I have(n’t) Got This

I guess that I should have known something was up with me. I reset my alarm 5x this morning. From 5, 5:15, 6, 6:30, 7 and finally 7:30. Got up because I had to be at work for 9. And I still have not made my bed. I made coffee took my meds and jumped into the shower. I figured that it was a little bit of the hormones acting up and who knows, maybe tomorrow this will all just seem like a torturous nightmare. I ate breakfast text my good mornings and headed off to work.
I found out that insurance was not going to top up my pay. That with my going back to work 6 hours a day next week, it was considered to be a full return to work. Which means I now have to go back full time much sooner that I thought. For the next two weeks (beginning April 30th) I will work 6 hours and use my holiday time to top me up. 20 hours of holiday time used. And than back full time on May 14th.
I feel completely alienated. Neither staff nor other supervisors seem happy that I am back. And I am feeling it. I am excluded from conversations so I keep myself busy. Yet today it really hit home. Not that I want them inside my real life but I have to work with these people and not a one (I lie one has made me feel that she is glad I am back) has made me feel like I am welcome. I have been fine with it while I am only working 4 hours because it is so easy to go in and leave.
Going in for 8 hours is a totally different story. My boss and I have not even sat down to discuss what I am going to be doing.
After getting the news today, I sucked it up. I plastered a smile on my face and went about my morning. Keeping myself busy, helping customers. Than I went for my break and sent a message to K. Told her what was going to happen and began to cry. Well not cry, but my eyes were leaking. I sucked it up and went upstairs to make sure that I did not look like I had been crying. Than back to work and finished off my shift.
Now though, I cannot stop crying. I do not know that I can do this. I realize that I have no choice in the matter at this point because the company that has been paying for my benefits, is not the company we are now with. So I would have to reapply and I have not been paying into these benefits long enough. I would give anything right now to have someone who would just hold me and let me cry.
I do not know that I am strong enough to withstand this.
I admit that on the way home from the city I wanted to stop and get wine. Right now I want to numb myself so I do not feel afraid. So alone. I won’t because I have more pride in myself than that. I have come this far. And I will be damned if I am going to let a job pull me under. Make me doubt everything that I have worked so hard for.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will suck it up and plaster a smile on my face. I will pretend that all is well. I will not allow these people to get under my skin. I will not give away my power.
I am a strong and wonderful woman. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am confident. And fuck man, I have got this shit!

Obsession

**Found picture on Internet**
I am a passing shadow
seen from the corner of your eye
ignored.
You pretend not to see me
when I am standing in front of you.
Loving you
dreading you
wishing that you would hold me tight.
I feel you
do you feel me?
Loving
reaching
hating
leaving
cannot let go
do not deny…..
Nothing can batter
nothing can bruise
only arms twined
lips touching
hearts beating
love so true.
I can see it why can’t you?

Harlequin’s Mask

Can you see me?
The real me?
The one who stands behind the woman I show?
With harlequin mask
gilded tears in the corners
a reality
a truth
I cannot bury.
I mouth the words you need to hear
the platitudes
the I am okay’s
so you can have respite.
Respite from my pain
respite from my need
respite from my everything.
I am sorry to bother
allow me to retreat
and the facade shall return.
Ignore the silver tears that are real
escaping from beneath
the harlequin’s mask.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
December 4/17

Self-Assessment

***Meme is via Facebook***

Last week was not the greatest week for me. I have already detailed the difficulties that T and myself faced. I talked about how I fell ill. I did not tell mention that I spent my weekend wallowing. Feeling down and out, unmotivated, lethargic and not me. I was at a loss.

Sunday dawned and with it, a general feeling of well being. I awoke happy, energetic and optimistic. Wait? What? Optimistic? Had I missed something? I gave a mental shrug and began my day. Had been going to take another lazy day but as I looked around the clutter, the debris (not garbage but lego, dishes from the previous night) the laundry needing to be done, began to gnaw at me. I scrapped my hair back and set to work. An hour and a half later, my house was clean and I was again, feeling great.

I went for a walk and thought. Not about anything in particular until a scrap of memory came to me. My doctor and me had been talking awhile back, and I was giving him my self-assessment of how I had been doing and how I had been coping. Abashedly I paused and said or at least that is what I think. And my doctor looked at me and said, you know yourself the best, and you have a very good grasp on your mental state and how things affect you.

With a sudden start I realized that these last few days were not about my feeling ill. It was not about being lethargic or feeling useless.

The not feeling well.

In the last several months, when I have not felt well, it is my body’s first line of defense saying that I need to slow down and take a break. And once more I ignored it. Not willfully but due to the fact that I have only just realized the correlation.

After three weeks with me, T left for his week with his dad on Saturday. A day early as they had a wedding to attend.

My home was suddenly silent after being filled with little boy sounds and smells. I wandered around, a little bereft and the cats followed me, curious as to where the little one went. But at the same time, a small part of me was looking forward to my downtime. So now I added guilt into the mixture of feelings swirling throughout my body.

And my holidays were coming to an end.

I had had a wonderful two weeks, unwinding, recharging my batteries for work, reading, being with T and now it was over. To make matters worse, the weather has gone from late summer heat to fall’s crisp air and warmish temperatures. A rather sudden change for this beach bunny. Moving from the summer wear to my winter wear of hoodies, yoga pants and socks! Egads, I had to put socks on twice on the weekend. That is just plain wrong.

Add in the monthly hormonal issues and I am surprised that I was not sitting in the corner rocking myself back and forth. Instead, I had withdrawn and fallen back into patterns that I should have realized were detrimental to my well being. I was sliding down the rabbit’s hole, to wallow and be melancholy.

In other words, I had myself a little slip. A halfway slide down the slope of sadness. Guilt. Fear. Worry. Insecurity.

The voice that sometimes weasels its way free of the gilded cage I keep it in, whispering that I am not good enough. Not smart enough. That I am deluding myself with visions of grandeur. It found an inch and tried to take a mile before I was able to slam the cage door shut and relock it. With chains. And nails. And crossbars.

Since I began retaking my meds six months ago, life has been blissful. I have been doing so well. No sadness. No ruing my actions. No yelling. No screaming. T and me had been getting along so well. But the last week of holidays, it was old times all over again. Only I was unable to see it. And I am so good at putting on a face and smiling through my tears, that those I have in place to be my check point, were not even aware of what was going on with me.

My texts were brief and non-initiated. I did not face anyone so no one could read my face or my eyes. And I have been living with depression since I was a teenager. I know how to act so no one sees my pain. No one has to listen to my woeful complaints of loneliness and despair.

I do not paint this picture of myself to gain pity. I want others to understand that this illness sneaks up on you. It is not a matter of just taking medication, learning coping mechanisms or going to therapy. It is not even a matter of being aware and doing self-assessments so you know where you are at in your mental and physical well being.

Depression will drop over unannounced, settle into the comfortable spot on the couch and decide to stay awhile. I am lucky that it was a brief visit for me this time.

 

Love gone awry

Sometimes I go a little crazy
a wee bit mad
making all my castles
with quicksand.
Sometimes I dance little jigs
and you cannot see
where once there was harmony
now we have strife.
Angry words disposed to bite
left me nothing to do
but cry bitter tears
and feel ashes in my mouth.
I have loved you
and hated you.
I have cursed your name
for the damaged touch
while you played your game.
Living beneath a cloud of darkness
wrapped in a shroud of pain
I yearn for the bright sunlight
yet walk alone trapped in anguish
unable to break away.
©Jay-Lyn Doerksen
September 12/17

Crazy

**Picture courtesy of Pintrest

No it is what I have to do.

I am crazy here.

Acting crazy.

This is just no good.

I need to detox my brain of him.

Staring at the phone

willing it to ring…..

oh wait, it is 2017

waiting for a text.

Watching out the window

willing him by…..

that is right

dating is no more.

Staring at the door

willing it to open….

ah shit

I must have missed.

I am crazy,

insane with his touch

melancholy for his thoughts

desirous of his deeds.

No it is what I have to do.

I am crazy here.

Acting crazy.

This is just no good.

I need to detox my brain of him.

Saying good bye

tear after tear

ripping each head from view

a thousand pictures here.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 5/17