Power Returned

***Picture is my own***

Well now this is a bit of a longer whisp of thought but only that I need to write the set up.

Tember was at his dad’s for Monday night and would be dropped off at home Tuesday afternoon for Christmas Eve. Which meant I could lounge around as my shift did not start until 10 a.m. on the 24th. It was not too cold so I did not need to go out early to start the car.

9:35 a.m. I got bundled up headed out the door and pull the car key from my pocket. Only to realize that it is shorter. Significantly shorter. I stared at it stupidly for a moment as I tried to figure out if it was always this short and I was a moron or had it broken.

Tried it on the car door. Nope not working. Called the ex’s home phone. No answer. Called the ex’s cell. No answer. Call work. Panicked. Nearly in tears. OMG I am going to be late for work. Called my boss hoping to catch her so she could pick me up. The one time she forgets her phone at home. Called P one of my besties and fearing I had woke her up hesitantly asked if she could come and give me a ride to work. She could.

I came back in the apartment. Called work. I am trying to figure out how to get home after work. How do I get to work on the 26th? I am on holidays next week so could deal with it then. I text the ex and let him know what had happened. I was at a loss.

As I climbed the stairs to wait for P tears in my eyes I stopped suddenly. What the hell?

‘Jay,’ I said to myself a little sternly, ‘this is something that is completely out of your control. You did not make the key snap. You did not do any of this. So why are you getting so worked up? There is nothing you can do right now so calm down.’

And like that I did. My heart settled and I no longer felt as though on the verge of a panic attack. I felt so powerful taking back my ability to control myself and my emotions. I did not lose it as I would have before. Cursing and angry. I realized that I was not going to allow this small thing to derail my day.

Off I went to work and used the story as a part of my day. Got the name of a locksmith. Ex came and got my keys. He was going to see what he could do for me. Had a great day at work. And it became even better when ex messaged to say that keys were cut and he would leave them with Tember when he dropped him off. I was ecstatic. And to top it off the ex wished me a Merry Christmas. The keys were my gift.

Two years ago…….a year ago……six months ago……I would have let the whole key situation bother me. I would have been down all day. How could this happen? And at Christmas? Not this time. This time I chose to not allow it to dictate my day.

There is a power in this. I have had another step forward in my personal growth. This is not to say that I am never going to get upset again…..and lose my temper over something so trivial……however if I continue to catch these small things and correct them…..learn from them…..I evolve more and more into the glorious woman I be.

Dec. 26/19

P.S. To top it off I went to lock the apartment door only to have my door key nearly snap off. Thank goodness I can use Tember’s. Never rains but pours……And I am still smiling. 🙂

Emotional Abuse

I wonder
do you feel regret?
You tore away
eroded
destroyed
my self-esteem
my self-worth
made me feel so less
that I could not see the truth.
I say I am sorry
all the time
preventative measures
for when I do wrong.
Unconditional love
does it really exist?
I am so afraid
for the only love I have known
came with strings attached.
Compliment me
I cannot accept
will turn it aside with
‘a yes but…..’
Terrified
that I once more
will be abandoned
deserted
discarded
I erect walls
that grappling hooks cannot breach.
Emotional abuse….
you made me doubt
you made me fear
you made me worthless.
Today
I take it back.
My reality.
No fear.
For I am worth it.
September 24/18
Photo by Alex Wigan on Unsplash

Mr. I Wanna vs. Ms. Uncertainty

***Before I begin I want to give credit to raynotbradbury with regards to how I have named my characters. She writes amazing stories and uses a descriptor for the character as opposed to a name. That is what I have done here.***

I would like to tell you a story. A story of a man and a woman. The man, shall we call him Mr. I wanna Be in Charge and Go Fuck Yourself if You Don’t Like It was an insolent bastard. The woman, we will call her Ms. Uncertainty is the Name of the Game and With Acceptance of that I find Peace had fought long and hard to get where she was.
Mr. I Wanna (for short) believed that by dictating to all and everyone that his wishes nay his demands would be followed, thought that he was able to control. Control family, control desires, control aspects of life that were not his to control. Like a spindly spider in the middle of a web he reached out and touched lives that were not his to touch. He thought that with loud words and speaking over others he would get his way.
Now Ms Uncertainty she use to be like Mr. I Wanna until she fell from grace. She gathered in so many reins, had so many horses galloping in front of her wagon, that eventually they all tangled. When they did she flew overhead, landing on her back feeling it breaking. Now Ms. Uncertainty, knew that this was her last chance, she had to become clean so as not to lose her path.
Mr. I wanna was content to let Ms. Uncertainty run her own game, so long as it did not cross his wishes. For when it did, he shut her down, telling her that if she did not comply he would make her disintegrate.
Ms. Uncertainty sat back, and took a deep breath ready to do battle. But first she thought, she would allow Mr. I Wanna his moment in the spotlight before she blackened the scene. And blacken the scene she would. For you see, Mr. I Wanna forgot that when Ms. Uncertainty was crossed that a warrior surged to the forefront, ready to do battle, to cut whomever off at the knees.
Mr. I Wanna sat on his throne, gloating, assured that he had won. He surveyed his domain with a smirk of denial because he knew nothing could tear it down. Of course nothing could, but someone would. She came in silence, shrouded in a cloak of humility and anger, the dagger she carried the words that sprang from her tongue.
Ms. Uncertainty stood before the throne, threw back her hood and glared at Mr. I Wanna. He chortled sure that he had her in his grip while she cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips. She drew herself up to her tiny little height, while he stood so he could loom. Ms. Uncertainty handed him a paper while she grinned.
Mr. I Wanna read the words, and read them again and again. His cockiness withered, his height was diminished and Ms. Uncertainty grew instead. With hands on her hips and derision on her lips, she stared at the man who now lay at her feet. Shaking her head, she turned to walk away knowing that there was no grace in continuing the beating.
‘Wait,’ sobbed Mr. I Wanna,’I’m sorry I played at a game I could never win. Please, please forgive me, allow me a place in your kingdom.’
‘I have no kingdom, I rule no one, for that is not my way,’ Ms. Uncertainty sneered at him, ‘I let all go they wish. There is no control, no ability to contain situations that are not yours to begin with.’
Ms. Uncertianty walked through the crowds, head held high. She knew without fail that Mr. I Wanna would try to usurp but she did not care.
“When you accept that the future is uncertain, that you cannot dictate nor control, you will find peace and walk in the light.”
With golden sun before her and the blackness of control behind her, Ms. Uncertainty walked forward, never looking back.