Here or There

The water was warm. Too warm. Sun baked. No one knew she was out here.
 
Laying on her back. Staring up at the night sky. Rounded…..amazed always by the sphere that was Earth. Looked above. All those glowing pretty rocks. Wish here. Wish there. Wish everywhere. The Percocet she had taken mellowed her out. Deep breath in…….sigh it out…..there was no protection. Floating…..dead man’s float so ironic…..so easy to ignore the pain here. To pretend nothing was wrong.
 
Vast void. Within. It felt as though she was free falling. Tumbling over and over. Did it ever end? Screams of pain rage anguish unheard by the world. With head under water holding breath liquid silk over face panic breath gasped sit upright how does she go on?
 
Fire light on the shore. Beckoning warmth. Laughter voices of friends float out to her. Sitting letting water move her weightless body this way that way. Wood scented air memory scratching at the surface unexpected pain dive beneath the water come up deep breath dive below again. Toes barely touching pushing hair back from face she spots the shooting star. Spectacular trail of golden dust make a wish deep breath in death breath out…..
 
Phantom…..spectre…..hovering on the outskirts of life…..pain encompasses all how to trust when trust was not something afforded but torn away…..
 
Tears shed meld with water lapping around her head. She stares at the moon above. Lighting a pathway. Only she can decide…..live……or……
 
©Jan. 4 2020
Picture is my own

Not the One

Winding staircase
standing at the top
spine straight
head held high
beauty reigns.
Breath held
attention captured
a sudden silent hush.
Confidence
exuded
beauty
power
belief….
in self
in worth
in love.
I stand
all eyes upon me
ready
finally to meet
The Queen I am to be.
No longer…..
never again
will I crawl
’round the base of a throne
looking for a King
for anyone to fill the void.
I stand
secure
within the knowledge
of my desires
and what I finally can admit.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to be desired.
I deserve a great love.
I deserve to have eyes that shine for me alone
arms to stave off the nightmares
a man who will see the greatness within 
help me to achieve 
the dreams I have.
I deserve to be adored by my one and only.
Glide down the staircase
glimpse of slender leg
eyes flit here
there
scanning the crowd
searching.
Pardon…..
should you find me frosty
it only means
you are not the one.
©Dec. 7/19
Picture via Pinterest

Home

Standing upon the mountain top
the world at my feet
watching the eagles soar above
while the wind plays catch with me.
I see the past
when times were easier?
No not easier
all times are hard
but simpler.
We did not worry about ice caps melting
deforestation
legalization of hunting endangered animals
our worries were small compared to today.
It vexes me
it should vex you too
that we are killing our planet
our very lives
with poor choices
and the wants of a few
superceding those many
who make smart choices
for the care of our world.

Pain Abates

My heart breaks in two
as I say goodbye to you
when all I want is to stay.
Time has come
to be on my way
no longer waiting
for you to chose, her or I?
Moving forward
taking a chance
the chance I gave you
rebuffed
left to cry
my heart settles heavy
farewell my Prince Charm.
I wanted once more
to be held in yours arms
to feel your body’s heat.
Not meant to be
you left me
scarred
tears stinging my eyes
howling with pain
crumpled in a ball.
I rose above it.
I chose to be strong.
I will love again
as my heart is not made
to be left unheld.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 29/18
Photo by Shashank Sahay on Unsplash

Conquering Queen

Yesterday I received a text from the Ex indicating that his S.O. (significant other) was not working and that T could stay the night there. At first I was annoyed. I think I erased my text two before coming up with ‘Whatever T would like is fine with me.’ The reason that I put the choice in T’s hands is that this is his dad’s week with him. So he would see him before work last night and before school this morning. The first time in a long time. And I already knew what the answer would be. I did not hear back so text the Ex after awhile to check on T’s response.  And he said yes, he wanted to stay at his dad’s.
When I saw that single word response to my text my heart ached and I stifled a sob.
Even though the Ex and me share custody of T I have become use to having him here every night. We have a routine. And I get to see him every single day. So not seeing him last night was a kick in the pants. I had planned to see him. I was waiting to hear about his day. Now I had to reorganize my thoughts. Tears welled in my eyes, and there was pain. I decided that I would do the dishes thinking that if I had something to concentrate on it would not pain me so much.
As I stood at the sink, tears overcame me. My eyesight blurred and I gave into the sadness for a minute. And than I did what I do best now I talked to myself.
‘Jay you can feel sad but you need to get use to this. You need to get use to having one week where you are not going to have T. You won’t see him. This is normal. You have become greedy given that you are seeing him every day. Obviously he is going to want to stay at his dad’s, after all it is his week with him.’
I am not saying that I was feeling 100% better but I calmed down. And by the time that I was done the dishes and back on the couch, I had settled. I had come to peace with myself. Or so I thought.
Today as I am exercising I am looking at myself and critically. I am not liking what I see. There are small tweaks here and there that I could make. Where I was a year ago to where I am today is a huge difference. I am not drinking. I am not taking pills. I am working out. I am writing. But today I was not being nice to myself. I looked the wrong way at myself and decided that that was it, no more pizza. No more sweets. I text a friend and said over and over that I knew my thoughts were insane.
And as we text I realize I was being hypercritical of myself. Subconsciously something was at work and I think that I have figured it out.
I was sad yesterday and even though I did not consciously think it, I wondered what I had done wrong. Why did T not want to come spend the night here? Where had I failed that he would stay at his dad’s even when his dad is not home?  I had no control in that situation at all because I had given it all over to T and his decsion.
And my feelings were hurt. I really had thought that T was going to want to come and spend the night here with me. And because I could not admit that to myself the highly critical freak me rose to the occassion. I pushed down what I was feeling. I had cried but I did not say outloud  that I was hurt. Because that was wrong. I should not feel that way.
I am allowed to have feelings. In acknowledging this the critic in me, who was trying to skew my thinking and pull me back into an obsession with my body image, has been kicked to the curb.
This is a huge step for me. Admitting I am allowed to have feelings. Admitting that yes, I was hurt that T chose to stay at his dad’s last night but I understand why he made that choice. T is going to hurt me over and over again. That is what children do. The broader world at large does not exist for them. They are the center of their world and the immediate family is in their orbit. I will never tell T about how much it hurt. I did feel like he was picking his dad over me.
And he was because it is his dad’s week with him.  Just like he would chose to come home to me if this was my week.
Once more T has taught me a lesson. And in doing so he has helped me. I have a body image problem that I am acknowledging for the first time ever. I realized this because I stuffed the emotions down and than looked at myself for little things that I could criticize and than concentrate on fixing. That I could control. Perfect. Nothing is perfect, least of all me. And slowly but surely, all those parts of me, the ones that are not healthy, are becoming absorbed within me.
I saw very quickly what I was doing. This did not take me a week to figure out, a month, hell it did not even take me 24 hours to realize what I was doing and put an end to it. Each time I catch myself exhibiting behaviour that can trip me up I conquer it. That is not to say that it will not appear elsewhere but it is the catching it that is important here. Once caught I can change the way that I think and slowly but surely eliminate the behaviours that can harm me.