Evolution

It has become very apparent to me that I like being solitary. I enjoy my me time and making my own decisions. I like how I only need to consciously think of myself and T. I may be becoming a finer version of myself! Having said that there is nothing wrong with a little male company now and again, so long as they don’t stay too long. 😍😍😂😂

Of late I seem to have these wonderful insights within myself. There is usually a trigger but today as I sat sipping my coffee and checking my emails, I realized I like being alone. I can sit in silence, enjoying my coffee, stalking my friends on Facebook, playing games. Reading other blogs that I follow. It is not a busy day, I did all my housework yesterday as I wanted today to be just a simple day for me.

It is 2:18 p.m. and I am still in my bathrobe. So decadent. This must be what the life of luxury I have only read about, is all about. My home is clean so why not just have a day of me. That aside, let me get back to my thoughts about myself. After I wrote the above post I had the following conversation with a friend. (I will only post my half. He did think the line that they don’t stay too long was hilarious.)

“You know what I mean. Become clingy and whiney or don’t appreciate me. I am a damn good woman who has wants, desires and needs. I am not going to waste my time with someone who wants to mold me into their idea of me.

I learned a lot about myself in the last little while. Reflecting on who I have morphed into solely for the gratification of others. So they would not be uncomfortable with the woman that I am. I realized that I cannot be that person. That I need to be myself. True to myself. And I realized how lost I had become. How hidden the real me was. Much like when I was with my ex.”

Never mind that I am more creative when I am not dispensing so much energy on being the false me. My poetry is ever evolving and not always about me or my feelings. But about the scenes that I see in my mind. I find that I am finding my voice as I write my blogs and am able to see more within myself.

Insights that would be the word. And with each insight I evolve, and I grow. I am so far away from the woman that I was just one year ago as I stepped into my new life. And I am even further along than that woman of just a few weeks ago.

I am choosing to embrace life. I am choosing to embrace myself. All of me. The deep depressions, the empathy and caring spirit. The fact that I enjoy being happy. (What a weird concept, having to learn to enjoy being happy) My laughter is so much freer. I am learning about my own wants and desires. I am learning how to just be.

Forever evolving I hope to be, for stagnation I do not want to see.

 

 

 

 

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Once upon a time,

I believed I was a princess

held captive in an ivory tower;

I must have been four or five.

There came a time when protection was rescinded

the mad King made his move

and no longer was I the pretty princess

I had become a child to mold.

My self loathing, my desire to hide

took me down roads no one should travel.

No woman should believe that her worth

is based upon sexuality.

I crept and crawled, pulling myself along

consecrated land

While the demons within wailed and fought

to be free.

I explode free from notions and conceptions

I retain the right to mold myself

to come back from the horror within.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 7/17

Mother and Son 2…

Having a boy is hard. Not because well, I am a woman and do not understand the whole car and what not aspect. Not because I am watching him evolve, and girls are becoming more of a ‘thing’ in his life. T has a girl who is friend, not a girlfriend. Boys are just hard because I have to learn a whole new language and discard some of my ideas and proprieties. Case in point a conversation between K and T yesterday.

K to T: Do not waste your diamonds on a ho!

M: What is a ho? (Cause y’all know that is what she is thinking.)

K: You do not know what a ho is?!?! This is a ho! (Total exasperation because mom is such an idiot)

T: No that is a booty slapper! (Hint it is a shovel but he believes it sounds funnier calling it a booty slapper.)

M: Do you even know what a ho is?

K: (with a look of total disdain) you use it to hoe grass mom!

They were playing Minecraft. The conversations that we hear with these two boys often includes slang that we just are not sure which context it is being used in. I have also discovered this week that my child has a bit (okay a lot) of my sarcastic side comments. He though does not mutter them under his breath the way I do, he just blurts them right out there for everyone to hear and acknowledge.

M has been mulling over the possibility of getting herself a motorcycle. Not entirely sure why and when she announced it to the boys, they were flummoxed. Her point is that prior to their appearance, we both did have other lives. T’s response was to state “That is not going to end well.”

His babysitter has two daughters. Both older than T. He is like their little brother and it is different for them to have a little guy around. On Friday as everyone is in bathroom whether blow drying their hair or brushing teeth and hair, there is my child banging his balloon around asking someone to play with him. K (his sitter) slams it hard and it bounces out. T is dismayed until it is pointed out to him that it is right behind him. Than they are all getting ready for school. Well, T’s bag is already to go and he is leaning against the door waiting and waiting for the girls. K says to them to make sure that they have everything as she has an appointment and will not be home. T’s response “Yeah like that is going to happen.” Death was almost instantaneous from the laser eyes except for the wall between him and H. J just snorted because she knew he was right.

Lastly, Saturday after suppper, M and me are sitting talking. I am telling her how with my spending spree that I am into my overdraft. Not hugely, I can live with the amount over I am but still I just got paid lol. All gone. But the bills are all paid and the fridge and freezer are full. T is playing on the floor when he suddenly looks up at me, worry etched on his face. “Mom am I into my overdraft?”

There is never a quiet or dull moment in my household. T has so many things he wants to know, or has an opinion on. I love all of them. Because no matter what, he knows how to make me laugh. And I treasure the smart ass quality that appears every now and than as it reassures me that a small part of me is in there. It also means he listens when M and me mock others. Not sure if that is a good life lesson, but he would learn it anyway. As long as I teach him, he can be kind in his mockery and absolutely never ever mock the person to their face. Unless a close friend who gets you. M mocks me all the time and vise versa.

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When the door closes please don’t look back

for not wracked with grief will I be;

a sense of relief, of a burden now shed

a small dance breaks from me.

The truth of it is, as Cohen’s voice caresses my skin

I am not afraid of your loss,

Not afraid that you shall flee

for I know….I know….

the worth of me.

Sensual, sexual, lusting

I will no longer hide

Do not think to shush me,

do not think to bind,

for I have found truth,

I have found expression in mine own.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 6/17

It’s been One year

So today I did something that is truly out of character for me. I went on a shopping spree. I bought myself new clothing. Work pants yes, but also a cute top/cover up and not only a skirt but a dress. Both with the vibrant colors that I love. Well the dress is a dark plum but it is color. For so long I wore colors that were drab, colors that allowed me to hide and not be noticed.

Each day I gain more and more confidence in myself. Each day I see a better me and I like her. I am happy. Happy! This in and of itself still mystifies me. Happiness was something that others had not me. My ex and me are getting along. Amicable I would venture to say. He feels that it is important for T to be with me mother’s day so he will be coming home early. To make me waffles. Frozen ones because well, he is eight.

I overspent on my budget. M told me not to worry about it. So I am not. Again this is bizarre for me. And than I am at home looking at my FB page and up pops a memory. 1 year ago today was the end of the first week of my life as a single mom and woman. 1 year ago today I began a new chapter in my life and it has been wonderful.

I have grown. I have thrived. I have been hurt, I have been played. But through it all I loved T and myself. I know my worth and I know my son’s. He is my life my love. He is funny and smart, some times a smart ass but he is turning out to be a good kid. I faced the blackness of depression but rather than be sucked into the whirlwind, I fought my way back.

I have started writing again. Poetry mostly. Sometimes my words are stilted and sometimes they just flow. I am able to see now that I am a goddess of worth. That I do not have to settle for less than I am meant to have. Not in conceit but in the knowledge of my worth. I am smart, kinda cute, well read and I like to laugh. A lot. Step up or step back. LOL tonight is an anniversary of sorts.

1 year ago my new life began for real. No more unhappiness. No more despair. Just me and my son. And I have done it.

Cheers. And Happy Anniversary to me.

I am me

I beseech you, I plead, I ask for forgiveness

but do I need it? Do I need to repent?

My actions are my own, not yours

you swore to love me, only to tear me to trash.

I can only be the woman that I am

Vibrant and alive, and I need to learn how to trust

that others will see the skin I wear

the heart that beats, enveloping all

while you still step away.

Once I cared but now I do not

I own who I am; I own myself

I no longer search or need to see

another’s response to me.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 3/17

Beauty

What do you see when you look at me?

when you value me based on societal concepts?

Do you see the way my eyes light up?

when I giggle and laugh over the stupidest things?

Or do you only see the fine lines radiating from my eyes;

the brackets from smiling around my mouth?

Would you care to know how long it took;

for me to stop covering my mouth when I laughed or smiled?

Did you see me in the dressing room, trying to find the right clothes?

the ones that I like, that I have chosen because they fit my form?

Are you aware of how long it took;

for me to look in the mirror and be proud?

I never was a Beauty Queen

I never won that award.

I flaunted my figure and used my wiles

so society would think I fit the norm.

It took me a long long time,

to be able to look in the mirror and see me

Beautiful and confident, in my own way

which is the one that society does deny.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 1/17