I could have Cried

I was not going to put a warning here but do not want to kill off my male readers with shock.
I discuss female anatomy.
I give it a personality.
If easily offended just skip that paragraph.
Otherwise enjoy.
216 days.
7 months and 6 days sober.
Gonna admit that my coffee intake has tripled since quitting but that is neither here nor there.
But not feeling like death warmed over?
Not remembering what time I fell into bed?
And did I do something embarrassing?
I was a shit mom when I was drinking.
I mean I joked with him and laughed but I was not present with him.
It kills me when I think of it.
Which I don’t do often.
Not because I am weak but because T and I have made our peace.
But when I do think about it I cringe and hate myself all over again.
I say again because I spent many years hating myself.
I took pills and drank to get away from me.
Now I am me.
No pills.
No booze.
Just little old me.
And I can hate my behaviour.
Ha that came to me as I was typing.
In re to ‘the hating myself again’ that is wrong it is the behaviour I hated.
I have changed the behaviour.
Today was the day.
Went in for the lovely ladies day at the doctor’s.
Which included getting my liver function tested.
I had the blood work taken last Thursday.
Everything checked.
And because I had quit drinking the liver test.
I kept telling myself that if something was seriously wrong I would have heard already.
If I was dying they would not let me come alone to the office would they?
I was scared.
I not only drank heavily but took Tylenol 1’s for a very long time.
With alcohol.
Without.
So while not dwelling on my results I have gone with the no news is good news adage.
Half an hour late into my appointment and I had been sitting in the little naked gown we all get.
On my phone texting.
What else do you do in the exam room while waiting these days?
You text people and tell them you are naked!
Like they really want to know but it is fun for me.
Lots of different responses to that one.
Finally in comes my doctor.
We have not had a face to face in nearly 3 years.
He has gone grey on the back of his head.
And as I sit there we go over my list of things I wanted looked at/discussed.
And the blood work.
Cholesterol level is a little bit high.
But there is really nothing I can do because it is the good cholesterol.
It is the high one.
Hemoglobin is good.
Liver numbers are a little high but in the normal range.
And as long as I continue to not drink it will heal.
Went through the other end of it too.
Ladies the legs in the air time.
Well apparently my cervix wandered.
Who the hell thought their cervix would just up and decide to vanish?
Finally found turns out she was feeling a little shy.
I came home and it wasn’t until I was standing in the living room that it hit me.
A wave of relief that lead to tears.
I had figuratively been holding my breath.
I had done so much damage to my liver how could it be anything but not great?
To hear that I was good well here come the tears a bit as I write.
Every day I move forward I realize that there is so much more I need to live.
There is so much more that I need to learn.
There is so much more that I need to teach.
That I want to teach.
Once I have learned it.
Which will be never because no one masters life.
We grow and learn.
Forever changing.
That my friends I think is what life is.
Have a great weekend everyone.
This is what T and I had for brunch today. Chocolate and Almond Granola with Extra Creamy Vanilla Bean Yogurt (13% protein) and strawberries.wp-16137804928604942111475614242658.jpg
Awesome that is all I am going to say.
©Feb. 19/21
Photos are my own

Helluv a Day

I had all of one order yesterday.
Picked up and everything by 10 a.m.
Spent the rest of my shift helping where I could.
And constantly looking for more to do.
At end of the day I was helping in grocery.
I enjoyed that.
I enjoy helping out there for the more I do the more I learn what we have which makes shopping curbside so much easier.
I left the day feeling really satisfied.
Happy.
Even the fact that it was blowing sleety snow did nothing to diminish my mood.
Started car.
Realized I needed to tap blade to get the snow build up off.
And…..
It came off in my hand.
IN MY HAND!
I spent several minutes standing in the sleety snow trying to reattach the wiper.
To no avail.
There was a lot of screaming the word fuck to the air.
I thought I could make it home but nope by the time I got around the corner it was blowing badly.
And the interior of the car is fogged I cannot see.
And to top it all off…..
the arm for the wiper switch snapped off…..
IN MY HAND!
Wipers are now on warp speed and metal screeching on glass.
I could not.
I swore more.
Drove around to Walmart hoping I was not going to kill anyone.
Storm into Walmart and phone T to let him know what was going on.
He was less then helpful.
I found the wiper blade in record time.
An aside while my contacts are awesome for distance I sacrifice my near sight and trying to read small print…..
I need an arm extension.
Used the self check out.
That was fun.
Those damn things make me nervous don’t ask me why.
The second I stepped away a worker was there to sanitize it.
Out I go…..
AND THE FREAKING SNOW HAS STOPPED!
Stopped.
Are you kidding me?
Why could it not have ended before I got out of work??????
And it is not like I can just turn the wiper blades off because the handle remember has broken off.
Now let me set the scene…..
Angryish Jay.
Dark.
Parked beneath a light which makes everything orange.
Wearing my contacts.
Trying to decipher the picture to put my wiper blade on.
Once more turning the air blue with my curses.
Finally got it on and off I go.
With the wiper blades going full speed.
Now y’all must be thinking why did she not pull the fuse?
And the thought had crossed my mind however when I got outside the thought was gone.
When I got home I realized that I had forgotten to get T a drink.
As I turned to leave I see that he has not taken out the garbage as I asked.
That was the icing on the cake.
Icing on the cake.
I railed at him.
Disappointed.
Irresponsible.
I am asking for assistance because I am not superwoman and cannot do it all alone.
Stormed over to the gas bar to get him root beer and me a Pepsi.
When I get back the garbage is still at the bottom of the stairs and when I go to ask if he is going to take out said garbage
he wanders over eating.
Still in his shorts.
I grabbed the garbage and stormed off.
When I came back inside he had put my magic bag in the microwave.
I changed and sat down.
Still annoyed.
I vegged on the couch for a bit until I had calmed.
I did take advantage of T’s guilt.
He made me a sandwich.
He fed the cats.
The ex stopped and checked that the wiper blade was on correctly..
I guess it is as it did not fly off on the way home.
When the handle broke off all I could think was I now had no turn signals.
Yes you did read that right.
My brain was frizzled and frazzled.
Was greatly relieved on the way home to discover that I did still in fact have them.
In the past this would have been enough to drive me to the liquor store.
And the thought never even crossed my mind.
When I was taking the garbage down a thought about a drink flashed across my mind but more as a memory of how I would have dealt with this situation.
Today I can look back at it and laugh.
It really is funny and if you are imagining me and laughing that is okay too.
That is the whole point of this post is to make people smile and shake their heads.
For even if it is not this particular one everyone has a story like mine.
Have an awesome Thursday all.
©Jan. 21/21
Picture is my own