Protector

Once more
a fool I have been
allowing my heart
my hopes
to arise
to fill me
moron that I am.
One would think
nay
one who is smart
would know
to ignore the stubborn heart
those emotions
the feelings
remembering pain
anguish
when the heart broke anew
again
(and again
and again.)
Sitting here
sight blurred
veil of tears
aching
realizing
I have played my foolish game.
Allowing you behind the curtain
allowing you to see me
the one
hidden behind the public facade
none know the secrets I hide.
You made me
(make me)
feel safe.
I opened
(open)
myself to you.
Foolish woman I be.
Time has come
to be undone
to lock
throw away the key
protect myself
from…..
me.
©June 13/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Untangled

Bolt of lightening
realization
what a jackass
what a joke I have become
that I twisted
toiled
to make things the same
when I should have run.
Flinching
memories
not the good ones
I shudder to think
how petulant
whiny child
I must have been
how you must have made mock.
I was blind
now I see.
I was deaf
now I hear.
I was senseless
now I know.
Resignation
for having yearned
for having longed
for having wished
to feel your hands
to feel your warmth
once more hear the sweetness of your voice.
Raising my head
I blink
looking around.
Suddenly
colors most vibrant
cool spring scent in the air
warm sunshine
my fog has lifted
joy I have found
I can finally let go
I can finally say good-bye
and recapture my heart.
©May 20/19

I Give Up

Time has come
excise my demon
excise the dreams
excise the fingerprint you have left
etched into my soul.
I give up.
There is no more…..
no more trying
no more helping
no more reaching
I give up.
Dreams become illusions
illusions become dreams
none
nothing
is going to come true.
When you are the one
pull me close
push me away
what should I fucking do?
I give up.
Ripped apart
reaching
desiring
oh my god.
I guess there is nothing
nothing I can say

that won’t be

turned against me.

Screw you…..

Fuck you…….
I Give Up.
©April 20/19
Picture via Pinterest found by The Eclectic Contrarian.

Denial

Bitterness
seeping
oozing
black caul
wrapped around.
Words
razor sharp
sliced veins
blood running
emotions stripped down.
Cold
lifeless
unforgiving
I will never hear those words.
Sorry little one
I failed you
I failed to protect 
when I should have.
Never will she
nor he
accept the parts played
in ruination.
Concrete grey
muffling my screams 
fuck you
naught you know.
Prince…..
Pauper…..
Gleam of her eye
you took my place
forced to the rear
forced down
forgotten
unloved
unsupported
that was I.
Usurper. 
Taking my crown
my throne
stealing my home
shattering my hopes
my dreams
condemning me to this hell on earth.
Tired I am
of putting all first
my desolation
thought to be remiss.
Funeral pyre
memories shot through
conflagration. 
April 1/19
Image by Harald Matern from Pixabay

Tempest Howls

Left in the wind
howling
full moon
calling blood to surface
bringing me to my knees.
Tempest
storm unacknowledged
swimming against the tide
fighting
desperate
I will make it back
crawl upon the shore
gaze up in weariness at the stars on high.
Count my blessings
there are none
only a cold darkness
that condemns.
Curled in a ball
curled in on my soul
desperate to make myself feel
desperate to make myself forget
contradiction
this I know
but you know not
see not
the rotting damage within.
See not
the reel of film
on autoplay
over and over
ravaging of my being
my heart
broken when so little.
No one cares
no one attempted to shelter
I have been alone
alone
always I shall be.
Pain
would that you could feel
sharp
blinding
no one can save
I am dying
care to acknowledge your part
your destination in this plot?
I thought not
Father wolf shall come
ready to rip out your throat.
Sit upon your chest
muzzle soaked through
gentle lick of the cheek
salted tears gone
head upon his fur
steady heartbeat
he is my protector
he is my……
Fuck you.
 
March 28/19
Image by GimpWorkshop from Pixabay

Untitled Relationship Poem #7

Fuck you!
Slashing
slicing
violent words 
used to rip your soul apart
the way you ripped mine.
No guns
no fists 
no blades
vicious words 
spill from my mouth
looking to cut you away.
Trust has been blasted
no more base
not sure what I am going to do
you have hurt me so much.
I should have insisted
but your words 
your promises 
your voiws
lulled my suspicions.
Never again.
Grievous pain
firing through heart
brain
tired of the charge
I want to turn it off.
I want to numb myself
to this hurt inside.
Standing beneath the rushing water
deep breath
once in
twice out
it will be alright.
A fool am I 
love knows no bounds
not a love like this.
Rage
frothing
swelling
you should really run
’cause this woman 
went and got her gun.
 
Feb. 16/18
 

Untitled Relationship Poem #5

***This poem was written last year during Nov/Dec period. Reworked today***
I allowed it.
I allowed you
to maim me
to bite me
to shred my heart.
There was no breaking in two
it disintegrated.
pain unlike any…..
Any…..
Do you see that?
Any…..
I had felt before.
I stood beneath full moon
lashes glittering with tears
unable to comprehend
bewildered I am
for you seem to be blaming me?
It took a bit
but colors bleed true
slashes of fabric
please release me.
All told me
your actions
are louder than words.
Never thought it true.
You have proved me wrong.
I regret
having thought you were different
that you were…..
maybe Prince Charming…..
my own love story…..
when all you are is a farce.
I do not regret
having allowed you into my life
though you made me bleed
opened my heart
learned I could love
find the right partner again.
Too bad
So sad
Guess you have no one to blame.
Oh wait
Yes you do
Yourself
While I…..
I learn to be free.
January 30/19