Today has been a heck of a day. I have gone from crying to calm to excitement to being content.
When I woke up this morning, I already was in a not terrific mood. I was feeling out of sorts and walking into the mess of my kitchen and looking into the living room did not help. I also had slept for 9 hours which is unusual. I had a dream which is awesome because for a long while I have not been able to remember them. The last three nights I have not only dreamed but remembered what they were. I grabbed the broom and began to sweep the kitchen and hallway, grousing under my breath as I did. I had only asked T about 100x Saturday to please sweep the floor to no avail. I continued my grousing as I did the dishes. Annoyed about the smallest things.
I ground my coffee and set it to brew when I realized what was going on. I went over to T and told him that it was not his fault. That although I was annoyed and grousing that it was not because of him. I return to work tomorrow. I really do not want to. Alas, I have yet to win the lottery so I must earn a living somehow. It is not that I am afraid to go back, V is in tomorrow and P and K have told me to text them and they will assist as they can. It is that I do not want to go back period. Although my being at home is due to a depressive episode, the time with T has been amazing. I have been able to write and get myself back on track.
I sent out a few messages and got encouragement from all. But I really wanted to talk to my mom. No matter what, no matter how much support was shown to me, I needed mom. I had Skyped her last night wanting to talk but she was not available. So this morning after getting my coffee and settling on my bed, I messaged her and asked if she was around. Got a yes and told her that I was going to Skype. This was the first time that I used my Notebook to do so and after closing the bedroom door, I set it on the pillows so that I did not look like I was sitting in the shadows. And we talked. About this and that. I told her my news and we celebrated that as well.
The discussion took a bit of a dark turn when he came into the conversation. I explained to mom that my way of dealing with him popping into my brain is to say go away over and over again until he does. I refuse to give him any power. he is a nonentity. Although will come into conversation on occasion. There will be times that I cannot avoid talking about him but he can no longer hurt me.
Our conversation turned from that to the trip that the three of us had taken to the Outer Banks of The Bahamas. I was either 4 or 5. The first leg of the trip was on Air Canada. It was awesome. I had this book of activities to do that I got on the plane! I still remember that book even if I do not remember what the games or activities were about. This was the first airplane ride I had been on. I was excited. The second leg was in a smaller plane and well, I did not fair well on that one. I threw up into those lovely small sick bags they use to provide on planes.
Mom mentioned that she had been thinking about it lately, and did I remember the starfish I had found. And I do, clear as day. I also recall that I sang Twinkle Twinkle little star with Michael. He worked at the resort we were staying at and I had a wee crush on him. I admit that I do not actually know if I have a real memory of that or if it is because it is a story we have told over and over again. But as we talked I suddenly became excited because I remembered us going on a walk and there was a derelict pink home. Iron railing/fencing around it and vines on the side of it. It was like a Spanish hacienda I bellieve. Mom knew what I was talking about too. It was an awesome feeling.
I ended my conversation with mom and went to get myself the rest of my coffee. I proceeded to begin my way through all my emails. I am not overly popular, it is that I have it set up so that I get instant notification/email when one of the bloggers I follow posts. I hate missing anything you guys write/post about. It was delightful laying there reading and interacting. I played around for a little bit on Clockmaker and than dressed as M was coming to get K-T and I had told her I would do her taxes for her. I get UFile every year and can do up to 4 returns. I usually only do mine and the Ex’s so figured I would offer to do hers because it is super easy and why pay when I have 2 returns left to use? Turned out though that we did not have all the information so I cancelled it and will continue when I everything I need.
After they left it was time to clean T’s room. His room has the lived in look of a boy’s room. Lego everywhere. Paper everywhere. Clothing everywhere. I did not require a haz-mat suit but it was close. Oh he bitched and moaned that he had to help. And it was taking forever. And when can he be done? And mom can I take a break? I said sure, but you are coming back at 2 to help. Well by 2 I was done. Bed made, floors cleaned and vaccumed and clothing all sorted and hung up or folded and put away. I told him that now I would not be embarassed for anyone to see his room and that I expected it to stay that way.
There was a little squirmish about him assisting with the rest of the apartment so I decided that I would vaccum living room and all that is left for tomorrow is washing the floors and the bathroom. Not totally out of hand.
The exciting news was that as I was sitting on the floor in T’s room, sorting through papers and lego and cars, I had an idea for a book. And I am pumped. I even have points already jotted down for things I want to cover. Although K thought that it would most likely be marketed as a self-help book it is really about my experiences with depression and how I have come out on the other side. All of us have different stories and different ways of coping but sometimes, even when people have the best intentions we still feel all alone. I want to try to get across that none of us are really alone, there is always someone to reach out to.
As my day winds down, I am still on the fence about returning to work tomorrow. T has decided that he would like to go and see his dad after school tomorrow although it is my week. I am okay with this as he is going on three weeks with only having seen his dad three times. I am in 9-1 tomorrow and after I come home I plan to go for a walk and finish my chores than sit down and write. I have ideas you see and they keep spinnning around. More so because it is based on my life, and I will be using blog posts and poetry, I can write it out of order and than put it all together.
Despite having started my day off feeling out of sorts and frustrated, I ended up having a great day. I told T that we have to be in bed by 9:30 tonight as I need to be up at 5 to do my workout. He seems to be okay with that. My uniform is ready to go. My brain is focused on my writing as opposed to the worrying that it sometimes falls into which is a great thing. And I am feeling calm and centered. I really could not have asked for a better day.