Buh Bye

I bleed.
Scarlet ribbons
maroon manacles
chaining me to your side.
Truth
lie
liar
a lineal line.
Addiction
lover’s lane
go ahead
fuck you
fuck her
don’t expect me to wait.
Fuck you finger rises
will never let you see
pain
desire
hope
within me.
You thought
(falsely I must say)
that the love I held
would lead your way.
Pummeled by words
broken in two
I need to protect myself
so good bye to you.
 
December 4/18
Photo is one of my own taken Summer 2017
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Thank You

Battered my shields
rent free
creating a gap to crawl through.
I tried to keep you out.
Scars ripped anew
promises made
no one will hurt you
whispered in my ear
as fear paralyzed my body.
I cannot believe.
You wore me down
demanded that you know all
swore to me
were I to open up
you would not leave
as all the others did.
I opened up.
I gave you my history.
My dreams.
My nightmares.
I laid my soul bare.
I trusted
despite that voice.
The one screaming at me.
Telling me
you were laughing.
All I was…..
a joke.
Woked the hell up
sin danced before
paraded
no love lost
for no love was had
only convenience.
How could you do this?
I am not strong.
I am no Valkyrie.
I am a broken woman.
Pieces scattered
always one missing
never whole
shattered glass
broken hearts
why did I let you in?
Let you open that door
make me feel
make me dance
only to rip the rug out
from beneath my feet.
Spinning
spanning
tell all the tales you need
to assuage your guilt
even as you scream at me.
Demanding I beg
forgiveness
yours to give.
Ummmmmm……..
Well now…..
I am sure
that I had not hand in this.
I did not guide you into her.
I did not stand there
waving a whip.
‘Should ye not perform
I shall strike thee
with this cat o’nines.’
Self deprication.
It tis myself
I should be flaying
for having fallen for gilded tongue.
This blackened carcass
yours to feast upon.
My heart
melts in your mouth
tainting smooth words
no one shall listen.
All they will hear
is my desolate moan
crying out
realizing that the words
not the actions were true.
Fuck you.
Fool
I am
am I.
No one to blame.
My romantic heart
re-locked
re-caged
steel reinforced
wire wrapped around
never to be loosed again.
Thank you for that.
December 1/18
Picture is mine taken Summer of 2017

Pauper’s Wounds

Blooded steps
sparkling
shredding
spearing
glass shards
embedded in my soles
disabling me
as I attempt to walk through.
Brambles clutch
piercing
gouging
stabbing
beneath my skin
more blood flows
I give in.
My fault really.
I took those words to heart
played princess to the pauper
never listened
never heard the
lies embedded.
It was only with the interloper’s arrival
that it began
the decimation
of love shared.
No account
no words spoken
but suddenly
I am the bad guy.
The one who wants too much
who wants to provide happiness
who wants to make life easier.
Forgive me
silly am I
to think that a man wants a partner
who compliments
not competes with him.
What do I do?
Shrug my shoulders?
Turn around and walk away?
Pathetic thing is
I love so much
I am willing to wait.
Wait….
no that is my imagination
for love is not suppose to hurt
this way.
There will come a day
beware of that
when I will finally have enough
will walk away.
No looking back
regrets burned
think carefully.
Is a bitch
ready to spread her legs
lacking so in respect
really the desired want?
I suppose
nay
I know
that if I were respected
if I was truly loved
no enticement
would
could
drive to baser needs.
What a fucking brutal truth.
Fires burn
rage
bridges erupting
soon as foot is placed
for I am protecting myself.
No longer
never again
will I give anyone
power over me.
November 24/18
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

No F**KS (Or Prince Charming is Missing)

Broken
standing upon shifting sands
crystal tears
soaked within the parched ground
while I try….
try so hard
to figure out
understand
what I did
to get fucked like this?
Forever
it seems to me
that one iota of happiness
must be torn away
that I am not allowed
to have good things
happen in my life.
I want love.
I want home.
I want a man who
understands
supports
is proud of me.
My Prince Charming
I am pretty sure he is dead
ain’t no man
riding to my rescue
ready to climb my hair.
No one who wants to break bricks
chisel at the mortar
it is time for me to ascertain
that I am the problem
not the solution.
Too needy.
Too clingy.
Too loving…..
too much for so many people.
If you find my Prince Charming
should he ask for directions to my house
please point him
away from me
cause I can no longer give a fuck.
November 20/18

Ashes

The taste of ashes
on my tongue
my heart
shattered by cruelty
my mind knows not where to go
except that the pain I feel
is now a part of me
it cannot be undone.
Walked into my world
stole my breath
my desire
made the ice around thaw
I melted.
You gave to me so much
is that the problem?
Do I scare you?
Do I make you want to run?
It seems that I have a talent for that.
Promises made
promises broken
feel the fool do I.
What was sworn
pledged
turned to tatters
in less than a heartbeat.
How do I trust again?
How can I look at you
without seeing
feeling
the betrayal?
Cold
so cold am I
my heart
recaged
never will I love again.
November 16/18

Dusted Dreams

It was meant to be a dream
a farce
never meant to go further.
Yet it did.
Here we stand
at a crossroads
we must decide
whether to go forward
or turn around
walk back the way we came
to never explore
ascertain
that we could have made it work.
I sit here
tears free falling
mourning the loss
of innocence
trust
love
heart breaking
shattering
destroyed
by one single act.
Our lives
unsure
that it can go back
to what we had
to what we shared.
Love given freely
trust brokered
gone
single snap of the fingers
I want to scream
‘It just isn’t fucking fair!’
This was my dream.
I have had to watch
as it crumbled
sandcastles in the sky
washed away by
treachery and deceit.
Picking up the pieces of my heart
locking them away
jeweled casket.
I will eat the key
give it to no one
shuttered forever more
against love
against wants
against dreams.
Dreams are meant to be broken
not lived.
November 19/18
Photo by Joel Pilger on Unsplash

Revenge

Spewing forth
anger
lava erupting from the pit
while I rage
desire
plague
those who have hurt me.
Fuck you.
Fuck those who thought…..
let me walk on you
let me abuse you
let me disbelieve you
what rights do you have?
What ability to believe?
To shore
shunt
ignore
those voices calling forth
well I carry machete in hand.
Hmmmm….
heads will roll
throats shall be slit
you cannot atone.
Listen
here is my story to tell.
I am sorry.
I am fearful.
I am your bloody revenge.
Oct. 2/18