Monsters

Monsters
creep round and round
no longer content to hide under the bed.
Crawling from the gutter
from stolen dreams
from abuse endured
from abandoment
from harming oneself.
Monsters find a way.
Gaining a foothold
hiding in plain sight
fooling the unsuspecting.
Using slight of hand
puffs of smoke
distraction
from the real plays.
Rear up
Rile up
Tear them all apart
until we confront the Monsters
until we no longer bargain our fears
until we stand…..
But we never will stand
The Monsters have created sheep
and with that…..
they have won.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 11/18
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Obstinate

Tick tock
where’s the clock
already I am scared
for when midnight comes
the beast will run
filling me with dread.
Fingers digging
‘neath the bed hiding
I know he can’t see me.
Fuck no.
Dragged out
nails digging into the floor
scratch marks
do not think I went softly
do not think I did not cry.
The monster came
the monster did bite
and forever more
I shall fight.
I know what I face.
I know what I faced.
I am a Princess.
I am a Warrior.
I am that woman  you fear.
Why?
l know what I want
I know what I need…
Never again
will I fall to my knees. 
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 10/18
Picture via: Photo by Nadi Whatisdelirium on Unsplash

Afraid

I am afraid.
Afraid that time will forget
nay that people will forget
the history of our world.
They will cease to be concerned
about the bloodshed
the rapes
the murders.
Instead they will applaud the decimation
of cultures
of peoples
of lives
not like their own.
I am afraid.
Afraid that by the time my child grows
there will be no ozone
there will be no polar bears
no water falling from the sky.
I am afraid.
Afraid that the world will be overtaken
by egomaniacs
by thugs in suits
by the brainless insensitive ones.
I do not want to be afraid.
I want to stand up
not only for myself as a woman
but for the men and women
the children
that have been made less
by the powers that be.
We have forgotten 
that we….
the people are the ones with power
not those in the sandbox.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
May 23/18

Brain Stutter

So this week there have been a few odd hitches that have begun to make me think.

  1. I was telling someone about how when I went for a walk on Sunday the side of the road I was on did not have a sidewalk. However, I actually forgot the word sidewalk and while running my hands out like a walkway, said ‘You know the thing, that thing you walk on.’ Oh yeah, I am using it as a great story now. And it proves I can laugh at myself.
  2. I also forgot the word schedule.
  3. Today, when I got up I went to feed the cats. Well,  I would have made them wait but for the meowing of ‘Mom we are so hungry. Mooooooooooooooom feed us feed us now!’ I open up the fridge and stare in there stupified. I really thought that last night I had only used half a can of the cat food. Oh well, maybe I was wrong so I pulled another can out of the cupboard and fed them. I did put that can into the fridge.

I was going to take a lazy day but instead decided that I would clean the apartment. I mean, clean and than have the rest of today, all day Sunday and half the day Monday to myself. As I am cleaning, I go to put away the sandwich bags that have been sitting on the counter. I open the cupboard and lo and behold what the hell do I find? The can of cat food from last night. I honestly have absolutely no recall as to why I would have done this. The cupboard it was in is above the sink not even near the fridge. It is where I keep Polysporin, lotions for the cats when they scratch or their ears. Cough syrup for Tember. No reason for me to put cat food in there.

This got me thinking. For those of you who have followed along on my journey this past winter, you may be or are aware of the fact that I used pills to sedate myself. Easy enough to get over the counter back medicine and I took a lot. As an aside in 4 days I am going to have been clean for 150 days. 5 months. Not a pill at all. Other than my medication and vitamins. Not even when I get headaches.

Okay the brag fest is over. Let me get back to my thoughts. I am beginning to wonder how much damage I have done to myself. Are these little brain stutters due to all the pills that I took?

Than there is the high levels of iron that may (probably has) been caused by my excessive drinking. Liver damage there.

And I have done this all to myself. I am not asking for sympathy but I wonder what further complications I am going to end up developing?

If I could turn back time, well I would not be the woman that I am today. I would be someone different. But I would give anything to have not abused my body and my brain the way that I did.

Queen of Fools

A Queen
born to a court of Fools.
Laughing and playing.
Praying and feinting.
Secrets made bold by blood.
Backrooms
filled with smoke
bourbon
opiates
all are content
for never the truth
be told.
Standing upon the world stage
blinded by power and indifference
orphaned and forlorn
a child discarded.
Broken and battered.
Scattered from here to there.
Seeds sown on the wind
war is coming
annihilation has begun.
Tears escape
scalding hot
as carnage
does unfold.
Queen of Fools
in a court of gold
worshipped a diety
bowing beneath the blows.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Lethargy

Silent slumbers left untended
as midnight begins to weep
remembrance of times forgotten
before purity had peaked.
Hands reaching out
peace unto thee
simpler times
when man did care.
Man has never cared
as evolution shows
bigger and better
smarter and brighter
oxymorons when playing the game.
Missiles flying through the air
shadow words strung out
secrets gained
while all around
the clowns dance through the night.
Strung up and mishandled
puppets left to be twisted
jesters calling wicked sins
while the king beats his mistress.
Time has stopped
and will go no further
until all have awakened
shaken free
from the bindings of lethargy.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Gilded Cage

Broken and bruised
tattered and torn
eyes haunted with stories untold.
Drifting
uncertain where to turn
until you are washed up
upon the shores of time.
I heard the screams again last night
the brutal rage
it throbbed and rang
filling the air
until I could take no more.
You allow this.
I do not understand
why can you not break free?
What keeps you within the gilded cage
when he beats you
and rapes you
making you less than….
I told you that this was the last time
I would stand by no more
and so I did
shattering him to the core.
I sit in the car
red light bleeding over my face
and though I know I shall burn;
the relief
the smile
that I saw upon your face
will make me happy forever more.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen