Lost

***Inspiration for this came out of a conversation with a friend who had sent my the lyrics to the song that ends Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I have never listened to it, well I have but never paid attention to the lyrics. As we messaged back and forth and the album was explained to me the words just began to flow.***

I once was a woman who was lost

stumbling through the darkness

wrapped in shadows and vines

unable to break free from the morass.

Paths shrouded in mystery

pain, despair, hunger and thirst

as I clawed my way forward

thorns scratching at my sides.

A crown of brambles sits low upon my brow

pricking the fine skin

trails of blood smear along my face

tears that I can no longer cry.

When sunlight does finally appear

driving away the gloom

the fog

the malaise I have suffered

I gasp in the clean fresh air

and am healed again.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 24/17

 

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So I threw my razors out…

The courage in this post is breathtaking.

An anonymous escape from life

You read the title right. Somehow…I managed to muster up the courage to throw my razors out.

Lots of things have happened since my last mental health update. In fact, TOO MUCH that I don’t want to brain-vomit everything out onto this post. To sum it all up, I recovered from the events mentioned in my last update, fell into a slump soon after, recovered from those a little, then fell back down again and over the course of a few weeks it was just ceaseless mood swings and crying my eyes out over the most petty of issues and self-harming and feeling like a complete leech.

I had no idea what to do, and was on the brink of giving up…until I had this revolutionary conversation with one of my friends and it somehow boosted my mood tenfold. Basically, it made me a lot more clear-minded and made…

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Joy

***Picture is mine taken August 29/17***

What should I do

when I see you?

For in your embrace I have found

warmth and delight,

a home which I hold onto so tight

for finally can I believe in love.

In sunshine and dance steps

on the flat of the beach

as warm water nibbles at our toes.

In laughter and desire

all rolled into one

as we cuddle before the fire.

Finally,

I can release the darkness

that forever I have carried

and embrace the joy that I have found.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 24/17

Rules for Customers

I have been working in Customer Service for 28 years. That is a long time to work with the public. I do not even know how I ended up in a career that deals with actually serving and talking to people on a daily basis, for 40+ hours a week.  And it does not even stop there.

I live in a city of approximately 15,000 or so. It still has a small town feel to it, and the grocery store where I work is one of three.  There are multiple times that I have been in doing my own grocery shopping, dressed in street clothes (as opposed to the uniform that graces my body all week long) and will be stopped in the aisles. And asked for help finding items. They all say the same thing ‘Oh I know that you are not working but it would save me time.’

Sure. Alright. I will smile and send you off in the right direction because it is the appropriate thing to do.

But I wonder what makes someone think that it is okay to ask me a question about work when I am clearly not working?

It is one thing when my staff do so, I understand and even applaud them for asking me questions when I am in shopping so we are all working from the same page. But customers? That would be like me expecting the gas attendant to pump my gas solely because he is there and it is his job. This, despite the fact that he is clearly putting gas into his own vehicle and wearing street clothes.

Working the Front End and being the last line of defense before our customers leave the store is not an easy job. We are the last ones that can turn around a bad experience. We are the ones who make sure that you have found everything that you are looking for. If you haven’t, we will do our best to find out if it is in stock and on the shelf. We are always smiling and laughing and even if our day is crap, you will never know.

But there are things, things that all customers do and they must stop. For the sanity of all cashiers please please stop.

Rules all customers need to follow (in no particular order):

  1. Do not ever say to your cashier when an item does not scan: Well if it does not scan it must be free . Than chortle like you are three and just discovered knock knock jokes. Not funny. We hear this statement over and over again. Have you ever looked up and your cashier is staring at you unblinkingly? That is because he or she is trying to summon up enough energy to smile as though it is the first time ever hearing that. Usually you get a grin full of teeth, gritted together so any smartass comments are kept in the vault.
  2. Please make full use of the conveyor belt on the till. Once the person in front of you has moved forward, please to unload your groceries. Believe it or not, but I am the one who is going to be yelled at by the five customers behind you because now they are late for some appointment or other. Also if tap is available on your card, use it. It makes life faster and easier for us all.
  3. When you are asked how your are paying, we actually need to be informed of the card type. I do not want to play guess my card type with you.
  4. I can understand your concern with how your groceries are packed. Bread and eggs should not be squashed. Pizzas should not be turned upside down. I know that cold stuff goes with cold stuff. I have been bagging groceries for 30+ years having done so when I went shopping as a kid with my mom.  (I know that there are going to be those of you who think that I am exaggerating. Here is one example: A gentleman came through my till and I was trying to talk to him. I get to the pizza and he yells at me ‘put that pizza in a bag upright will you!’ My eyes blinked rapidly and out shot: ‘Oh I am sorry sir but the only way I know how to bag pizza is upside down so all the toppings fall off.’ Yes he still shops in the store. And he still comes through my till when I am in one. But now he smiles and talks to me.)
  5. In reference to #4 please also refrain from saying to me ‘oh you do know what you are doing.’ I do believe that you might think that this is a compliment but it is not. As well I have been bagging your groceries for well over five years on a weekly basis.
  6. When using your own bags, please have them out before your order. Do not hand them to me at the end of your order and expect me to repack them from the plastic that I just put everything into.
  7. I know that you are in a hurry. And so are the other 20 people who are patiently waiting in the line ups. We are working as hard as possible to get you through. Please do not now by-pass everyone waiting in the express line up and think that I am going to serve you because you can not manage your time. You will be sent to the back of the line up and made to wait. (Again you think I exaggerate, I wish. I have customers who throw tantrums because they have to wait. And we work very quickly to get through the line ups. I have had more than one customer also thank me for the way that we handle our express lines and the fairness rule. LOL)

I spend a lot of time censoring what comes out of my mouth at work. And despite the above rules I absolutely love my job. The company I work for is wonderful. My boss whom I have written about in regards to my depression is fabulous. He makes me a better manager to my staff. I may be a little biased, but I believe I have the best staff ever. And I am always laughing and smiling.

Honestly, I love my customers too. I have so many regulars. I cannot walk through the store without someone saying hello and wanting a chat. Those are the people who make my job a pleasure to do.

My rules are really for that 1% who labor under the delusion that they are the most important people around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mommy knows best

***Picture downloaded this morning****

I recently had a conversation with an older female friend regarding males and how they view females. And how teenage girls dress in such a way so as to entice the male sex. I was appalled. I could not believe what I was hearing. I was even told I would feel the same in a few years when T became a teenage boy.

I have never been shy around T. He has seen me naked I would say up until he was about 6 or so. I know this is going to cause concernation but I had a reason. I do not want T growing up objectifying the female body. I want him to realize that that cute girl he is looking at is as anatomically designed as his mother. It is only a body.

I am not so naive as to think that T is not going to be looking at girls and having thoughts. He is a boy. And hell I remember what being a teenager felt like. I know how overactive my hormones were so I am not going all puritan here.

What I want T to learn is that a woman’s body is her own. Only she can choose whether or not to share it with you. And no matter what she wears, that is not an invitation to subject her to your asinine comments and delusion of being absolutely irresistable to everyone of the opposite sex.

This past year I finally became comfortable in my own skin. I am proud of who I am and how I look. I am wearing clothing that actually fits me. I have always hidden my body and shape.

That has more to do with the past past than it does with the here and now. However a few times I had comments made regarding my clothing and what signals I am sending.

Back the fort up people. I am 45 years old. The only signals I am sending out are the ‘I love myself, I am proud of myself, I am in a damn good place and wow am I loving my life.’ The signals I am not sending are the ones that say violate me against my wishes.

So, ultimately the way that T views the female body will be dependent on what I teach him. And here is what I am teaching him:

A woman’s body is her own. Should you choose to be an asshole and violate a woman against her wishes, you will be praying that the police find you before I do. Because son, if you disrespect a woman and violate her I am going to whoop your ass and turn you in. Dragging your ass into the Police Station by your ear.

My Ex

A while back I wrote about how my ex and me were getting along and I realized how much I had matured. Well today I took that one step further. Today I looked passed the man who made me unhappy and spoke to my friend.

This is a man who at one point and time I loved. It is not his fault nor is it mine that in the end we just were not happy together. We are such very different people with little in common. 

Today was the first time that we had a conversation in a long time. And we both laughed. Not the fake ‘yeah get out of my face you are annoying me’ laugh but a real laugh. One that sets the other to laughing. 

We also still have inside jokes and can say things to one another that we are unable to say to anyone else. There have been a few times, where I have been spitting mad and the only one I can vent to is him.

In talking with a girl friend today, she informed me that I was taking the mature route with him. All I had said was his girlfriend was good for him.

And I no longer had to take care of him.

This man is helpless as a baby attempting to organize a tea party. I sent him numerous texts regarding the dates he had T over the summer. I also sent him several screen shots of my calender so he had it. Finally his girlfriend messaged me asking what the dates were. 

That is only one example. 

I can afford to be nice and decent to him. I am happy and in a great place in my life. And I really am working hard to let go of negativity.

It was easy to be angry with my ex when I left. I was blaming him for my unhappiness. Which really is unfair because I had a hand in my own unhappiness. I could have stood firm when I tried to leave three months prior to everything imploding. 

Now though…I am in my own space. I am writing daily. My relationship with my son and mom are amazing. 

So yes, I can afford to be kind with M2. And I even like his girlfriend even though we have not really spoken. But she is excellent with T and that more than anything makes me like K3.(Lol too many K’s- best friend, Auntie and now M2’s girl friend. M1 being my bestie.)

M2 loves T with all his heart. And at the end of the day that is all that is important. He is doing his best to be a great dad. Our failure to make our marriage last aside he will always be my friend.