Always You (Love Poem)

Standing along the shore line
tiny wavelets licking my toes
mauve
purple
golden
the sunset.
I see you in the distance
walking towards
my heart skips a beat
as I know
I will be in your arms tonight.
promoting me
encouraging me
helping me
to be the best woman
the one you know exists
beneath the bluster
fear
and pain.
Loving
trusting
desiring
lost within your eyes.
You are my first thought
my last thought
every thought in between.
When good things happen
you are the first to hear.
When bad things happen
you are the first to know.
Love walked in
slamming that door open
banging it against the wall
at a time when
I was so sure I was broken.
So many times
so many chances
fate keeps getting in the way.
I run to you
water splashing
caring not as I get soaked to the skin.
You gather me
picking me up
as we do a silent dance.
Within your arms there is hope.
Within your heart there is love.
Within our future
a story to be built.
Always you.
Forever.
Eternal.
A flame burning bright.
Always it will be you.
December 5/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017
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Buh Bye

I bleed.
Scarlet ribbons
maroon manacles
chaining me to your side.
Truth
lie
liar
a lineal line.
Addiction
lover’s lane
go ahead
fuck you
fuck her
don’t expect me to wait.
Fuck you finger rises
will never let you see
pain
desire
hope
within me.
You thought
(falsely I must say)
that the love I held
would lead your way.
Pummeled by words
broken in two
I need to protect myself
so good bye to you.
 
December 4/18
Photo is one of my own taken Summer 2017

I am not a Killer

As I was showering Sunday morning I suddenly realized that I could never kill someone……and get away with it.
First off is that it is a crime. It comes with jail time. It comes with infamy. No thank you. And orange makes me look so sallow.
Than I would dither about how I would kill them. Do I use a knife? A gun? Rope? Hammer?
My poor victim would be staring at me in horror as I was trying to figure out which weapon I wanted to use.
Than do I want to be up close and personal or from a safe untainted with corruption spot elsewhere?
(This is how I will kill them-death by indecision.)
So I have gotten this far what comes next?
The clean up.
And you know you never ever get all the blood.
You would be crawling around on your knees, microscopic eye trying to detect the slightest spatter of human matter.
Clean up would have to be done with the black light and than you find out what else is all over that room. (Gross need I say more?)
Too talkative. I like to talk. I would be remembered.
‘Yes officer I am sure that is the one. She would not shut up for a minute.’
I would by and large leave enough DNA evidence it would be unbelievable. I shed copious amounts of hair.
As I watched my hair go down the drain I realized that I would need to get Drano or something soon.
Which lead me to than think about today’s word radioactive.
What if when I poured it down the drain a giant hairball came to life.
Than I thought I would get T to do it. However there is some law that says you cannot put children in danger. Not even if it is to fight off a radioactive hairball.
So there you have it. Why I could not commit murder and get away with it. But I am a writer mwahahahahaha I will kill you 100x on paper.

Thank You

Battered my shields
rent free
creating a gap to crawl through.
I tried to keep you out.
Scars ripped anew
promises made
no one will hurt you
whispered in my ear
as fear paralyzed my body.
I cannot believe.
You wore me down
demanded that you know all
swore to me
were I to open up
you would not leave
as all the others did.
I opened up.
I gave you my history.
My dreams.
My nightmares.
I laid my soul bare.
I trusted
despite that voice.
The one screaming at me.
Telling me
you were laughing.
All I was…..
a joke.
Woked the hell up
sin danced before
paraded
no love lost
for no love was had
only convenience.
How could you do this?
I am not strong.
I am no Valkyrie.
I am a broken woman.
Pieces scattered
always one missing
never whole
shattered glass
broken hearts
why did I let you in?
Let you open that door
make me feel
make me dance
only to rip the rug out
from beneath my feet.
Spinning
spanning
tell all the tales you need
to assuage your guilt
even as you scream at me.
Demanding I beg
forgiveness
yours to give.
Ummmmmm……..
Well now…..
I am sure
that I had not hand in this.
I did not guide you into her.
I did not stand there
waving a whip.
‘Should ye not perform
I shall strike thee
with this cat o’nines.’
Self deprication.
It tis myself
I should be flaying
for having fallen for gilded tongue.
This blackened carcass
yours to feast upon.
My heart
melts in your mouth
tainting smooth words
no one shall listen.
All they will hear
is my desolate moan
crying out
realizing that the words
not the actions were true.
Fuck you.
Fool
I am
am I.
No one to blame.
My romantic heart
re-locked
re-caged
steel reinforced
wire wrapped around
never to be loosed again.
Thank you for that.
December 1/18
Picture is mine taken Summer of 2017

The Factory

Hear me 
young and old
this is a precautionary tale
of why one should listen
read
acknowledge
signs indicating radioactive material.
Little Lance was an adventurer.
He slayed dragons.
He climbed bean stalks.
He swam the warm waters of the Caribbean
with Green Teeth Pirate King.
As he grew
Little Lance
morphed into Big Lance.
He never lost his sense of fun
adventure
or imagination.
The abandoned factory
settled into the ground
an odd piece of mystery
set no where
was a no go zone.
Children are warned to stay away
but all children become teenagers.
Teenagers 
well they ain’t that smart.
Their brains have ceased to fire
only a small portion active….
usually the stupid one.
Big Lance was dared one day
to enter
where no one else had gone….
The Factory.
Standing before
Big Lance gazed around
wondering where he should go first.
He wandered here.
He wandered there.
Stymied by locks
boarded windows
shuttered doors
Big Lance began to worry.
Slowly
the reality began to dawn on him.
He began to backpedal
when he tripped
fell over…..
The windows
(eyes)
opened
flamed red.
The doors
(mouth)
yawned
slime dripping from jagged
ragged teeth.
Big Lance disappeared
(sacrificed)
into
The Factory that day.
December 2/18
Photo by Yonghyun Lee on Unsplash

Update December 2018

T has gone for a sleepover at his best bud’s place. I decided that I was going to tackle his room. I mean c’mon the smell in that room was a palpabile. Stand at the doorway and you are choking. Yes this is my fault as I allowed it to get this far. But today was ‘D’ Day. I have been warning T that if he did not do something about that room I was going to. So I did. Have to say am right impressed with myself. 48 minutes to clean it, strip the bed, vacuum and voila. Spray a little Febreze and well I can enjoy the illusion for one day that it will not stink of sweaty feet, grungy hair, garbage not strewn all over the floor. Shhhhhhhhhh allow me this please. Just for a moment. 
 
I started a list of things that I found in T’s room while I was cleaning it.
 
1 roll of toilet paper tied up with a yellow rubber band.
2 1/2 full 2lt Pepsi bottles in his bed.
2 pairs (Mr. I have No Socks) of socks and several loose ones. After doing laundry it has been determined that he has approximately 8 pairs of socks. Like seriously?!?
My camera…..in the basket with all his cars. Cause…….movies mom movies.
1/2 of the cutlery I have been looking for
1/3 of the cups/mugs
and last but not least (I am a bit perturbed by this)
a plastic bag containing:
1 sock. 1 only.
Charger Cord
Magnetic Mirror that mechanics use
Tiny screw driver
 
I have to admit that in the grand scheme of things I have been pretty lucky. Yes T is a bit of a pig in a sty. He is getting there though. The other day he brought his cereal bowl out to the kitchen sink and looking over at me says ‘mom I must be growing.’ I am a little confused (he has the same bad habit that I do…..starting up a conversation on a different conversation that may have been 3 days ago but you know we are a little different T and me.)  ‘Meaning?’ ‘Well I brought my dish out of my room and put it into the sink.’ Oh. So you do something I have been nagging you to do for well forever….but now I am suppose to give you kudos for the one time that you brought out that bowl. Dude, I found half my cutlery drawer in your room. Why do you need that much cutlery? Is this a thing that I need to be concerned with? Is that the new initiation? How much cutlery can you hoard before your mom will brave your room? 
 
The beginning of this week was hard on both  of us. Getting use to the rules that differ from mom to dad’s place. Having to once more explain why he has to be off Fortnight at 9 p.m. Again it has gotten better as the week has progressed. Beginning of the week arguments when suddenly…..Wednesday was it? Yes it was. I was in a bad mood in the morning. And T began off with the lip. I was done. LOL I know how many times have you heard me or any parent say that and mean it? Yes there will be times but not when you are 10. We fought. On the way to school he is sitting arms crossed hostile to the end. We are going through the 20 km zone when I hear this pop. I look over at T and asked if he had just farted. Nothing. Than pop pop pop. And he starts to grin. Begins flapping his hands towards me. Where is a gas mask when you need one? I pulled up to the drop off zone (and let me tell you learning how to use the pick up/drop off lane plus the round about has not been easy) he grabs his bag hops out of the car, looks at me and tells me he loves me than slams the car door shut. Really? I was choking, gagging but this may have been the breaking point. 
 
When I told him it was 9 p.m. I expected a fight. No. He told his friend that he had to get off. He is talking to me on the ride home from the Ex’s. Oh yeah neglected to mention that part. I have no babysitter for T after school so I am relying on the Ex to help me out. Now I can return the favor and T will be spending the night here during his dad’s week. We have laughed a lot. Had to explain to T about what tenacious meant. Also how we have to correct the slightest deviation from known facts. Being literal I believe others call it. And than came the weekend. 
 
Friday night we get home. T does what he has to do and goes into his room. Xbox, Fortnight, ya know kid stuff.  I am sitting on the couch t.v. on in the background as I go through my emails. (Tonight is different. Tonight I am listening to my music on shuffle dancing in my seat and writing.) Suddenly I hear T tell his buddy that he is going to go. He wanted to come and hang out with me. Wait? What? I am sorry but who are you and what have you done with my son? I worry about him. Some might say I am overindulgent with him. Permissive. I am working on that. He has not fussed once about the bedtime hours. He has been doing his chores pretty regularly. I mean yes as we drive home I am asking him what he has to do but he is doing them. 
 
My child is so much like me that I hurt for him. He feels things differently. Hoards those thoughts and feelings until something sets it off and suddenly I am the bad guy. I now understand how my mom must of felt when I would go off on her in anger. I am bewildered. Blink rather rapidly as my brain fast forwards to catch up to what he is screaming at me. It is never what he is screaming it is what I have to dig for. Try as I might to not lose my shit I usually do. There are words. There are tears. Than the real talk begins.
 
Last night was not one of the screaming nights. No last night T made me feel short because he can take stuff off the top of the fridge without standing on tip toes. Also on tiptoe is able to reach where the bandaids are. We laughed. Sometimes 10 year old wisdom is so much better than the advice anyone else can give me. He is pretty astute. We had an amazing evening. T made paper airplanes, a ton of them while we chatted and I read emails. Blogs that I follow. It was nice. 
 
Today he is off for sleepover. I cleaned house. And I have written a chatty blog probably terrifying those who only know me through my poetry. Now I am not sure. The night is mine. The only night that is mine lol I will let it play out as it pleases. 
 
 

Shrieking Shrew

Lies
dripping poison
making me scream
why are you such an ass?
Venom
lick my lips
flick my tongue
watch as you writhe in pain.
No hurt
no tears
no emotions
oh dear
turns out that I know not how to love.
Bloated fears
wicked temper
blood red vision
contemplating the sin.
Shrieking shrew
raging
spewing spittle
became a joke
to you and her.
head bowed in shame
in distaste
not my finest moment
not my finest anything.
I am not the woman
staring out of the mirror at me.
Red eyed Medusa
snakes hissing
striking
poised on the edge
I have become rabid…….
this is not who I am.
December 1/18