To Be Counted…..

Twisted
dark gloom
shadows gather in corners
tears shed
become rambling roses
thorns jabbing
blood welling
it has all come again.
Circle upon circle
hell upon hell
looking with desperation
screaming with terror
there is no way out
no steps
no chinks in the wall
stand
looking up
wanting to be there
no here…..
in the depths of misery
in the depths of pain
in the depths of self-hatred.
Body used to tempt
drugs to defend
alcohol to bury the memories
driving myself forward
to forget a past
to forget the tortures I faced.
Falling
falling
falling
heart racing
tears falling
non-stop
cannot see
I only know I need this hurting to stop.
Looking back today
upon the journey I have taken
the road that I am still moving forward on
the emotions I feel
allow myself to feel
accepting help from others
accepting that I am important
accepting that I am worthy of love.
The steps taken
long since 
I have stopped counting.
I continue to move along this life of mine
only now
I can enjoy this trip I am on.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own

Cute I am Not…..

I am not a sweet little kitten.
I am not a marshmallow
with an ooey gooey center
sweet upon the tongue.
I am a warrior.
I fought through hell
to stand on my own
without safety handholds.
I am a dragon.
Breathing fire
vanquishing my enemies
who dare to laugh
to taunt
to derail the truth that I embrace…..
the reality that is mine.
I am a wolf.
Running free
bounding through snow
cavorting with my pack
bold
sleek
fast
I will not be caught
I will not be tamed.
I am wild.
I stand tall
ferocious
protecting myself
warning off those who come near
intent on destruction
poisoned lips whispering dead words
trying to break down
take down
that which is not understood.
I am a goddess.
I am a woman.
I am terrifying.
Seriously……
Stop it…….
Stop laughing……
I so can be ferocious. 
(Pouting & stomping feet)
©Dec. 9/19
Picture via Pinterest

No More……

Time
rolls forward
never backward
for if it did
all who regret
who dismay
would want to try to change
the mistakes of their pasts.
Are they truly mistakes?
I don’t know about you
but me
my mistakes
they are what have molded me
what have changed me
what have made me the woman I am…..
Yet I am not only my mistakes.
I am my strength.
I am my dreams.
I am my truth.
My desires.
I am me.
Missing…..
forgotten…..
strength……
truth…..
me…..
A butterfly
erupting from its cocoon
bursting upward
caught within the halestrome
free finally……
Belief is a many faceted thing
when lost
laying broken at ones feet
head hung
tears crying.
No more.
No more loss.
No more grief.
No more……
No more
is my new mantra
positive
freeing
for no more
shall I fall at anyone’s feet
I am my truth
my healing…..
myself.
March 11/19

Never Again

I hear you.
Chirping away at me.
Chirp.
Chirp.
Chirp.
First time you lied 
should have known better
should have shown you the door.
Second time you lied
I crossed my fingers
hoping that you were done.
Third time…..
Well damn girl…..
I was just an idiot
so lost in lust
I could not see straight.
My desire for you
my obsession with you
all consuming
eating away at me.
Back and forth I go.
Do I love you?
Or do I not?
My lack.
My confidence
gone to black.
Fed your ego
made you so tender
basked in my adoration
how does it feel
now that I am gone?
I saw you.
I see you.
I miss you.
I no longer need you.
Love you still.
Protecting my heart…..
shielded…..
shackled…..
lost
caged…..
found
in your hand or mine
shall never know.
Forgiving I am.
Wiser.
My worth.
My knowledge.
Myself.
Never again
will I forget
who I am
who I am meant to be.
Never again will I lose me.
 
March 2/19
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

My Fault

I first saw him
standing along the shoreline
quiet contemplation
handsome brow
lean physique.
I slowly walked by
furtitive glances from beneath my lashes
wondering if he noticed me
at all?
I found the courage
the ability to say hello
though my voice cracked
my hands trembled
I stuttered over my tongue.
We talked
listened
heard the stories
each had to tell
so smart
intelligent
caring
he had me fooled.
Waters painted golden
blood red
by the setting sun
he turned to me
tender smile….
pushing me back
he ripped my clothing
telling me it was all my fault.
With tears on my cheeks
I stared beyond his heaving shoulder
my infatuation destroyed
savaged
murdered
as the misdeed went on.
Sept. 20/18
Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

Ugliness

I really had not wanted to go
a ball
in which one masquerades as someone else
but I went
as requested by a friend of the host.
I dressed myself as a gentleman
with tails
with top hat
a monocole on my eye
a cane in my hand
spinning as I walked the room.
Gaggles of girls
dressed in their finest
netted hair
jeweled busts
I could not help noticing
the glances thrown my way.
Off to the side
a young girl sat
alone
her dress
well
not so becoming
which I am sure she knew.
As I drew along next to her
I could hear the vicious whispers of the mean girls.
‘Do you see what she is wearing?’
‘Who told her she looked good in that color?’
The list of deficiencies included:
Hair drab and lifeless
Figure round and in need of a diet.
Nose to piggish rhinoplasty might be required.
As I listened with quiet horror
I realized that she too
this young jewel of a girl
was able to hear them.
I glided to a halt next to her
held out my hand
offering her respect
self worth
all that I can.
She placed her hand in mine
graceful as a ballerina she stood
we turned for the dance floor.
I saw those jealous girls glowering
and turned to them with a smile
my pithy comment
leaving them undone.
‘Where my young friend here will bloom with life
you shall always be ugly on the inside.’
August 31/18
Photo by Léonard Cotte on Unsplash

Plastic Girl

Pious in nature
glaring down
eyes piercing
mouth downward turning
you stare at me
making me feel
making me tremble
with your disgust.
I want to be me
you want me to be right
to be good
to be what you want me to be.
Never once did you look to see
never once did you llisten
never once did you heed my words
instead
turning me into a plastic doll
one who could be posed
ordered
taught to be like you.
espousing all that is good
you crushed me beneath your heel.
I finally decided
enough is enough
I can no longer be
this doll of yours
I need to be me.
Aug. 27/18
Photo by Esteban Lopez on Unsplash