The Beast Within

The confidence that people see in me, it is fake. The charming smile and happy chatter, I make it all up as I go along. I have learned how to hide the side of me that makes people uncomfortable, the side the requires a little more maintainence than the fake side because no one really wants to know.

My last major depressive episode was almost three years ago now and it was a doozy.  I woke up one Saturday morning and I despised myself.  There was no reason for this but the depth of hatred I felt is incomprehensible today. I began to cry and I could not stop. I was suppose to work that evening and as I sat on the toilet hating myself, tears coursing down my face I could not see the end to the tunnel.

Over a three day period of seeing my doctor and facing some wicked accusations at work and at home, I was done.  I had sunk so deep into the morass I did not even know at that time if I could climb out of the pit that I found myself in. I was put on medical leave from work. I was put on medication and a counselor was found for me. For the first three weeks I was home all I did was sleep, twenty-three of twenty-four hours I was curled up in my bed, ignoring my son, my now ex-husband, my friends, my life. When I was awake I sat in front of the t.v. or the computer, because it was mindless and I did not have to think.

Slowly as the medication began to work and my serotonin levels evened out, I began to crawl towards the light. I thought that maybe I might live through this. That I might actually be alright.  And it was a long journey. It was a slow journey.  I had to confess to my mom my addiction to codeine that I had the year my father died and how I almost killed myself. Not intentionally but I came close. My rotti Nero saved my life that day.

I had to face up to a lot of hard truths about myself. I had to rediscover myself and the parts of me that I had buried for so long. Because that is a part of what depression is. For myself at least. I lose myself in how others perceive me and I am not true. I do not express my anger or sadness but tamp it down so no one really knows what is going on. And truth be told I am not really a good sharer of my feelings.  I talk a lot but for the most part I keep others talking so I do not have to.

I live with this savage beast daily. When I have down days, I wonder is this the start of another episode? When I have super good days  in a row, not just one, but several, I wonder if I am going into a manic episode? Do others view me as unstable? I know that I bounce around a lot and can be hyper but  I never know really if it is the illness or my natural state of being.

I no longer fear the stigma of depression and anxiety. I no longer worry that the beast within is going to destroy me. I have not conquered him but he no longer has his claws dug into my soul, squeezing the colors from my life. We seem to have come to an uneasy agreement. On occasion I will allow him a brief moment of freedom, but than I reseal him tightly into the vault that I have built. On the days that I allow him out, I take a mental health day and curl up on my bed and cry myself to sleep. Those are the days that I really wish to have someone, anyone hold me and just say ‘You will get through this. You have the strength.’ However as I do not share these days it is unlikely to happen.

The beast within. It has the power to drag me under and keep me there but I refuse to bow down to his desires.

 

Can my show be cancelled?

I have had a really bad string of luck or those who know me have had a bad string of luck.  I swear and this is only so I do not loose it and can find the humor in it, somewhere some god/ess or godling is watching an episode of my life. And my life is a comedy in his/her reality.  What I would really like is to have that comedy cancelled.

December turned out to be an absolute horror of a month.  If I chose to I could lament and whine; cry and say how the hell did this happen to me. Instead allow me to give you a visual of the last few weeks and you will understand.

Mon Dec 5/16

Incident with my mom that is all.

Tue Dec. 6/16

10% Tuesday at work. We had a snow storm blow in so the day was relatively quiet.  I was walking towards customer service and pulled my note pad from my pocket. All of a sudden something flips out of my pocket and I glance down. Suddenly horrified my eyes dart from left to right and I lunge downward only to smack my head on the counter. Why? Because a condom had flown out of my pocket. Turns out that it was a packet of tea that had been given to me for my son to try. Greyish blue in color. Like a Trojan condom. Funny thing is that I had just washed my apron and why the hell would there be a condom in my work apron?

Head home. Get stuck in the driveway five times. Five times. Finally am able to pull up. As I take the garbage down I slip and fall. Head slammed into the concrete. But hey, I didn’t drop my cigarette.

Knock on neighbor’s door because damn it someone should feel sorry for me. She informs me that she will be texting me every hour.  All night. To make sure I do not have a concussion. And she does.

Wed Dec. 7/16

Get up and go to work. Snow everywhere. Almost get stuck. Get out of car at work and nearly slip beneath it. Ouch.

Thur Dec. 8/16

I know something happened here but believe I may be blocking it out.

Fri. Dec. 9/16

Things are settling into the holiday rhythm at work. Carts have been moved into the mall so need to move back into lobby to have ready for the day. Also ended up cashiering a lot. Sudden pain in my back. I have never in my life experienced pain like this. One side of my body seized up. There was a dagger jammed beneath my shoulder blade piercing the muscle so that when I moved pain ripped through me. Went to walk in clinic. Am not sure how I finished my shift.

At walk in discover that I have whiplash. From falling and hitting my head. I had no idea that that was even possible.

Sat. Dec 10/16

Thank god the weekend can finally begin. Son is coming home at 5. Off at 2:30. Go out to my car pumped that I am going home and can relax after the week that I have had. Get into car and it won’t start. Well it turns over but it won’t fire. Ask my girl friend to boost me. She does, for two hours before ex comes and tells me I need to have it towed to his place. Awesome.

That was the start…..the next week doesn’t even come close to getting better. I look at this week and wonder how the hell did I survive? And if I remember correctly the boyfriend was suppose to come out on Friday and ended up really sick. And you wonder why I think that the god/ess or godling is having a laugh at my expense. It is funny once you get through it.