Mr. I Wanna vs. Ms. Uncertainty

***Before I begin I want to give credit to raynotbradbury with regards to how I have named my characters. She writes amazing stories and uses a descriptor for the character as opposed to a name. That is what I have done here.***

I would like to tell you a story. A story of a man and a woman. The man, shall we call him Mr. I wanna Be in Charge and Go Fuck Yourself if You Don’t Like It was an insolent bastard. The woman, we will call her Ms. Uncertainty is the Name of the Game and With Acceptance of that I find Peace had fought long and hard to get where she was.

Mr. I Wanna (for short) believed that by dictating to all and everyone that his wishes nay his demands would be followed, thought that he was able to control. Control family, control desires, control aspects of life that were not his to control. Like a spindly spider in the middle of a web he reached out and touched lives that were not his to touch. He thought that with loud words and speaking over others he would get his way.

Now Ms Uncertainty she use to be like Mr. I Wanna until she fell from grace. She gathered in so many reins, had so many horses galloping in front of her wagon, that eventually they all tangled. When they did she flew overhead, landing on her back feeling it breaking. Now Ms. Uncertainty, knew that this was her last chance, she had to become clean so as not to lose her path.

Mr. I wanna was content to let Ms. Uncertainty run her own game, so long as it did not cross his wishes. For when it did, he shut her down, telling her that if she did not comply he would make her disintegrate.

Ms. Uncertainty sat back, and took a deep breath ready to do battle. But first she thought, she would allow Mr. I Wanna his moment in the spotlight before she blackened the scene. And blacken the scene she would. For you see, Mr. I Wanna forgot that when Ms. Uncertainty was crossed that a warrior surged to the forefront, ready to do battle, to cut whomever off at the knees.

Mr. I Wanna sat on his throne, gloating, assured that he had won. He surveyed his domain with a smirk of denial because he knew nothing could tear it down. Of course nothing could, but someone would. She came in silence, shrouded in a cloak of humility and anger, the dagger she carried the words that sprang from her tongue.

Ms. Uncertainty stood before the throne, threw back her hood and glared at Mr. I Wanna. He chortled sure that he had her in his grip while she cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips. She drew herself up to her tiny little height, while he stood so he could loom. Ms. Uncertainty handed him a paper while she grinned.

Mr. I Wanna read the words, and read them again and again. His cockiness withered, his height was diminished and Ms. Uncertainty grew instead. With hands on her hips and derision on her lips, she stared at the man who now lay at her feet. Shaking her head, she turned to walk away knowing that there was no grace in continuing the beating.

‘Wait,’ sobbed Mr. I Wanna,’I’m sorry I played at a game I could never win. Please, please forgive me, allow me a place in your kingdom.’

‘I have no kingdom, I rule no one, for that is not my way,’ Ms. Uncertainty sneered at him, ‘I let all go they wish. There is no control, no ability to contain situations that are not yours to begin with.’

Ms. Uncertianty walked through the crowds, head held high. She knew without fail that Mr. I Wanna would try to usurp but she did not care.

“When you accept that the future is uncertain, that you cannot dictate nor control, you will find peace and walk in the light.”

With golden sun before her and the blackness of control behind her, Ms. Uncertainty walked forward, never looking back.

I did it!

Yesterday was a huge success day for me.  I can acknowledge how far I have come now. And it is huge. I am doing the happy dance while sitting on the couch as I type this I am so excited.

I am a planner. Time and structure has a lot to do with it because I can than make sure that I am in control. Nothing can blindside me. T is much like me in this regard as was evidenced when he got mad at me because, wait for it, I did not wake him up at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning. Much pouting and anger were shown. Refusal to shower because he had to shower at 6. Within about 15 minutes, I was pretty tired of the #6 and a.m. Finally I looked at him and said: T, I understand that you are angry with me because I did not wake you up at 6. You are disappointed in me. I accept that but nothing is going to change the fact that I did not wake you up so please let us just move on from this.’

He was not happy with me at all. Whether he thought that if I fought with him I would yell and he could feel justified in his anger, or I really don’t know, but he glared at me his mouth pursed. I finally heard from M that they were up and told T that he needed to get ready. This was his sleepover day with his bff K. I think both boys live for these saturdays more than anything else. He stomped around here and snapped that he had no pants to put on. No socks. I went to the laundry basket and in seconds found what he was looking for. Than he tried to tell me that the socks I had brought him were mine.

I went out to the car and started it. I had not used it since Friday morning and it was -15 with a real feel of -26. Celsius. Came back into the house as T came out of the bathroom. A transformation had been performed. His hair was brushed. His teeth were brushed. He looked neat and tidy. He smelled good without it being overbearing. (He is 9 with an obsession for Axe) He looked at me and smiled sweetly. I awaited the angry boy to return but within seconds it was apparent that he had switched into sweet cherub mode.

We left the house at 9:26. Went to Mcdonald’s where T commented on the service. He is very bothered by what he views as a lack of service at the one Mcdonald’s we have in a city of over 15,000. I realized that the Hold button was flashing on the panel. This was not good. I told T that it was on and that we might have to make alternate arrangements. We were chatting away and I was okay when doing up to 80km/hour when I realized that the car was not shifting. We made it to Mitchell and pulled into the gas station parking lot.

I shot a text off to the Ex and than got out of the car to check fluids. I figured that I should make sure that the oil and transmission fluid were both alright and they were. I called M in a slight panic and told her what was going on. Wondered if she could come and pick T up and than I would drive out Sunday a.m. to pick him up. Except that the Ex had text back. He was up. And we could take the car to his place and he would scan it for me. I sent a quick text off to M saying to hold off I might still be able to drive T out.

Off we went to the Ex’s. T and me talking and listening as the engine is reving at 4000 rpm’s and I am cringing. I dropped back down to 80 in a 100 zone and tootled along. Got to the Ex’s and waited while he scanned the car. And it wasn’t working. I got into the backseat and text M to give her and update. T told Ex that he had not been to school all week. That he had been sick. And I projected my fear that the Ex was going to call my mothering skills into account, that I immediately listed off all of T’s symptoms. The Ex didn’t even say a word, and I realized it was me. I am T’s mother and I would know if he was scamming me. I can make these decisions without having to feel that it is wrong.

The Ex finally realized that he had the wrong ‘key’ for the scanner and retrieved the right one. Up came the code for Coolant Temperature Sensor. And when he cleared the code, the car shifted down and it was hoped that I could now drive without concern. I do need to call around and find the sensor and pricing but we were good to go. By now it is 10:30, the time that I had hoped that I was going to be dropping T off. Shot M a text and said we were off. And we were and the car shifted into overdrive. Wohoo, I told T (I Had already profusely thanked the Ex) to send his dad a text and tell him that he is the most awesome and again thank you. T says I already did before we left mom.

I was a little nervous at first but as the car continued to behave, I became a more and more confident. We were cruising along. I made the cloverleaf onto the perimeter coolly and calmly. Taking the cloverleaf off onto the #1 to head into M’s, it suddenly dawned on me. I had done it. Today I had been thrown a loop and I came through it without breaking down. I did it.

First my time line had been thrown off. I had it in my head that we would leave at 9:30, there by 10:30 back by 11:30. Finish cleaning the apartment by 12:30 and rest of time was my own to do what I wanted. Now I was an hour behind. I had gotten a little snappy when I again projected that T was going to blame me for the car failure. So I apologized to him. T looked at me incredulously and said mom you did not do this.’

Than I had called M to ask her come and get T rather than texting and fretting waiting for her to get back to me. Texting the Ex I had not expected that he would get back to me until later in the day. That he did and was willing to scan the car for me was an added bonus. The car acting up in the first place. Reading that one should not be shifting gears as it could damage the engine and hoping that mine was not about to blow up. That it is something easy to fix.

Before I would have been in a tailspin. My entire day would have been skewed because of all these things. Yesterday though, yes, there was a brief moment of accelerated heart rate, I was a little sweaty. I did not cry. I did not rage. I did not blame things on the unseen or think that the world was out to get me. I handled it. I had a plan and I followed through. And I cheered for myself.

I told T as we sat at the light and he said you know what mom, you are right. You did a great job.

And there we have it.

I did a great job. I took a huge step. I can see a difference and I am loving it.