Forever more

Engage the mind before the body;

and her soul will be yours;

forever more.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 22/19

Advertisements

Fantasy Love

Once I thought that I knew what love was

warm sugary feelings

Wrapped around me like grandma’s blanket.

But that is not love.

Love is………

arguing yet still accepting one another.

Love is……..

never seeing one another but know you are there

Love is…….

the ability to see passed your faults and moving forward.

It is not a wonder that love has passed on by

for I dream of a love found in books and fairy tales

Not the love that is really extended.

So I shall say so long and farewell

For I can no longer keep up this fantasy.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 22/17

Love Abandoned

When tomorrow comes so does the rage

the time I spent building

I huddle within myself

trying to come together.

I lost so much time, not being me

but being the mannequin you desired

Smart and cute I cannot maintain the facade

but allow it to fall and shatter.

What made me think I could play?

What made me think that I could endure?

Sick and silly love, that is what it does

turns you from the hero

to the child that snivels on the floor.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 22/17

Love Failed

On the morrow when my heart is breaking

when the tears are filling mine eyes

I will seek for thee

in memory.

I will watch with wonder as once more

our love does grow so wild

I will watch with agony as we come undone

bitter in such defeat.

Once upon a time came to us

once upon a time we failed

Once upon a time winter’s snow did creep

and the blackness enthralled.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 22/17

It only took a year……

T and me, we started this new journey of life a year ago this month. I upset his daily routine by moving from the home I shared with his father into an apartment. I upended his life by falling out of love with the man I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. Shit happens. Wrong people marry and to carry on would have resulted in a child who would have had commitment problems as he aged. (Look at myself and the bro……children of divorce, father was a total louse and neither of us were/are interested in marriage.) So two years ago this upcoming October I told my ex that I no longer loved him and well……how could you not see the problems?

That is not what this is about. When T and me moved, I had my mattress (a king size that I still am not use to sleeping in alone. Am finally beginning to sleep all over but for the passed year I have still been sleeping in ‘my’ spot-makes it easy when I don’t want to fold clothes, they go on the other side ha ha ha) T had a mattress. I got my bed frame, a romantic piece of work. All curly curves and open and a light color!!!!!! My ex liked everything dark thus I am rebelling and everything I now have is a light color. (This includes my new clothing save for yoga pants and shorts. They are still black)

Let us fast forward through a year of trying desperately to get T to sleep in his own room. I have bribed him, I have cajoled him, yelled at him. There have always been excuses. The ‘moo moo’s’ have returned to live in his closet. (Imaginary scary animals that are not cows from when he was 3) The angry people living under his bed despite it being on the floor. It has been a disaster zone from day one.

I promised him that when I received some money this weekend that we would go to Ikea and finally get him a bed frame. Only problem is the money was suppose to be deposited into my account and instead they sent a cheque to my ex. (Long story short back pay for ex for last year’s CTC from government) so no money in my account. I was going to wait until next weekend but M finagled the truck from her son so I decided what the hell? The ex will give me my share next week and off we went.

As seen in the picture up above, T is pumped. This is the same bed frame that we looked at last year. Exactly the one that he wanted. It was 15% off. Done. And than we walked around Ikea. And I listened to T whine and mutter about how he was dying of thirst. No word of a lie, he followed behind me panting and pulling at his shirt like it was 600 degrees in there. I am pms’ing. I was ready to kill him. When I had to go and get the trolley to lay my large boxes on I told him to stay with M. And she knew so she kept him for me.

Got home and a friend came over to help me put the bed together as opposed to M and me doing it. And thank goodness I asked. I would still be attempting to put that bed together right now had he not. M would be cursing my name. Cursing T’s name. But sometimes I can be a little smarter. My bed frame, king size was so easy to put together, here I was assembling some bomb or something because oh my god!!!! The directions were so complex and really why is there nothing in writing? Why all pictures? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

As you can see though, T has his bed frame and loves it. Bed time last night and in he went no problems. And his room is clean. Today I am going to Rug Doctor his carpets and move his couch in there. Once I have a table for him, I will bring out the spare t.v. and hook the Playstation up for him so he can watch Netflix and Youtube. Despite the way I was feeling yesterday I am thrilled that T is happy. And it isn’t like I can’t use the newly purchased bed frame to milk a few chores out of him. ‘Cause that is just how this parent rolls. (LOL)

Tarnished Paladan

The flames lick at me, scorching the armor I bear

weighing me down, pulling me further into the abyss.

I hear my princess scream, resistant

battling her way back from defeat.

I crawl forward on hands and knees

the keening I make? Or is that my soul?

I only know that I cannot give up,

I must go forward.

Forward to the woman I love,

forward to the future ordained,

Forward to the depths of hell

all so……

This story is old, as old as can be.

A King, A Queen, The Princess

and the knave that has her heart.

Only this time, there is no happy ending

there is no fond farewell.

There is only horror and hell

blood and pain

dancing in the slashing rain.

Insanity and narcissism

power and rage,

this is no fairy tale,

there will be no bliss.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 19/17

 

Broken Princess

Slumped against the wood grained door

my sword clatters to the ground.

I can no longer take the beating,

I can no longer hold the weight of my head.

Their psychic battle savages my mind;

pulling and pushing as they try to claim.

Each one wanting to lock into my soul

and pull it into their realm of hell.

I do not know how much longer I can hold on,

I can find no hole to hide.

A tangled web of colored illusions

the sole shield I can muster;

as I try to escape their rage.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

May 19/17