My Fault

I first saw him
standing along the shoreline
quiet contemplation
handsome brow
lean physique.
I slowly walked by
furtitive glances from beneath my lashes
wondering if he noticed me
at all?
I found the courage
the ability to say hello
though my voice cracked
my hands trembled
I stuttered over my tongue.
We talked
listened
heard the stories
each had to tell
so smart
intelligent
caring
he had me fooled.
Waters painted golden
blood red
by the setting sun
he turned to me
tender smile….
pushing me back
he ripped my clothing
telling me it was all my fault.
With tears on my cheeks
I stared beyond his heaving shoulder
my infatuation destroyed
savaged
murdered
as the misdeed went on.
Sept. 20/18
Photo by Kat J on Unsplash
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Ugliness

I really had not wanted to go
a ball
in which one masquerades as someone else
but I went
as requested by a friend of the host.
I dressed myself as a gentleman
with tails
with top hat
a monocole on my eye
a cane in my hand
spinning as I walked the room.
Gaggles of girls
dressed in their finest
netted hair
jeweled busts
I could not help noticing
the glances thrown my way.
Off to the side
a young girl sat
alone
her dress
well
not so becoming
which I am sure she knew.
As I drew along next to her
I could hear the vicious whispers of the mean girls.
‘Do you see what she is wearing?’
‘Who told her she looked good in that color?’
The list of deficiencies included:
Hair drab and lifeless
Figure round and in need of a diet.
Nose to piggish rhinoplasty might be required.
As I listened with quiet horror
I realized that she too
this young jewel of a girl
was able to hear them.
I glided to a halt next to her
held out my hand
offering her respect
self worth
all that I can.
She placed her hand in mine
graceful as a ballerina she stood
we turned for the dance floor.
I saw those jealous girls glowering
and turned to them with a smile
my pithy comment
leaving them undone.
‘Where my young friend here will bloom with life
you shall always be ugly on the inside.’
August 31/18
Photo by Léonard Cotte on Unsplash

Plastic Girl

Pious in nature
glaring down
eyes piercing
mouth downward turning
you stare at me
making me feel
making me tremble
with your disgust.
I want to be me
you want me to be right
to be good
to be what you want me to be.
Never once did you look to see
never once did you llisten
never once did you heed my words
instead
turning me into a plastic doll
one who could be posed
ordered
taught to be like you.
espousing all that is good
you crushed me beneath your heel.
I finally decided
enough is enough
I can no longer be
this doll of yours
I need to be me.
Aug. 27/18
Photo by Esteban Lopez on Unsplash

Return from Hell

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.’
Steep steps
chiseled
hewn from black stone
back lit a flaming red
globs of lava thrown about
while demons howl
not with shame
not with fear
with blood lust
as the hunger bleeds through.
Crawling downward
ever downward
each level passing
as I search within the gloom
there is one I want
one I will kill
for all the pain
all the anguish he has caused.
At my back
demons scream
throwing bolts of flame
illuminating the darkness before me
I grimace
scorched by fire
but revenge shall be mine.
Finally the one I seek appears
bolted to the wall
fear
pain
sadness
soaking through my desire
my need
my retribution
I squint with fear.
In lowering myself
in giving in
to satisfaction that will be felt
I demean
I debase
the marrow of my being.
I draw myself up
strength returning
I look him in the eye
‘There shall never more be hope
I release you to Satan’s care.’
Head thrown back
he screams in terror
seeing the disjointed maws
black
salivating
thick gobs of spit
spun out as ropes
further tying him to the wall.
Stand aside
watch the horde rush in
my hands
clean they will remain
as I climb back up the stairs.
Aug. 19/18

Serenity

Like a small child

hunkered down

hiding

dreading the blow to come

so do you

make yourself so big

so boistrous

that all are distracted by the gloss.

The pains are less

washed down with spirits

with tainted love

drowning in disbelief

how did it come to this?

Within

I see the potential

I see the man you could rise to be

if only….

you gave yourself a chance

if only….

you realized happiness could be ours

if only…..

you could see yourself

through my eyes.

Understanding gained

pain released

hold me close

never let go

your serenity I will always be.

 

 

Caught

When you look at me

your smile on your lips

my stomach does a flip

and butterflies soar.

When you touch my hand

pulling me in close

my breath catches

as I stare in your eyes.

I keep telling myself

not to do this

not to fall

for heartache is brutal

I have felt.

Swooning

your lips pressed to my ear

you whisper sweet nothings

stroking my hair.

Even as I fall

even as I let go

I know deep down

this happiness is fleeting.

I do not care.

I will live.

I will love.

I will be myself.

 

 

I am a Queen

Trying out this new thing;
Called Adulting.
I seem to have grown once more
without even realizing it.
No longer do I feel worthless
no longer do I feel alone
no longer do I speak to myself
degrading
causing panic dear.
Oh yes
the blackest voice is there
whispering
hissing
making me doubt….
myself….
my abilities….
me.
Countered with
a litney of good:
Funny
Smart
Beautiful
Independent
words to some
lifelines
to keep me sane.
I stand
the pier soaked beneath my feet
deep cleansing
breath in breath out….
Golden Girl.
Golden Queen.
Golden Princess
no more.
Queen of my life
Queen of my destiny
Queen of my confidence.
Queen of my Soul.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 2/18
Photo by Matthew Brodeur on Unsplash