No One Told Me It Would Be This Hard

Two weeks.
Two weeks and my child turns into a teenager.
I am not ready for this at all.
I cried this morning at work telling two of my co-workers. 😭😭😭😭
I cried telling K and she cried too.
I know that I am doing a good job.
I know that he is smart and responsible.
But he is my baby and I swear to all I know I just gave birth to him yesterday. 👶👱
 
I know that I am not alone in this but really never did I think it would be this hard.
 
He left this morning for his dad’s.
They are going on a fishing trip and the ex is wanting to leave right after he gets off work tomorrow morning.
His girlfriend will be there tonight with T.
I am trying my best not to fret and worry.
I get anxious when he is gone this long from me. 😒
Monday evening I will see him again.
 
It isn’t that I don’t trust the ex but I am blessed/cursed with a wicked imagination.
I can come up with situations that no one else would even consider and end up crying. 😥
I have talked to myself about this.
I am aware that it is anxiety.
Which I hide from T.
So I am planning a weekend of Jay.
Sun tanning. 🌞🌞🌞
Reading. 📖
Spa bath. 🛀
A full pot of coffee. ☕
Sending my anxiety away for a bit.
 
Last night T came barreling out of his room.
 
T: Mom do we have an AAA batteries?
Me: I don’t know look in the drawer.
T: I don’t see any. Are you sure that there are none anywhere else.
Me: If there are none in the drawer than  no I need to get some.
T: I won’t be able to turn my t.v. on and off. Or adjust the volumn.
Me: Use the buttons on the t.v.
T: I have buttons on my t.v. ?
 
He leaves and goes into his room.
 
T: J did you know there were buttons on the t.v.? This is cool.
 
I laughed and shook my head at the same time. 😂😂😂🤦🤦🤦🤦
Where did I go wrong?
In some cases he is so smart and has brilliant ideas. ☺☺☺
In others I wonder how he ties his shoes on his own. 😜😜😜
 
©July 21/21
Picture via Pinterest

Bleak Moored

Once
(pause, sigh)
I would have felt
drowning
sucked
drawn beneath burgeoning waters
breath held
lungs filled
eyes limpid
sightless
drugs
alcohol
vacuum inside
no where to run
no where to hide.
That once
was my life.
Sea of emotions
swamped
overwhelmed
high
low
no in between
no peace
no serenity
manic laughter
sawing at nerves
reverberates
through tired mind
just want to lie down
just want to let go
just want…..
Strength in spades
I have
powerless
paralyzed with fear
broken
breaking
no longer able to hold
finger tips bleeding
clutching
broken ledge
eating into
poisoned skin
painted cherry smile
even as mouth trembles
down turned.
Fraud
fake
failure
screaming through my mind
turn away from mirrored eyes
pushing down nightmared dreams
pretending
life has meaning.
©Nov. 26/20
Picture is my own
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