Directory of Pain

***This poem portrays a very bleak vision of myself. While I do have a constant mental health checklist I am going over every so often I wonder if I am fooling myself. I am not anywhere near the darkness portrayed in this poem.***

Peering
nose pressed to mirror
eyes darting
checking
evaluating.
Lackluster smile
tired from being on
day in
day out
cheerleader for all
no one to cheer me.
Lines etched
creased
no longer smile
frown
pursed lips
unhappy
pressing closer
looking for
trying to find
the girl
the one I was before.
Listening
intently
is that a whisper
chirp of bitter voice
striving to return
tears seep
am I going insane?
am I already there?
Check list
one…..
two…..
three…..
seem to pass
yet it is there
niggling worry
depression riding blackened cloud
ready to attach itself
bleed my beating heart
returning me to desolation
to despair…..
do you hear it too?
©July 7/20
Picture is my own

 

Question of Morality

***Just a note this is not indicative of my feelings right how. It is a throw back to how I have felt when depressed. I am in a wonderfully great space.***
Gouges
furrows dug
down cheeks
blood drips
stains wood upon which I stand
heart no longer feels
no longer beats
with goodness
with haste.
Drop to my knees
screaming
clutching
head
drown the demons
the torture
ripping through my mind
my memory…..
killing me.
Bitter regrets
black rope of depression
reaching
tied to ankle
dragging me to the edge…..
Howls
ferocious
baying at the moon
tension
fear wrought
tears
on my knees begging
for death
for a release
this pain you brought…..
Awaken
eyes blink in terror
lay at my feet
throat shredded
blood seeps
staining my feet…..
red…..
When did you realize it was futile?
When did you realize they would always come?
When…..
©June 28/20
Picture via Pinterest