One Full Year

One year ago today I made the decision to quit drinking.
It was a Saturday and I finally faced the truth of the matter.
Quit or die.
No other choice really.
I drank a 66 oz and half of a 28 oz bottle of Rye throughout the weekend and week before July 18/20.
That is a whole helluv a lot of alcohol going into my body and my liver processing it.
I was embarrassed.
I was sickened.
I had had enough.
I have not told many people about the fact that I have quit drinking.
Lately I have become a little more forthcoming.
One of my regular customers works part-time at the LC.
Did not know as he started there after I quit drinking.
But I did tell him that that was why I did not know…..because I no longer went in there.
Another customer wanted to take me for a beer and when I said that I did not drink he asked why.
I could have said nothing and switched the subject but I was honest with him.
And he said: Good for you for knowing that you had to quit.
To celebrate my year’s sobriety I ordered a cake from work.
Or rather I picked out my Jeanne’s Cake. (Pronounced Genie)
Jeanne cakes are either you love them or you hate them.
No middle ground.
Made at a bakery in Winnipeg, my first taste of one came when I was just six weeks old at my Christening.
My Amma had brought one and I got to taste the frosting.
Every year on my birthday until I started to have parties I had a Jeanne’s cake.
I picked out a chocolate with chocolate frosting and took it to the girls in the Bakery.
I worked until 9 p.m. last night and sent J into the bakery to get my cake.
I couldn’t go in there while working as it would have melted and after work it would look funny.
When she came out with it she was smiling and said oh this is exciting!
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Today I posted a pic of the cake to both my Insta and Facebook accounts.
I am doing the social media equivalent to standing on the rooftop and screaming my news to the world.
And with each person’s congratulations; with each I am so proud of you tears fill my eyes.
With each tear that drops the shackles that alcohol helped to bind me in are fully corroded and falling at my feet.
My inner strength amazes me.
My desire to be a better person; a more present person amazes me.
When you are no longer selfish; when you no longer have the veneer of self deception that an addiction to alcohol gives you; when finally you are striped bare of all your outer trappings and look truthfully at your soul; that is when true freedom begins.
©July 18/21
Pictures is my own
First time in 6 months that I was able to visit my wonderful hairdresser on Friday.
I love when she straightens my hair. 🙂

Addicted Voice

I originally wrote this poem in 2019. Long before I quit drinking.

Can you hear?
That voice
subtle
mere hiss in your ear
whisper
on the edge of awareness
cooing
‘come to me baby
come to my heart
I have you little girl
will never ever 
let you fall.
Sensations 
overriding thoughts
hold me close
addiction
steady chant
ease the ache
ease the pain
take as much as you can.
My blood is sluggish
my thoughts impaired
heart races 
triple time
so sure 
that I am dead.
Stutter
stall a beat
breath catches in my throat
shall I die
shall I cry
who will understand?
That sensation
muffled cotton
wrapped
oh my god
I am so content.
This is what it does
drug
alcohol
beast that calms the urge
wrap me in velvet
take me from here.
Eyes flutter shut
carried away
clouds
white innocence
finally
pain is no more.
©Dec. 30/19
Picture via Pinterest