Ebb & Flow of Misery

****Please note that this is a creative endeavour and in no way is indicative of how I am feeling.****

Midnight closes in
stars no longer glitter
moon hides behind itself
while I lay and tremble.
Those voices have come calling
home to roost
penetrating my defenses
wrapping their tongues around words
hissed
whispered
only I can hear.
You are worthless.
No one cares.
No one wants to know your fears.
Hush sweet child 
you are ours 
to do with as we will.
Hangman’s noose
fits around my neck
as I stand upon the precipice
tears scattered
dawn does break
sky turning a crimson pink.
Where do I turn?
To whom shall I cry out?
Will old men shout
when I fall from the sky
or turn a blind eye?
I can muster no fight
I can hear no words
other than the torment
vicious
drilling into my psyche
rending my heart.
I can take no more.
Vacant
alone
life holds no joy
only despair and pain.
Coiled in on myself
my only wish…….
to disappear.
©August 4/19
Picture via Pinterest

 

Broken Hope

***Please note this is not how I am feeling at this time.***
I am broken.
Fragile heart
listless soul
lost 
broken
destroyed.
I am broken.
Tears
crystal shatters
falling at my feet
no longer does it pain me
for there is nothing
a black void
where once there was hope.
I am broken.
Cold I have become
realizing there is no love
not a shred to be found
within this being.
I am broken.
Survivor
a past so bleak
so brutal
that I hide from it
only forward will I go.
I am broken.
Gathering
tethering
some semblance
of reality.
I am broken
but know
I should never give up hope.
February 12/19

Broken Reality

Broken
battered
left on the side of the road
left to die 
without anyone to hold.
Grim reality
scattered dreams
heroin needle
still stuck in the vein.
Star struck
beautiful girl
ventures to the land of sin 
deceived
degraded 
by the one who made her whole.
Within her soul
a blackness grew
as night after night
aspirations drowned
vile glass 
after vile glass 
men worked to take her down.
Her life 
her desires
when they touch her
vacant eyes staring 
above heaving shoulders.
Visions of escape
ideas
flew from her mind
only the call of the needle
could sate growing hunger
eating her from the inside.
Broken
battered
left to die
slowly tears gather in her eyes.
Visions of parents
a home left behind
fade to black
as the grim reaper
reaps her soul.
January 28/19

Untitled Poem #10

Time slows
stand still
watch the birds fly away.
Take moments
hesitations
turn away from this pain.
Darkly
thoughts turn
no longer wanting
needing only
to not feel like this
anymore.
Grey landscape
I plod along
head down
there is no where else to go.
Century upon century
you will find us all alike
broken
dejected
a closed off heart.
Colors are gone
aching
wrenching
tears slip and flow.
Stare at me not
look away
I would rather fade
lost in the dark
than stay here another day.
November 27/18
Picture was taken by me summer of 2017.

Plain Jane-Broken Down

***Continuation of Story poem. Previous poems are in order here:
She did it to me again.
Always
with the leaving me entrails
destruction
things I must clean up.
I am the one pummeled
cold baths
shock therapy
increased drugs
increased watching of the patient
never allowing me a chance
to unfold.
If I am locked like this
drugs
cuffs
complacent
how ever will she reappear?
Until court
when I must answer for bloodshed
for death
that I did not cause
I will be sedated.
Badass Jane
she is writhing on the leash
wanting to come out
to play
to protect
to get her revenge.
Sept. 7/18

Denial

Placid.
Stagnant.
Floating upon the scum of the pond
hair streaming
no cares
no feelings
numbness
all that I need.
With nothing
there is no pain
there is no fear
there is no acknowledging that past.
With nothing
I am blurred
I am stoned
I no longer seek to understand
who I am.
Why I am.
Broken child.
Halo bent.
Satan is waiting.
A lot of learning
yet to be done.
Yearning.
Please understand.
I hate myself.
I love myself.
I speak in tongues.
There is no real happiness
no reality
for denial is one.
Oct. 34/18
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

Dance Master

Brutally twisted
demented
dark
broken
standing upon the precipice
ready to dive
fly
soar
through the gates of hell.
No longer an innocent child
no longer able to fan the flames
I conceive
realize
see
what must be done.
Stalking through shaded halls
cat o’nine in hand
salacious smile on carmine lips
many are the games
a woman like me can devise
play
win
I am always on top.
The Devil and me
an alliance was made
he to study the blackness
the hatred
the vicious nature in my blood
and me?
I have a labratory of broken men
all who dance to my tune
with shrill screams
as I take out my pain.
Sept. 27/18