Settled Truth

The….. 
oh 
my fucking god…..
pain 
ripping my soul
my being
in two.
I sit
alone 
late at night
blackness
lit by blue glow
radiating from the t.v.
Anguish 
undone.
Pull me close
lungs collapse
it hurts to breath
tears steak down my cheeks
I am finally alone
finally able to
let my feelings run.
Pain
curling in on myself
memories
drowning images in alcohol
sodden
lost time
let me blackout
let me block out 
the history…..
please….. 
please…..
let me forget.
No matter….. 
how many
men
women
I take to my bed
the reminders of you
the taste
the touch
hover out of reach.
Make me feel
lost
alone
aside
undesired
I am sorry 
I became so cold.
Did I though?
Shut you out?
Always made to feel
I am the issue
everyone else
darlings of trade
watching me weep.
Wrapped in white
feather soft snow
a cloak 
hiding me 
hiding you
lost in time 
I will never find.
Climbing mountains
picking away
chisling so I can be okay
you know naught
insurmountable
these walls we build
keeping each other out
keeping all at arm’s length
easier to pretend
to ignore
the settled truth.
 
January 4/19
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Mourning

**Picture is my own taken at Matlock Beach Mantioba**
I guess that I will never learn
to not give away my heart
to keep it encased
keep it locked away
so no one can hurt me.
When tears creep down my cheeks
and kleenex litters the floor
I chastize myself
for falling once more.
I thought I learned my lesson
years and years ago
only to discover
that I have not
as I lay here curled in a ball.
I no longer have the wherewithal
to text or converse with you
you have torn my heart
stomped it beneath your shoes.
I think that going forward
I won’t allow myself to feel
instead I will watch as lovers walk
holding hands
and mourn for you.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen