Crazy Cravings

So now that the news is out I can tell everyone that K is pregnant. Not that any of you know her in person but you have read it here. I was the only person K told the day after she took the pregnancy test, we were screaming and hugging in the cash office.

Now like women who work together, even though I am in menopause, K and I were still synced. For me it was moods and hot flashes. Now I am beginning to also have some of her pregnancy symptoms. Crying. Angry. Laughing. Crazy. Mood. Being an Empath I pick up her moods really quickly and absorb some of her energy from her.

Last night I woke up and was wanting something sweet. But I did not have anything. I stood in front of the cupboard, doors open, not wearing my glasses and in the dark, trying to decide on what I wanted. Decided on the veggie thins, pulled the box down and crammed three of them in my mouth.

For some reason I went over to the fridge and opened the door. Lo and behold the cake T had iced and brought home last week was still in the fridge. I admit that I have been scooping icing off and eating it. I did not even hesitate last night and took a scoop of icing, stuck my finger in my mouth, which still had veggie thins in it, chewed and swallowed, crawled back into bed and was out like a light.

I told K this morning and she howled. Her wish/curse (LOL LOL) is that I will take on some of her labor pains. Not so sure about that one but I will be there to give her encouragement along the way. Not at the hospital though, she is annoyed enough with how easy my birth was for T.

I am so excited for K and her significant other. This is a huge step in their journey together. And I know that they are going to absolutely rock it.

My Best

Picture via Facebook. Created by @treeowl

I am at my best. Every time I push myself to write. Every time I have an idea. I no longer strive for perfection. I am happy how I am. I will grow and evolve but always as I do I will be doing my best.

“I am a woman with dreams that I am finally ready to persue. I am beginning to think that this is my evolution and I am awakening from hibernation.”

I wrote both of those statements yesterday in regards to myself. I was having a conversation with a friend at the time. And after I made both of these, I had a profound sense of relief. That another piece of the puzzle has slide into place.

Recently when asked to do something, my response has been ‘I will do my best.’ Prior to this, I would take on more and more work or tasks pushing myself beyond the limits that I impose on others so as to not overwork and burn them out. But not Jay. Jay is Superwoman and she can go for years on empty with a false smile on her face. (Yes I realize that I wrote about myself in the 3rd person but I have found another topic for myself to ponder) I do have limits though. I may crash through all the barriers before I come to the firey crash but it will end. And away I go down a road of disrepute.

Back to my best. My best is going to have to be good enough. For those who are use to me going above and beyond, well they are going to have to get use to this me. The me who is not going to keep her fingers on all the pulses. The me who is going to live life and work her job. Not work her life and live her job. The me who is right here, happy and well along the way to healthy. Both physically and mentally.

When the statement ‘I cannot wait to see you at your best’ was made to me, I did not even hesitate to think before shooting back the above response. What do you mean see me at my best? I am at my best. I give my all and if that falls short for you, well my friend I guess you are missing out on this me and you are looking for a me that does not exist. Now I know that he did not mean anything rude by his statement and I did not take it as such.

Yet again it made me think about how I have been in the past. Previously if this comment was made to me, I would have gone into a tailspin. To me that would have meant that I was failing at something and I needed to shore up the defences. I would panic and force myself to work hard, push more. For what? To fall apart when I cannot meet that ideal I have created for myself. No one else did this, this is a reaction that I have built into me. Oh wait, yes someone did help to create this mess but I am already leaving it behind me.

As for my dreams. What do I dream of? I dream of writing every single day. And I do. I dream that I will win the lottery. Haven’t yet but I keep on buying and dreaming. I dream of what T and me are going to do this summer. I dream of romantic dinners and walks under the moon. Ha, that one is a dream dream. I dream.

These are not the dreams I allowed myself before. Before it was all about ensuring that I had my head on straight. Took care of the bills the rent the loan putting food on the table. I was the responsible one at all times. This is not to say that I am going to ditch my responsibilities and run off to live on a beach somewhere (however we will add that to the romance and winning lottery dream) but I am reprioritizing. My dreams are very important. Never again am I going to stifle, deny myself the dreams that I have.

I am shaking the dust off my wings and I am going to soar higher than I have ever been. 🙂