My Dream

There are no words
no soothing moments
healing the pain 
scraping free 
fresh flesh
covering the burns.
I am lost.
I no longer know
truth
reality
falsehood
lies
I must rely on the clues
the ones that I read.
So easy to disassemble
to ignore
the pain that we have caused.
Not you
not me
all could have been avoided
had you listened 
had I listened
to words we had spoken.
Am still unsure
how you clicked on that word
how you created a fantasy
from a misunderstanding
but you did.
I never said I would fuck another
I said
he would never give up.
I never gave in.
I was true.
From that first time 
to the last time
I fucked no one my dear
but you.
I opened my heart
I imagined a future
one now destroyed
because 
I think 
you saw what you wanted
what you believed would be done.
Never realizing
I was not a little girl
but a woman
unwilling to play games.
I told you.
I warned you.
I was not willing to play.
I am an adult 
no time for make believe.
I want…..
truth
love
loyalty
in the man I dream of.
 
January 21/19

Denial

Placid.
Stagnant.
Floating upon the scum of the pond
hair streaming
no cares
no feelings
numbness
all that I need.
With nothing
there is no pain
there is no fear
there is no acknowledging that past.
With nothing
I am blurred
I am stoned
I no longer seek to understand
who I am.
Why I am.
Broken child.
Halo bent.
Satan is waiting.
A lot of learning
yet to be done.
Yearning.
Please understand.
I hate myself.
I love myself.
I speak in tongues.
There is no real happiness
no reality
for denial is one.
Oct. 34/18
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash