Wicked Witch

All day long I have been trying to rationalize, look at it from every angle, but still at the end of it I am totally flabbergasted. I was not even aware that there was a problem.

I was a small nugget of success for a short while today. I was feeling good, hell I had not even shed a tear yet. And than things happened.

And culminated in a man I do not know tell me in a very loud voice how I was mean and despised and the Wicked Witch of the West. The loathing that enveloped me from this human being almost sent me to my knees. I could only stand there wide eyed and aghast. My worst nightmare had just come true. Someone literally listed all my faults, out loud, in public, to my face.

I moved on. I gritted my teeth, and with only a few chin quivers I did what I had to do. Barely. The urge, the need to scream my despair, the tears that battered to be let loose, were violent lashings against my psyche. The psyche that this morning was a rosy pink but now was more of a brownish yellow sludge.

I was finally relieved and able to fly off but it was an ugly cry. I shuddered, snot running out of my nose, I couldn’t see I was sobbing so hard. Have you ever had a man who is not a relative or married to you try to comfort you? LOL while they have the best intentions they just don’t know what to do.

Girl posse to the rescue. One made me sit on her lap while I sobbed and snoted on her shoulder. She than ran off to get girl #2 cause as she put it she was sick of my snot on her sweater and she was sharing the wealth. And they raged. And they roared. And they gave me back myself.  They rebuilt what had been shattered.

I still wasn’t perfect. Tears still leaked from my eyes. But they gave me back that sense of pride in myself. As did the man attempting to comfort me who is neither relative nor husband and he did a good job.  I will not allow one small person to derail my progress. I will not allow one small man to have this much control over how I see myself. No more will I fear being too strong, too harsh, too unforgiving. For I have been and I ended up being kicked in the teeth.

I take deep breaths. And I let them out. Tonight I am going to obliterate. I am going to sink into decadence and pleasure and wash the negativity of the day away. I will burn my incense and melt my scented wax, and I will not allow this to drag me under. It nearly did, I nearly drowned in the undertow, but I have a crew who dragged me back and I love them for that.

Not as Sane as I Should be

A year and a bit ago when I left my husband I stopped taking all my pills. I felt wonderful. Free. I was on the right path for me.

Today as I laid on the couch writhing with fear, my anxiety breaching the walls that I have erected to keep it out, I wondered if that was a sensible thing to do.

When last I saw my doctor about my depression he warned me that I might need to be on pills forever. I was devastated. Really? Pills forever? I just could not fathom that. Nor did I want to. Depression is a stigma all by itself, depression and medication and everyone who knows covertly looks at you, they take your heartbeat. They listen to how you speak and wonder if you are not a little coo-coo. Been there. Done that. Don’t want to go back. But today, today was the day that I wondered, that I thought about it.

I was off for a total of three days. Three days that I was not in contact with my store. And this morning, I huddled on my couch in fear. I must have fucked up something so huge that when I got to work today I was done. I texted my second begging for reassurance. I received it like .50 minutes before I had to go to work.

I am monitoring my blood pressure. It is high before and after work. Right on the ball at night. I am every where, the reason why I think that I need to start retaking medication is so I can calm down. Thankfully my second totally lives the same life as me. She lives with depression and anxiety. She gets me when I text and say what did I fuck up, did you fix it and is it okay to come into work today?

I know this is all over the place, I know what I have to do. First, I need to restart taking my meds. This will help with my anxiety. If there is a second and third I am not aware of it. Disjointed writing disjointed needs. I must make a dr appt