Crocodile Tears

‘I want that!’

‘I want it!’

Tiny fingers grabbing

idiotic ideas flying

peace is a process

ruined by a few

for so many.

Grinning like an asshole

making countries weep

alienating nations

and making oneself weak.

Raising middle fingers

double salute

telling friends to back off

snuggle close with broken regimes

a smile on one’s face.

Things will go wrong

(or right)

it depends on who one asks.

Temper tantrums will fly

petulant display

of stomping feet

wild cries

(crocodile tears)

to turn the mood back.

Wrest control now

while still able

for nothing is worse

than watching a grown man

act like he is three.

 

Photo by mwangi gatheca on Unsplash

 

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Orator

His task

so simple

anyone could have done it

but he

oh no not he

for flim fhlam was his game.

Blowing smoke

lies built greatness again.

Words flow with passion

words that they need to hear

thinking that easily done

would be to curb his passions dear.

Chains snapped

whips crack

eyes wide open in horror

for they had been wrong

so very wrong

about how he would play.

A new king arises

enslaving the world

he showed his true colors

when he deviated from the path.

Photo by frankie cordoba on Unsplash

Deleted

Tears of crystal submission
burn my cheeks
blinding my sight as I face you
the truth you are holding up.
I created a man
of fiction.
The love I felt
an illusion.
It does not make it easier
in fact
if anything facing this facade
makes me want to hide.
How could I have been so blind?
I am strong enough.
I have learned enough about myself
to know that I am dear.
Watch my ass as I walk away. 
I will stand true
not allow myself to falter
accept a small penance of pain
than move on.
Would you like to know
in 2018
how a woman moves on?
She deletes all your texts.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
March 4/18
Picture via: https://www.pinterest.ca/aaliyapatel746/minions/?lp=true

Oink Oink

He sits upon a rusted throne
tarnished circlet upon his brow
sycophants whispering
filling his mind
with images of greatness
of cities trembling at his feet.
Fed a steady diet of sins:
Gluttony.
Pride.
Wrath.
Sloth.
Lust.
Envy.
Greed.
No one dared to call him to task.
No one made him face reality.
Bloated he became
feeding upon the fear
the hatred
the despair
the injustice perpetrated.
People turned away
not wanting to catch his eye
as it could mean games in the pit
or death at his feet
dependent upon the hour of the day.
He pranced along
seeing streets of gold
not the pocked ruins of stone
delighted that all were scared of him
glorying in his power
until that fateful day
when a child saw through him.
‘Mama who is that ugly little man? 
Why does he caper?
Is he a joker?
A clown?
Who is he mama?
And why is he so mean?’
Mama burned a brilliant red
shushing her darling dear
but too late
he had heard
his head turning to see
the small voice that caught his ear.
Beckoning with crooked fingers
he called the child forth
making her stand upon the dias
waiting for the tears to start.
The whimpers
the pleas
the begging for more.
More time.
More life.
More everything.
She stood looking at him
head cocked to the left
than to the right
and finally straight on
as she met his eyes.
‘You are nothing but a bully boy.
A disgrace.
A man without meat.
You know not love
you know not faith
you really are a shoat’
And with those fateful words
that little man shrank
and in his place
stood a tidy pig
with a bewildered look upon its face.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 16/18
Photo by Austin Guhl on Unsplash

Greatest Treasure

As parents we are given responsibilities:

We need to guide our children.

We need to teach them.

We need to instill morals.

We need to nourish their imaginations

and in return

are given the greatest of gifts.

A child’s love is pure.

It knows no boundaries.

It comes in all colors of the rainbow

and when allowed to flourish

it is an unending love that

is unconditional

given freely.

Yet there are those

women and men

who will take a child’s love

twist and betray it

by putting their needs

their desires first.

Such selfish behaviour

destroys the unconditional love

destroys the relationship

and ultimately will destroy the child’s belief in self worth.

Our children are our greatest treasures

we need to hold them tight

while they allow us

for though their love is always ours

their time will not be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inner Strength

No one ever saw the tears that fell
no one ever saw her sorrow
no one knew the pain inside
for she would never acknowledge.
She was strong for herself
she steeled her heart
she stood tall
she braved the wicked waves
with a glint in her eye.
When the bedroom door closed
and all are asleep
she curled within
letting the pain seep.
She had to be strong for herself
no one else would be
she had to stand tall
show the world she would not cry.
Behind doors fastened shut
emotions contained were let loose
and she felt……
the pain
the fear
the anguish
the anger
the hate.
Screams that were stifled
by day
were released at night.
She felt.
She felt it all.
She fell to her knees
for strength only goes so far
until it becomes too much
and strength is not enough any more.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
May 26/18
Photo by MMPR on Unsplash

Benign Neglect

I am sitting here having my coffee this morning a little tired and cranky. I could easily pass it off onto the cats who were doing the chase around the house at 3:23 a.m. using myself as a part of their obstacle course but this is not the sole reason.

For those who don’t know the whole story let me give you a bit of history. It has been 2.5 years since the Ex and me split. He fought me tooth and nail that we would share custody of T.  Sharing is different from joint custody. Shared is a straight 50/50 split. One week T is with me, one week with his dad. Not always perfect but it has worked.

This passed January, the Ex’s girlfriend began going to school during the day and had to work nights. As does he. So I agreed that T could come and spend the nights here while they were working. It was going to be for six months. She is done next month.

Beginning of April when I returned to work I explained to the Ex that he would need to stop here and pick T up on his way home from work Saturday a.m. as I began at 9. This is when I learned that for the previous month and a half, he has not been working Friday nights. Yet he not only did not tell me, he also did not pick T up until mid-Saturday afternoons. Well I guess you would think that shock would be my most prominent feeling. It wasn’t. I was more resigned.

T has been mentioning to me that his dad spends little time with him. Always in the shop working. Or on the weekends drinking. Hanging out with his friends. And T is suppose to stay until Monday mornings but has been coming home on Sunday for the last several weeks.

I received a text in the middle of the night. Well, 1:40 a.m. I woke up realizing that I had heard my phone go off. Before everyone is like wth is her phone on for I have two reasons. 1) T was at a sleepover at M’s. And despite her being a nurse and my inability to do anything were something to happen given that we live an hour apart, I leave my phone on just in case. 2) Mom. Again, I know that I can do nothing if something happens to her, but I don’t want to be waking up to a call from my bro about it.

I had been lead to believe that the Ex would not be home until today from his fishing weekend. That he works tonight so T would be staying with me. The working part is correct however he came home yesterday. The text was from his girlfriend. Or rather should I say ex-girlfriend. They had just broken up.

She was messaging me to ask that I keep T today until she was done moving out. That she did not want him to see that. I messaged her back and than shot a text to the Ex asking WTF? I have yet to hear from him. I don’t expect to because he is going to be hung over and dealing with a bitchy ex-wife is probably not at the top of his to do list.

We, she and I messaged for about an hour. His drinking is getting worse. He is not acting like himself. Refusing to change. Refusing responsibility except to himself. And it was never clearer to me that I had married a man so like my dad I am disgusted with myself.

Drink. Wreck lives. Pass out. Contrition. Rinse. And Repeat.

He is charming I will give him that. When he wants to be. But as a companion he sucks shit. She said to me last night that she hoped he would learn to love again. Now that could be a shot a me for destroying his ability but it wasn’t. The truth of the matter is that the Ex, he loves himself first and foremost. T, the ex-girlfriend, me we are/were pulled into his orbit. I have been able to pull myself out but T he is still there.

I am sad really. Sad because I believe that beneath the infantile man who puts his needs and wants before everyone else, is someone who could be a really great dad. Who could teach his son how to be a kind and decent man. Sad because I stand on the sidelines watching my child hurt and can only ease the pain so much. Sad because I am watching history repeat itself.

Benign neglect is more disheartening than straight up neglect.

There is always that hope that the other person with change. It is a futile wish.

**Photo is mine taken at Matlock Beach, Manitoba last summer**