Behaving Badly

I think that I am beginning to burn out a little bit.
Only back from holidays 6 weeks ago and am already counting down  to my week off in New Year.
Irritable.
Temper.
And I suppose I could blame it on menopause but I refuse to cop out that way.
While a portion might be due to hormones the balance is based on behaviour from adults that I am subjected to.
M: Ma’am you can go ahead and place your groceries on the conveyor.
****There is more then 2 meters between end of till where you put your groceries and the other end where paying.
C: She is not wearing a mask. I am not wanting to get that close.
***I look at the young lady paying who is one of my co-workers and not at work and we say nothing.
C: Why are people not wearing masks?
M: Until the gov’t mandates it we are unable to enforce it. All we can do is encourage our customers to wear a mask.
C: Well they have to wear them to go into Wal-mart and Superstore.
M: Ma’am they ask that customers wear masks however they cannot force them to wear them.
C: Well at least they try. I will not be shopping here again.
***Three grocery stores in town. In the two that have said masks are mandatory even staff are not all wearing masks. Where I work it is mandatory for staff to be masked. It is a part of our uniform.
I was in check out 1 yesterday afternoon.
Express.
I turn to smile at my approaching customer and realize that she has more then 15 items in her cart.
As I go to point this out to her she announces that she has three separate orders.
Really?
A customer is standing behind her so I called across to my supervisor:
M: L could you please take my next customer. She has three orders here.
Did I bellow loudly?
Yes I did.
This is not the first time that she will do this and it is not the last time either.
And she is smug about it.
Could not care less that there was a line up behind her.
And she wanted paper.
I put the last order in paper and turned while she and her friend loaded her cart.
I heard a rip and turned to see that she had grabbed the bag and pulled it up from the top.
No I did not offer her another bag.
I turned and began my next order.
It is not often that I will outright be a bitch to a customer.
Not often at all.
And it takes a lot to push me to that brink but of late there are more and more customers that seem to be succeeding.
In a time where we need more kindness, more consideration, more understanding I am seeing more selfishness, less care, less kindness.
More about what is in it for me?
More what are you going to give me?
More rolling of eyes.
More bad behaviour.
I have been told that if I am going to clean a till I should do it properly.
Want to know what I was thinking at that time?
I have been told multiple times not to put the bread on the bottom of the bag.
By children.
Customers who I could have given birth to are giving me a snotty attitude.
Looking down or rather up at me because I work in a ‘menial’ job.
Well my menial job is more important than that one that has you sitting behind a desk every day pushing buttons.
Tell me again who rang your groceries through?
Tell me again who stocked the shelves holding the groceries that you purchased?
Those of us with ‘menial’ jobs are the ones who silently stand taking your abuse, your lectures, your snide tone, your expectations that you are to be treated as if the Queen of England.
The derision you treat me with, that you treat my co-workers with, that you feel it is okay to make someone who is providing you with a service to cry and feel second class will rebound tenfold.
Karma is always watching.
And if we are lucky we get to watch it in action.
I apologize this was not suppose to be a rant and rave post.
But I am tired.
So tired of what I am seeing.
Unkindness.
Meanness.
Selfishness.
Heartlessness.
Stupidity.
I want Tember to be so much better…..so much more…..but how do I ask him to do so when all around he sees adults acting badly?
©Oct. 30/20
Picture is my own

Always Happy? Impossible he Says…..

Yesterday I had a customer tell me that it was impossible for me to always be good. 
That there had to be times when I was down.
Or someone made me mad.
And yes that is true. 
But I am learning to not allow them to consume me.
When I am down I will always come back up. 
I have learned this.
When I get mad yes I vent.
I put them into writing and out into the ether.
And I let go.
 
This is not a new topic for me.
My happiness.
How so new it is too me still.
2 years since working through the trauma that had occurred to me as a child.
2 years since I was miserable all the time.
Unhappy.
Tense.
Anxious.
Sad.
Falling short.
Unimportant.
My list goes on and on.
That is not how I see myself now.
 
I have worked really hard to be where I am today.
This level of alrightness.
This level of contentedness.
This level of me.
I am teary eyed as I am writing this.
Writing those words.
There are days that I know I rock.
There are days that it is understood.
But I am always strong. 
I am always smiling.
I have learned a lot in these last two years.
 
Being present.
 
I use to have everything planned.
To the tee.
I was planning for my retirement.
I had contingency plans for the contingency plans.
I was uptight.
My blood pressure was out of this world.
I was drinking a lot. 
I made Tember cry.
I shy away from remembering those times because they were dark.
(I use the emotions of this time when I write my poems abut depression.
About addiction.
About feeling worthless.)
I was dark.
I was low.
I broke.
And I broke hard.
 
With a lot of hard work and a six month reversion to idiotic behaviour reminiscent of teenhood I changed.
I faced my demons.
I moved from living for the future to living in the present.
I have said this time and time again but in my whole life the best piece of life hack I received was:
Learn that nothing is set and static.
Everything is fluid and changing all the time.
I am responsible for my words/actions in a situation.
I am not responsible for others. 
Except for Tember. 
Him I am responsible for.
In other words roll with the punches as they happen.
I am doing really well with that.
Not perfect but no one ever is so I am not stressing about it.
 
All meandering here.
For those who are really new to my confessions & conversations I write exactly how I speak.
All over the place.
One thing leads to another and I bound after it.
Some days my thoughts are like catching butterflies.
Not really but that line ran through my head and I had to write it down.
Have an image too so who knows…..
See off I go…..
 
My other saving grace?
Learning not to worry/stress over that which I have no control.
Why?
What good is it going to do me?
Is my worry/stress going to fix the problem?
Absolutely not.
Will it give me headaches/backaches/stomach upsets etc?
Damn rights.
I do not worry about it.
Simplistic?
Maybe.
Am I happy?
Oh hell yea so what I do works. 
At least for me.
 
This is me adulting.
This is me being responsible.
Freaks me out a little bit.
Okay a lot.
I cleaned the oven.
On purpose.
Well it needed to be done but still…..
I have cleaning supplies.
A lot of them.
I buy paper towel.
Boxes of kleenex.
Adulting.
Responsible for self.
Adulting.
Growing every day.
Adulting.
 
Being happy is a choice.
There are going to be those of you who poo poo me.
And you know what I get it.
Absolutely.
I use to be you.
I use to think that that was crazy.
I use to think I needed 1/2/3….. things to be happy.
I use to plan for an unattainable future.
Everything will be better when…..
After my Ka-boom and healing I realized my happiness comes from within.
Also my Wellbutrin but 90% is internal.
I do not wake up every morning thinking I am going to be happy-I just am.
It is a feeling that I still find incredible.
And most likely will forever more.
 
So in answer to my customer yes I can be happy and good all the time.
I have moments of disappointment and upset but they do not define me or my mood.
I will not allow it.
No one or thing gets that type of power over me.
Not ever again.
My happiness is dependent on me and me alone.
Knowing that has made me a very happy woman. 
 
Now that I have totally sucked you in I shall sign off. 
Just know that we have all had coffee and you have learned a little more about me.
And how crazy I am.
But I am me.
Crazy.
Cute.
Canadian. 
(I needed a 3rd C)
 
Have a wonderful Wednesday loves.
 
©Oct. 7/20
Picture is my own