Guardian of Life

Born
as all are
tiny dew drop
slick upon leaf
golden prism
light breaks
giving birth
to a living angel.
Life was a trial
abuse
abandonment
fear
depression
heartache
piled
rock
upon 
rock
a cairn
built with tears
with broken bones
with broken heart
yet still
a smile
she wore upon her face.
Sticks and stones
faced them all
allowing not bitterness
no recriminations
emphatic she was
to forgive them all.
As night’s last light fades
she stands
atop hill
hands raised
praise given
to Mother Earth
a healing 
if one will
started
with one small forgiveness.
 
©Sept. 2/20
Picture is my own

Addiction & Me

Oh lordy I bet y’all groaned seeing that headline. Not another one of her posts about addiction and drinking and quitting. How many times do we have to read about this? Gonna give this one a pass no offense…….none taken.
Many a time I have announced loud and proud that I am going to quit drinking. I have gotten as far as 4 weeks in the last while before that voice the one that says one or two is okay knowing full well it is going to turn into more than that and I cave. The amount of alcohol I have been consuming is far beyond healthy amounts. And am needing more and more to feel that buzz. Only more and more leads to feelings of disgust and loathing. Recriminations. I feel lousy. Am down and feeling ugly. I berate myself over and over again. In doing so I begin to feel I am in a loop-worry I am suffering a relapse in depression without noticing-drink-wake in morning feeling awful-cycle begins all over again.
Again consumed way way too much in passed several weeks. Monday I am in lobby doing carts which gives me alone time. Does not pick up until later in the morning so as I am cleaning and moving/organizing self for the day I begin a conversation with myself……about drinking…..about reasons why……truth that I do not even like to drink. I do not like blacking out-thankfully at home but not cool…..down on self because of the drinking…..drink because I am bored……drink because that is what I do…..an addictive habit that I must break.
Next is the truth……if I do not quit now I am going to kill myself drinking. Not because I am running away. Not because I cannot face life. Because I like the way it tastes….just like I did when I smoked…..gonna kill me but I loved how it tasted.
I have an app on my phone called Daylio. I love this little guy. First downloaded in 2018 to help me track my moods…..activities……to keep me on track so that I could monitor self and not fall off into such a black hole ever again. You can even back up to your Google account so that you never loose data. And it reminds you every two weeks or so to backup. Weekly you get a report showing you what your average rating was and your activities. You can also set goals. With Premium I believe you can unlock more goals but I have the free version so I can set one goal.
The goal I have chosen is Sobriety. Every day when my activities come up when I check sober and save I am told how many days I have been keeping track of my moods. I also get a daily streak for my goal. With a blue flame.
I am on day 6.
For many that may seem trivial. It is ok. We all look at life and how we handle our addictions differently. My biggest understanding came from the fact I drink out of boredom. Which has got to be one of the worst reasons in the world to drink. When do I get bored? In the evenings when Tember is with his dad. The weekend that Tember is gone. Even during the week Tember is here.
This week on Tuesday Tember and me went grocery shopping. We hung out laughing and joking around. Made supper together. It was rotissiere chicken and salad. Prep time all of my tearing up the lettuce and Tember ripping pieces of chicken off and plunking on plate. Only once did I have a slight struggle and that was yesterday. Wine is not really alcohol flashed through my brain…..no……no……no……it is hot as hell but there is other stuff you can drink. And I did. Pepsi. Water. Ate a bunch of candy. Bought $38 in candy and nuts for the weekend. The nuts are gone. And sugar craving done. Into the cupboard they go until next sugar fit.
Game plan:
  1. Ignore the voice telling me it is ok to have one. It is never ok. It is ok to tell that voice to go fuck itself.
  2. Money. Gonna save a lot of money.
  3. Energy
  4. Clearer skin/eyes
  5. Shinier/ softer hair
  6. Smarter (lol okay maybe not but I appear so)
  7. Creativity spikes (that is never bad)
  8. Easier on self
  9. Enjoying small things
Hard part of this…..nothing…..lie……saying no to self once I have several days/weeks down…..I have to this time…..I really want to this time….
Like making my bed every day I will develop a new non-drinking habit. I have done so in the past. I will do so again. I am strong. I am weak. I have a wonderful support system. I can do this….I know I can.
©July 25/20
Picture is my own