my life.
No one is perfect. I don’t care what you believe. No amount of striving and reaching will ever be enough. You are always going to fall short.
And when you fall short the recriminations, the disgust, the need to push beyond your limits will fell you like the mighty oak. And perfection is overrated. We all have flaws. We all have imperfections. And that is what makes this beautiful world of ours so magnificent.

He believes

Belief: Confidence in someone
T has that in spades for me. Way more than I think that I have in myself and my writing.
Thursday I allowed him to stay home in the morning as we had a dentist appointment at 11:50. His tooth has been bothering him. Every time he laid down to go to bed, during the day, suddenly there would be a sharp pain from his jaw to his ear. I was worried that my insurance was not in place and that I was going to end up paying an arm and a leg, which at this time is not an easy task for me. Bonus, not only was my insurance in place but up to the first $200 was 100% covered and everything after that was 60% off. Well damn but isn’t that awesome. (His two appointments were covered within the $200 limit and a $15 balance yet!)
Thursday was a weird day for me. I spent a lot of time with weepy eyes. At the time, I did not know what it was that was bothering me. I do know now however it is not something I am ready to openly blog about. V told me that having ‘leaky’ days, as she calls them, are perfectly fine to have. Yet my mood had not plummeted. I was still having a good good day. Even with all those tears.
T is a little strange and I say that with absolute pride because so am I. He was pumped that he was going to see the dentist. Quite a change from when he was little. The tooth had previously been filled last year. It had been a deep cavity and T chose to have a silver filling put in. Now though, either the tooth had chipped or part of the filling had come off.  Now as an aside, my mouth is not filled with silver fillings but back in my day (making myself sound as though I am 145) that was the only type of filling we could get. None of this fancy white filling like these young whipper snappers get these days. But white is stronger than silver in the filling wars. When he discovered that he was going to have to come back and get a filling the next day T was super exciting. (No word of a lie when we returned yesterday morning he announced to the office at large how much he loved having his teeth filled. I am still terrified of it.)
A white filling was required as Dr. K had to remove all the old filling and refill. She did not charge me extra for the white one which was yet another bonus. But that was a Friday bonus and I am writing about Thursday. After both appointments T did try his darndest to get me to allow him to stay home using the arguements that a) his jaw may start to hurt in the middle of the afternoon on Thursday and b) the frozen tongue syndrome on Friday. He went to school both days.
I had my revelation as we were talking on the way to school Thursday about why I was weeping. T of course had the answer for me. Just Quit. Don’t do it anymore. I had to explain that it did not quite work that way. That I have responsibilities to fulfill. T was silent for a moment.
‘Mom maybe they will hire you and than you can stay home and write full time.’
I was a little shocked as it seemed like a full change in conversation. And than it dawned on me that he was talking New Reader Magazine where I had submitted my poem.  I laughed a little and explained to him while that would be a dream come true, that that was not how things worked. There was no way that they were going to hire me to write full time. But I lived in that fantasy world for a brief moment.
‘Well mom, than you need to write a long book. One with 25 chapters. You will get published and can stay at home and write.’
I smiled and told T that that was what I was doing with Juliette’s Journey. Working title only. And he nodded and sat back.
I was sitting at home after dropping him off when it struck me how confident T was. He made the announcements, the one about the magazine hiring me and publishing my book, as if they were already done deals. He does not have fears like I do. He does not mistrust the words that I write as I sometimes do. He looked at me and he only saw that I was going to do this. No matter what. And that was when I realized that T really believed in me. He did not even consider that I may fail at writing. He believes in this dream with all his heart.
I realize I have a lot of work to do. I have to live up to his expectations of what I am capable of. And I do not want to let him down. I always tell T that he can do whatever he wants to do. If all I do is talk about my dreams yet never chase them, I am saying one thing while showing him another. And I want him to reach for the moon and stars. I want him to dream big and go for it. He is amazing. He is smart. He is a great looking kid. And I need to be the one to show him how to Jump.


Tears escape
traveling over pale cheeks
lost within this
yet unable to discern why?
Days have been good.
Very very good.
When I feel like this,
unable to exercise
I begin to fear.
Fear that after all my hard work
I am falling
back to the beginnng of my time.
That this lovely dream
that I have built
is exactly that,
a dream that I will awaken from.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
March 15/17

Not a Politician

I walked over to the post box today hoping that the last piece that I needed for my income tax would be there. It was not. However there was a a single sheet of paper. At the top of which on one side was the headline as above. The rest of it is at the bottom of this post. I looked it over and on the backside I was encouraged to vote. My choices were Yes, No, Unsure with the question being should government be allowed to make this change.
Now I will be the first to admit that I know very little about the government. I have never voted. It is not that I am not interested because I am. However, I have absolutely no idea what each party is trying to do. How are they going to help the people of Canada? How are they going to pay down our debt? What are their environmental policies? How can we continue to provide services to seniors, veterans, children when so many are being cut? These are the things that impact me. These are the  questions that I want answers to. Instead what I get is a lot of hoopla about what the other party did not do.
I do not care at all what the party did not do. I am only interested in what they have done. Have they at the very least fulfilled some of the platform that they ran on? And what is their plan to continue forward with an eye to a bigger and brighter future. Slandering them and fear mongering is what happens though. And no one is immune.
It usually starts small. A little ad in the paper. Than you begin to hear ads on the radio. And finally they make an appearance on television. It is another election year. Your vote matters. Everyone needs to vote for a better tomorrow. However before that even begins there are usually small starts to the smear campaigns. And again, I cannot reiterate this enough, I do not want to hear about how rotten the other party is. I want to hear your platform.
You must understand, I want to make an informed decision. I want to be able to compare apples to apples. But to do so I need concise information that explains in detail what you are going to do for Canadians. Your platform. Let me make my decisions logically, not because of tearing people down.
I have always felt very passionate about this. Actually my brother and me have both joked about running for parliment. On what platform? Cutting the salaries that the politicians are getting. Taking a good look at where the expenses are horrendous. And in finding said funds, being able to pay down the national debt, funding services that have been cut as unessential. Beyond that neither one of us has really got a plan.
Out of curiosity I decided that I would look up how much our Members of Parliment and Prime Minister make. The article I am getting my numbers from was written by Amy Minsky National Online Journalist Global News. Originally published online at globalnews.ca April 27/17.
Prime Minister-$345,400.00
Members of Parliment-$172,700.00
These are base salaries. Now as I read further along, it comes out that they are going to receive salaries beyond the base as compensation for addition roles and duties. This is a direct line from Ms. Minsky’s article. 
Prime Minister: $345,400.00
Members of Parliment: $255,300.00
Well now. As I am looking at these numbers I am a little stupified. The Prime MInister recieves $690,800.00 per year. Which when divided by 12 months means he is taking home $57,566.66 per month. Members of Parliment  receive $428,000 per year. Again divide that by 12 months and they are taking home $35,666.66 a month. I know that there are taxes that need to be taken off. Do they pay into the Canadian Pension Plan and Unemployment as well? I am sure that they donate some of it. But what the heck do they need the rest for?
I was thinking that oh yes, they have purchases for work that they will have to pay out of pocket for. That would most likely take up a bit of money. But wait, again curiosity got the better of me and I googled what do M.P.’s have to pay out of pocket and are they reimbursed? Short answer yes.
Oh wait though, they have to pay for their campaigns so they must be……..no matter how I look at it I cannot justify a salary like this.
Yes they are running the country. Well? I don’t know. But I am thinking that much like in a company where an evaluation of the employees determine a raise should be introduced into Parliment. They give themselves raises and the people of Canada are not even given the chance to voice their opinion. I mean we are paying their salary, why should they not be accountable to the country?
The average Canadian does not make that amount of money per month. There are a lot of people out there who can survive and have had to survive on nothing. We live in a country where approximately 1.2 million children live in poverty. 1.2 million children. Can you imagine if they had salaries that were comprehensible to the average Canadian, how much more money would be freed up to be put back into Canada and the services that continue to be cut due to lack of funding.
I have to apologize. I am sure that what I have written is incoherent and sounds like the ravings of a mad woman. I wanted to discuss how we were to make informed decisions in regards to issues that are relevant to us, the people of Canada. Instead, I wandered off into a discussion of money.
And again, I am not political. I would like to be. And looking at those salaries I am thinking that it is time that everyone starts to pay attention.
Back to the little flyer I received. I voted unsure. And in the comments stated ‘Given the fact that there was nothing here to tell me what changes exactly the Liberal party is planning to make to the Summer Job Funding program, I am unable to make an informed decision. All this is is a scare tactic.’
It is a small victory. Nothing will come of it, but at least I have finally done it instead of only talking about it.