I am sitting here having my coffee this morning a little tired and cranky. I could easily pass it off onto the cats who were doing the chase around the house at 3:23 a.m. using myself as a part of their obstacle course but this is not the sole reason.
For those who don’t know the whole story let me give you a bit of history. It has been 2.5 years since the Ex and me split. He fought me tooth and nail that we would share custody of T. Sharing is different from joint custody. Shared is a straight 50/50 split. One week T is with me, one week with his dad. Not always perfect but it has worked.
This passed January, the Ex’s girlfriend began going to school during the day and had to work nights. As does he. So I agreed that T could come and spend the nights here while they were working. It was going to be for six months. She is done next month.
Beginning of April when I returned to work I explained to the Ex that he would need to stop here and pick T up on his way home from work Saturday a.m. as I began at 9. This is when I learned that for the previous month and a half, he has not been working Friday nights. Yet he not only did not tell me, he also did not pick T up until mid-Saturday afternoons. Well I guess you would think that shock would be my most prominent feeling. It wasn’t. I was more resigned.
T has been mentioning to me that his dad spends little time with him. Always in the shop working. Or on the weekends drinking. Hanging out with his friends. And T is suppose to stay until Monday mornings but has been coming home on Sunday for the last several weeks.
I received a text in the middle of the night. Well, 1:40 a.m. I woke up realizing that I had heard my phone go off. Before everyone is like wth is her phone on for I have two reasons. 1) T was at a sleepover at M’s. And despite her being a nurse and my inability to do anything were something to happen given that we live an hour apart, I leave my phone on just in case. 2) Mom. Again, I know that I can do nothing if something happens to her, but I don’t want to be waking up to a call from my bro about it.
I had been lead to believe that the Ex would not be home until today from his fishing weekend. That he works tonight so T would be staying with me. The working part is correct however he came home yesterday. The text was from his girlfriend. Or rather should I say ex-girlfriend. They had just broken up.
She was messaging me to ask that I keep T today until she was done moving out. That she did not want him to see that. I messaged her back and than shot a text to the Ex asking WTF? I have yet to hear from him. I don’t expect to because he is going to be hung over and dealing with a bitchy ex-wife is probably not at the top of his to do list.
We, she and I messaged for about an hour. His drinking is getting worse. He is not acting like himself. Refusing to change. Refusing responsibility except to himself. And it was never clearer to me that I had married a man so like my dad I am disgusted with myself.
Drink. Wreck lives. Pass out. Contrition. Rinse. And Repeat.
He is charming I will give him that. When he wants to be. But as a companion he sucks shit. She said to me last night that she hoped he would learn to love again. Now that could be a shot a me for destroying his ability but it wasn’t. The truth of the matter is that the Ex, he loves himself first and foremost. T, the ex-girlfriend, me we are/were pulled into his orbit. I have been able to pull myself out but T he is still there.
I am sad really. Sad because I believe that beneath the infantile man who puts his needs and wants before everyone else, is someone who could be a really great dad. Who could teach his son how to be a kind and decent man. Sad because I stand on the sidelines watching my child hurt and can only ease the pain so much. Sad because I am watching history repeat itself.
Benign neglect is more disheartening than straight up neglect.
There is always that hope that the other person with change. It is a futile wish.
**Photo is mine taken at Matlock Beach, Manitoba last summer**
So this week there have been a few odd hitches that have begun to make me think.
- I was telling someone about how when I went for a walk on Sunday the side of the road I was on did not have a sidewalk. However, I actually forgot the word sidewalk and while running my hands out like a walkway, said ‘You know the thing, that thing you walk on.’ Oh yeah, I am using it as a great story now. And it proves I can laugh at myself.
- I also forgot the word schedule.
- Today, when I got up I went to feed the cats. Well, I would have made them wait but for the meowing of ‘Mom we are so hungry. Mooooooooooooooom feed us feed us now!’ I open up the fridge and stare in there stupified. I really thought that last night I had only used half a can of the cat food. Oh well, maybe I was wrong so I pulled another can out of the cupboard and fed them. I did put that can into the fridge.
I was going to take a lazy day but instead decided that I would clean the apartment. I mean, clean and than have the rest of today, all day Sunday and half the day Monday to myself. As I am cleaning, I go to put away the sandwich bags that have been sitting on the counter. I open the cupboard and lo and behold what the hell do I find? The can of cat food from last night. I honestly have absolutely no recall as to why I would have done this. The cupboard it was in is above the sink not even near the fridge. It is where I keep Polysporin, lotions for the cats when they scratch or their ears. Cough syrup for Tember. No reason for me to put cat food in there.
This got me thinking. For those of you who have followed along on my journey this past winter, you may be or are aware of the fact that I used pills to sedate myself. Easy enough to get over the counter back medicine and I took a lot. As an aside in 4 days I am going to have been clean for 150 days. 5 months. Not a pill at all. Other than my medication and vitamins. Not even when I get headaches.
Okay the brag fest is over. Let me get back to my thoughts. I am beginning to wonder how much damage I have done to myself. Are these little brain stutters due to all the pills that I took?
Than there is the high levels of iron that may (probably has) been caused by my excessive drinking. Liver damage there.
And I have done this all to myself. I am not asking for sympathy but I wonder what further complications I am going to end up developing?
If I could turn back time, well I would not be the woman that I am today. I would be someone different. But I would give anything to have not abused my body and my brain the way that I did.
I would like to thank Kranti over at Sparklingthoughts for nominating me for the 3 Day Quote Challenge. Please head over and check out her blog.
I was scrolling through FB this morning looking for a quote that resonated with me. I am not one of those people who has a ton that speak to her. Every so often though one jumps out and screams ‘Jay I am over here! Right here under your nose and I will mean something if only you look a little closer.’ Just as this one did.
I have/had a real problem with allowing others to influence my life. What I thought and felt about myself. I need/needed to be reassured that I was liked, valued, wanted and good at what I do/did. I imagine that it is a confidence thing. One I am trying to correct. Allowing them to steal not only my fire but my passion as well. Hence the problem with hiding away behind pills and alcohol. (This is not an issue now, I have learned how to stand so firm and that voice in my head has pretty much faded to black.)
I need this to remind me that I am my own power. The only way that I can let anyone steal my fire, my passion is if I allow them to. So I have saved this to my phone so when I begin to feel taken apart, I can look at it and remind myself that no one can take from me anything that I do not want them to.
This is going to be a wee bit of a brag.
T has informed me that the time has come for me to move beyond my poetry to short stories. He would like to see me stories like his. The Adventures of Pickle. Kids book he has created.
I have been mulling over an idea or what I thought the idea was going to be. Last night I grabbed my notebook and opened up a new page in Evernote Notebook Fiction. I wrote for an hour. At times my fingers flew across the keyboard as my character began to take shape. Imagine my surprise when my main character morphed from male to female and the male lead is becoming a secondary character.
I wrote 1249 words last night.
I could have continued writing but than I would only be going to bed now. I have not written a short story since the early 2000’s. I am so excited and even now she is hovering at the edge of my conscious poking me as though saying ‘Hey Jay what are you doing? I am here, c’mon let’s get going I have so much to tell you.”