Who will Know?

Cold
clink of ice cubes
sweetness
slides down my throat
imaginary toasts
better than drinking alone
salute fallen comrades
there are none
make up a few
anything to justify
make it easier to swallow
mister of mouth
liquid exquisite
hate self
wicked circle
go
round
round
round
til there is no more.
Fearing
who will see
who will discover
liar that is me?
Count down
minutes
seconds
til bliss over tongue
flows
take away pain
inhibitions
love the flavor
I know it means death
so sorry
want to quit
want to ignore seduction
so hard
this is addiction
naked truth
bullying me
wish I had the strength…..
©May 17/20
Picture via Pinterest
Prompted by today’s Word of The Day Challenge/Prompt: https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/05/17/intimacy/

Word of the Day Challenge #43-Untitled Poem

I have a tiny secret
one that I hold dear
for were others to notice
it would be my failure.
Temptation
cool ice clinks
smooth drink over the tongue
soft waning of the the pain
that follows me
hour after hour
day after day
week after week
year after………
No!
I shall not be this weak.
I shall not be this fallible.
I shall overcome
put to rest
excise these demons
that must be fed
with turmoil
with fear
with any substance
that will shut them up.
Nattering in my ear
grunting
running burr covered fingers
through hair
scratching my face
my back
tearing from me
screams
pain
one black bead at a time
a feast for many.
Set the smoky glass
burning smiles
where I can see it
where I can consume it
where I can strike it from the table.
my reality
my life
no longer will I dance
lead by demons of hate.
©July 19/19
Picture via Pinterest

Serenity

Like a small child

hunkered down

hiding

dreading the blow to come

so do you

make yourself so big

so boistrous

that all are distracted by the gloss.

The pains are less

washed down with spirits

with tainted love

drowning in disbelief

how did it come to this?

Within

I see the potential

I see the man you could rise to be

if only….

you gave yourself a chance

if only….

you realized happiness could be ours

if only…..

you could see yourself

through my eyes.

Understanding gained

pain released

hold me close

never let go

your serenity I will always be.

 

 

Benign Neglect

I am sitting here having my coffee this morning a little tired and cranky. I could easily pass it off onto the cats who were doing the chase around the house at 3:23 a.m. using myself as a part of their obstacle course but this is not the sole reason.

For those who don’t know the whole story let me give you a bit of history. It has been 2.5 years since the Ex and me split. He fought me tooth and nail that we would share custody of T.  Sharing is different from joint custody. Shared is a straight 50/50 split. One week T is with me, one week with his dad. Not always perfect but it has worked.

This passed January, the Ex’s girlfriend began going to school during the day and had to work nights. As does he. So I agreed that T could come and spend the nights here while they were working. It was going to be for six months. She is done next month.

Beginning of April when I returned to work I explained to the Ex that he would need to stop here and pick T up on his way home from work Saturday a.m. as I began at 9. This is when I learned that for the previous month and a half, he has not been working Friday nights. Yet he not only did not tell me, he also did not pick T up until mid-Saturday afternoons. Well I guess you would think that shock would be my most prominent feeling. It wasn’t. I was more resigned.

T has been mentioning to me that his dad spends little time with him. Always in the shop working. Or on the weekends drinking. Hanging out with his friends. And T is suppose to stay until Monday mornings but has been coming home on Sunday for the last several weeks.

I received a text in the middle of the night. Well, 1:40 a.m. I woke up realizing that I had heard my phone go off. Before everyone is like wth is her phone on for I have two reasons. 1) T was at a sleepover at M’s. And despite her being a nurse and my inability to do anything were something to happen given that we live an hour apart, I leave my phone on just in case. 2) Mom. Again, I know that I can do nothing if something happens to her, but I don’t want to be waking up to a call from my bro about it.

I had been lead to believe that the Ex would not be home until today from his fishing weekend. That he works tonight so T would be staying with me. The working part is correct however he came home yesterday. The text was from his girlfriend. Or rather should I say ex-girlfriend. They had just broken up.

She was messaging me to ask that I keep T today until she was done moving out. That she did not want him to see that. I messaged her back and than shot a text to the Ex asking WTF? I have yet to hear from him. I don’t expect to because he is going to be hung over and dealing with a bitchy ex-wife is probably not at the top of his to do list.

We, she and I messaged for about an hour. His drinking is getting worse. He is not acting like himself. Refusing to change. Refusing responsibility except to himself. And it was never clearer to me that I had married a man so like my dad I am disgusted with myself.

Drink. Wreck lives. Pass out. Contrition. Rinse. And Repeat.

He is charming I will give him that. When he wants to be. But as a companion he sucks shit. She said to me last night that she hoped he would learn to love again. Now that could be a shot a me for destroying his ability but it wasn’t. The truth of the matter is that the Ex, he loves himself first and foremost. T, the ex-girlfriend, me we are/were pulled into his orbit. I have been able to pull myself out but T he is still there.

I am sad really. Sad because I believe that beneath the infantile man who puts his needs and wants before everyone else, is someone who could be a really great dad. Who could teach his son how to be a kind and decent man. Sad because I stand on the sidelines watching my child hurt and can only ease the pain so much. Sad because I am watching history repeat itself.

Benign neglect is more disheartening than straight up neglect.

There is always that hope that the other person with change. It is a futile wish.

**Photo is mine taken at Matlock Beach, Manitoba last summer**