Triumphant

Dark abyss
toes curl over the edge
vertigo
looking over
should I fall
or back away.
Depths of blackness
clothed in hair shirt
chastising self 
sins not my own
muddied tears fall
so much easier to….. 
let go.
Eyes flutter open
heart
pounding
drenched in sweat
with fear.
Time I want not to return
time where I resided
died within
withered arms of deranged lover
who beat me
whispered
perverted words of love
I believed
for I had no one.
It took a leap
into ebony fissure
flowing liquid over cracked face
riding the wind
accepting
collecting
damaged parts of myself
amalgamating
into…..
flawed beauty.
Renewal of life
light
within
reaching for dreams
soaring
I am alive again.
©Jan. 2/20
Picture is mine

New Year…..New Me…..New Decade….New Everything

I watched the sun rise
faint pink blush
golden pulses fill the sky
hues of purple
sense of serenity
sense of peace
finally here
in my happy place.
I struggled.
I abused myself.
I tried to hide.
I am not that little girl.
I am not that frightened teenager.
I am not that beaten/destroyed woman.
No longer afraid…..
of what life has to offer.
To dream.
To love.
To chase what I want.
To be me…..
Writer.
Mother.
Daughter.
Sister.
There is more to me
than these four facets…..
there is adoration
there is pride
there is determination…..
I leave behind me
a decade/life time
of pain
of anger/rage
of despair
of thoughts no longer there.
I begin this New Year
this New Decade
strong
beautiful
and solely
100 %
Me.
©Dec. 31/19
Picture is my own

Charmed Monsters

Longing
yearning
ever so tired
grey is the day
this life
this path I trod.
Where is the light?
Where is the joy?
No Eden can I find.
The past…..
Free wheeling
dealing card after card
pain
humility
hungering
feeding upon the blackness
the evil
rooted within.
My past…..
No longer allowed to define
to dictate…..
Cut away
carve away
sword
epee
skewered to the ground
demons chained
eased with dosed medication
mine to do with as I will.
These daemons
still reside within
gentle murmurs
holding pain
holding fear
now my protectors
I need no longer beware.
Sanctuary found
hellions bound
labor of love.
This me
beauty and beast
all rolled into one.
©Dec. 30/19
Picture is part of my Positivity wall

Word of the Day Challenge #79-Untitled Poem

Woven
fantasies
dreams
of what I really want.
I try to deny
pretend
that love is an idea
not anything I am meant for.
Pain deflected
sly smile
shuttered eyes
I have released hope
allowed it to sail away
never to come back.
This heart of mine
colored black
barb wired sharp
honed to strike
asp bite
bitter tears cried
why
where did it
do I go wrong?
Why when I peek
let my fantasies through
love is first on the list
to hold
to have
to be desired
that is all I…..
taking a hiatus
following a path of my own
what come shall be of my own making
no more running
no more fleeing
I am opening myself to everything.
©Dec. 28/19
Picture is my own

Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 
Do you see?
Frightened eyes
closed to pain
closed to darkness
absorbed
wrapped in a past
chains biting
reality a rarity
easier to be drunk
easier to be stoned
numbed by pills
aching to be held
no one is there
only myself.
Do you hear?
In ears
stoppered
closed
voices still penetrate
scolding
abusing
no one loves
no one wants
kill yourself
no one will care.
Never ceasing.
Constant tirade of my thoughts
berating
my wrongness
my loneliness
a barrage of self abuse
for I am worthless.
How far do you fall?
I fell.
I continued to fall
a lazy
constant summer circle
no safety net
only a desperate need to control
to destroy
to silence that voice.
How does one gauge?
How does one decide to live or to die?
How can one want to live so badly
yet want to die too?
I chose to live.
I choose to live.
The tears I shed
for the little girl
so long unprotected
for the woman
who hid so long.
I chose to live.
I chose to accept…..
I am pain.
I am rage.
I am fierce protection.
I am the little girl
the teenager
the scalded woman
become anew
into the strong beautiful woman that is me.
©Dec. 23/19
Picture is my own

It Might be Me Time

I decided that I was going to do something nice for myself as well as helping out the ex so I took holidays from Dec. 27-Jan 5th. I have never done this. As I said in part was to help ex as it is his week and Tember is still out of school. Well Tember has decided he is going to his best friend’s. Which means I am alone for 7 days.

Which lead me to do some calculations. It has been well over a year since I have been alone for a stretch of time. And I am not sure what to do with myself.

Sure I will enjoy my ability to run around apartment stark naked but that will last all of thirty seconds and I will be freezing.
I can watch what I want. Already do that.
And then I realized…..I am going to have some serious me time. To read. To write. To sleep in? We all know that won’t happen.

It will be my time. To work with myself for myself. Sounds odd but an up coming post will make that statement make sense.

And to run around naked from dusk til dawn…..in my dreams.

Dec. 20/19
Picture is my own. Was burning incense and smoke was hanging in air. Snapped a few shots and played around. I like how it turned out.

I Aver….

****7 Days****
Whispers
Close
A sound unheard
Tremble
Lost
Blackened Demons
Fire set
Burn you at the stake
Diving
Delving
Shredding your brain
With deadly thoughts
Scored with poison
Bitter thorns embed
Tearing fragile flesh
Gnawing tender bones
Sucking emotioned marrow clean
Sunken
Dead eyed
Walking through life a shadow
Ever afraid
To face yourself.
To see the truth.
You are beauty.
You are faith.
You are love.
You my darling 
You are more than enough
Come close
Myself
Broken
Bruised
Place weary head to shoulder
Sleep now
You guarded me well
Rest 
I will guide us 
I will love us
I will live for us
This I promise.
©Dec. 18/19
Picture is my own