Starlet

Tragic
a cautionary tale
for those who will come behind
remember beauty
not as extolled
reality
image seen in the mirror
behold the truth
as seen through the eye of the beholden.
Cracks grow
awash in desperation
grim
pale shadows
flit through the night
scourge of delight
filling ears with hissed toxicity
bringing ego down
shattered malaise.
Adulation
false words
believe in them
easier to fake it
easier to pretend
easier to…..
turn away
hide away
no one ever comes looking
crying smoked tears.
Wrapped in golden tinsel
heralded the next great find
actress of many faces
not a one real.
©Dec. 21/19
Picture via Pinterest

Haunted Heart

Yearning
fingers reaching
bells chiming
message arrives
breath catches
is it true
does he want you?
Hide shy smiles
eyes bright with laughter
warmth arising
arms pulling you close
if this is a dream
please do not let it end.
Awakening
alone once more
figment of your imagination
a tale woven
to keep the darkness at bay.
Plod through each day
grey
unappealing
alone
heartache ever constant
is there no cure?
Drizzling rain
stand
getting soaked through
tears cannot be seen
mixed with the pouring from the sky.
Love songs on repeat
endless declarations
places to be
places to go
places to meet your lover at will.
Silence lingers long on the tongue
whispers heard 
made to come undone
wrapped within scarlet ribbons
loveless
lifeless
alone……
©August 16/19
Picture found on Pinterest

Alone

Ghostly
chimes ring in my ears
awakening me
bathed in
awash in
velvet rays of sunlight.
Faintly
a remembrance
words whispered
hot breath
warm hands
desire swelling
peaking
falling
dissipating
while I lay coiled in your arms.
Awareness 
slowly creeps in
tears crawl down my cheeks
for this is naught
but a dream.
Perchance
one day
a time come soon
I will once more be there
comforted
protected
loved again.
I wait…..
tremors to cease
heart to resume beating
time to move forward.
While I……
I remain in the past
caught
in the greatest love affair
of my life.
Tangled web
sticky strands
none let go
none shall stand.
Alone I am.
Alone I shall be.
Alone…….
forever 
eternally.
April 13/19
Picture via Pinterest

No F**KS (Or Prince Charming is Missing)

Broken
standing upon shifting sands
crystal tears
soaked within the parched ground
while I try….
try so hard
to figure out
understand
what I did
to get fucked like this?
Forever
it seems to me
that one iota of happiness
must be torn away
that I am not allowed
to have good things
happen in my life.
I want love.
I want home.
I want a man who
understands
supports
is proud of me.
My Prince Charming
I am pretty sure he is dead
ain’t no man
riding to my rescue
ready to climb my hair.
No one who wants to break bricks
chisel at the mortar
it is time for me to ascertain
that I am the problem
not the solution.
Too needy.
Too clingy.
Too loving…..
too much for so many people.
If you find my Prince Charming
should he ask for directions to my house
please point him
away from me
cause I can no longer give a fuck.
November 20/18

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18

Dark Voice

Do you wonder
what it is like?
Would you care to know?
What it is like:
A sullen voice
whispers in your ear
telling you
exactly why
they do not like you.
No matter
how many times
you recite
affirmations
knowing exactly
what you bring to the table.
It hisses diatribe
digs beneath
rending mended scars.
Yet nothing can be worse
than admitting
that the voice you hear
is the one with which you speak.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 26/18

Malaise

Photo by Christine Mendoza on Unsplash

I have been infected

a general malaise has overtaken…..

my mind

my soul

my body.

As I sit upon the pier

gazing at starlit waters

I cannot help but feel…..

uncertain

unwanted

unloved.

I strove for perfection

for dedication

only to find nothing

but heartbreak

confusion

disillusion.

Uncertain as to what will come

I sit here

no longer expecting much

for malaise has infected

everyone.