Blackened Husk

***At first I thought that this was going to become positive. It has not. This is not at all how I feel now. It is a recollection of how I felt in the days leading up to my big KABOOM! 4 more days***
Pallid specter
grey
anguished features
pain
unbidden
unwanted
would give anything for it to go away.
Discomfort…..
what all feel 
when I am present.
Lost
scarecrow straight
stride forward
look neither right
nor left
acknowledge nothing
so much safer this way.
Disquieted…..
easier to pretend
than to actually see
this…..
is what life has done to me.
No longer looking in the mirror
escape the penetrating look
disappointment
that I have not lived up
to the expectations
I force upon myself.
Malaise…..
bites deep
look away
hide away
draw knees in
protect yourself
no one else will.
Time has expired 
leaving me void
my reality
my truth
I hate to say it
but there is no moving forward.
©Dec. 19/19
Picture via Pinterest

New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own

Patience

You know I am here.
Sitting.
Waiting.
Patient. 
A time will come 
when you shall falter
and I…..
well
I will jump in.
Dark desire
I dance under your  skin.
Twisted need
I am the fire in your eyes.
Wanton thirst
I am the blemish on your soul.
Your self-hatred.
Your doubt.
Your history.
I am the one…..
Me…..
I hold the key to you
only though
if you let me out to play.
Black rage
bottled up
close to boiling point
growl in dismay
you know
oh yes you do
you know I will get out.
Ah 
here we go again.
You drink.
You get drunk
You allow me a peek
small glimmer
taste dew tinged air
before you reclaim
take back
your inner space.
I am…..
Nightmares made real.
Riding.
Surfing.
Bumping into your barrier.
I could thump away
kick
scream
try to escape
only to heighten
tighten
your grip on me.
There is no substitute for patience.
With patience comes complacency.
With complacency comes a weakening.
With weakening I shall…..
Terrorize.
Torment.
Torture.
With weakening
I shall break free
never fear 
I am always waiting here.
©June 2/19

Monster

***Of late my darker side is re-emerging which is going to lead to much darker, violent writing. I am in a really super place right now which is why I am becoming more creative. Please do not worry. ****

Razor sharp lips
teeth 
tearing
shredding
disintegrating flesh
scoring lines 
bloody scars
criss cross
tender heart
destroyed by
horror
disillusionment
fear
disappointment.
I stand upon a precipice
fall
fly
drop
soar
no longer do I control
the thoughts
circling around
around……
spiraling
screaming madness
what the hell?
Gore covered hands
no horror
blind obedience
taking my enjoyment
perverse
delighting in screams
I am changing…..
growing…..
I am
the monster in the night.
March 26/19

Untitled Word of the Day Poem #25

***Please note that I am not feeling like this now. ****
Silence
sharp
enveloping
blankets the room
shadows
black as sin
creep around the bed
under
along the walls.
Huddled beneath the blankets
afraid to even breath
monsters
they hide not in the closet
not beneath the bed
locked deep in my head.
Unable to move
wrapped
frozen with fear
small gasps
praying
hoping 
fingers crossed
they will not know I am there.
I have fled
run from
the darkness that bides
within
mind and soul
where it came from
how it stays
I do not know.
Each time the monsters come closer
they devour…..
my being
my confidence
my very existence
until
I am no more.
Feb. 28/19

Untitled Word of the Day Poem #18

***I am in no way feeling this way. It is based on remembrance of last year’s depression time.***
Feelings of weariness
Sunk deep in the grey mimosa
My lips are moving
Though I cannot hear a sound. 
Crackles
Flames formed at my feet
Tenacious
Claws sink deep
Clown’s mask
Hides the bitter smile
Puffy eyes
Vacancy unable to hide
That is not me
The me hidden within
Sore
Bruised
Battered
Scorched cheeks
I fall to my knees
Head hung low
Wishing for death’s peace. 
 
Feb. 13/19

Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017