Addiction & Me

Oh lordy I bet y’all groaned seeing that headline. Not another one of her posts about addiction and drinking and quitting. How many times do we have to read about this? Gonna give this one a pass no offense…….none taken.

Many a time I have announced loud and proud that I am going to quit drinking. I have gotten as far as 4 weeks in the last while before that voice the one that says one or two is okay knowing full well it is going to turn into more than that and I cave. The amount of alcohol I have been consuming is far beyond healthy amounts. And am needing more and more to feel that buzz. Only more and more leads to feelings of disgust and loathing. Recriminations. I feel lousy. Am down and feeling ugly. I berate myself over and over again. In doing so I begin to feel I am in a loop-worry I am suffering a relapse in depression without noticing-drink-wake in morning feeling awful-cycle begins all over again.

Again consumed way way too much in passed several weeks. Monday I am in lobby doing carts which gives me alone time. Does not pick up until later in the morning so as I am cleaning and moving/organizing self for the day I begin a conversation with myself……about drinking…..about reasons why……truth that I do not even like to drink. I do not like blacking out-thankfully at home but not cool…..down on self because of the drinking…..drink because I am bored……drink because that is what I do…..an addictive habit that I must break.

Next is the truth……if I do not quit now I am going to kill myself drinking. Not because I am running away. Not because I cannot face life. Because I like the way it tastes….just like I did when I smoked…..gonna kill me but I loved how it tasted.

I have an app on my phone called Daylio. I love this little guy. First downloaded in 2018 to help me track my moods…..activities……to keep me on track so that I could monitor self and not fall off into such a black hole ever again. You can even back up to your Google account so that you never loose data. And it reminds you every two weeks or so to backup. Weekly you get a report showing you what your average rating was and your activities. You can also set goals. With Premium I believe you can unlock more goals but I have the free version so I can set one goal.

The goal I have chosen is Sobriety. Every day when my activities come up when I check sober and save I am told how many days I have been keeping track of my moods. I also get a daily streak for my goal. With a blue flame.

I am on day 6.

For many that may seem trivial. It is ok. We all look at life and how we handle our addictions differently. My biggest understanding came from the fact I drink out of boredom. Which has got to be one of the worst reasons in the world to drink. When do I get bored? In the evenings when Tember is with his dad. The weekend that Tember is gone. Even during the week Tember is here.

This week on Tuesday Tember and me went grocery shopping. We hung out laughing and joking around. Made supper together. It was rotissiere chicken and salad. Prep time all of my tearing up the lettuce and Tember ripping pieces of chicken off and plunking on plate. Only once did I have a slight struggle and that was yesterday. Wine is not really alcohol flashed through my brain…..no……no……no……it is hot as hell but there is other stuff you can drink. And I did. Pepsi. Water. Ate a bunch of candy. Bought $38 in candy and nuts for the weekend. The nuts are gone. And sugar craving done. Into the cupboard they go until next sugar fit.

Game plan:

1. Ignore the voice telling me it is ok to have one. It is never ok. It is ok to tell that voice to go fuck itself.
2. Money. Gonna save a lot of money.
3. Energy
4. Clearer skin/eyes
5. Shinier/ softer hair
6. Smarter (lol okay maybe not but I appear so)
7. Creativity spikes (that is never bad)
8. Easier on self
9. Enjoying small things

Hard part of this…..nothing…..lie……saying no to self once I have several days/weeks down…..I have to this time…..I really want to this time….

Like making my bed every day I will develop a new non-drinking habit. I have done so in the past. I will do so again. I am strong. I am weak. I have a wonderful support system. I can do this….I know I can.

©July 25/20

Picture is my own

Parenting Win #2

T came back to me Tuesday after school this week. I drove a friend to the airport on Sunday and than drove home, not along my intended route but hey, I got home in one piece and I will not be anxious doing this again. However that is departures not arrivals. LOL. Monday evening something had come up and as M the ex is beginning a new job next week, one that is going to be nights, he was okay with keeping T the extra day for me.

Monday was no school and T and his dad were hanging out. I have had two different versions of the same story, sorta. It involved clothing and not listening. Again a 9 year old who believes that he knows everything. Due to this, the halloween costume that T wanted was taken away. He did not care. Rapidly, he lost television and computer privileges. Halloween was cancelled, he no longer wanted to go out. I was a little lost but I text K2 (babysitter and friend extraordinaire) and let her know what was going on. Figured that she would get the story out of T and help him see things from a non-confrontational parent-child way.

Sure enough Tuesday I received a call at work from K2 telling me that we were going to be going trick or treating after all. T had started to get excited when he saw the girls dressing up. So he donned mask and cape and off the six of us went. K2 and her hubby, her two girls, T and me. The kids had a blast. Big bags full of candy. Went out for about an hour and a half. On the way home, T admitted to me that while he had fun, it was not as much fun as when you were wearing a costume that you actually wanted to. I figure that without meaning to M2 has taught T a message loud and clear here.

Let us fast forward now to Wednesday. There has been some whining in regards to the use of the computer. The watching of Youtube. I was laying on the couch reading keeping an eye on what T was watching on one hand and the time on the other. It was shower night.

Who knew that showering could be such a difficult concept for a 9 year old boy. Let alone it took me longer to get into the bathroom and start the shower for him than it did for him to shower. 1 minute people, he took 1 minute to wash his body and hair and than he was out. Being environmentally friendly he tells me, I have my suspicions though that he might only stick a toe under the water. I will investigate further and let you know. And now the battle begins.

I had told him before he went in to shower, that his time on Youtube was done for the evening. When he returned 2 minutes later, he went to get on the computer. I said, no Youtube time is done for the night. And he sat down in front of the computer. We than engaged in a 45 minute standoff.

At one point I decided enough was enough so I gathered up phone, kindle and with the cats following, turned the living room light out and crawled into my bed. T followed as well. And layed down at my bedroom door and proceeded to continue his howling. For he was bored. Nothing I suggested was good enough. He wanted his electronics.

Did I really want a bored unhappy kid on my hands or did I want a happy bored kid on my hands? If I did not relent, he was going to take the school bus home to his dad’s. I said alright, I will text and let your dad know. He will just bring you back to me. He was dumpster bored. Despite his explaining that level of boredom I still do not understand. I did though offer to take him down and let him sleep out in the dumpster in our parking lot overnight, and we could revisit the dumpster boredom level this morning. That idea was shot right down.

We even did the countdown of how much time I was wasting for him. By not allowing him to have his own way.  I video taped part of it and sent to his father and a few of my girlfriends. I had to. It was all I could do not to laugh as he caterwauled and screamed. Every so often when he paused for breath I would ask if he was done. When he said no, I allowed him to continue. Finally he wound down and I asked if he was able to listen and hear what I had to say.

T did. Until I reached the part about how his actions have consequences and boom, he is off and running again. Finally I had enough. It was after 9, I had been listening for 45 minutes and was done. I indicated to T it was bedtime and he should go to his bed as I was going to sleep. Oh yes, more screeching and hollering.

I got out of bed and he danced back into his room. So there is the I no longer have to push him into his room, he goes when I get up. And I closed my bedroom door. I was not going to fight with him. I was not going to yell at him. I told him I loved him but it was time now for bed, and as this was my time, I did not have to listen any longer.

There was a little more screaming and sobbing like I had driven over his imaginary best friend, and now I was stressing. All I could think was my upstairs neighbors have now called the RCMP. Awesome. But I had a plan, I was going to make T answer the door and explain that all the screaming was because I would not allow him to watch electronics. Figured I was safe but did go in and mention the possibility to T. With severe protests that the RCMP would not be coming, T began to calm. Eventually he fell asleep.

When he awoke this morning, it was all good. Not cranky. Not upset. We talked and he agreed he was again in the wrong with his behaviour. Rather, I asked did he think that he deserved to watch Youtube this morning and he agreed he did not. Also in agreement that this behaviour would not be repeated. Offered to let him watch the video. T declined. There will be a viewing prior to his returning to his dad’s for next week.

And I told him I was keeping this video until he got married. I want him to have to explain to everyone he knows, and his newly extended in-laws, just what dumpster boredom is all about.