Who will Know?

Cold
clink of ice cubes
sweetness
slides down my throat
imaginary toasts
better than drinking alone
salute fallen comrades
there are none
make up a few
anything to justify
make it easier to swallow
mister of mouth
liquid exquisite
hate self
wicked circle
go
round
round
round
til there is no more.
Fearing
who will see
who will discover
liar that is me?
Count down
minutes
seconds
til bliss over tongue
flows
take away pain
inhibitions
love the flavor
I know it means death
so sorry
want to quit
want to ignore seduction
so hard
this is addiction
naked truth
bullying me
wish I had the strength…..
©May 17/20
Picture via Pinterest
Prompted by today’s Word of The Day Challenge/Prompt: https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/05/17/intimacy/

Shadowed Queen

Upon precipice
toes curled
tipped over edge
beneath
shadow plagued
valley
screams
blooded swords
screaming horses
hoards
clash of armour
rank upon rank
falling
beneath stoned gaze.
Lips curled
venomous tongue
rip
tear
gouge
holes in my soul
slice free my heart
gore
slipping from my fingers
to the floor.
Grotesque
face ravaged
body battered
rage
gathering
step forward
falling into nothing
screaming
flames rushing higher.
Conflagration
sins seared
at my feet
desperate men
at my side
succulent succubus
nevermore
shall we fear.
©March 23/20
Picture via Pinterest

Darkness Recedes

***I am not entirely sure what is setting me off but I am having a lot of different emotions roiling around in me. Of late some of my poetry is about reclamation of self and I apologize if the theme seems tedious. I have been thinking a lot about my breakdown at the end of 2017 and that as well has a bearing on my work. I am doing just fine and am in a great space. I do not want anyone to worry.***
Stretching
reaching for the sky
touch my toes
limber.
In the mirror
a woman I see
where once
I turned my eyes
looking
anywhere but there…..
Witch
Ogre
Booger
ugly I thought I was
no good
not worth
anything
to
anyone.
Crawled
mired in hidden rage
addiction sought
choked with sin
I did not want to die.
I did not know how to ask…..
how to say…..
Strength has left me
I need a hand
no longer this path can I walk.
Bleeding inside
torn to shreds
anyone 
please…..
Tides since turned
phoenix newly risen
glorying in my strength
in my abilities
greeting each day
with thoughts of joy
with thoughts of life.
Every year forward
leaves her behind
broken
battered
child that I was.
No longer carrying blackness.
No longer carrying pain.
No longer does living hurt.
Raise my face to the sun
basking in my gloried return.
©Feb. 25/20
Picture via Pinterest

Absolution of Self

Ever sat
deep pit welling inside
blank eyed stare
sunlight does not penetrate
darkness
no less inkier
than the space I am in.
Trembling
black chasm
right beneath my feet
blinded so
by the roaring voices
pushing out all other thoughts
all other sounds.
Falling
arms spread out
let me go
I hate you
it is my turn
it is my time……..
Vicious
lips drawn in rage
I turn back
face to face
I will battle
I will win
I will never
not ever
fall to my knees
chained by the past
from which
I have broken free.
Bowed head
on my knees
shattered
not beaten
not again shackled
trapped in whirling vortex…..
I am free.
I loosed the beast
roar into the night
fly
my fears
my addictions
my hurts
my angers
leave me……
Absolved.
A babe born anew
a canvas
awaiting
awakening
to the beauty within.
©Feb. 24/20
Picture is my own

Death’s Desire

The masks I wear
Beneath a face
None see
None realize
Is yet another masque
Fear
Ruler of this domain
Laughter maniacal
Sending chills
Down my back
Birthing
Insanity
Clutching at the bars
The door lockless
Handleless
No escape
Only hell beneath my feet
It is not easy
Day after day
To play this person I am not
Assuring all
Never again will I fall
Never again will I fail
Yet knowing
There is no net beneath my feet
No current upon which to rise
Blood let
Seeps red crimson
Pain is gone
For me at least
Yours is just beginning.

I am sorry

©Feb. 19/20
Picture is my own

Word of the Day Challenge #87-Untitled Poem

This is not in any way shape or form of how I am feeling now.

Black
welling to the surface
vicious
tying me in place
fear holding me
I want to come back
I want to be me
not this wraith you see.
In my mind
a vacuum
roiling
memories
painted scarlet with terror
recalling
half remembered dreams.
Or are they dreams?
Lost
moving listlessly
path before
shrinking
smaller and smaller
head down
I cannot find the sun
I cannot find the warmth
I reach for.
deadly in its recurrence
tearing me down
to the ground
driving me to perfection
if only so I am still useful
so people will still like me.

Cyclical depression can become.
Voices…..
sounding so like your own
chiding
tearing
roaring all your wrongs.
There really is no escape.
There really is no hope.
All I can do is carry on
smile upon my lips
fear upon my heart.
See not my pain…..
See not my terror…..
see only…..
the facade I show.
©Feb. 19/20
Picture is my own

Haunted Darkness

Dark
twisted hallways
buried deep
seen only
when half asleep
memories
of horror
rage
pain
begin to stir
begin to stretch
grave worms clawing to the surface.
Walk in a fugue
diseased mind
any out
any way
running
never sure why
from what
only searching
seeking
escape
haunted nightmares.
Grievous pain
knife wounds
stabbed tip
over
over
over
digging hole
to feel
if only for a while.
Bruised eyes
sleep
in death
in life
monsters wait
demons
vampires
no retreat.
This is life
abused
mistrusted
alone
no friends are near
endless screams
pummel
broken skin
anything to stop feeling
anything to eradicate……
haunted memories.
©Feb. 11/20
Picture is my own