Untitled Relationship Poem #7

Fuck you!
Slashing
slicing
violent words 
used to rip your soul apart
the way you ripped mine.
No guns
no fists 
no blades
vicious words 
spill from my mouth
looking to cut you away.
Trust has been blasted
no more base
not sure what I am going to do
you have hurt me so much.
I should have insisted
but your words 
your promises 
your voiws
lulled my suspicions.
Never again.
Grievous pain
firing through heart
brain
tired of the charge
I want to turn it off.
I want to numb myself
to this hurt inside.
Standing beneath the rushing water
deep breath
once in
twice out
it will be alright.
A fool am I 
love knows no bounds
not a love like this.
Rage
frothing
swelling
you should really run
’cause this woman 
went and got her gun.
 
Feb. 16/18
 
Advertisements

Untitled Relationship Poem #5

***This poem was written last year during Nov/Dec period. Reworked today***
I allowed it.
I allowed you
to maim me
to bite me
to shred my heart.
There was no breaking in two
it disintegrated.
pain unlike any…..
Any…..
Do you see that?
Any…..
I had felt before.
I stood beneath full moon
lashes glittering with tears
unable to comprehend
bewildered I am
for you seem to be blaming me?
It took a bit
but colors bleed true
slashes of fabric
please release me.
All told me
your actions
are louder than words.
Never thought it true.
You have proved me wrong.
I regret
having thought you were different
that you were…..
maybe Prince Charming…..
my own love story…..
when all you are is a farce.
I do not regret
having allowed you into my life
though you made me bleed
opened my heart
learned I could love
find the right partner again.
Too bad
So sad
Guess you have no one to blame.
Oh wait
Yes you do
Yourself
While I…..
I learn to be free.
January 30/19

I Dare You!

This morning started off great. T and me were getting along. I had a great poem for Word of the Day Challenge. Granted it was a poem that I wrote in December but I was able to rework it to include today’s word instigate.  T was happy but around the corner lurked sloth and surly boy. Oh man was the drive to school fun. 
Had asked him to feed the cats. Came back from starting car and found cat food all over the floor. Triggered the omg are you serious reaction. T could not fathom why I was so irate. His response ‘just leave it mom the cats will eat it.’ Seriously child! I cleaned the apartment yesterday I am not leaving cat food all over the floor.
Next came the sweater fiasco. Ten minutes it took sloth boy ten minutes to locate and shove said sweater into his backpack. When I told him for what felt like the hundredth time to get moving he yells at me ‘I am doing my best! Have you never heard of doing one’s best?’
T stomps up the stairs muttering and me I state how I am the world’s worst mother ever. Of course I was challenged and told that never was I mean. Oh that tune was about to change and quickly.
As we are driving through the Co-op parking lot I thanked T for listening to me and not attempting to take his Xbox with him. Well now, I should have said nothing because what came next is so dramatic. T begins to cry. (Well fake cry) I begin to explain again about consequences for his actions. His attitude needs to change and fast. Back and forth we go until we get to the point where I am now a very mean mom. How could I do this to him? Why could he not just be happy? Why did I have to ruin his life? And again why could he not be allowed to be happy??
When I reminded him there was no gaming either with friends well I might as well have told him….whatever I said would have had no larger impact than him finding out he is not going to be allowed on-line to play games with his friends this weekend. 
So attitude began to pour out of him and I said to T that if this kept up I was going to take the Xbox away and there would be no gaming with his friends for a whole month. 
‘I dare you’ T screams at me.
‘You dare me? Keep this shit up kid and you will see what I dare to do.’
‘Well than there is no godda-darn way I am going to spend the month with you. I am going to go and stay at dad’s.’
I laughed. I realize not the best response but seriously? 
‘Okay dude you ask your dad if you can stay with him for a month because mom is so mean that she took my Xbox away for a month. Ask him and let me know what he says please.’
Oh if looks could kill. 
I pull up to the school and look at T.
‘Have a good day buddy.’
‘I am not getting out of the car.’
‘Well you kind of have to, I need to get to work.’
‘i am not getting out of the car.’
‘Get out of the car now!’
Thankfully he listened. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get him out of the car. It wasn’t like I could pull him out. He is a solid kid.  He slammed the door shut. Slammed and did not look back or wave to me as he walked into the school.
When I got to work I was telling my supervisor about it and I had tears because I was laughing so hard. Than she pointed out to me what could he do because he spends the nights here during the week he is at his dad’s. Which sent me into another burst of laughter.
Fast forward to when T gets dropped off at 9:30. He comes in and is all cheerful and telling me how he is legally blind. I did not get it. I still don’t. It has something to do with Youtube. 
I got the full rundown of the school day. His fort had been broken. He had a math test he is positive he failed. He has to be finished his book by Friday. I asked where the homework was and he grins telling me they did no ‘paper’ work while he was home sick.
Finally he winds down and is wandering around the kitchen. Being the mean mom that I am I had to ask if T had asked his dad if he could stay there for a month. Obvious answer being no. He straightens up looks over at me and says: ‘Mom I am sorry for this morning. I know that it is late but I am sorry.’
I thanked him and told him that I really appreciated him saying that.
T had complained that there was nothing to do at his dad’s without the Xbox. I told him he could spend time with his dad. Well dad is always in shop. Than go out there!!!! And he did. He spent the evening in the shop with his day. Helped him with some work. 
I am hoping that we will go forward and sloth and surly boy will remain totally out of the picture. I am not deluded though, I know that they will return. As I am sitting here typing all of a sudden T starts yelling: ‘Mom……mom……mom…..moooooooooom’
‘What?’
‘I love you.’
There is nothing left to say. 
 
January 23/19

Buh Bye

I bleed.
Scarlet ribbons
maroon manacles
chaining me to your side.
Truth
lie
liar
a lineal line.
Addiction
lover’s lane
go ahead
fuck you
fuck her
don’t expect me to wait.
Fuck you finger rises
will never let you see
pain
desire
hope
within me.
You thought
(falsely I must say)
that the love I held
would lead your way.
Pummeled by words
broken in two
I need to protect myself
so good bye to you.
 
December 4/18
Photo is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Thank You

Battered my shields
rent free
creating a gap to crawl through.
I tried to keep you out.
Scars ripped anew
promises made
no one will hurt you
whispered in my ear
as fear paralyzed my body.
I cannot believe.
You wore me down
demanded that you know all
swore to me
were I to open up
you would not leave
as all the others did.
I opened up.
I gave you my history.
My dreams.
My nightmares.
I laid my soul bare.
I trusted
despite that voice.
The one screaming at me.
Telling me
you were laughing.
All I was…..
a joke.
Woked the hell up
sin danced before
paraded
no love lost
for no love was had
only convenience.
How could you do this?
I am not strong.
I am no Valkyrie.
I am a broken woman.
Pieces scattered
always one missing
never whole
shattered glass
broken hearts
why did I let you in?
Let you open that door
make me feel
make me dance
only to rip the rug out
from beneath my feet.
Spinning
spanning
tell all the tales you need
to assuage your guilt
even as you scream at me.
Demanding I beg
forgiveness
yours to give.
Ummmmmm……..
Well now…..
I am sure
that I had not hand in this.
I did not guide you into her.
I did not stand there
waving a whip.
‘Should ye not perform
I shall strike thee
with this cat o’nines.’
Self deprication.
It tis myself
I should be flaying
for having fallen for gilded tongue.
This blackened carcass
yours to feast upon.
My heart
melts in your mouth
tainting smooth words
no one shall listen.
All they will hear
is my desolate moan
crying out
realizing that the words
not the actions were true.
Fuck you.
Fool
I am
am I.
No one to blame.
My romantic heart
re-locked
re-caged
steel reinforced
wire wrapped around
never to be loosed again.
Thank you for that.
December 1/18
Picture is mine taken Summer of 2017

Pauper’s Wounds

Blooded steps
sparkling
shredding
spearing
glass shards
embedded in my soles
disabling me
as I attempt to walk through.
Brambles clutch
piercing
gouging
stabbing
beneath my skin
more blood flows
I give in.
My fault really.
I took those words to heart
played princess to the pauper
never listened
never heard the
lies embedded.
It was only with the interloper’s arrival
that it began
the decimation
of love shared.
No account
no words spoken
but suddenly
I am the bad guy.
The one who wants too much
who wants to provide happiness
who wants to make life easier.
Forgive me
silly am I
to think that a man wants a partner
who compliments
not competes with him.
What do I do?
Shrug my shoulders?
Turn around and walk away?
Pathetic thing is
I love so much
I am willing to wait.
Wait….
no that is my imagination
for love is not suppose to hurt
this way.
There will come a day
beware of that
when I will finally have enough
will walk away.
No looking back
regrets burned
think carefully.
Is a bitch
ready to spread her legs
lacking so in respect
really the desired want?
I suppose
nay
I know
that if I were respected
if I was truly loved
no enticement
would
could
drive to baser needs.
What a fucking brutal truth.
Fires burn
rage
bridges erupting
soon as foot is placed
for I am protecting myself.
No longer
never again
will I give anyone
power over me.
November 24/18
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

No F**KS (Or Prince Charming is Missing)

Broken
standing upon shifting sands
crystal tears
soaked within the parched ground
while I try….
try so hard
to figure out
understand
what I did
to get fucked like this?
Forever
it seems to me
that one iota of happiness
must be torn away
that I am not allowed
to have good things
happen in my life.
I want love.
I want home.
I want a man who
understands
supports
is proud of me.
My Prince Charming
I am pretty sure he is dead
ain’t no man
riding to my rescue
ready to climb my hair.
No one who wants to break bricks
chisel at the mortar
it is time for me to ascertain
that I am the problem
not the solution.
Too needy.
Too clingy.
Too loving…..
too much for so many people.
If you find my Prince Charming
should he ask for directions to my house
please point him
away from me
cause I can no longer give a fuck.
November 20/18