Day 92 of Sobriety

It has been a weird strange week.
 
I was off. 
Felt sad.
Wept.
Felt better.
Angry.
Done with customers.
Thursday……..Please see I’m a Little Radio.
Friday…..I watched the clock.
 
I am not a clock watcher. 
I may take a glance now or then but a watcher no.
And to make matters worse it was a slow day at work. 
Would have gone home but I am taking a week off at beginning of January so was not willing to give up 3 hours.
I smiled.
I joked with my customers.
I had two ladies come through my till and we were laughing and joking.
 
C 1: I’m sorry today is my first day out.
M: Oh day pass?
C 1: How did you know?
M (leaning against till as though voicing a conspiracy) Don’t tell anyone but every once in awhile they let me out to come to work.
C 2: Do you two know each other? (Laughing as obviously not they are friends)
C 1: You just made our day. Thank you so much.
They walked away chortling.
 
I was thrilled at 3:30 to dash out the door. 
All the way home I hemmed and hawed about walking to meet Tember. 
Got home.
Put a hoodie on over my work shirt and sweater.
Put on fuzzy knee hi socks.
Jacket.
Gloves.
Walking to meet him was chilly.
Walking back colder.
NW wind.
We had fun though.
Talking.
My mood lifted.
 
Yesterday I waffled between laziness and should do something.
I always do something.
I always clean.
I did not make the bed.
I did not do the laundry.
I did make beef stew.
I did not write.
No inspiration.
I felt a loggerhead.
There is an itch for change.
But what???????
 
The other day I craved a drink.
I did not have one but I craved one.
And then I did not.
My tracker informed me this morning that I am 92 days sober.
And it seems that this may have something to do with the feelings that I am experiencing.
I have not missed drinking at all.
I have not missed feeling like shit for three to four days after drinking.
I have missed nothing at all about drinking.
 
I have gained energy.
I have adulted.
I am making things my own.
I am embracing the dark ladies that bubble up poking and prodding at me.
 
Psssst Jay…….I have another one. He really deserves to die. Please. Let me out.
Or
Jay……Get him. Her. They did it. Let me at them! Liars. 
or
Jaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..Don’t open your eyes.
 
I could go on and on but that is enough to freak anyone out so I will stop with the ladies in the head.
I took my blood pressure yesterday as I felt that it was thumping.
123/73
Resting heart rate of 71.
I am back to normal.
Ha ha in the blood pressure range anyhow.
 
Speaking of scary freak out material:
 
Last night as I lay in bed I was goofing around in Messenger sending pics to a friend.
They have filters and I got a little wonky. 
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I was having fun until I got to the last one.
This one here.
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I was laying in the dark so when it asked to find a face a pulled it in really close and slowly backed out again.
Trying to get the right color so the horns would show.
Well……
And there was no way for me to capture this…..
As I pulled the phone back and the red lighting flared my image has its mouth open.
I do not.
On my face face.
Thought it was a glitch.
Until it happened three more times.
No more pictures for me lol.
 
I woke up at 6 this morning and stretched.
Feeling something has shifted.
Not entirely sure what it is but it has.
And then the notification.
Things began to make sense.
 
Three months is big for me.
Three months is always the bar.
If I can get to the three months mark I can do anything.
Taught myself to make my bed every morning in 90 days.
Quit smoking the 700th time in three months after that no patches needed.
Pills. 
I counted down a year for those.
And this year it is 3 years free.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I am proud of myself for accomplishing this.
 
Autumn is here with colder weather and once more I already have my heat on.
That plays havoc with my moods as well.
Have begun to include a Vitamin D to my daily vitamin regime.
Using my blue light in the morning before work.
I know what to expect come winter.
I know my moods are bleaker.
Sadder.
But I know this.
And knowing means I can plan and put into place safeguards so that I am not wallowing.
I don’t wallow really.
Not any more.
 
The anger I was feeling last week seems to have abated. 
My feelings of needing change. 
Still there.
That is something I need to work through.
Usually when this feeling occurs something big happens.
 
First time: got pregnant with Tember.
Second time: left the ex.
Third time: Ka-boom! 
Fourth time: pending.
 
To begin your week with a chuckle:
 
My adopted little sis ‘Queen-in-Training’ (I am Queen) and I were talking about men/relationships:
 
Me: IDK I don’t want to have like a full on relationship. Pretty easy really. Message me daily. Maybe dinner and evening during week and one evening on weekend to spend night. The rest of the time leave me alone. 
QIT: So basically you are a cat.
Me: Huh I guess I am. 😹😹😹😻😻😻
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Have a fabulous Sunday loves. 
 
©Oct. 18/20
Pictures obviously are my own (🎃🎃😝😝)

I’m a Little Radio

Yesterday I was talking to my supervisor at work with regards to the fact that I am always picking up little bits and pieces of info.
And then when I am talking with someone suddenly everything will fall into place and make sense with regards to what I heard.
I.E. Overheard manager speaking to department head about upcoming Saturday.
M: Who is she working with?
DH: David and Grinch (made up names)
M: Oh she will be fine. She can handle anything.
V: I am working this Saturday. With only David and Grinch. (grimace)
Me: Oh that makes sense now.
Our Manager believes she can handle and cope with anything that is thrown at her and he is not wrong.
Unless you are a douche noodle and act a dick.
Then she may or may not be imagining your head dropping into a bucket at the right end of a guillotine.
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I digress though.
It is the imagery more that I came up with for myself:
I am like a little radio zooming in and catching only part of the signal.
I thought she was going to pee her pants she laughed so hard at me.
Also discovered a new mantra:
Jay does not look good in a full on orange bodysuit behind bars.
Jay does not look good in a full on orange bodysuit behind bars.
Jay does not look good in a full on orange bodysuit behind bars.

radio 4

Y’all know I have worked really hard to not allow people or things to get under my skin.
Make my blood boil.
But there is one co-worker and it is because of him that I had to chant the above mantra
over and over during my 8 hour shift yesterday.
I walked away from him so many times yesterday for four reasons:
  1. I had to choke down my ‘go fuck yourself’ more than once.
  2. I had to remind myself over and over that Manager and Supervisor most definitely frown upon the use of pens and eyeballs meeting.
  3. I had to clench my fists so as to not flip him the bird while walking away imaging myself stabbing him in the eye.

radio 5

He makes my blood boil.
And yes I know I am giving him power.
He is an ignorant asshole who acts like a three year old.
I have though discovered something that annoys him.
I do my job talking to my customers about the sanitized carts and hand sanitizer.
He kept telling me everyone knows.
Well no they don’t dickhead because more than one customer asked me where the clean carts are.
Three times he snarled at me about it.
Guess who is gonna act a total five year old brat now with this knowledge.
Yep that is right…..
ME!
To end yesterday on a high note much like it started:
Tember and I are laying on my bed talking.
Everything and anything.
He talks mostly.
Telling me about different parts of his day.
A very interesting conversation about the word ‘like’ and how everyone at his school uses it way too much.
*Mom pointed out to me a few years ago that I was using ‘like’ a lot. 
 Like a lot like.
 To count every time I used it.
 Stopped using it pretty fast.
 Realized Tember was doing same thing and used same trick with him.
 Which now makes him more susceptible to hearing its multiple use.
 And drive him crazy.
 My work there is done. 
I was petting Lucky when I pulled her ears back and she looked like an angry wet cat.
I laughed about how evil she looked and Tember had to see.
Which suddenly segued into him hanging over me…..
I am going to set this scene for you:
I did not have my glasses on which distorts everything.
Meaning you have to get right close for me to be able to see your facial expression.
Tember suddenly cocks his head to the side as though his neck has become disjointed and in this totally creepy voice:
‘Mommy I love you.’
I was laughing and scared at the same time.
Eventually I had to beg him to stop I was crying from laughing and I actually was now afraid I was going to have nightmares.
Warned him that I might wake him screaming in fear.
He goes to his room and I am about to drift off when I hear:
‘Mommy…..’
I look over and there he is in the doorway…..
radio 2
Head cocked arms out like everything is disjointed and he has that grin stretched upon his lips and he says:
‘Mommy I love you. What is wrong Mommy? I am not going to hurt you Mommy.’
He was using this creepy sing song voice and I mean creepy.
If I could figure out how to tape it and play for you nightmares would be occurring.
I did warn him though that he might want to remember payback is a bitch.
T: What can you do?
M: You might wake up with me standing over you. Staring at you.
T: How am I going to wake up.
M: From the force of my stare.
T: I don’t think so.
M: Fine I will blow fetid morning breath on your face while standing over you. Staring unblinkingly at you.
radio 6
T: Mom why would you even do that?
M: Because it would be funny.
T: After I stopped screaming.
M: But then you will laugh.
T: Oh yeah I will most definitely be laughing.
I cannot believe how much alike me he is in this regard.
Time for the pranks to begin.
I have so many.
He he he he he he.
Which leads me to a prank that I want so badly to play.
Not on Tember but my co-workers.
However I have been told more than once that I am not allowed to.
Let me set another scene:
Early morning.
Few employees in.
Someone goes to baler:
radio 3
(we put all our cardboard boxes and crush them. Make a bale and send off for recycling) and realizes that the stop button has been pushed so they resume start function.
As the baler comes back up an arm would flop up against gate.
I would be in the corner watching this.
Laughing my ass off as they screamed.😂😂😂😂
I would be fired.
But damn the fun that could be had prior to that…..
Tis the season folks.
Have a fantastic Weekend darlinks!
©Oct. 16/20
Pictures via Pinterest

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