Pigpen

***Originally posted July 2019 on BLC a collaborative blog that is no longer being contributed to.***
I am worried that readers are going to think that the tales I tell of Tember and myself are made up. I could not make this up if I tried to. I have started to keep a folder of the words that come out of my son’s mouth. I have to there are too many funnies uttered.
I am not quite sure as to how to address this. I am hoping that I am not going to offend anyone and if I do, I apologize. We are agnostic. Tember finds it very bizarre that his friends have to spend a couple of hours on Sundays listening to stories. The city we live in was founded by a religious group and is still very strongly Christian based. I do not go around discussing what beliefs we hold and am tolerant of those around me who do believe. Which is everyone I work with in my department.
On the second last day of school driving along when Tember starts to giggle. I look over as I come to a stop.
‘Mom a bug just flew right into my hand. Not that that is unusual.’
‘What do you mean buddy? That you are ugly?’
Yes right there, mother of the year award has been revoked. Tember was staring at me. My mouth was hanging open and my mind was whirring. What the heck?
‘So now I know how you really feel about me mom.’
‘I did not mean to say that buddy. Honestly. I meant to say icky. Icky. The bug flew into your hand because you are icky.’
Horrified. Yes. Laughing so hard I was wiping away tears. Yes. Tember is picking away at me. Now that he knows how I really feel. Have I always thought that he was ugly? Even as a baby? My laughter was contagious and Tember was laughing just as hard.
‘Wait until I tell my friends that my mom called me ugly. Really mom I am never going to be able to believe anything you ever say again.’
‘Buddy I am so sorry. I meant icky. Because you never shower so you are icky and stinky. Bugs Like you. I promise Tember. I am so sorry. Honest to god.
(under my breath) the one we don’t really believe in.’
‘Well that is it mom now I know that I can never trust you.’
‘That right there buddy is a good one.’
 
I dropped him off at school and chuckled all the way to work. The come back……I was impressed with him. He was witty. I thought it was hilarious. However the people I work with did not find it as funny as I did. Which lead me to think that I am very tolerant at work. There are bible quotes in the lunchroom. Conversations. A couple of bibles. Not everyone I work with is Christian but as I have said at least 90% are. I was pfft’d a few times. Finally I stopped telling the story that only I found funny. Given my fear that I was being an idiot and that everyone was going to be offended, I told the girl friends. Who all thought it was hilarious. Told me I had to write about it. So I am.
By the time Tember got home he had forgotten that I had called him ugly. He had new and better stories to share with me. Most of them are icky. Not ugly but icky. I knew that it was going to be bad but what I discovered the other day out ickies all of the ickies. A new species of mould. I have named it Temberitine Moldious. A long sinewy body. Like an eel. And slimy. And I had to touch it. I will get there though.
I was busy doing the dishes and finally caved. I could no longer ignore the plates and cups that he had been stockpiling. I gathered together what I could carry. Plates stacked. A few cups. Deposit beside the sink. Go back. This is where the horror begins.
I grab a plate and realize that there is a peach on there. Covered in mould. I retched. Walked into the kitchen holding it far in front of me. Gagging. I was making horrific noises. A rhino snorting at its enemies maybe. I returned. Weakened by my first meeting of this new breed of mould. I nearly died. There were cups that had swimming eels. There was a plate with mould growing on it. I was retching. Dumped everything into the sink and turned away hot water running into the cups and bowls. When I dumped one of the cups that is when the eel appeared. Like a skim on the top of a pond. As nasty as  that when you touch it. I did. With my bare hand.
I flew across the room to the bathroom. Came back grabbed paper towel and disposed of this eel. I did throw away a cup and a bowl. Tember is with his dad this week so he will only be arriving late in the evening. Next week when he comes back that room is going to be scrubbed from top to bottom before he does anything else. There is now a new rule no cups or bowls or plates in his room. I cannot deal. At least I have him putting his clothes in the laundry basket and it makes its way to the bathroom. Next up he will be learning to clean his room thoroughly.
Tember logic:
I had gone into his room to get the block to charge my Kindle. Could not find it. Pulled up a pillow and was showered with crumbs. Grumbled and left the room. 
When we get home that evening:
‘Tember where is the block?’
‘In my room. On my bed.’
‘I couldn’t find it. Can you get it for me.’
‘Mom were you in my room?’
‘Yeah why?’
‘Why did you move my pillow? It is there to keep the crumbs from getting on my bed. Well now you have to clean this up.’
‘What?’
‘You got the crumbs on the bed. You moved the pillow. You have to clean it up.’
I was hanging onto the counter laughing so hard. Tears. Tember was so mad at me. 
Never did clean up the crumbs. I am pretty sure he slept in them.
ICKY
July 2/19
***Picture is via Pinterest

Double Sleepover Part Deux

Well last evening was an adventure and a half in our household. The boys were a little wild. I made farmer sausage for dinner. Now, since mom had her stroke three years ago and my own struggle with high blood pressure, I have pretty much eliminated the use of salt. I use Mrs. Dash products and if I am using salt it will be a small dash of Pink Himalayan. Well I ended up eating salad and T went for the corn only. The amount of salt was overwhelming. And though this would be an normal amount to most, it was as though we had dumped a box of salt on it before eating. As I am discovering that T does not want to eat the farmer sausage K-T pipes up that he too does not like farmer sausge. Now, I had just finished texting with M who said he would never leave here because he loves farmer sausage. I looked at him and told him exactly that. His response, oh yeah that is right as he pops another piece in his mouth. The kid cleaned his plate leaving veggies behind but eating all the farmer sausage.
The boys spent the majoirty of the evening rowing their boats, racing their cars, playing with lego. A few times I hollered out at them from my perch on my bed to watch it they were going to hit their heads on a) the floor in the kitchen b) the coffee table in the living room. I informed them that I was not going to spend my whole night in the ER because one or both of them have cracked their heads open. This only cut down on the shenanigans for a brief moment but they are boys. Incapable of thinking about the pain until it happens to them.
They disappeared into the bathroom and I heard giggling and splashing. I was not too alarmed as T often does this. Goes in and mixes a bunch of colognes, hand soap and Axe bodywash in the sink. Than he puts his boats or cars in there. Not entirely sure what that is all about as I try very hard to not go in there when he does this. The reason being that the cloying smell of the three mixed Axe colognes coat my tongue and the back of my throat. It is horrendous as it lingers there for an incredibly long time. Both boys are suddenly standing in the doorway to my bedroom (this is my sanctuary little boys are not allowed over the threshold) asking if they can have a bath. I inform them that this is totally inappropriate at their age and they trump me with ‘but we are going to wear swimming trunks.’
Okay so what harm could it cause if I were to say yes? I can see you all shaking your heads and asking if I have gone insane. Why on earth would I allow them to take a bath? Well for one they would be clean, cleared of all the chocolate smeared on their faces and they would not stink. Unless they reapplied the Axe. I was hopeful. A mother can wish can’t she?
I can hear them banging around in there and a few times I poked my head in to make sure all was good. The last time I realized they had taken two
St. Ives face washes (full) and used them in the bathtub. All of them. I may have had a small flip out. Did not raise my voice but informed T that his money was going to be used to replace them. I was a little harsher than I should have been. I can only use the banishment to my bedroom as an excuse. Lastly when I went into the bathroom once they were out, I realized that my brand new bottle of Wild Honeysuckle cream that I had not used yet was missing some. I stuck my head out of the bathroom waving the bottle and asking if they used it. Both boys adamently denied it.
We were all in bed by 10:30. I turned my phone off which is rare for me but I figured that nothing important would happen over night. Boy was I wrong. K was having a small issue and I awoke at 6 a.m. to discover 6 1 minute voice texts on messenger. You would be surprised what a woman could say in 6 minutes. I groggily sent a return message and said I would respond more coherently when I had some coffee in me. (As an aside the Ex sent me an apology last night which made me cry)
I am in brushing my teeth when I realize that there is a blob of cream in the bathroom sink so I go out with toothbrush in the corner of my mouth and the bottle of body cream in the other. I explained to the boys that I had them. There was a clump in the bottom of the sink. T looks at me and says but we did not use in the sink, we used it in the bathtub. I stared at him incredulously. Did he really try to get out of this on a technicality? Because I said sink and not bathtub? I laughed. (I had taken the toothbrush out of my mouth so they weren’t only hearing a mumble of words). I told T that he should be a lawyer if he was going to do that. And than I said that they should never lie to me. Stretch the truth. Twist it on a technicality. I will always find out. And as my son and adopted son I am always going to know when they are lying. Our relationship will be much happier without the lies.
I am busy pouring my coffee when I notice K-T searching in his bag of chocolates. I look over and ask what he is doing? He looks at me like I have grown two heads and says having chocolate. Like hell you are having chocolate at 6:30 a.m. your mother will never allow you to come and spend the night again! (My head words not what came out of my mouth) I said no way jose. In this household we do not consume pop or chocolate prior to noon. Than I asked if M would allow him to eat chocolate at such an early hour. To which (and I will hear all of you groan) his reply was well not if she doesn’t notice. I explained that that was sneaky and we don’t do sneaky. M hide the chocolate from now on. LOL  He tried again at 9 a.m., I have to give the kid credit for being persistent.
I love these boys I do. They have had another bath with swimming trunks on. Much slipping and sliding all over the tub. I could hear it. Finally went in and told them that they needed to stop it. Someone was going to crack their head on the faucet and that would mean a day spent in the ER while they awaited stitches. And once more I was not going to spend my day doing so. Are you catching onto the theme here? I do not want to spend my time in the ER because they are not thinking.   And once more  according to the law and M I would not be allowed to just dump them and run.
We will be going for a walk at some point today. Once it warms up. At the moment it is -13 Celsius and the real feel is -22. For you Southerners that is 8.6 Fahrenheit  with a real feel of -7.6. Also the boys will be learning to wash dishes. Clean the living room. Well maybe I’ll let the living room slide because they want to build a blanket fort and that is way more cooler than cleaning it.