Addicted Voice

I originally wrote this poem in 2019. Long before I quit drinking.

Can you hear?
That voice
subtle
mere hiss in your ear
whisper
on the edge of awareness
cooing
‘come to me baby
come to my heart
I have you little girl
will never ever 
let you fall.
Sensations 
overriding thoughts
hold me close
addiction
steady chant
ease the ache
ease the pain
take as much as you can.
My blood is sluggish
my thoughts impaired
heart races 
triple time
so sure 
that I am dead.
Stutter
stall a beat
breath catches in my throat
shall I die
shall I cry
who will understand?
That sensation
muffled cotton
wrapped
oh my god
I am so content.
This is what it does
drug
alcohol
beast that calms the urge
wrap me in velvet
take me from here.
Eyes flutter shut
carried away
clouds
white innocence
finally
pain is no more.
©Dec. 30/19
Picture via Pinterest

I could have Cried

I was not going to put a warning here but do not want to kill off my male readers with shock.
I discuss female anatomy.
I give it a personality.
If easily offended just skip that paragraph.
Otherwise enjoy.
216 days.
7 months and 6 days sober.
Gonna admit that my coffee intake has tripled since quitting but that is neither here nor there.
But not feeling like death warmed over?
Not remembering what time I fell into bed?
And did I do something embarrassing?
I was a shit mom when I was drinking.
I mean I joked with him and laughed but I was not present with him.
It kills me when I think of it.
Which I don’t do often.
Not because I am weak but because T and I have made our peace.
But when I do think about it I cringe and hate myself all over again.
I say again because I spent many years hating myself.
I took pills and drank to get away from me.
Now I am me.
No pills.
No booze.
Just little old me.
And I can hate my behaviour.
Ha that came to me as I was typing.
In re to ‘the hating myself again’ that is wrong it is the behaviour I hated.
I have changed the behaviour.
Today was the day.
Went in for the lovely ladies day at the doctor’s.
Which included getting my liver function tested.
I had the blood work taken last Thursday.
Everything checked.
And because I had quit drinking the liver test.
I kept telling myself that if something was seriously wrong I would have heard already.
If I was dying they would not let me come alone to the office would they?
I was scared.
I not only drank heavily but took Tylenol 1’s for a very long time.
With alcohol.
Without.
So while not dwelling on my results I have gone with the no news is good news adage.
Half an hour late into my appointment and I had been sitting in the little naked gown we all get.
On my phone texting.
What else do you do in the exam room while waiting these days?
You text people and tell them you are naked!
Like they really want to know but it is fun for me.
Lots of different responses to that one.
Finally in comes my doctor.
We have not had a face to face in nearly 3 years.
He has gone grey on the back of his head.
And as I sit there we go over my list of things I wanted looked at/discussed.
And the blood work.
Cholesterol level is a little bit high.
But there is really nothing I can do because it is the good cholesterol.
It is the high one.
Hemoglobin is good.
Liver numbers are a little high but in the normal range.
And as long as I continue to not drink it will heal.
Went through the other end of it too.
Ladies the legs in the air time.
Well apparently my cervix wandered.
Who the hell thought their cervix would just up and decide to vanish?
Finally found turns out she was feeling a little shy.
I came home and it wasn’t until I was standing in the living room that it hit me.
A wave of relief that lead to tears.
I had figuratively been holding my breath.
I had done so much damage to my liver how could it be anything but not great?
To hear that I was good well here come the tears a bit as I write.
Every day I move forward I realize that there is so much more I need to live.
There is so much more that I need to learn.
There is so much more that I need to teach.
That I want to teach.
Once I have learned it.
Which will be never because no one masters life.
We grow and learn.
Forever changing.
That my friends I think is what life is.
Have a great weekend everyone.
This is what T and I had for brunch today. Chocolate and Almond Granola with Extra Creamy Vanilla Bean Yogurt (13% protein) and strawberries.wp-16137804928604942111475614242658.jpg
Awesome that is all I am going to say.
©Feb. 19/21
Photos are my own