T is over tonight as his dad is working evenings and his S.O. is not available. Well lucky me I get him for an extra night during a week that is not mine. Of course I am going to scoop that one right up.

When T first arrived home there were two bags of garbage waiting for him to take down to the dumpster. We had a little bit of a hemming and hawing and arguing a tad, about how unfair it was and it was not his garbage. This ended with me reminding him that when he came back we needed to have a talk.

Oh no he insisted, we did not have to have a talk. That was all taken care of. He knew all about it. I raised an eyebrow at him and said yes, however we need to have a conversation. I am not mad but I need to explain some things to you. Off he went, looking dejected and worried, for I am sure he was expecting a lecture.

I required fortification for this conversation so I poured myself a cup of coffee and turned around to sit back down at the table. T had plunked himself into my chair so I ushered him out of it. Not happy. He wanders around in front of me, anything to forestall the dreaded lecture that T feels is coming. I look at him. He walks around the cat’s scratching post, pulling on the batting ball.

‘Buddy, do you know what rape is?’

Well now that I hooked you with suspense and you are all sitting with either your mouths hanging open or a crooked eyebrow thinking what the hell has gotten into this woman? allow me to fill you in. Monday I came out from getting ready for work to discover that T’s school had called me. Noticed I had a voice mail but was in a panic so did not listen. Had I, I would have realized it was from T’s teacher. Well, I am trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Thought if he was being a bully he had better run. Was hoping he wasn’t being bullied. Called and left a message at the school for T’s teacher to call me at work.

He did. And I discovered that T and a group of his friends had been playing tag. It was called ‘Rape’ tag. I still do not understand the full concept. It entailed playing tag but if you were it to make the other person it you had to ‘hump’ them. Needless to say my face was burning with mortification. I had no idea where this came from and well I may have stuttered a little I was so shocked. I agreed that not only should I have a conversation with T regarding this subject but also that he needed to see the guidance counsellor along with the boys that had been involved. They also saw the Principal I believe.

Let us fast forward to this afternoon. So T is staring at me and I ask him again. And he goes well it has to do with sex. That is it. That is all. Okay I in no way want the school to be explaining what rape is to T.  This is something that needs to be handled by parents. But I knew that the Ex (I know I confuse myself too) had talked to him because he knew the name of the boys involved and had disciplined T with the loss of Youtube. Which means that tonight T is stuck hanging out with me. Once he comes home from hanging out with the neighbor.

I explain that rape was not about sex. It was a violent and degrading act that happened to both women and men. That often time women (I needed to chose one or the other to explain female is just easier) are threatened with being killed if they do not comply, hit and beaten. That their clothing is torn off and it is an evil act. Do you think that I was too graphic? I want to get the point across to my son that rape is nothing to be blaise and flip about. But he is only 9 you are pointing at the screen, only 9. If he and his friends are able to use the word and run around knowing that it has to do with a sexual act, than he is old enough to learn what is right and what is wrong in regards to his behaviour towards women.

I also explained that a lot of times, especially by men, rape goes unreported. That the person lives with guilt and fear. And that if they do come forward and go to the police they are often treated as though it was their fault. That they had asked for this act to happen to them. He said ask for it? What do you mean mom? So I tried to explain and than I stopped and said, you know how during the summer mom wears a bikini at the beach, and shorts and tank tops? Do you think that because I am dressed like that that anyone should be allowed to touch me or try to have sex with me? And he said absolutely not.

I said, that is what it means to say someone was asking for it based on the way they were dressed. But it could also be how they act. How they are walking.  Even how they might have smiled at someone. T looked at me and went to sit on the couch. He stared at me and I stared back. I wanted to know if he understood now why everyone was making such a big deal about it. He did.

I again reiterated to him that no matter what a girl is wearing or how she looks, talks or behaves does not mean he has the right to touch her unless she gives him permission. And than I did something that may have either scarred him for life, or done some good, I told him that the basis of his behaviour towards girls (now) and women as he gets older should be as simple as this: Would he want someone to do this to his mother?

I am not saying my son is not going to ogle girls and smile at them. I would not expect him not to. It is human nature. If you say not, I say you are a liar. You should see me when a cute man walks by the counter at work, I will be leaning over it to watch him go out that door. However, I know that I am teaching him how to respect them more.



Days & Nights

There are days when I can walk free.
Days when I can feel the sunlight on my skin.
Days when I no longer wear sorrow
as a garment of my mourning.
Days where sunlight dapples the leaves.
Honeysuckle in the air.
The heat a lover’s caress
as I am able to pretend
yet again,
that you had not left me.
Days where our favorite song erupts from every station
where the scent of your cologne
permeates the air,
the water,
my very being
and I cannot break free.
Nights where I can fall to slumber.
Morpheus barely needs to draw
the line from my soul to my dreams
as he guides my fantasies along.
Nights where the thunder roars.
Rain slashing the window pane.
When the rage,
red and black,
filled me with terror.
There are memories
stored deep in the black of my mind.
Ones that I shan’t access
for should I;
my ability to wake, to live, to be,
would be as dead as you are to me.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
November 21/17

Rejoice of success

These are awesome ways to deal with a challenge or task that seems to be overwhelming. (Much like my attempting to organize this massive work of poetry I have). However if I use these techniques, five poems organized and sorted a week/20 a month becomes so much more manageable! I am going to implement will let you know how I do!

Success- everyone has crave for success. The meaning of success is different from person to person.

Stress of getting success makes them depressed. Because people only focus on their long term goal or ultimate target. Hence, this is a main reason of sadness.

Here is a simple trick to enjoy your life. Give yourself everyday at least one reason to be happy.

It would be quite easy if you set many small targets in your life and Associate them with your ultimate goal.

“Break your difficult aim into some easily achievable goals to get more opportunity of being glad.”

You can set your monthly goals.If you do this, it will be very beneficial.

  • You will feel less stressed.
  • You will get more opportunities to be happy.
  • You will be more confident.
  • You will feel quite satisfied.
  • Your aim would be simply very closer to you.

So, be relaxed and enjoy…

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Relationship Goals


Relationship goals:

  1. Find a guy who makes me laugh.
  2. Find a guy who talks to me.
  3. Find a guy who listens.
  4. Find a guy who respects me.
  5. Find a guy who encourages me in my hobbies even when he does not understand them.
  6. Find a guy who encourages my passion(s).
  7. Find a guy who when I impose limits; accepts them without arguing.
  8. Find a guy who will hug me when I am sad.
  9. Find a guy who will celebrate my successes and failures. (Failures lead to future successes)
  10. Find a guy who will hold me while I ugly cry, barf into a bucket, or any other issue that makes me feel like shit.

These are my goals. Not for everyone I know. And really folks I used the term guy because I like men. These rules can apply every which way. (Except children and animals but that really should not need to be stated.)

This is a pretty steep set of goals a man must face if he wants to move beyond the friend zone with me. However I know what my worth is now. After years of setting my wants and needs to the side, I now realize where I stand.

And if my frog never arrives to be kissed, reverting to said Prince status, I will still live my life to the fullest, inspired and loved by those who do find their way into this story of mine.


Method to my madness part 2….

Procrastination. Avoiding doing a task that needs to be accomplished. And today I did a very good job of procrastinating. 

If y’all recall I was going to clean house today. And I did. For 8 hours. With a brief stop to drive T  to his dad’s. And to eat. 

I (with T’s help) moved my bed around making my room look larger. Moved in the one bookcase and it works fine. Got rid of the small bedside table I had and moved my amma’s table my grandfather had refinished so history into my room. 

Moved the living room around. T.V. now moved over and was able to repurpose old bedside table as a stand for the tower. I did run into a wee problem when after unplugging and untangling all the wires for the computer I could not get the speakers to work. Resolved by a friend who told me to see if they had been muted. They had been.

The living room looks bigger as does the kitchen now that the table is in my room. 

I ache. I utilized more of my storage space. I hung up a few items that I have had sorta floating around. And once more a tiny step into my world….the one I deserve and have earned. 😊

Method to my Madness

I have decided that rather than being a hibernating, unmoving lump on the couch this winter, that I will give myself a project. One that I need to get done but admit to being rather daunted by.

I am also the Queen of Procrastination now that my grandma has gone to the great coffee shop in the sky, and I will find a multitude of ways in which to delay said project.

  1. I will move all my furniture, vacuum and reorganize the living room set up. Exactly the same way that it is now because well I have a baseboard heater and my internet cable runs through a small hole in the wall and I cannot move the table from there as the computer is on it. (I am old fashioned, still have a desktop. Mom is more up to date than me with her laptop.)
  2. I will strip and remake my bed despite having only done that a few days ago.
  3. I will stand in front of my closet, scratching my head and staring at the clothing that hangs in there. There is nothing to purge as I did that a few weeks back.
  4. I will clean the bathroom. Not as horrid as it sounds, but not a wonderful job. Especially since I have a 9 year old boy who loves to pee all over the toilet. Seriously how hard is it to aim? You just point and pee? No?
  5. I will stick my head into T’s room and retreat. I have him keeping it tidy, he is dealing with his clothes his way and I can see the floor. I do not need to venture into the Den of 9 year old boy smells and I don’t even want to know what those are.
  6. I will move my books from one book case to the other.
  7. Move all the knick knacks from one bookshelf to another.
  8. Rearrange books and knick knacks so I can take one bookcase and repurpose it into a shelving unit for clothing in my bedroom! Wohoooooooooo I am smrt!
  9. Drag bookshelf to bedroom and rearrange clothing to my liking.
  10. Drag t.v. from my room into the storage closet. I am tired of sharing space with it.
  11. Hmmmmmmmm okay, oh wait, wait, let us see who has messaged me in the last little bit while I had my music blaring and doing my amazing reorganization of the house whilst not procrastinating.

This will take me all of today. That leaves me with another 4 months of winter to try and procrastinate through. But now I cannot. For I have a plan. A gigantic totally makes no sense but it will motivate the hell out of me. I am announcing it to the world. LOL okay, so really only to those of you who read my blog and family and friends who don’t. Or don’t admit to anyways.

I have a lot of poetry. Not my early stuff that we all know in a dumbass moment of who knows what, I burned, but there is a lot of it floating around my apartment. Stuffed away in coiled books. I have poetry as well sitting in my email that I have written over the last three years. Than there are all the poems that I have written and posted here.

It is a lot. And I need to streamline and organize it all. For myself and because I am going to start to put together a body of work and well………I am not going to get ahead of myself. Suffice it to say that the main body of my winter project is getting all my poetry in one place and organized into categories. Once that is done I can look to where I want to go from there.

So, yeah me, not being slothful and being held accountable by well myself. For having told y’all means that I cannot slip it off to the side. Now I actually have to do it. After all there really is a method to my madness. 🙂


I always whisper
‘wait a day’
before I send the message
for I lack patience.

Wait and see if you will answer
maybe text me first?
In this day of instant gratification
I only want you
to respond to me.

We spoke the code
this new generation
of not dropping
into feels.

Do not look to me for love
do not look to me at all
for really this need I have
it requires only a boy to sate the craving.

Yet sit here I do,
checking each text
hoping that it will be you.

Nope, that one rings false,
‘hey baby how you doin’?
Wanna get laid tonight?’
The only way I can get you to respond.

Wrapped in your arms
salt upon my lips
I lack the ability to be careless.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen
November 18/17