Day 28 & 29 or Me & Me Alone

I will say that this passed weekend has been the most difficult since I quit drinking.
 
Saturday I was up early despite not working until 9. I had coffee and relaxed. Wrote a little. All was going along tickety boo when Loki decided that today was the day to jump into the window box and pull it over. Dumping wet soil all over the back of the couch. I may have arg’ed loudly. Cleaned it all up. Took the window box with the roses resettled and put outside for the day. Moved the couch to vacuum. Decided that when I came home from work I would be moving the living room around again. So Loki and the others would not be able to get up into the window knocking over my plants.
 
Work was work. My supervisor had a family emergency and had to leave. I supervised for the morning and cashed from 2-4:4. Was suppose to be at work until 5:30 but was feeling tired…..lethargic…..not my usual self. There was a fraught moment or two. Argued with myself but prevailed. Wine is still alcohol. Once I am passed the LC I am fine it is that possibility of turning in that rages in the back of my mind. That one little push from the voice and I fall over the edge. I did not. I came home changed and began to clean and move the living room around. Took me about two hours but I did it and am happy with the way that it looks. Need to figure out lighting situation behind me as the light reflects in the t.v. which is annoying. Whether a new shade or taller lamp has not been determined yet. For those who care to know once I decide I will let you know.
 
Made myself coffee as well. I swear that my coffee intake is way way up since I quit drinking. And while I previously joked that it was to replace the sugar I was craving from no longer drinking I wonder. The inability to fall asleep at night has been driving me nuts the last few days. Until I realized that drinking Monster Energy Drinks with 180 mg of Caffeine on top of the coffee I am drinking might have something to do with it. Maybe?
 
Slept in Sunday until 7:20. That for me is late. Enjoyed myself a lazy morning of coffee and reading emails. Taking some pictures of Loki. Deciding that I wanted to start taking more pictures of the things that catch my attention. Messaged with friends. A free day as I did my cleaning the evening before. By 11:45 I was outside sitting in the sun.Kindle in hand. Sat outside for two hours reading and enjoying the heat. All in all it was a wonderful morning. A nap in the afternoon after onion rings. I was going to go back out but the nap took a little longer than I was expecting. Had the groggy feeling but made some coffee and was feeling a little more in tune with reality.
 
I have been open that my addiction to pills in the past were a coping mechanism. Abused as a child I was running so hard and for so long that inevitably I was going to crash and either die or burn. I burned in a conflagration so hot and fast burning through myself and coming out stronger and better…..more accepting of self and mistakes. Growing ever onward. Work in progress forever more.
 
I have had many a conversation about the abuse I faced. Not detailing it as my brain is still in protective mode. Which again I am totally fine with. I don’t want nor need to know the extent. The damage done was horrific enough I do not need to tramp down that pathway. I have made strides in my life. In happiness. In not forgetting the past but in handling it and moving on.
 
My addiction to alcohol to pills has always been to deal with the pain. To blur the edges so to speak. Yesterday offered me a glimpse of what else the use of alcohol has been doing for me? Not sure if that is how to look at it but it is what I am doing.
 
I was speaking with a friend about sexual abuse. I am not going to give details. All I am going to say is that I discovered that I had the kids mixed up in my head. Age wise.
 
It triggered me. Nothing that lasted long. A brief flash. Enough though to cause me to gasp and tear up. Fear lanced me and for a moment I could not breath. I had to take a moment from our conversation. And I told her why. Just that I needed a minute to regroup.
 
I am tired of running away. Tired of being scared of what is in this thick noggin of mine. Alcohol makes me forget. And when I am alone with too much time on my hands to think I suppose subconsciously I was still blurring the edges.
 
I am scared. I am not going to lie. There are a lot of things in this head of mine that I have been carting around for years. Eons some of it feels like.
 
But this is a journey…..
 
My journey in a life that is tailor made for me and me alone.
 
©August 17/20
Picture is my own

Saturday January 26/19

T and me are hanging out. On a Saturday night. Okay late afternoon but whatever.
I have been watching (okay binging on) Wentworth. Precursor to Orange is the New Black. That one is next on my watch list. T is extremely interested in the show and well considering all the shit that one can find on Youtube I am not about to block him from watching. And he is watching with me. Sitting on the couch next to me. He has his blanket and favorite pillow. He has settled in for the duration. There are 6 seasons. He is in the living room with me. His Xbox is turned off and shut down. He is sitting here asking me questions.
Last night the Ex and me were texting. It has been decided that the Xbox is no longer going to be welcome at the Ex’s. He liked having T hang out with him and do other things than gaming. I get that. I still have not given him permission to play with his friends and he has not. There is no sneaking. He plays Farming Simulator 2019 and watches Youtube. He plays with his lego. He wants to hang out with me. He wants to hang out with his dad.Thinking that we might have stumbled onto something here.
I am a little afraid though. T is not acting like surly boy. He is being my sweet child. Hanging out with me. Playing with his cars and lego. He put the dishes away while I was washing the others. He is talking to me. Non-stop which I cannot complain about. A) I am a chatterbox and he takes after me. B) He is in the living room hanging out with me.
However as much as he is like me there are aspects of his father coming through. I watched season one by myself. T is coming in on season two. And the questions he is asking. Nonstop. Now we are watching the same episodes together. Therefore I know as much as he does. ‘Mom why is she bleeding?’ ‘Mom what happened to the girl with the foaming mouth?’ ‘Mom……mom……..mom…….’ When the Ex and me were together Sunday was recoup and movie day. Chicken day if we had extra money. We would be watching a movie and he would be asking me questions about what was going on. Seriously? I have watched what you have watched how can I know what is going on? I am not able to foresee what is coming.
T believes he is a comedian. He also thinks that I am funny. Was giving him the mom glare (not really) and he was giggling away. So I did it again. Was told to stop so Lucky would not get off his lap. Lucky has been driving me insane. Always on top of me. I bribed him not to move with getting him a drink of Pepsi. However I decided to do dishes so he had to get up and put away the other dishes. Lucky was not impressed at all with either of us.
T stood at the kitchen sink putting away clean ones as I am washing others. We talked. A lot.
He is not impressed with my reason for liking Canada. I asked him why? I mean I was born here pretty sure I like my country. Maybe not wanting to live in the coldest province in all of Canada but it is my country. He informs me that liking Canada because marijuanna has been legalized is not a reason to like it. Oh boy. Now I am in for it.
We had a discussion about marijuanna. We had a discussion about the fact he is telling his father things about me. He tells me dad does not care. I told him once more that like Vegas…..what happens in my home stays in my home…..what happens in his father’s home stays in his father’s home. He never tells me anything. What am I doing that makes me so interesting to T that he needs to tell his dad?????? Oh and I discovered that he is talking to his friends about us. LOL I mean to be expected right? Getting older and needs people to confide in who are not related to him.
It is funny how many unlearned traits T has. An unlearned trait is something that  is prevelant in your family but you never know how you began to do it. Mine was I use to punch the Ex in the arm when I was proven right/said something funny. He told me not to. Asked me not to. I had no idea where I got this weird thing I did. Until I stayed with mom and grandma when T was premature. Mom had come down asking if grandma had seen her black sheet. She could not find anywhere. Grandma starts to chortle. Says to mom ‘you mean the one you have hanging up to blackout light?’ and than she punched me. In the arm.
Now for T. We are sitting here chatting away when a car pulls up. Our parking spot is 2nd last and visitor parking comes next. We hear the tires crunching over the snow. He is off the couch in a flash and peeking out the blinds. I laughed so hard. Sent mom a message telling her about it. Asked who it reminded her of. First answer was Mrs. Kravitz from Bewitched. (Had to explain that to T) Her second response? Is it someone famous? Me staring incredulously at my phone wtf? Really????? I message back um no you and grandma. Mom came back with: ‘I know that! Uncle and Aunt do too!’ If you knew it why did you not say?????
I realize I have been all over the place here with T’s actions and comments. But truth be told were you sitting next to me on the couch or talking to me on the phone….this would be our conversation. One thing leads to another and while they all make sense in my mind maybe not yours.
Today has been a good day. T has hung with me. T has hung out with me. Really that is all that matters.
Addendum: I allowed T to game 1 hour with his friend tonight. 1 hour. At 3 minutes to the hour I reminded him. Bedroom door slammed shut. Replying to message realize it is 9:19 so I go to tell him to get off. I opened the door and said to him ‘T…..’ realized he was already watching Youtube. Told him I was proud of him for listening to me. He asked me to leave his room. I did after again telling him how proud of him I was. 🙂