Reality

These emotions
the ones that you see me feel?
Emotions that have wrapped me
(pain)
kept me in chains
I will break free.
No longer bound
the links that have held
weaken
the more I pull
the more I can feel.
(hope)
My past is not my definition.
My future remains unwritten.
I have my today.
How I act
how I react
how I feel about situations
that is what will define me.
I can disagree.
I can fume.
I can rage.
Or 
I can let it pass
let it go
be me.
I will no longer bow.
I will no longer fear.
(Memories are only that
memories)
Not my truth.
Not my reality.
 
©July 7/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Nevermore

Feet blistered
bleeding
pushing forward
to where…..
for what…..
I do not know.
Embracing the pain
relishing
rending
emotions
I want them not
I want nothing more
than to come to an end.
Not in death
not in suicide
memories
tainted with your touch
damage you have done
I want to rake your eyes
tear out your heart
your lying tongue.
Imprinted
a duckling on its parent
you
me
snarls fill the air.
I will not let you return from the dead.
I will not let you tear from me
hard won peace
acceptance 
self-love.
Vicious volley
words on the tongue
tear like bullets
through malignant shade
shredding spirit.
Tears
heavy
voices screaming in my head.
Allow me to reiterate
in case your specter cannot understand
You will not win…..
I am stronger.
I am braver.
I am no longer a child.
Blade driven
skewered black heart
your death
glee in myself
my strength
haunt me nevermore.
©July 3/19
Picture via Pinterest

Math & T.V.

Last night T and me are working on his dreaded math extra work. But it is not so dreaded when it gets down to it. All they have to do is write out the steps to show how they arrive at answer. Same way I learned just longer and time wasting but who am I to argue with the great minds who came up with this ‘new’ math.
However not what this is about.
T did the 2nd question himself and he came slow close. It is when he transfers # over that he is losing something. The pencil he is using has thick lead maybe a finer clicker pencil will help. He did awesome job and even though we forgot some places he felt more confident. He even said ‘mom after this I will bring home more to work on.’ ‘Math?’ ‘Yes math. Hey mom can you teach me to type like you type? I mean I know how to type but it is hard on laptop.’ 
This here is the following reenactment of actual events. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent. No one was harmed in the making of this event. 
I looked over at him a little musically. 
‘Sure. But The keyboard layout is the same as the typewriter I used to teach myself on?’
‘A typewriter?’ T states at me like I have grown two more heads.
‘Um yes a typewriter. I took typing class because it was an easy A elective and as I wanted to be a writer I could not be typing two fingered. So I sat with my book and over the weekend taught myself to type. After that it was fine tuning finger placement.’
I showed him where my fingers were placed. Was told I did not know my finger names. Turns out Pointer Finger is a technical term. Who knew?
‘So mom if you didn’t have computers how did you watch t.v.?’
Well how the hell do I know? I told him there were big round things that bounced signals around.I have no idea what I am talking about so I am making large arm movements to distract him from the jibberish falling from my lips. 
‘And mom if there were no computers how did they make t.v. shows?’
‘They filmed them with a camera. Like today.’
‘But how did it get into your t.v.?’
I could only look at him. I have no idea what to say to him. He hugs me and takes off into his room while I sat there. Bemused and chuckling I am in for the adventure of a lifetime and we are just getting started.
March 7/19

Freedom

The path intertwines
in on itself
around the lake
through the mountains
under the sea
I follow
unsure where I am going
what I will find
only knowing that this path is mine.
I have opened my eyes
opened my heart
released my pain and fear
giving unto me
the freedom to be myself.
This route that I have taken
long and circuitous
filled with brambles
with thorns
flowers and hope
have made me so much stronger
so much better
so much more who I want to be.
September 4/18
Photo by Karsten Koehn on Unsplash

Plastic Girl

Pious in nature
glaring down
eyes piercing
mouth downward turning
you stare at me
making me feel
making me tremble
with your disgust.
I want to be me
you want me to be right
to be good
to be what you want me to be.
Never once did you look to see
never once did you llisten
never once did you heed my words
instead
turning me into a plastic doll
one who could be posed
ordered
taught to be like you.
espousing all that is good
you crushed me beneath your heel.
I finally decided
enough is enough
I can no longer be
this doll of yours
I need to be me.
Aug. 27/18
Photo by Esteban Lopez on Unsplash

I am a Queen

Trying out this new thing;
Called Adulting.
I seem to have grown once more
without even realizing it.
No longer do I feel worthless
no longer do I feel alone
no longer do I speak to myself
degrading
causing panic dear.
Oh yes
the blackest voice is there
whispering
hissing
making me doubt….
myself….
my abilities….
me.
Countered with
a litney of good:
Funny
Smart
Beautiful
Independent
words to some
lifelines
to keep me sane.
I stand
the pier soaked beneath my feet
deep cleansing
breath in breath out….
Golden Girl.
Golden Queen.
Golden Princess
no more.
Queen of my life
Queen of my destiny
Queen of my confidence.
Queen of my Soul.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 2/18
Photo by Matthew Brodeur on Unsplash

Fall In….Fall Out…

Falling in love
it takes a time or two
before you see the benefits
before you see the truth.
Falling out of love
can be done gradually
taken over time
or it can end just like that.
It took a lot of bravery
to tell the one I loved
that indeed I did love him.
It took a lot of courage
to reach out and say
I would regret it if I didn’t.
Now though
the pain diminishes
each time the messaage is not yours.
The hurt
the expectations
that feeling in the pit of my stomach
all disappeared.
No longer do I feel sorry for myself
but I sure do feel sorry for you
’cause honey I am the bomb
and I could have blown up your world.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 6/18

 

Photo by Dani Vivanco on Unsplash