***Pic via Pintrest***
Am not sure why but I feel as though I need to share this. I am in a really good place right now with my medication and having stopped drinking. I use my blue light daily which helps as well as taking my vitamin D. This was the start of my ‘crash’ as I call it in 2014. It is the one and only time that my depression sunk its claws so deeply into me that I needed time off to confront my demons. And confront them I did. This began a journey that ended up with where I am today and the road still unfurls before me.
Jay-lyn December 3/17
Last week this all began. Thursday was the day of the absolutely mortifying conversation and subsequent change in behaviour. That was all the day that T and me talked. I did not yell or scream, he did not feel he needed to make excuses, we talked. And than we even sat down and had dinner together.
As T and me are eating and having even more conversations, I slowly become aware of the fact the every other word out of T’s mouth is like. Followed by um. Flashback to the day before when I was going to the back to do something and passed a young woman on her phone. Every second word in that 30 second snippet I overheard was like. Like this, like that.
Now I guarantee you that as Chichi is reading this, she is howling over her cup of Yarba chortling ‘oh Jay.’
The story behind the word like in our household:
I am a child of the 70’s and 80’s. Valley Girl idioms made their way as far north as Winnipeg, Manitoba. So like was a popular word. My mom hates it. My aunt who is an editor hates it. I now realize why.
In February 2016 I went and spent two weeks with my mom. Am pretty sure that those two weeks saved my life because when I came back home I had a game plan for how to move away from the toxicity I found myself in. Chichi and me walked a lot and talked. We always have. Or rather, I have always told her everything and she in return tries to not offer advice but listen and allow me to talk my way through it.
I imagine after about a week Chichi was exasperated by my continued use of the word like in my sentences. Finally she demanded of me if I knew how often I said the word like when I was speaking. I was taken aback. I never use the word like I countered. Really? Chichi challenged me to listen to what I was saying and to count how many times I used it.
Holy cow Batman!
It was horrible. I was using like as though it were fairy dust and I was sprinkling that shit everywhere.
Like is the lazy way of speaking, Chichi and my Aunt ringing in my head. You are in too much of a rush to speak and not to find the words that will help you express what you need to. (As a writer I understand however 2 years ago I was still bumbling around in the dark, lost and buried beneath my life and unhappiness.)
It took a lot of perseverance but I was able to do it. I stopped in the middle of sentences a lot for a while when the word like danced on my tongue. But I did it.
Now flash forward to my household and T’s receiving the exact same lecture that I did 2 years ago. I explained how it was considered to be a lazy way of speaking. That he needed to slow down and think about what he was saying. T looked at me and went okay mom. And as I type this I realize that I have not heard him use the word like at all.
Before though you raise your morning coffee/tea and salute me in this I do have a confession to make:
I have discovered another word that I overuse when I am writing text messages or am talking and that word is ‘Just.’
I just walked in the door.
I just got off the phone.
I just, I just, I just, must, need to find another word to describe the moment.
The Grim Reaper we fear
creeping through the night
phantom of our dreams.
He is not the one
we should watch for,
but the predator on the streets….
He stalks and whirls
encased in black
shadows are his home.
Creeping and crawling
into our hearts
bleeding dry our bones.
Living on our fears and hatred
gorging on all our despair.
He mocks and sidles
not even trying to repair
but dividing and punishing
all the good people here.
Believing he is a demi-god
master of all
bowing to no one.
Captain of his fallacy
chartering a path to he’ll
to confront the Grim Reaper
and challenge him for his crown.