New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own

Perfectly Imperfect

Wretched
hollowed eyes
staring into the mirror
aghast
this wraith
is it truly me?
Wrapped
pained chains
swathed in miasma
unable to swim free.
Blackened shadows
in the depths
reaching out
tentacles
lashed around
pull me downward.
Drowning
gasps
unable to see
preservation is key.
I cannot 
I am afraid
a child unacknowledged.
Fast forward…..
Looking back
to that woman
broken
lost
defeated
I was…..
To this woman
cracked
crazy
filled with love
acceptance of self
so lacking before
I now have in spades.
I have swum many an ocean…..
pain
tears
addiction
to arrive upon these shores
not in perfection
but in perfect imperfection
love me as I am.
©Dec. 10/19
Picture is my own