Good Bye Baby

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Screaming. In my head. My voice.
How the fuck could I have done this? I have no recollection. Suddenly people were screaming at me to stop and the baby was missing…..I only had a couple oh my god what have I done?
They are going to take her from me. I know it. I did not mean to do it. I put down the car seat put the beer on the backseat heard something turned away and……oh my god how could I have forgotten that I  had put her down on the pavement. Tears fill my eyes. How am I going to live with myself? I nearly please let it only be nearly killed my beautiful baby girl. Fuck……
They think that I don’t see I don’t hear them whispering. Cunt mother drunk drugged up forgot her baby girl was in the car seat behind her vehicle. Thank goodness the stupid bitch was so hammered she didn’t hurt the baby at all. Voices ripping into me. Eyes slashing daggers pull into myself there will never be enough rage throughout the world scourging me as I scourge myself. Rub raw bleeding wounds oh god I cannot believe that I have done this.
Don’t take her from me please. Wrists now bound. Screams baby wanting her mother I try so hard to be good but it is not easy. They all know I am going to fail they tell me so. Maybe it is better this way……
Time to say good bye. Heart breaking watch parents carry her away at least family will have her I will not be a total stranger papers in front of me signed. Lean head back tears slip slowly from lidded eyes pain so intense I feel nothing.
Late last evening the body of 29 year old Laverna Moore was found in the back of Shamrock’s Bar. Police have given a preliminary cause of death as accidental overdose. Most of our viewers will remember Laverna from last month when she nearly drove over her daughter while high……In other news……
Jan. 12/20
Picture via Pinterest

Balance the Scales

Fingers grip blanket tight
squeezing eyes shut.
Whispered prayer
never answered:
maybe tonight
the monsters won’t come
please keep me safe
someone.
Dead gaze
never a smile
how could no one notice
how could they not see
the wraith walking before them?
A child
bruised
skittish
afraid of all
falling between the cracks.
Too many fingers
too many hands
too many mouths
rape a child’s soul
battered
wanting to die
indomitable will
refusing to give up
refusing to allow suicide.
Growing
becoming a woman
tables turning
hunting those who hunted
child turned avenger
all will pay.
©Jan. 8/20
Picture via Pinterest

Good Girl

Usually a good girl
kept her mouth shut
head bent
eyes cast down
always ready to be blamed.
No one looked twice at her.
Submissive to the core.
Sold into slavery
sex trade
men
always
more and more men
telling her what to do
how to be
what role was expected from her.
Night after night
fear
pain
distress
hardening a child’s heart
until
rage
so long supressed
so long tamped down
began
to simmer
to boil
to rise.
No one foresaw
no one believed
the massive eruption
from a child so small.
With blade in hand
stealth
moving from room to room
each throat slit
a link
breaks the chain.
Finally
they were no more
she was free.
To become the monster they bred.
December 6/18
Photo by Stephany Lorena on Unsplash

Denial

Placid.
Stagnant.
Floating upon the scum of the pond
hair streaming
no cares
no feelings
numbness
all that I need.
With nothing
there is no pain
there is no fear
there is no acknowledging that past.
With nothing
I am blurred
I am stoned
I no longer seek to understand
who I am.
Why I am.
Broken child.
Halo bent.
Satan is waiting.
A lot of learning
yet to be done.
Yearning.
Please understand.
I hate myself.
I love myself.
I speak in tongues.
There is no real happiness
no reality
for denial is one.
Oct. 34/18
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

20/20

Looking back
it is easy to see
as they say
hindsight is 20/20.
I delighted in fire
flame
burning debris
still wonder
how I did not burn that place down?
Vicious words
pelting down
tearing
rending
piercing
exposed flesh.
I need time
time to adjust
to come to terms
with yet another aspect
of my past
my history.
Rage
inferior
tagged to be little
never was I important enough.
Looking back
I can finally see
veil torn from my eyes
the monster before me.
There was no love.
There was no pride in me.
I was superfluous
an afterthought
a child weaned on fear
disgrace
disregard
left to herself
her own care.
Heart torn
rent
beaten flat
left to defend
shield
armor myself
for yet another blow
another hit
another hurricane
blowing me apart.
Sept. 25/18

Boogeyman

His shadow spreads
over bitter walls
skeletal fingers
creep along
scritching
scratching
he wants to come in.
Hidden under the covers
trying to ignore the fear
counting beneath your breath
please do not let him come near.
Each footstep
each creak of the floor
an indication that he is coming closer.
Mouth working
throat closing
your scream comes out
as a whispered no.
Terror holds you tight
an embrace you cannot escape from
the door slowly opens
as you squeeze your eyes shut.
Like a child
you are convinced
that if you cannot see him
He cannot see you.
Covers slowly pulled away
a low moaning hiss
fingers pressing
nay bruising into your flesh
as you struggle to awaken
away from this horror
towards the sunrise.
August 31/18
Picture via: https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/804596289653185639/

Nonparent

You lie to me
with a straight face
not knowing that I already know
the truth has been presented
via text
bet you wish she didn’t talk to me.
I ask you
nay plead with you
to help me parent
to have my back
to help enforce bedtimes
and electronic time
only to find out
that you think I am unreasonable.
Let us call into question
the parenting style of each
and tell me true….
who is the parent?
who is the friend?
My anger is not unexpected
nor is your response
I thought you could parent
yet I find
that the will is not there.
Stuck in your head as a teenager
you cannot see the damage you have done
he will not follow your parenting style
I will see to that.
He will learn respect
he will learn responsibility
he will learn how to be an adult
with help from me.
Keep it up
I am warning you now
time will be lost
when he realizes the game you play
deciding that you are not worth the time
or energy to stay.
Disappointment oozes in his voice
his eyes shatter with tears
you really are nothing more
than a bastard……dear.
Aug. 19/18
Photo is one of my own.