Worthless

Why?
Why do you
why do I
believe that we are not worthy?
Worthy
Of love
of happiness
of kindness by others.
We shun
spurn
destroy
rather than allow others close.
Easier
to not feel
to act the fool
shy behind a confident mask.
Tears
falling drop drop
head turned aside
ignoring the gnawing pain
that resides deep in out hearts.
Trust
reaching out
admitting need
want to be held
struggling to find the words.
Why?
I want to be found worthy.
I want to be found to love.
I want the happiness

that should be mine.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 9/18

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Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18

Rebirth

Lies drip from your lips

believed as the truth

unable to see

the devious nature of yourself.

Believing.

Feeling.

Hearing.

Satin shackles hold you in place

not able to see

you have the ability to be free.

Pull against the bonds of the past

see that the future is hazy

what is realized cannot be unsaid

now is all that exists.

 

Pillow Head

Mirtazapine. Also known commenly as Remron. Used in conjunction with another anti-depressant to help to alleviate symptoms of major depression At least that was how it was explained to me. One takes it at bedtime as it is suppose to help you to sleep.
I have experience with Remron from 2003. The year after my first diagnosis.
During this time, the pills knocked me right out. I would take them and in 15 minutes be asleep and drooling. The Ex told me that attempting to wake me up was futile, I was comatose. I remember taking them for awhile but quitting. The dosage at that time was 45 mg.
I explained to the Psychaitrist and my counselor that I had previously been on the Remron and described my experience. Both felt that it was the dosage and the fact that I was also self-medicating as well way back when. They felt that it was safe enough because I was going to be on the smallest dosage of 7.5 mg.  Given how it had previously affected me, I wanted to experiment with the meds when T was not here. I was not comfortable thinking that something could happen and I would not awaken.
Saturday night I took it around 11ish. By 11:30 I was feeling groggy and having difficulty keeping my eyes open. Not so bad, it didn’t just swoop in and swamp me. I slept straight through the night. I woke up at 7 a.m. on Sunday and felt as though I had been drinking the night before. My head was full of stuffing, my mouth was dry, my teeth scuzzy. I stumbled into the living room, blinking my eyes, doing face contortions to try and awaken myself.
I thought that it was because it was the first day that I was feeling this way. I decided I would try one more time Sunday evening and after that I would call my counselor and tell him this was a no go.
Sunday afternoon I was feeling tired and out of sorts. Which is unusual for me. I went and laid down in my room and fell asleep. Was out for about an hour. When I woke up I felt like I had slept hours. My head was aching and again my mouth felt dry. Even Sunday evening I felt really off. I still took the pill willing to give it one more chance.
I again slept straight through awakening to the alarm at 6 a.m. Again, feeling as though I had been drinking the night before. Decided right than and there that I was not going to be taking this medication any more. I spent my day much as I did on Sunday, lethargic and I realized that my mood was not where it had been for the last 6 days. I was feeling down.
I could attest that to the fact that I was feeling out of sorts. That because I did not have my normal energy I was stressing a little. Not a lot, not panic like but stressing a bit. But I do not think so. And I did not want to write. My desire to read the blogs I follow was nonexistant. Again not like me at all. And I had been able to read but my interest again had waned.
I also had an hour and a half nap yesterday. Did not feel right. Called my counselor and left a message indicating that I would not be taking the Remron any longer. Which means that they might want to switch my Wellbutrin altogether. I am really leery about that because it does work for me. The fact that I am now having to take the highest dosage does indicate that I may be building up a tolerance to it.
This morning I woke up at 5:05 a.m. Actually Thomas woke me up tapping a claw into me to awaken the misterss so that she could feed me! Got up staggered to the bathroom and crawled back into bed. Did not fall back to sleep but did doze until the alarm went of at 6 a.m. I was not feeling as groggy as the previous two mornings but still did not have the same level of energy that I have been having. Also I was a little snappish with T. Annoyed because he would not even give the new cereal a chance.
I fell asleep after eating breakfast this morning.  I had done my workout when I got back from dropping T at school. But another wave of sleepiness rolled over me and I napped. Another hour and a half gone. And when I woke up my head felt stuffed with fluff again. I know that it is going to take a couple of days for the pills to be completely out of my system and I am drinking a lot of water.
What scares me is the drain on my energy and the fact my mood has gone down. How I have slipped back a little bit. I know that it is not going to last forever. I am still able to do the small things and am pushing through this bleak moment. And that is what it is, a bleak moment. I have tried the Remron again and it does not work. Groggy Jay is on the way out, and Energetic Feeling Good Jay will return. I just need to be patient.

Contradiction

Haunted kisses
moonlit eyes of wonder
trembling caresses
a virgin ripe for the taking.
Offered to the gods
forsaken by her people
left to wander lifeless vistas
as though she is the criminal
the one found to be lacking.
Terror and delight
should not,
could not
co-exist together
in one person
at all times.
But that is what she does.
A contradiction
from every angle
to becoming
every man’s angel.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 16/18

My Mind

***Picture found on Facebook

If I could
I would like to let you enter my mind

so that you can see

what it is like to be me.

To hear the screams so loud

to know they are in your soul

there is no escape,

this is my reality.

To feel the pain so crippling

to know the complete agony

as you are assailed,

this is my home.

If I could,

I would like to invite you into my mind

so that you can see,

but than again

turn away from here

no one needs to know the horror of my mind

except for me.

Jay-lyn Doerksen

January 17/18

Cyclical

I cannot believe how idiotic I am.
As I am driving to the doctor’s office I realize my depression feeds my addiction which in turn fuels my depression.
I am sitting here a lot stunned. Maybe for everyone else it seems really simple however it is an epiphany for me. I need more help than I am able to provide for myself.
Admittedly my anxiety at the moment is through the charts. I took my blood pressure before coming and it was 116/83. As I sit here I can feel my heart racing. My hands are shaking.
I have only ever asked for help with my depression three times. The first time was when I received an actual diagnosis and was put onto medication. Second time was three and a half years ago. And now today.
In my mind though I keep thinking what if no one believes me? What if my claim is denied? What if they do not believe this is serious enough to warrant my taking time off?
I am not suppose to do this. I have had several people tell me to take one step at a time. This is another symptom: I have to control or have answers for everything. For myself, my mind is so chaotic that I need something to focus on that I have control over.
I need help. There is no waffling. No trying to downplay this situation. And I have to believe that I will get it.